by Ava Manello
There’s a click as the clock turns to 3.02am. I can’t think about this now, I’m so exhausted, I need to sleep. Picking up the bottle of Jack Daniels I drink myself back into oblivion. I’ll think about this later.
Chapter Eleven
Declan
The hot shower washes away the sweat from my troubled nights sleep, but it does nothing to cleanse me of the self-loathing I’m feeling right now. I’ve downed the contents of a full bottle of Jack Daniels and the only side effect is a fuzzy mouth. I’ve got to stop drinking like this. It’s a downward spiral. Gran would be furious if she could see me now. I promised her I’d pull my act together and I’m already failing her.
There’s a knock at the door as I step out of the bathroom wrapped in the too small towel. It’s Cameron, and like the friend he is he’s bearing gifts, hot black coffee and bacon sandwiches. I mentally toss up the pros and cons of letting him in, knowing I’ll get a tongue-lashing and unwelcome home truths but the rumbling from my stomach wins out.
“What happened?” he looks me up and down appraisingly. He shrugs his shoulders so I’m guessing he’s not impressed with what he sees. I didn’t look in the mirror this morning but I can imagine what he sees. Dark shadows under my eyes, unshaven stubble and no light behind my eyes at all, just dark pools of self-pity.
“I fucked up, Cam.” I sag onto the mattress of the bed. I hadn’t realised I was hungry till he passed me the bacon sarnie and I devoured it in a few bites. The hot coffee sates my thirst a little.
“Where the fuck have you been man? I’ve been calling you for three days.” I look up at Cam in surprise. Three days? It can’t be.
“What day is it?” I ask.
“It’s Friday. Where the fuck have you been and why are you holed up in this shithole?” He looks confused. Shit. I’m confused. I’ve lost two days. Max’s funeral was on Tuesday, surely today should be Wednesday?
“Friday?” I question. “You’re having me on right? Today’s Wednesday.”
“Declan, what happened to you man? No one’s seen you since the funeral on Tuesday. Georgia said you had some sort of nightmare and shot off and no one’s heard from you since.” His phone sounds a text message and he looks at the screen. “Oh yeah, you’d better give your Gran a call, she’s having a shit fit to put it mildly.”
I groan. I’ve just about convinced my Gran I’m pulling myself together and now I’ve lost two days in a drunken stupor again. She’s going to ream my ass that’s for sure. Cam is probably my closest friend, but how much can I tell him without making myself sound like I’m going insane?
“I fucked up, Cam.” I whisper. “I don’t know what happened, but I fucked up man.” Involuntarily my body starts to shake, it’s like a shiver runs through me and I can’t control it. It’s so bad I almost spill the hot coffee, but Cam reaches over and takes it from me, placing it on the nightstand.
Cam moves closer to me on the bed and puts his arm around me in a comforting gesture, it’s my undoing, and big hard man that I am, I break down and cry on my friend’s shoulder. Cam says nothing; he just sits there rubbing his hand on my back until I’m done. He lets me release it all without judging me.
“You need to get help, Declan. You can’t bottle all this shit up and not expect to blow.” He tells me. “We went through some bad shit, but you saved us, its done now. We’re home, and we’re safe.” He talks quietly, soothingly, as though he was talking to a troubled child.
“I didn’t save Max.” I tell him. “I let him down, I should have been there for him.” Guilt is eating me up, so is fear. “Every time I close my eyes I’m back there, in that Nary. I see that boys face.” The shakes are back again, but Cam doesn’t let go. He just sits there and talks to me quietly and calmly.
I honestly don’t remember what he says to me, just the soothing tone. Eventually the shakes ease off.
“I’m not going to lose you, Declan.” He states. “We’re not going to lose you. We lost Max, and we’re not losing anyone else.” Cam reaches over and lifts my head so that I’m looking him in the eyes. “You’re our leader, Declan. You’re one strong motherfucker when you want to be, I need you to remember that. Now what’s this all about?”
