by Dayo Benson
Jace was reading the Bible on his cell phone. Snazzy. He helped me find the right place in my Bible. I showed it to Sandy, and she decided that she wanted to stand up and read. About half a dozen other people had stood up too. Tanya chose Sandy to read.
“For we walk by faith, not by sight,” Sandy read. She sat down feeling pleased with herself for reading the Bible.
“Not loud enough,” Tanya’s voice boomed around the hall. “Read it again.”
I giggled. “Is she for real?”
Sandy stood up again. “For we walk by faith, not by sight,” she shouted.
Everyone cheered and clapped, but Tanya didn’t look too pleased. “Can we settle down, please?” She looked at Lisa. “What does this verse mean to you, Lisa?”
Lisa smiled happily, like she hadn’t a care in the world. “It describes my whole life. I’ve had to walk by faith, because obviously, I can’t walk by sight. But it applies spiritually, as well, because there are people who say that if God is really there, then how come we’ve never seen Him? Well, it’s by faith. You can’t have faith if you’re still walking by sight.
“And I’d just like to appeal to anyone out there listening who doesn’t want to believe. I could decide not to believe in the things I’ve been told about plants, about animals, and even about myself, because I’ve never seen any of those things and I’ve never seen myself. If I did that, everyone would think I was crazy. They’d find it hard to see why I won’t just have faith in the testimony of those that can see. I’m pleading with you today. Have faith in the testimony of those that can see, those that have a relationship with God, and have faith in what the Bible says. Dare to walk by faith, and God will reveal Himself to you.”
Okay, can we stop laboring this point! Of course, everyone was clapping again. The singing had been good, but now, I just wanted to go home.
Tanya handed the microphone back to Michelle who ran a hand through her hair a couple times before she read from her paper. Michelle was still an airhead, even if she was saved.
“Lisa, how would you feel if people who can see refused to describe things like the sun, colors, and animals, to you? How would you feel if people refused to tell you what things look like?”
“I would feel cheated. I would feel like they’re selfish or that they think I’m just a waste of time. Sometimes, I hear someone’s voice, and I ask someone close by to describe the person for me. Or I go outside, and it’s warm, and I get someone to tell me how it is, if the sky is blue, if there are flowers around, if everything looks nice. If someone ignores me or tells me reluctantly, I feel like they are not a nice person.”
Michelle faced the audience. “For those of you who are Christians, when you fail to share your faith, you are being selfish. You owe it to the people around you to tell them about the abundant life available in Christ.”
Carl and Liam who were sitting in front of us decided to leave. Sandy and I smothered giggles as they made their way out.
Carl turned and waved to Michelle before he exited. “Good job, Michelle, but the Lakers are playing in about half an hour,” he called. “See you tomorrow.”
“Okay,” Michelle said into the microphone.
There was a ripple of restrained laughter all over the hall. “Carl is too funny,” Sandy giggled.
Jace leaned forward in his seat, and I was able to look over at Monica. She smiled at me when I gave an elaborate fake yawn.
“I think it’s interesting,” she said.
I resumed my cell phone game as Lisa and Michelle continued. I could see where they were coming from, but I wasn’t interested in accepting Jesus or any other such leap of faith. When the presentation was over, the whole of Tanya’s group came forward, and everyone clapped for them.
Michelle returned to her seat beside us. “How did we do?” she asked Jace.
“It’s been the best presentation so far,” Jace told her.
“Really?” Michelle looked pleased. “I like being in Tanya’s group. She always has the best ideas.”
“Well, wait till my group. Ours is gonna be really good.”
“What’s your topic?”
“Dating and pre-marital sex.”
Sandy laughed. “Yeah, right, Jace. You’re not really one to be talking about that now are you?” She gave me a sharp jab in the ribs.
I decided to go to the bathroom. I’d seen it in the hallway on our way in.
“Are you leaving?” Jace asked. He’d just totally ignored Sandy’s comment.
