by Rachel Hanna
He gripped the bottle of whiskey harder, unable to stop his body trembling in anger and grief as images of that night overwhelmed his mind. They were due to go home three days later. None of those men and boys would see home again and yet he was the one who was back. Why had he been spared? It didn’t make sense.
“Why me?” The question was quiet, little more than a murmur, but he kept repeating it louder and louder as he pushed off from the wall he had been leaning against and stumbled forwards until he was screaming into the black night. However, no answer was forthcoming. Miller drained what was left of the contents of the bottle and then turned and hurled it against the wall, causing an explosion of glass.
Then he walked back inside and collapsed on the bed. The last thing he saw before he slept was not the face of his men, but that of Sophie. Her wounded expression when he’d deliberately hurt her. I’m sorry, Sophie. But he would never tell her that; it was for the best that he never see or contact her again.
***
Three weeks had passed since Sophie had gone back to San Francisco. Kay watched Miller out of the window as she washed dishes. Most of his body was obscured by the hood of the truck as he worked on it, carrying out a minor repair that would save her or Philip having to take the truck into the garage. Finishing up the washing, she poured a glass of iced tea, gathered up the package and headed outside with it. Hearing her approach, he glanced up before returning to his work.
“I’m almost done.”
“I appreciate you doing this.”
“It’s not a problem.” He kept his replies terse as he worked.
Kay set the glass of iced tea and the package down on top of his tool box. “For after you finish.”
He looked briefly up. “Thanks.”
She left him to work and returned to the kitchen, busying herself with cooking as she glanced occasionally at him. He had been even more withdrawn than usual since Sophie had gone, and a black mood seemed to surround him at all times. Though he wasn’t uncivil to her, she barely got more than a few words out of him now. Part of her wondered if it had been a huge mistake to get Sophie involved. He seemed worse now than before she had come, but then perhaps it had been the push he had needed. Surely something was bound to give now…it was just a matter of time. She just hoped that whatever was in the package would contribute towards pushing him in the right direction.
Miller pushed the hood of the truck back into place and bent down to retrieve the iced tea and package. He recognized the handwriting instantly but continued to drink slowly as he turned the package over, the sender’s address on the back confirming it was from Sophie. He dampened down his curiosity, refusing to open the package then and there. He couldn’t possibly think what she would have sent him and he had no business getting excited simply at the mere thought that she had sent him something. No doubt it was a letter or the like informing him that he was an ass and she never wanted to see him again. He tested the package weight and couldn’t help but think that a simple letter wouldn’t have weighed this much. A thought occurred to him then that perhaps it wasn’t a single letter…maybe she had sent back all the letters he’d sent her during his military service. Though it pained him to think that she would do that, it would be a reasonable action on her part.
He put the package to the back of his mind and continued on with the work he had to complete that day but at night, after dinner, he stared at it on the kitchen counter, not wanting to open it but unable to stop looking at it. Just open the damn thing. Sighing exasperatedly he lifted it up and tore open the end, before taking a deep breath and tipping the contents onto the counter. Surprised, he stared down at the booklets, leaflets and handwritten notes before picking up the single-page letter that rested on top of the pile.
Dear Miller
I always said I wasn’t the best person to help you one-to-one, but hopefully this information will lead you to that person. I’ve made notes of useful organization contact details and websites that will be good sources of information in addition to the booklets and leaflets. I also spoke to a psychologist friend (don’t worry, I didn’t mention your name, it was more a general inquiry) and she recommended in particular the organization below. I’ve checked and there’s a branch in Dallas. I know it’s a fair drive away but I hope you can check it out at least once if you’re in the area for any reason.
Before you throw this package away, please take a look at some of the information at least. Not for me or your parents or Kay or Philip. Do it for yourself. Everybody needs a helping hand at some point. You gave me one six years ago. Hopefully I can give you one now.
Your friend
Sophie
Miller glanced at the organization details at the bottom of the page. It was a soldiers’ support group, an address and phone number for the Dallas branch. He placed the letter back on the counter and spread the booklets and leaflets out. They were all related in one way or another to support for soldiers who had finished their military service, including advice on how to adapt to civilian life again, social gatherings of ex-soldiers, as well as people and organizations to contact for intensive counseling.
He stared at the information, not sure what to do. Sophie had guessed right; part of him did want to just throw it all away. However, the other part felt guilty. He had said terrible things to her and driven her away and yet she still refused to give up on him. He didn’t understand why she would have bothered wasting any more time on him. You owe it to her to at least read them.
Gathering the package contents up, he moved them to the kitchen table and sat down to read. A couple of hours later he had finished and sat staring at the phone number in her letter as he contemplated what to do. It would mean revisiting all the old wounds he had tried to ignore. Yeah, and look where ignoring them has got you. He supposed there was always the option of trying it once. If he didn’t like it then he didn’t have to go back. Just do it now while you have the nerve. Reaching for his phone, he dialed the 24/7 number on the letter.
Chapter Eleven
Sophie paused the DVD she was watching and reached for her phone. Not recognizing the number, she answered “Hello, Sophie Morgan speaking. How can I help you?”
