by Willow Dean
Of what I did hear, I certainly don’t want a reminder of. Ignorance is bliss and all that. Most of it I just ignored, only hearing snippets of what had been said.
Realizing I can’t hide this from the guys, I work my way up to speaking. Taking in a deep breath, it leaves me just as quickly as Aus starts talking again.
“Murderer. Whore. Dirty, cheap skank-” My shoulders tighten more with each word he utters as I try desperately to stop the tears from escaping. “Killer. Torturer. Sleazebag. Wet lips. Play–”
“Enough!” I yell, biting into my lip, hoping the pain is enough to distract me from the heartache.
It’s not.
Yeah, I may act tough and try my best to let the comments and insults go over my head, and it had worked. Until now.
Listening to Aus say it out loud just drove them home, nice and hard. In the confines of my own mind, I can’t help but see the truth in their words.
Gem’s death was my fault, even if it was only by extension. The pain that she must have gone through before she died must have been excruciating. So, torturer and murder are probably not far off the mark.
Whore? Not so much. That’s probably one of the only rumors that doesn’t have an essence of truth to it. Although I’m not a virgin, I don’t sleep around either. The last time I had any semblance of physical contact with anyone was at Rick’s party, and even then, it was only dancing. Before that…let’s just say it had been a while.
Since then, I’ve had no inclination to get close to anyone. Not anymore.
Yes, I’m living with five deliciously handsome guys, but our relationship isn’t like that. My head’s not in the right place to even consider dating, inside or outside of our group.
My focus is solely on finding my family’s killers, not dropping my pants for anything in trousers -or elsewise- whichever way the rumors decide to portray me.
Even if I was looking, I wouldn’t look to our group of misfits. None of our group look at each other like that. We banded together out of necessity. For survival. All to create a semblance of belonging and to fill in the gap that was left behind by our pasts. To form an unbreakable companionship, a family, to help protect us from this cruel world.
Logically, I can’t fault people for thinking that I was messing about within our group. Each one of my guys are fiercely protective of me and one of them is always at my side, wherever we go.
We’re always together, and I won’t lie and say there’s no physical contact. Each one of the guys uses physical contact to ground themselves when they are struggling or triggered. Most of the time though, they use it to assure themselves that I am safe.
Our interactions have never been sexual in nature. They are purely platonic. To the outside eye though, I suppose it could easily be misinterpreted.
I don’t know whether y’all know, but apparently, women aren’t allowed to cuddle up to male friends or have any physical contact with them anymore. Unless they are sleeping with them of course.
By all accounts, females and males are not capable of co-existing together without jumping each other’s bones. Just thought I’d let you all know that the social norms have changed.
You’re welcome.
Aus shocks me out of my internal monologue by striding across the room and dropping down to a knee in front of me. Snatching my chin up, he lifts it so I have no choice but to meet his eyes. Fury dances across their cobalt blue depths.
“I know that look. Don’t you dare blame yourself or think that what they say is true. It’s bullshit and you know it. You are none of those things,” he snarls. “They are merely rumors started by jealous idiots who know nothing about you. Do. Not. Let them break you, Lila.”
Not moving his gaze an inch, I’m forced to watch as understanding filters out the fury in his gaze as his grip on my chin tightens. Fed up of trying to be strong, I let the tears come. Warm and wet, they pave tracks down my cheeks.
Everyone is allowed a moment of weakness. A moment where their façade crumbles. An opportunity to grieve.
The words may not affect me, but their meanings certainly do. Especially when I apply them to myself far more often than the rumors ever do.
I am a killer. Gem would still be here if she hadn’t come with us. If I hadn’t been the target-
“Stop,” Aus says sternly.
“But it was my fault that Gem was–”
“Stop!” He suddenly shouts, making me jump. Lowering his voice, he continues. “None of what happened was your fault, Mila. You can’t blame yourself for something that you cannot control.” Aus hesitates.
Looking at Jax, who gives him a nod of encouragement, he grits his teeth and takes a deep breath. Each word he utters, carries a deep sense of vulnerability behind it. “It was not your choice to kill Gem or your parents. Fault lies with the person who made that choice. You had no choice in the matter, so the fault is not yours. Do not take on that burden.”
Getting lost in the conviction that swirls like flurries of snowflakes in his eyes, I know that deep down, he truly believes what he says. The problem is, although it makes sense to me, I just can’t bring myself to accept that I’m not responsible in some way.
They’ll change their mind on how they see me once they actually know what happened. I’m certain.
I haven’t spoken to anyone about all of what happened yet. The knowledge still sits like an anvil, lying heavily on my chest. I know I’ll need to tell them soon, just so that I can get some reprieve from the memories that continue to bombard me.
