“What do you mean?”
“Your hesitation to accept me as your life partner that night was because you had preconceived notions regarding marriage and your life partner. I believe, in this case, you will always be unhappy with me because your expectations are very different. On the other hand, I was willing to take everything as a learning experience and grow with it. Given the scenario and circumstances–”
“Do you think people have opportunities to grow and change?”
“Certainly, it all depends on how flexible and accepting one is to adapt.”
“If a life partner has made some mistakes, being stupid and immature, and is willing to change, will the other partner forgive him?” He was right on this time.
Roshni popped open her eyes. She got the hint but remained calm. “As long as there is a sincere apology and a sincere urge to change.” She looked at him.
Deepak watched her very closely and thought to himself, Thank god she believes in this. There is some hope. This topic was too serious, and he had his answer. The challenge now was to make her realize that he was genuinely regretful and wanted to apologize to her sincerely.
He decided to change the topic.
Deepak had noticed a few things about Roshni. Occasionally, she closed her eyes and was lost in thought, and Sashank mentioned that often times she was in her room in front of her babuji’s picture deep in thought, and very often she became unhappy and forlorn.
Deepak had come to India to explore Roshni and to understand her better. He observed her closely this time and saw a deep pain and sorrow in her. Outwardly she smiled, but there was a sadness that was buried in her, and she lived with it. He probably would not have paid any attention to this before, but because he had developed feelings for her, he watched her thoughtfully and was able to see this suffering.
Roshni was not very open to discussing her feelings with anybody; she was a private person. If she continued to bear this internal struggle, she would break down some day, and it was important for her to share her sorrows as much as her happiness.
Deepak was able to discuss his marriage fiasco with Vivek and Vaishali, and they were helping him to get back to Roshni, but Roshni had not discussed this with anybody. She was very close to her father, but now that he’d passed away, she needed an outlet. It was obvious to him that she did not accept him…yet. Then how could he help her?
After a few minutes of silence, he continued, “Roshni, would you mind if I asked you something?”
Roshni nodded.
“Do you want to share anything about Babuji? I called you when he passed away, but you were not ready to talk to me. Do you want to talk about it now? What happened to him?”
He hoped she would talk about it; instead, she closed her eyes and was quiet. Deepak knelt in front of her on the floor and held her hand. “Roshni, you have a lot of sadness in you; I can see that.”
She opened her eyes, with tears flowing down her cheeks. She wiped them with her other hand and never made an attempt to pull her hand away from him. She listened to him.
“You smile and laugh with everybody outwardly, but within…a lot of sorrow is hidden inside. I am concerned for you. Is there anything I can do to help you? I mean it sincerely!”
He asked with a lot of love and concern for her, and he meant this with all sincerity. Roshni looked at him and slowly got up, pulling her hand away from his grip, and walked towards a window. She was unable to control her tears, and she saw Deepak’s concern for her. For the first time other than her babuji, she felt somebody cared for her. She knew he respected her, but this concern…she saw it for the first time.
Deepak followed her to the window and stood diagonally across from her and very lovingly said, “Roshni, it is not good for you to hold onto the pain. You need to let it out. Please don’t mistake me, but…” he pleaded and his concern for her was visible in his eyes.
She looked at him with tears, and involuntarily she hugged him, hugged him tight, and cried. He brought his arms around her, holding her tightly to his chest with his head resting on her head. She wept, and he consoled her.
She talked with her head still buried in his chest. “I miss Babuji. I miss him a lot… He was not only a parent but my friend. I never hesitated to share anything with him.”
As she talked, Deepak pulled her closer and gently rubbed her shoulder with one hand while he held her with the other and listened to her. She could feel his warmth. She needed this; she needed somebody to comfort her, and he provided that warmth. Both of them remained in that embrace.
After a few minutes, she was back to her senses and quickly jerked to move away from him.
Her sudden movement caught him off guard. He asked, “What happened?”
Roshni felt very embarrassed for hugging him. “Deepak. I…I should not have done that. I apologize. What I just did was not right.”
She was very ashamed. Deepak came closer to her, and she moved back, not allowing him to touch her. “Deepak, I…I was weak for a moment. Please…I am sorry. It wasn’t right,” she repeated.
“It’s okay, Roshni. You don’t have to apologize, and it is perfectly fine.”
It was okay for him because she was his wife; it was not okay for her because she thought she was not his wife.
“Roshni, don’t worry. It’s fine. Please continue… What were you saying? What happened to Babuji? Did he have any symptoms?” he asked.
“He died of a massive heart attack,” she replied.
“How? I mean, did something bother him?”
He actually knew a few details from Vivek and Vaishali, but he hoped Roshni would share so she would feel better.
Roshni was quiet. Deepak came forward and placed his hand on her shoulder, but she wasn’t ready for him to be near her. Without wasting any time, she removed his hand from her shoulder.
Deepak did not insist; he was respectful of her feelings. “Come, Roshni. Let’s sit and talk about it.”
Roshni followed him and sat on a chair but did not want to talk. She held her face in her palms and cried.