I didn’t answer. I pushed past him and Monica, and walked off. When I got back, Jace was holding my Bible. He held it out to me, thinking that was what I had come back for. I pushed to my seat, sat down, and snatched it from him.
He took my hand and squeezed it. “Thanks for staying, Lexi.”
I returned his smile uncomfortably. I didn’t want Jace being nice to me. It confused me. Besides, I was staying because I’d brought Monica, not because he wanted me to stay.
Mike was back on the stage talking about why we all needed a relationship with God. I watched Monica. She looked like she was hanging on to his every word. When he offered to pray for anyone who wanted to start their relationship with God, Monica went forward.
“Okay, what is she doing?” Sandy whispered.
Jace looked at me, and I avoided his gaze. I was not going to the stage. Monica repeated a prayer after Mike along with the rest of the people who’d gone forward. After it, the band played, but Monica didn’t come back to her seat. “Can you see Monica?”
“She’s talking to Mike,” Sandy said pointing.
If religion would help Monica, that’d be great, but I just hoped she wasn’t going to get too carried away with it.
Monica got on the stage when the band finished. Everyone sat down, and a girl from the front row walked up to the stage and passed her a tissue.
I sat up straight in my chair and squinted. “Is she crying?”
“Yeah,” Sandy said.
“I should have come up before when Mike asked if anyone had something to thank God for,” Monica said in a shaky voice. “Everything that you guys have said tonight is so true. I know that God is real, and He seems so real right now. While Michelle and Lisa were doing the presentation, I decided to give my life to Jesus.”
Monica paused while everyone clapped. There seemed to be genuine joy at her little revelation.
“Well, I just want to thank God that I’m alive.” Monica paused and looked down at her feet. “Last week, I attempted suicide.”
The hall went dead quiet.
“Why is she telling everybody this?” I mumbled to Sandy. Sandy looked at her hands and started fiddling with one of her bangles uncomfortably. She’d thought Monica was just sick when she was off school. She hadn’t known the truth.
“I took all the pills I had, and then I started getting serious pains,” Monica continued. “At first, I didn’t realize that it was because of the pills. When I did, I was so scared. I tried to get outside to my car, but I collapsed on the floor at my front door. Honestly, no matter how bad life gets in the future, suicide is one thing I’m never going to attempt again. It was horrible. Honestly, don’t ever try it.”
Monica sniffed and wiped her eyes. “Anyway, I was lying on the floor, scared out of my mind. I couldn’t breathe, and I was so weak. I just started praying and crying out to God for help. I’ve heard Tanya pray before, so I used a line from one of her prayers that has always stuck with me. It was ‘let Your angels take charge over me,’ so I said that about three times. Right then, my front door opened, and the next thing I knew, Tanya, the angel God sent, was asking me if I was okay. Obviously, I couldn’t speak, but I heard her call for an ambulance. And just before I passed out, all the fear and terror went away. I knew it would be okay.” Monica drew in a ragged breath. “I thank God for this second chance He’s given me.”
There was yet more clapping. My eyes were filling up, and I blinked rapidly to stop the tears falling. Why was Monica d
oing this? It was just breaking my heart. We hadn’t talked about her attempted suicide because it was uncomfortable, and I didn’t know if I could handle listening to her story. I really didn’t want to hear it. I just wanted her to book weekly appointments with Dr. Paula, take her medication, and shop as usual.
Mike stepped forward and made Monica look at him. “You’re a beautiful child of God, and you are very special to Him. Right now, there is great rejoicing in heaven because another soul has been added to the Kingdom. If you don’t have a church, you’re very welcome to join this one. We look forward to having you as part of our family.”
Monica hopped off the stage smiling, and everyone clapped as she came back to her seat. Jace hugged her when she sat down.
Mike gave a few announcements about the other church activities and encouraged us all to come, and then the meeting was over.