Slowly I talk Cameron through the nightmares, the panic attacks, even sleeping with Georgia and almost strangling her. The whole time he just sits there, I can’t read him, but I don’t think I see any judgement in his eyes either.
“You might want to ring Georgia and say sorry. That was a pretty shitty thing to do running out on her.” I laugh; I can’t help it. Out of everything I just told him that’s the bit he picks up on.
“I think running out on her was the least of it.” I mutter. He’s right though, I do need to ring her and apologise.
“You need to ring your Gran first though, she’s been blowing up my phone with messages.” He grimaces as yet another text message tone sounds. He looks me up and down again. “Go grab another shower and a shave, make yourself look human and I’ll go get more coffee and bacon. I’ll let your Gran know I’ve found you, and once you’re cleaned up you can ring her and let her know you’re okay.” He pats me on the back as he rises from the bed and starts typing on his phone.
“You’d better be here when I get back.” He warns me as he walks out of the door.
Chapter Twelve
Declan
I’m starting to feel more human thanks to Cam bringing coffee and food. I’ve shaved and washed my hair, now the guy looking back at me in the mirror looks a little more like me, although he still looks rough.
“So what are you going to do?” Cam asks me. “You need to get help.”
I balk at the idea of sitting in a room with some head shrink. It’s not me. There’s got to be some other way of getting back to me.
“I don’t know, Cam.” I answer honestly. “I think I just need to get away for a while. Maybe go on a road trip with the bike.” I’ve always loved being out on the bike, hopefully that will help me get my head back in the right place.
“And what if that doesn’t work?” Cam has a knack of asking the questions you don’t want to answer. As much as I love him as a friend, right now I’m not his biggest fan.
“I don’t know.” I admit. Cam seems to consider this; he gives it a few minutes before he replies.
“I’ll go with you. I’ve got a friend out near Mildura I was going to go see, old army buddy of my Dad’s. Instead of flying I guess I could go on a road trip with you. It’ll be a nice trip along the coastal highway, probably take us the best part of a week though.” I can see him mentally calculating the route.
“Where’s Mildura?” I ask. I’ve never heard of it.
“Well, we’re actually going to Severed, it’s outside of Mildura in Victoria.” He smiles.
“We haven’t been on the bikes in how long?” I ask. “And you want to ride to the other side of the country?” I laugh at the absurdity of it.
“Come on, Declan. You know you want to.” Cam smirks. He’s right. I do want to. A week on the bike, along the coastal highway stopping off in little towns along the way sounds like just what I need right now.
Chapter Thirteen
Declan
Gran really chewed me out on the phone, and I deserved it. I’d promised her that I’d got my act together then fallen big time. It was only after she spoke to Cam and he assured her he’d take care of me for her that she calmed down, relenting on her threats of having me committed for my own good. She’s always had a soft spot for Cam. I’m grateful to my friend, as I’m damned sure my Gran would have followed through on her threat to have me admitted to hospital.
The route that Cam is thinking of is just over 3,000 kilometres. We could do it in a couple of days I guess if we rode hard, but we’ve decided to take it more slowly and appreciate it, probably taking the best part of a week to get to Severed instead. Being the awkward bugger that I am I suggest starting off further down the coast and that adds in another 1,000 kilometres. The bike needs it I t
ell myself. It’s more that I’ve missed the sea breezes and want to stay as close to the coast as I can for the journey.
The first day we’re heading down to Albany via Bridgetown and Manijmup. I might be pushing it with five hours on the bike after so much time away, but I reckon the route will more than make up for it. Of course, Cam will do his best to outdo me. We may be great friends, but we’re always competing against each other, one more push up, one more weight, one more kilometre before we quit.
We stop a couple of times en route for fuel be it for the bikes or our bodies, but early evening sees us cruising down the Princess Royal Harbour to our backpacker hotel for the night. The accommodation may be basic, but compared to the camp in Afghanistan it’s downright luxurious. We’re the oldest people in the place as it’s full of students.