Deepak again knelt in front of her and was being sensitive to touching her, very lovingly said, “Roshni…Roshni…please…please control yourself.” He waited patiently, allowing her to let out her emotions.
After a few minutes, she regained control, and she leaned back on the chair and closed her eyes.
Deepak brought a glass of cold water for her, and she drank.
“Thanks for the water, Deepak. I’m sorry for bursting out so suddenly.”
“It’s all right, Roshni. You don’t have to apologize.” He waited for her to talk more as he rubbed her left hand and consoled her.
“Babuji sensed that I was not happy in this marriage. I avoided discussing it with him, but he took me to his house on the pretext of spending some time with me, and then he cornered me that night and asked me about our relationship.”
Deepak listened patiently.
“I avoided giving details, but he was not ready to accept short answers; he wanted to know more. I could never lie to him, and he knew it. Finally…I told him very briefly…the conversation between us on our wedding night. He couldn’t bear this. He was worried for me and asked me if we had discussed our future, and I had to tell him about the decision I made. This tore him apart completely. He wanted to talk to Sashank bhaiya. I stopped him because we’d already seen some positive changes in Sashank bhaiya and Akash bhaiya, and I did not want to ruin everything. He agreed, but…”
She wiped her tears and continued, “Kusum didi came that night to spend time with me, and we had dinner together. He felt very discouraged and walked away to his room. He needed some time to overcome the shock. Kusum didi left, and since Babuji was already in his room, I went to my room without disturbing him. The next morning I went to check on him and…and…found him dead in his recliner.”
She slowly got up, walked towards the window, and turned towards Deepak, who was listening scrupulously. “He died of this shoc
k. He probably felt guilty for getting me married. I have a strong feeling he took the blame upon himself.” She sighed. “I wish I had not told him anything.”
Deepak walked up to her. “Roshni, I wish I was more mature and thoughtful in talking to you on our wedding night. I made a big, big mistake that night.”
She was quiet and looked into his eyes.
“I am ashamed, Roshni. As I said, I was too nervous with this marriage; all the past incidents of my older bhabhi scared me. I wanted to share my thoughts, but I guess I shared at the wrong time. I was very tense and wanted to share my feelings, my fears with somebody. Unfortunately, I could not talk to Sashank bhaiya or Akash bhaiya, and when you noticed it and asked me why I was worried, it felt like you cared. At that moment you became a friend to me, and without any hesitation, I confided in you and blurted out everything.”
It was time for him to open up to her, and he did.
“Roshni, she treated all of us very badly, especially my babuji. She made him work like a servant, took away all his money, and…there were several occasions we had nothing to eat. I was very young at that time and did not understand much, but the actions and observations still influenced me. Sashank bhaiya was older, and he could not take this treatment any more. She would lie to her husband, meaning my older bhaiya, about us, and he believed her and started yelling at us, and several times he beat me and Akash bhaiya too.”
Roshni was shocked to hear all this. She knew a few details, but now, Deepak completely opened up to her, and she was happy. At least now she could understand why he said what he said on that night!
She listened to him very patiently, letting him talk it out without any interruptions.
“Finally, our babuji could not take this anymore, and he died of a heart attack one day when she created trouble and yelled and shouted at him and accused him. After this incident, Sashank bhaiya decided to move out of that house with Akash bhaiya and me, never again to come back to them. Sashank bhaiya hated bhabhi, and after that incident he stayed away from women and never had a great regard or respect for women. You may have noticed it soon after our marriage.”
She agreed because she had noticed his harsh behavior.
“Akash bhaiya and I have very bad recollections of those days. Both of us made up our minds not to marry. I saw the incompatibility between my older brother and bhabhi, but still he continued to live with her, being very unhappy, hoping she would change some day. He was worried about the impact on us children, but he kept going. All this had a great influence on me.”
He continued after a pause, “However, after living in the US for a few years, I saw that all women are not like my older bhabhi, and I changed my opinion regarding marriage. It was at this time I decided that I would only marry if I found somebody who I thought would be compatible with me and my family.”
Deepak gazed into her eyes. “When I came to India in December, I felt pressured because your babuji and bhaiya had already…I mean, had our marriage fixed. Bhaiya would not listen to me, and I did not want to make him unhappy. I was very tense through our wedding. My fears, worries, past thoughts and history – all played havoc on me. I was hoping to talk to somebody who could understand me and my feelings, and unfortunately, I blurted out everything to you, not realizing that it caused suffering to you.”
He had teary eyes as he shared these thoughts.
No wonder you were so uptight that day. I could sense that tension! Roshni thought.
“It did not occur to me until you said that you don’t trust me or respect me and that I deceived you – I was appalled, and it was at that time I realized the harm I had done to you. My heart cried. I had so much pain, b-b-but the damage was done.” He wiped his tears.
Roshni understood the pain and the internal struggle he went through at the time of their wedding, and she believed he was genuine.
“Roshni…please forgive me. Unknowingly I caused distress to you. I did not mean to; believe me. I am not a rude person, and I am not a cheater either. I struggled to convey my feelings to you. I…I…” He stopped and paused.