Monica was surrounded immediately. I waited for her at a reasonable distance. Some people tried to talk to me too, but I cut them off. I even lied to one overly persistent guy that I was already saved so that he would leave me alone.
***
“So was all that for real?” I asked Monica, as I drove us to my house. She was staying the night.
“Of course. Why would I do all that, and it not be real?”
“Well, maybe you just wanted to make Tanya happy?”
“I wouldn’t go that far.”
I switched on the radio and tuned in to a Jazz station. Monica looked different. I didn’t know how to describe it exactly other than to say that she looked relaxed—thoughtful, but relaxed.
“I’m surprised you didn’t go forward, too,” she said.
A song my dad used to play around the house came on: “Smooth Operator.” I listened to the familiar lyrics, and remembered how my dad used to whistle the tune while he made breakfast on Saturday mornings. We’d have breakfast while we watched my mom giving beauty advice on TV. I sighed. “I don’t know, Monica. It all sounds good and everything, but it’s not for me.”
“It’s for everyone.”
I didn’t want to argue about it. “Well, maybe I’m just not ready.”
When we got home, it was almost eight o’ clock. My mom was already in bed. Monica and I watched TV until about eleven, and then we went to my room. Monica was quiet. We changed into our pajamas in silence, and as Monica lay down, I turned out the lights.
“Lexi, do you mind if I switch on the lamp?” Monica’s voice came in the darkness.
“No, why?”
“I just want to do some reading.”
I groaned. “Give those erotic novels a rest Monica.”
Monica clicked the lamp switch and reached for her Bible, which she’d placed on my nightstand. I closed my eyes momentarily. First Michelle, then Jace, now Monica. Everyone was getting saved and leaving me behind. Would Monica start going to the lunchtime Christian Union, too? Was our friendship going to change now that she was saved?
Jace had said that Christians couldn’t date non-Christians. Was it the same for friendships?
Chapter 30
“Did you read that thing all night?” I asked Monica, turning off my alarm clock and sitting up. She was sitting at my table fully dressed, reading her Bible.
“No, I got up early so that I could read some before we leave.”
I threw my towel over my shoulder and went to the bathroom. It looked like Monica was truly saved! What was going on? It was like a religious epidemic was breaking out, and it was freaking me out.
Monica was still reading when I got back to my bedroom after my shower. “I’m thinking I’ll go to Christian Union at lunchtime.”
I had known that was coming. “And you want me to go with you?” I asked as I slapped moisturizer onto my legs.
“You don’t have a choice.”
“I do,” I grumbled.
Nevertheless, at lunchtime, I found myself allowing Monica to drag me to the Christian Union, which was held in an empty classroom. When we walked in, everyone looked pleased to see us.
“Ya’ll didn’t say Lexi got saved too,” a boy that I had never seen before said, a tad over-enthusiastically.
“I didn’t,” I returned. I wasn’t pleased to be there, and I wasn’t going to hide it. Monica made her way over to Tanya and Michelle, and I followed her and sat down. There were quite a few kids there. Thankfully, Jace wasn’t.
When I got home that night—yes, it was night because Monica had wanted to hang out with Tanya and milk her for all she was worth about the Bible—my mom was sitting at the kitchen table. She had the phone in front of her, and from the way her shoulders were slumped, I knew she’d been crying.
“Mom?” I put a hand on her shoulder. “Are you okay?”
She didn’t look up. I knew she hated it when I caught her crying.
“Mom, what’s up?”
She raked a hand through her hair and sighed. “Your dad’s family is holding a memorial service next month for his anniversary. I’m going to have to go.”
I was furious. My dad’s family had always had a bone to pick with my mom. It was like their life’s goal to make her life a misery. I didn’t get it. “Why do you have to go? What are they going to do if you don’t?”
“I have to go, Lexi.”
I sat down. “But why are they doing this? Don’t they know we’re trying to put it behind us? Why have a memorial and dig it all up again?”