“Hello, Sophie.”
“Miller…” Completely taken by surprise, she sat up from her lounging position and switched off the movie. “This is unexpected.”
“Am I disturbing you?”
“No, I was just watching a DVD.”
“Oh… Um, so how are you?”
“I’m doing fine. How are you?”
“I’m doing much better…thanks to you. I’ve been going to a support group for the past four months, the one you recommended in your letter. I think Kay or Philip probably told you…”
“Yes, they mentioned it the last time I spoke to them on the phone. That was over two months ago though. I’m really glad it’s helping you.”
She could hear him take a deep breath before he spoke again. “Sophie, the reason I’m calling is to ask if I could come and see you some time. There’s some things I’d like to say.”
Sophie considered his words before replying “Well if you’re ever in San Francisco you can give me a call and we can meet up.”
“How about now?”
Sophie frowned at the phone. “I don’t understand.”
“Could I come and see you now?”
“Where are you?”
“I’m outside your apartment block.”
“You mean right now?”
“Yes.”
Sophie glanced around the apartment and down at her clothes, her heartbeat speeding up slightly. “Uh…my apartment is a bit of a mess. I haven’t tidied up yet since getting back from work.”
“That’s okay. I’m here to see you, not your apartment.”
“Okay, sure. I guess you should come up. If you press the buzzer with my name on it I’ll let you in.”
“Thank you, Sophie.”
The call ended and half a minute later the buzzer soun
ded. Sophie paused in piling dishes into the sink in order to let him in before scanning the apartment. She rearranged some cushions but didn’t bother to change out of her hooded sweatshirt and shorts. Her casual appearance certainly wouldn’t win any style awards but then she wasn’t here to impress him. As for the apartment, well she’d never match his military tidiness but she didn’t care. It was good enough and it wasn’t as if he’d given her a lot of notice.
A knock sounded on the door and she went to answer it.
“Hello, Sophie.” Miller stood before her, dressed casually in jeans, a t-shirt and a black leather jacket. A light stubble added to his already rugged appearance, making him look even more handsome than the last time she’d seen him. She scowled inwardly. So what if he looks sexy as hell. He wants nothing to do with you, Sophie. He made that very clear. Besides, she had her pride and he had hurt her. She wouldn’t open herself up to that again.
“Hi, Miller. Come in.”
“Thanks.” He stepped inside and looked around her apartment. “I like your place. It’s very you.”
“You mean messy.”
“No…the colors and the throws…it’s warm and inviting.” He turned to face her. “I’m sorry for dropping in on you unexpectedly.”
“It’s okay. I wasn’t busy. I’ll take your jacket. Have a seat.” Sophie indicated the couch and he sat down while she hung his jacket up and came to sit in the armchair next to him.
“So how long have you been here?”
“I flew in this morning.”
“Oh. Are you here on a business trip of some sort?”
“No. Social call. I’m here to see you. I took the weekend off from ranch work.”
“You’re here for the weekend?”
“Yes. I’m staying at a hotel that’s near the beach. It’s nice.” He looked at her squarely. “Sophie, I don’t know how to do this better and I don’t want to chicken out and leave without saying what I came here to say. So here goes. I’m so sorry for the way I treated you last time I saw you. I said awful things to you in order to hurt you and make you leave. The things I said weren’t true but that doesn’t mean they didn’t cause you pain. You came to the ranch to help me and I treated you like crap the entire time. I felt like shit after you left and then you sent me that package and I felt even worse. You were still trying to help me even after the way I’d behaved…”
He paused, seeming to gather his thoughts, before he continued. “It was actually the feeling of guilt at hurting you that made me make the call to the support helpline. I want to thank you for not giving up on me. You knew I was hurting and you stuck by me like a true friend even when I cast you aside. I don’t deserve or expect your forgiveness, that’s not why I’m here. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am and to thank you for what you did.”
Sophie returned his gaze but didn’t speak for several seconds. Then she leaned forward in her chair and took his hand, giving it a light squeeze. “Miller, will you tell me what happened to you in the army?”
He looked uncomfortable but nodded. “Okay. You deserve to know.” Taking a deep breath, he told her about the explosion and the guilt that he had carried ever since. He told her that his scars were caused from shrapnel from the explosion and that they had served as a reminder to him every day that he was to blame for the death of the soldiers under his command. He told her that he hadn’t wanted her to find out about the explosion, that he hadn’t wanted her to blame him too. He had wanted to keep her separate from his life in the army; someone who knew only the version of him before the explosion, someone who would think of him as the innocent ranch hand he had been rather than the soldier with blood on his hands, someone who would think fondly of him because she didn’t know the truth. It was the reason he had never gone into too much detail in his letters – not that he would have been allowed to tell her too much, but he could have told her more than he did.
When he was finished speaking, Sophie sat back in her chair, processing what he had told her. “You know you’re not to blame, right?”