I just can’t bring myself to do it. Not yet.
“As for the rumors about us dating, I am more than happy to play along,” Micah interrupts with a wink. “I don’t mind playing hooky with such a beautiful woman.”
A soft laugh escapes my lips as he gyrates his hips behind Aus. Sonic always knows how to cheer me up.
Yeah, I like that nickname. It’s fitting.
Aus gently strokes my cheek to bring my attention back to him. “We would do anything to protect you, Lila. We all know what goes on behind closed doors, and where we stand with each other, and that’s all we need to know. Let them talk. Let them think whatever they like. Their opinions aren’t important to any of us. You are what is important to us. Don’t let them quench the fires of the fierce and loyal woman we know you to be.”
My heat melts at his tender words as the tears threaten to spill once more. Gently placing a kiss on my forehead, he begins to pull back before I snag his sleeve. “Cuddles?” I croak out between sobs as I lower my walls and let everything out.
They all gather around in silence as Aus envelops me in his arms and cradles me to his chest as I cry my heart out.
I always found something so soothing about being tucked away from the world in the arms of someone bigger than you. Almost like when you are held as a babe in your mothers arms. It makes the world seem small and offers you a sense of safety and protection. Like nothing could ever touch you.
After a while, my sobs cease and my cocoon is disturbed by a gentle stroke on my arm. “Mila, we have something to show you.” Glancing up to Jax, he moves his hand from my arm to stroke back the hair from my now soaked face.
Offering me a tissue, I graciously take it before apologizing to Aus for ugly crying and drenching his shirt. He simply smiles and rubs my back until Jax offers me a help up.
Taking his proffered hand, I stand and he coaxes me through the house to follow him outside. Confused, I ask why we are heading outside into the dark, but I get shushed. It doesn’t slip my notice that everyone else is tagging along too.
Taking our time, we make our way across the patio to the grass that extends beyond it. Spotlights along the walkway direct us under the soft light of the moon.
Walking down the steps at the end of the grass, we enter what looks like a botanical paradise. Enclosed by towering hedges, we traipse down a beautiful stone adorned path into a massive multicolored flower garden that has an ornate water feature standing erect in the middle.<
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The sound of trickling water meets my ears as it flows over the edge of the rounded top basin and into the pool below. A little cherub sits on the top, overlooking the expanse of iridescent flowers laid at its feet.
Lights are placed sporadically within the flower beds, providing a warm ray of light that’s just enough to emphasize the shape of each flower and their vibrant colors.
Pulling me alongside him, Jax winds around the fountain and continues down the path. Gasping, I tug my hand out of his as I stop dead in my tracks.
How?!
Someone else drapes their arm around my shoulders and pulls me into their side, encouraging me forward.
Enclosed by an array of flowers on either side, the path continues until it eventually opens up to present a sparkling black marble slab that’s nestled in a bed of exquisite, white lilies.
Mum’s favorite.
Waiting patiently, a figure stands off to the side with his hands clasped in front of him. Lachlan’s face is alight with the glow of the four white candles that stand proudly atop of what I now know is a memorial.
Flickering delicately in the wind, the candles surround the three squared frames like beacons to the lost. Projecting a faint ethereal light onto the faces in the pictures, my heart breaks all over again.
They’re all here.
“You deserve to have the chance to say goodbye to those you love, M. We would never take that away from you,” Rick whispers gently as his arm tightens around my shoulders.
My legs give way from underneath me as a sorrowful keening sound erupts out of my chest. Rick catches me and envelops me in his arms.
It’s real. It’s all real. They really aren’t coming back to me. It’s not just some horrific nightmare that I’ll eventually wake up from.
This is real. This is my life now.
I barely notice the guys forming a circle around Rick, who holds me tightly as I weep against his chest. They all step back as Rick picks me up and carries me towards the glistening black marble.
I don’t want to say goodbye. It feels too final. I shouldn’t be having to say goodbye. Not now. Not yet.
I try to study the pictures as we get closer, but I can’t make out the images through the tears that blur my vision.
“Let yourself grieve, M. You’ve been strong for far too long. We’re all here for you, for however long you need,” he assures softly.
I cling to him desperately, whimpering. “Please- Please don’t leave me. I can’t take anyone leaving anymore. Please,” I beg and plead, tightening my hold on his shirt.
Lachlan walks over with tears spilling from his eyes as he unclasps my hands. Taking me from Rick, he cradles me in his arms like a babe. I lock my arms around his neck and bury my head against his neck.