“They mean well.”
She’d said it, but I knew she didn’t believe it. They had never meant well. “I’m going with you.”
“You can’t. You have school.”
“I don’t care. I’m going.”
My mom dabbed her eyes with a scrawny piece of tissue. “I’ll book you a flight ticket, then. I’ve already booked mine.”
I decided to give my mom some space. She looked really upset. I went to my room. My own mood had taken a nosedive now too.
I laid face down on my bed. I couldn’t believe I had survived a year without my dad. It didn’t seem like it had been that long already, the pain was still so raw. Hot tears streamed down my face, and I wished I could just shut down, like a computer. Why didn’t I have an off button that I could just push and switch off? Alcohol had been Michelle’s off button once. I considered it for a moment, but it didn’t appeal. I called Monica.
“Stop crying,” Monica instructed gently. “What’s the matter? I can’t help you if you won’t talk.”
I told her about my dad’s memorial service.
“Calm down, Lexi,” she said. “Everything will be okay. Do you want me to pray with you?”
“No.”
“Lexi, you need God at a time like this.”
I wondered why I’d called her. Speaking to Monica was getting to be like speaking to Tanya. “Maybe I would believe in God if he brought my dad back.”
Monica was quiet for a moment, and I heard a rustling noise. “I’m sure God has brought back dead people before. Let me see.”
“He has?”
“Yeah,” the rustling continued. “It’s in here somewhere.” I waited while she searched. After a while she gave up. “Let me call Tanya. She’ll know.”
When Monica called me back, I wrote down the references. I used the index at the front of my Bible to find each one. I read them all, and when I finished, I shut the Bible. I hoped they weren’t just stories. I hoped they were all really true.
I decided to pray. God, if you bring my dad back, then I’ll know you’re really there, and I’ll become a Christian and go to church.
I sat still for a moment waiting. Then I came to my senses. What was I expecting? To see my dad walk through the door? That wasn’t going to happen. Why was I wasting my time reading the Bible and praying? I knew better than to give myself false hope.
The next day at school, I kept to myself. At lunchtime, I couldn’t find Monica, and I knew she’d gone to Christian Union. I respected the fact that she felt God had ‘reached out’ to her in her time of need, but all the sa
me, I couldn’t help thinking that she and Michelle were just using Christianity as a crutch. The only reason they were now Bible huggers was because their lives were pathetic, and they were depressed. They just wanted to feel better about themselves. I could cope without a crutch. I didn’t need to speak to an imaginary Friend in the sky and read about Him to make myself feel better.
Chapter 31
You know how they say there’s no smoke without a fire? I used to find that little saying so annoying, especially when my mom used it, but it proved itself true during lunch break on Friday.
I decided to go to the library and look for that economics textbook that Mr. McGee had been recommending since September. I wanted to major in communications at college, but I was spending most of my time studying economics because I was cool with my other classes. Well, cool enough to get into college. If any subject was going to let me down, it would be economics, and I couldn’t let that happen. Hence, the reason I thought I had better look for McGee’s recommended textbook.
So, I checked the book number in the library catalog computer and went to the politics, philosophy, and economics section. I followed the numbers and turned a corner, and there were Jace and Andrea making out behind a bookcase.
They both jumped apart, and Andrea turned bright red. Jace looked mortified. I walked past and continued scanning the numbers on the books. I wasn’t going to think about it. Jace could do what he liked. If he wanted to trade a sleek, classy Maserati for a beat up, two-door Fiesta, just because the Fiesta was ‘saved’ that was his prerogative, and it didn’t bother me in the slightest. Okay, it did, but telling myself that it didn’t helped somewhat. I wondered if she’d been to his black, white, and metallic red den. So what if she had? Who cared?
After school, Carl was waiting by my car. I grinned as I approached, remembering his exit from church the other day. “Hey, Carl, what can I do for you?”
“Just wanted to say hi. How’s it going?”