Miller nodded slowly. “Yes. I received counseling when I was still in the army but I was good at just concealing how I truly felt so that I could get back to the job of being a soldier. I didn’t want to be discharged from the army because I couldn’t keep it together. I wanted to finish my service. When I was back on the ranch…well I still tried to conceal how I was affected but there was less scrutiny than before. There weren’t people around me twenty-four-seven who would notice if I let things show and report it to my superiors. I just didn’t realize how much I let things show. I hadn’t wanted people to worry about me but they saw something was wrong and they did worry.”
“They’re family, Miller. They care about you. Of course they would worry, but they were there to support you. They still are.”
“I know. They support me every day.”
“I’m still here to support you too.”
“I still don’t understand why. After the things I said, you would have been justified in breaking off all contact with me.”
“I’m here because that’s what friends do. They support each other in the good times and the bad times. You got me through a bad time in my life. I wasn’t going to let you go through a bad time alone.” She offered him an understanding smile before getting off the chair and coming to sit beside him. “I’m here for you whenever you need me.” She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him.
Miller brought his arms around her and held her close, stroking her hair softly as he inhaled the scent of her. “I need you all the time, Sophie,” he whispered quietly.
Sophie stilled at his words, the heat of his skin seeping through his shirt and into her as she leaned her head on his shoulder. The seconds ticked on as she stayed where she was, but Miller eventually pulled back and cupped her cheek gently.
“Sophie, I’m in love with you.”
She’d dreamed about hearing those words, but that had been a long time ago. They were both different people now. Meeting his gaze, she asked “Why are you telling me this now?”
“Because I wasted six years not telling you.” He dropped his hand from her cheek. “I’m done with keeping secrets and trying to hide how I feel – in all areas of my life. I’m not asking you to love me back. I just wanted you to know that I’ve loved you since we were teenagers and it’s only gotten stronger.”
Sophie was at a complete loss for words. “Miller, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“You don’t need to tell me anything. It is what it is. I have your friendship and that’s more than I could hope for.” He glanced at his watch. “It’s getting late, I should go. Thank you for seeing me, Sophie.” He stood up and retrieved his jacket as Sophie followed him to the door.
“Miller, if I’d heard those words at eighteen…well there’s no point saying ‘if’; we’re not eighteen anymore. Our lives have taken very different paths.”
A sad expression crossed his face but was quickly replaced with a soft smile. “It’s okay; I understand, Sophie.” He slipped on his jacket and then turned to face her. “Before I go I wanted to tell you the news to do with the ranch.”
“What news? Is everything okay?”
“Yes, everything’s fine. Your uncle and aunt have asked me to take over the ranch when they retire. They wanted to pass it on to me since they don’t have any children of their own and they know how much I love the ranch.”
“Oh…well congratulations.”
“Are you okay with that?”
“What does it have to do with me?”
“Well they’re your family. Maybe you think it should stay in the family, or at least that one of your relatives decides what to do with it.”
“It is staying in the family, Miller. I know they think of you as a son. Besides, if anybody cares for that ranch as much as they do, it’s you. It’s right that you should have it.”
He looked relieved as he smiled at her. “Thank you, I’m really pleased you feel that way. Maybe you�
��d like to come and see what I’m working on some time. I’ve discussed it with your aunt and uncle and they’re happy about the plans.”
“What plans?” Sophie asked curiously.
“I’m going to buy a piece of their land outright and build stables and a rehabilitation center of sorts. My plan is to breed horses and use them as part of therapy sessions for soldiers and ex-soldiers. I have enough money from my savings to do it, since now I don’t need to worry about searching for a ranch to buy. I’m going to apply for financial aid from the government to help run the place when it’s ready, though the ranch can cover the expenses related to the horses. I’m hoping people such as counselors, physical therapists and the like will consider partnering with me to help run the place. Some of the people I met through the support group are keen to work with me to make it happen. I’m still working out all the details and exactly how it could all feasibly come together but that’s my plan at least. I wanted to give something back and this seemed like a good way to do it.”
“Wow…” Sophie absorbed the news before smiling. “It sounds like a great idea, Miller. I hope it comes together. I’d love to see it if it takes off.”
“You’ll be the first to know. Okay, this time I’m going instead of standing at your door for five minutes. There was one last thing I wanted to ask though.” He looked unsure for a moment before he spoke. “Can we keep in touch? Hopefully more regularly than we did before. I know you’re busy; I’m thinking emails and the occasional phone call, but I’d like us to try to get to know one another again.”
Sophie nodded. “I’d like that.”
“Thank you.” He stepped close and hugged her briefly before releasing her. “Bye, Sophie.”
“Bye, Miller.” She opened the door for him and then closed it softly behind him before walking back to the living room and sitting down on the couch. She sat in silence for several minutes, contemplating the barrage of information she had just received, but foremost in her mind was Miller’s confession that he loved her. She had no idea how to feel about that. She was undeniably attracted to him, more so than anybody else she had ever met. They had history together, there was no denying that. She could admit that a part of her had never stopped loving him, but was that part enough to make things work? On the one hand she wanted to throw caution to the wind and go after him. They could see where things took them…people had long-distance relationships all the time. They could visit one another on weekends, though how often they could manage that wasn’t certain.