As night falls we’re out on the deck listening to them jamming on guitars and a keyboard and enjoying a cold beer. My entire body aches from the ride, but it’s a good ache. It’s been great to be back out on the bike today. From where we’re sitting we can see the view across the harbour. The aqua marine ocean contrasting against the vivid colours of the flowers planted around the garden. For the first time since I came home from Afghanistan I feel peace. Cameron has his eye on a pretty young thing and it’s not long before the two of them have disappeared off to our room. Her friend keeps giving me her come on eyes, but I’m not interested. After what happened with Georgia I’m not sure I feel safe sleeping with anyone, and truth be told I’m not in the mood. I fall asleep in the chair listening to the strumming of some love song on the guitar, I think it might be Adele ‘Someone like you’, and for the first time in a long time, I sleep without nightmares.
Chapter Fourteen
Declan
Cam found me asleep on the chair in the early hours of the morning once his conquest had returned to her room. Rather than wake me he took the seat next to me and nodded off himself. We woke to the aroma of freshly made pancakes. Sleeping in the chair hasn’t made the aches any better, and I’ve got a crick in my neck, but I feel rested. I can’t remember the last time I woke feeling rested. Cam just gives me a nod as he eases his own aching body from his chair.
We’re riding to Gibson today, another five hour ride, but a little more inland. The arid earth is contrasted by the bright blue sky dotted with cotton wool clouds and the dark green of the few trees offering meagre shade at the side of the highway. Just before we enter Gibson we stop off at Observatory Point, the lush green bushes cling to the cliffside and draw your eyes down to the bay of teal blue water and the rocks below. It’s stunning views like this that are calming my troubled soul. We sit there a good half hour just enjoying the view before heading into Gibson where we’re spending the night at the Gibson Soak Hotel. It’s an historical country pub with cheap and cheerful accommodation and good food. Out back there’s a garden full of Morton Bay fig trees offering welcome shade from the heat of the day where we enjoy yet another cold beer.
There’s a much quieter vibe about this pub than the student accommodation last night, and that’s fine with me. I’m enjoying the peace and tranquillity for a change. Perhaps that’s what my body and mind craved, silence after the noise and madness of the past few months.
The third day sees us heading for Caiguna, much to Cam’s disgust, as the town isn’t licensed yet. The Roadhouse doesn’t have any of the atmosphere of the previous two places, it’s a 24 hour food and fuel stop for buses and coaches and has a more family feel. The noise from the children’s playground grates on my nerves and I have a bad night’s sleep here. This was a mistake.
The next day we agree we’ll push ourselves for eight hours to reach Ceduna and cross into Southern Australia. Last night did neither of us any favours. The good thing about todays route is that we’re back on the coastal road, so whilst we’re travelling further and longer, we’ve got an amazing view for most of the journey.
The East West motel in Ceduna has a swimming pool. The relief in my muscles when I enter the cool water is heaven after such a long day on the bike. We take the short walk down to the beach where we find a bar to spend the night and enjoy a good steak.
As usual Cameron picks up one of the tourists, this time heading off to her hotel, as it’s a little fancier than ours. They leave me to entertain her friend. I’m tired and achy despite my swim and not really in the mood for company, but a few beers and half a bottle of Jack Daniels finds us back at my hotel.
Clarice or Claire, I can’t remember her name right now, turns her nose up at the basic room. I can tell from the clothes she’s wearing that someone has money, probably Daddy I’m guessing. I reckon she’s slumming it with me to get one over on him for curbing her spending after her last credit card bill. I seem to recall something being said about this trip being a poor substitute for shopping in New York. Right now, I don’t care. Whatever her name is she’s got my cock hard, rubbing her long nails against me through the denim of my jeans. With one hand she makes easy work of my belt and the buttons of my jeans and reaches in to wrap her fingers around my hard length. She slithers down my body to her knees, pulling my cock from my boxers and pushing my jeans around my ankles. Her hot mouth takes me in and I groan with pleasure. I may not be able to recall her name, but whoever she is certainly knows how to give a blowjob. Her tongue laps at the end of my cock before trailing up and down my length. There’s a hint of teeth grazing my cock as she draws me in deeper, and her hand is pumping away at the part of me that doesn’t fit into her tiny mouth. I know I’m tired, but suddenly the sight of her on her knees in front of me just feels cheap and tacky. There’s nothing erotic about this whole scene, from the cheap motel room to the fake tits that are bouncing around under her skimpy top and the dark roots in her overly blonde hair. I pull away suddenly.
