His stomach knotted.
“Okay.” She drew in a shaky breath. “You may think it’s too late for me to say this. But I want you to know what I figured out. The thing is, I always smiled and nodded when people said, ‘You’ll remarry,’ and I had this vague idea that I might someday, but I didn’t believe it. More than that, I’d made up my mind without ever actually putting it into words. I wouldn’t fall in love again or marry.”
“Because you couldn’t trust a man?”
“No.” Her mouth twisted in what might have been meant to be a smile. “Because I didn’t trust myself. My ability to…well, please someone. Make him happy.”
He couldn’t hold back. “You make me happier than anyone in my life ever has. You have a gift for happiness.”
“Thank you for saying that. But if I do, it’s newly acquired. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t do anything right where Josh was concerned, not that last few years. And, after all, he was my only experience. I didn’t even have a chance as a child to see my parents delighted when I, oh, got an A on a test or…heck, learned to ride a bike. So you see, my confidence has never been what you’d call solid. And I’d never lived alone until he left. It was so peaceful, so nice only to have to please myself. I guess, somewhere in there, I made up my mind that I’d adopt so I could be a mom, but I wouldn’t let myself be so horribly vulnerable ever again. And, hey, look what kind of judgment I had.” She tried to smile again.
He laid his hand over hers, feeling the quiver of tension running through them. “And I pushed you to lay your heart on the line.”
Her big eyes were soft and full of regret, making his chest cramp with fear that she was really saying, So I’m sorry, but love…it’s just not in the cards for me.
“I just hadn’t let myself think about how I felt. Except…I was happy. Then Sophia said something the other day that made me realize what an idiot I am. She said she didn’t even have to see you arrive to know you were here, because I lit up as if someone had hit a switch. Me—” this smile was as wry as the others “—I didn’t know I did that.”
Throat thick, Tom said, “I’ve done my share of thinking. What I figured out is that I was scared. After my sister died, my parents…I think maybe in a way they died, too. If they ever loved each other, they quit. Our house got real quiet. And cold. It was as if they couldn’t bear each other, and maybe not me either. We’d sit at the dinner table with only a few necessary words, then Dad would go out to his club and Mom to her bedroom. Every night. I don’t want to live that way again.” Suzanne’s hands opened, and one squeezed his. Tom blundered on. “I saw other families, other marriages, but I always wondered what they were like when they were home where no one could see them. I guess I thought if my own parents couldn’t love me, not enough to try to have a life, nobody would.” He shrugged, voice raw. “I wanted to get it over with. Hear you say, no I can’t love you. So I pushed until you did.”
“But…I never said I can’t.”
“No. I know that. So now I’m asking if you’ll give me another chance. I don’t need the words, Suzanne. I think we can be happy.”
“Oh, Tom.” Suddenly, tears were streaming down her face, tilted up to his. “But that’s what I’ve been trying to say. I do love you. I did all the time. I just didn’t recognize how I felt because I was afraid to.”
She loved him?
Unable to speak, he lifted trembling hands and framed her face, wiping at the tears with this thumbs. “Don’t cry,” he finally whispered.
She turned her face and kissed his palm. “I missed you so much.”
“I’ve been empty without you. Imagining life without you…” He made a ragged sound. “Will you marry me?” It came to him that once again he was pushing, and he shook his head. “There I go again. We don’t have to hurry. Just…give me a chance.”
“Oh, Tom!” she said again, looking up with her cheeks blazing. “If we don’t hurry and get married, how will we ever make love?”
Even as triumph and desire roared through his veins, he found himself laughing. “We could figure something out. But…yeah, it would be the most convenient.”
Convenient. Not a word he’d have ever chosen to describe what a life with her would be like.
“Who’s house will we live in?”
“Mine’s bigger, but…it’s just a house. Yours is a home.”
“You can take care of the dandelions.”
“You know what?” he said, rubbing his cheek against hers, no longer sure if the dampness came from her or him. “I’m going to have better things to do than weed and feed the lawn or wash the truck.”
“Oh? Like?”
He whispered a few of them, then kissed her with all the passion and need and love he felt. The amazing thing was, she kissed him right back, just as fervently. And he began to believe.
Maybe, just maybe, things could be as good as they seemed. Maybe there really was a happily-ever-after.
Finally he lifted his head and lovingly smoothed her hair from her face. “Do you think we ought to put the kids out of their suspense?”
“You know,” she whispered, “I would swear I heard a muffled giggle a minute ago.”
“Well, then, to heck with them. They can wait.” And he kissed her again.
ISBN: 978-1-4268-8678-2
KIDS BY CHRISTMAS
Copyright © 2006 by Janice Kay Johnson.
All rights reserved. Except for use in any review, the reproduction or utilization of this work in whole or in part in any form by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including xerography, photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, is forbidden without the written permission of the publisher, Harlequin Enterprises Limited, 225 Duncan Mill Road, Don Mills, Ontario, Canada M3B 3K9.
All characters in this book have no existence outside the imagination of the author and have no relation whatsoever to anyone bearing the same name or names. They are not even distantly inspired by any individual known or unknown to the author, and all incidents are pure invention.
This edition published by arrangement with Harlequin Books S.A.
® and TM are trademarks of the publisher. Trademarks indicated with ® are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office, the Canadian Trade Marks Office and in other countries.
www.eHarlequin.com
*Patton’s Daughters
†Three Good Cops
‡Under One Roof
**Lost…But Not Forgotten
Kids by Christmas Page 24