After a few minutes, he continued, “The conversation we had in Jammu was a big eye opener for me. You were so composed and handled everything so maturely, I started respecting you. I was so impressed that in spite of all that happened, you were determined to fulfill the promise you gave your babuji. I am sure he is so happy now, and…I started noticing the influence you had on Sashank bhaiya, Akash bhaiya and others around you. You certainly have a great talent in you: your unconditional love, your simplicity and genuineness, your calm approach to problem solving, your patience…everything. I mean everything about you is so remarkable! I apologize for battering you and insulting you. I cannot forgive myself for that.”
He came to her and said, “Roshni, I can understand you being angry with me. To a certain extent, I am responsible for your babuji’s death as well, but you made me realize a lot of things…especially my opinions regarding marriage and life partners – all changed. Thank you, I am so happy to see Sashank bhaiya married, and now you are embarking on getting Akash bhaiya married, so impressive. I do not know if I can ever repay you for this kindness other than asking for forgiveness and…and…”
Roshni waited very curiously.
He held her hands. “Over these last few months I’ve thought a lot about our relationship and all that you did. I…I cannot forgive myself until you forgive me,” he said. “Roshni, please forgive me, will you?”
He wanted to convey his feelings to her, but she was not ready for this.
Roshni pulled her hand away. “Deepak, what is done is done. Let’s not brood over it. You have your life to move on with, and I have mine. We made a decision regarding our relationship, and I don’t regret it at all. I have a mission until December 14th, a few more months, and I will try to fulfill my promise. If I can’t, that is fine. At least I have accomplished a major goal of making Sashank bhaiya and Akash bhaiya happy.”
Roshni believed he was real when he shared his feelings towards her. She thanked him for opening up his past that bothered him, but she was not ready to forgive him yet! She was beginning to accredit him and honor his feelings, but she was inhibited. She could not let go of what he had done to her.
For Deepak, Roshni was too precious to let go. He wanted to continue this relationship with her. He made every effort to patch things up with her and bring her back in his life; however, Roshni was determined to leave him.
She looked at the clock, and it was past midnight. “It’s very late. Let’s sleep. If necessary, we can discuss this more tomorrow,” she suggested.
“Roshni, can I suggest something? We are both adults; why don’t we sleep on the same bed, maintaining this distance. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
Roshni glanced at the bed and back at him. He pleaded, and she trusted that he wasn’t faking. She agreed, and both slept on the bed, maintaining their distance.
This was a remarkable trip indeed. Unawares, they opened up to each other, and certainly, both felt relieved after this.
Roshni fell asleep very soon, and Deepak admired her. Her beauty, her peaceful smile – he could not resist appreciating her qualities. Everything about her was beautiful. How could he not see all this before?
~ ~ ~
The next morning, Roshni woke up and turned on her side. Deepak was asleep. The previous night came back to her, and she believed he was sincere when he apologized to her. She felt relieved. Deepak apologized to her, and she opened up to him regarding Babuji and was glad Deepak provided the support. However, she struggled with a dilemma, an unknown fear: should she forgive him? She was not ready to forgive him yet!
With these thoughts, she looked at the clock – 8 a.m. She got up without disturbing Deepak and got ready.
She went to the reception area and brought two cups of chai to the room. Deepak opened his eyes and watched her from the corner of his eye, still lying down. She was not aware he was awake.
Sh
e settled herself on the chair and read the newspaper, occasionally sipping chai. The chai did not taste as good as she had expected, but she tolerated it. Deepak was enchanted by her simplicity; he just lay there and watched her. The desire to have her back in his life became stronger.
He got up, and after the morning chores, joined her for chai while they discussed the plan for that day. They agreed to leave after breakfast and get the shopping done before they went home. Roshni agreed to go out to a dinner date with Deepak that evening. Her every word was like nectar for him, so pleasing and so satisfying! He did not want to miss any opportunity.
At breakfast, Roshni initiated the conversation. “Deepak, I wanted to tell you something.”
“What?” He waited eagerly.
“As you have seen, Sashank bhaiya, Akash bhaiya and Kusum didi have become very attached to me, and me too. I had only Babuji with me always, and now that I am living here with everybody, it feels very nice, a nice family feeling.”
Deepak nodded and agreed with her.
“When I decide to leave, it might become very difficult for all of us to stay away from each other, so…”
This statement hit Deepak like a big, hard rock. He was nervous to hear what she had to say.
“I talked with Mr. Gupta, our director. Our firm is collaborating with a firm in Bangalore on a project. They need somebody from here to train their professionals and work with them, and I have accepted this assignment.”
Deepak was terrified of losing Roshni. He envisioned his task of winning her back becoming more challenging. “What? I mean, have you discussed this with Sashank bhaiya and Kusum didi?”
“No, I wanted to share this with you first. It is a project for four to six months. I have to be in Bangalore in July or August, and the project ends in December or early next year. This way, I can leave your house without any hassle, and nobody will suspect. I will continue to stay in Bangalore as long as the project needs me. I hope when you return next time with your wife or girlfriend, you can convince the others at home to accept her. I don’t have to come back to this house. When my project is finished, I can go to my house…Babuji’s house.”
Love after Marriage Page 19