“What the fuck?” She complains, rising to her feet.
“I’m sorry. I just can’t.” I turn my back on her and sink onto the bed.
“Fucking wimp.” She screeches as she grabs her bag and slams out of the room. I sink back onto the bed, relief washing over me. I feel like I had a narrow escape, but why the fuck did I turn her down? What’s wrong with me?
Chapter Fifteen
Declan
I’ve kind of lost track of the days here; I try and mentally count on my fingers and think we’re on day five of our journey. I had a troubled night’s sleep again after rejecting the blonde whose name I can’t remember. Cameron crawled back in the early hours of the morning with a smug grin on his face and smelling of cheap perfume. Good for him. What’s wrong with me that I don’t want that anymore?
We look at the map and contemplate doing the final run through to Severed today, but it’s a ten-hour slog and we’re both starting to feel the wear of long days on the road so agree to stop off in Port Pirie overnight. Cam had been open about when we’d arrive in Severed and that was fine with his friend.
I missed moving away from the coastal road, but at least Port Pirie was on the river. It’s a very industrial town though thankfully the motor inn we’ve booked for the night is quiet despite being on the highway. It’s a comfortable bed and I fall asleep quickly, although I’m dragged awake by Cam after suffering yet another nightmare.
The journey has helped, most nights I’m exhausted and sleep right through, but a few nights he’s had to wake me from nightmares. Luckily I haven’t tried to hurt him when he’s woken me; I’m still haunted by almost strangling Georgia that night.
With the end of our journey in sight we don’t waste time, grabbing a quick breakfast and coffee and stuffing the panniers with sandwiches for lunch before heading off for our final journey into Severed.
Chapter Sixteen
Declan
For someone who wanted to stay on the coast there’s something about Severed that I find soothing. It’s a small town with a simple high street that has a coffee shop, a general store and even a tattoo shop. Cam’s friend runs the local bar and that’s where we’re going to be staying.
It looks even smaller than Harvey; perhaps that’s why I feel comfortable here. The bar has seen better days, but the beer is cold and the conversation is plentiful. Jim welcomes Cam warmly, wrapping him in a bear hug.
“I’ve known Cam since he was a wee baby sucking on his mothers tit.” Jim chuckles. Cam goes three shades of red at that, making me laugh out loud at his discomfort. I think I’m going to get on well with Jim.
The place has a worn dance floor, a dining area and booths along one wall. The wooden bar has seen better days, the varnish long since worn away showing ring marks from bottles and glasses. I imagine this was a classy joint when it first opened, but that looks to have been quite a few years ago now.
Jim tells us that it’s pretty quiet most of the time, although they’ve had a few incidents over the past year between a couple of local MC clubs. “Don’t get me wrong, the Severed guys are a good bunch, real family values, but there was a bad apple over at Carnal who gave them a hard time.” He sighs, remembering. “We lost a few good people this past year. Damn shame.” He looks thoughtful for a moment before continuing. “But it’s over and done with now, we’re looking forward to getting back to normal.”
“Normal sounds good to me, I’m not sure if I can remember what it feels like though.” I laugh. Jim gives me a long look.
“You don’t have to tell me, son. I’ve been there myself.” I know very little about Jim, other than he served in the military with Cam’s Dad. I can see that despite his friendly demeanour something still haunts him. Will that be me in thirty years? I hope not.