Agony spears my chest and grips it in a vice hold as I let myself be comforted by his embrace. It feels so similar to my dad’s hugs, that his touch brings fresh tears to my eyes. Raw sobs tear from my throat as he sits on the steps leading up to the slab.
Re-adjusting me in his lap so that I’m sitting across his legs, he rests his head on top of mine as he strokes my back with one hand and clasps my head with the other. Whispering comforting words in my ear, over and over again.
“Mila, you will never be alone. Never again. I will look after you as if you were my own. We will never leave your side, you have my word,” his words are slightly muffled as he kisses the top of my head. “Your parents would be so proud of you, of everything that you’ve done and all that you have overcome.”
“It hurts. It hurts so much,” I croak, barely able to concentrate on anything but the crushing tightness in my chest. The pain forever unrelenting.
“I know, Kiddo. Believe me, I know,” he rasps, tightening his hold. Rocking me back and forward he lets me grieve like I need too.
At some point the guys must have surrounded us. Each of them touches me in some way to reassure me of their presence. Lachlan holds me all the while, never once relinquishing his grip.
Once the tears finally dry up, I gently pull back. Lachlan places one last kiss on my forehead before reluctantly letting me go. When we’re both standing, I look up to him and see the tears still streaming down his face. Sorrow and regret tearing him apart.
Reaching up, I wipe them away and give him a solemn smile. “Thank you, Lachlan.” Taking a step back, I look to each one of my new family in turn. “All of you.”
Each of them stares back at me with varying degrees of anguish on their faces. A few of them even shed tears. Some wear them proudly, whilst others try to hide those that escaped.
Stepping away from Lachlan, I move closer to the front of the marble slab and examine the pictures laid out in front of me.
The first one is of me in Dad’s arms with a Pumpkin on my head. The day I got my nickname.
The next one is of mum and I in matching floral dresses as we danced in the garden with our wide brimmed straw hats.
The final one is of Gem and I on her tenth birthday when I dunked her head in the cake.
Each memory dances in front of my eyes as the candlelight flickers, bringing each one to light with a life of their own. The light sparkles off the quartz pieces that dot the marble slab, casting a vibrant glow across the picture frames and the stones at my feet.
I have no clue as to how they got the pictures, but at this moment in time, I am nothing but grateful. Running my hand along the slab, I reminisce on all the wonderful times we had together.
I have no idea how long I stand there just thinking. Remembering. So lost in my thoughts, I don’t even move as something thick and warm is draped across my shoulders.
Only then realizing how cold it is out here, the warm leather smell of Aus flows over my senses and cloaks me in a warm embrace. Snuggling down into his jacket, I wear it like a protective cloak as I prepare myself to finally acknowledge the truth.
“Mum. Dad. Gem. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I promise I tried my hardest, it just- It just wasn’t enough.” Swallowing back the tears, I say the three words that now scare me the most. “I love you. I love you all so much,” I finish croakily, dropping my forehead onto the slab. Hoping beyond hope that the cool, smooth surface will soothe my aching heart.
After a few minutes, I raise my head to take one last look at them before turning around to face my new family. Lachlan stands off to the side as the guys face me in a half circle. Each one of them stayed by my side for however long we’ve been out here for.
Even though none of them knew my parents or Gem that well, it was clear that they were moved by what happened here tonight. Their pasts swim brightly in their eyes as they watch me.
Jax is on the left side of the group and had his hands clasped in front of him, offering me a sympathetic and understanding smile. Aus stands next to him. Completely lost in his thoughts, he flicks his ring up and down his finger with a look of anger and loss etched across his face.
The twins are on the right side of the group, with Linc on the periphery running his fingers across his necklace as he stares intently at me. Sorrow flooding his features. Micah. My poor, poor Sonic. With his head hung low, he’s quiet. Too quiet.
A sparkle of light draws my attention as I track the solitary tear that glides down his cheek. His right hand is wrapped tightly across his left wrist in attempts to stop the harsh shakes that burden him. Linc notices too. Ever the protector, he places his arm around his brother's shoulders who tenses at his touch, before relaxing and accepting the comfort he so desperately needs.
Rick. My ironclad teddy bear. Stoic as always. His facial expressions give nothing away. Although he may be able to control his features, he can do nothing to clear his eyes of the pain and desperation of trying to save someone he couldn’t, no matter how hard he tries.
No matter how hard they all try to hide their emotions, being here tonight splayed them all wide open. Bringing up their memories too. Each of them having to confront the shadows that wait for them in the dark.
&nbs
p; Stepping forward from the group, Rick extends his hand to me. I gladly take it and step into him. “Thank you. Thank you all so much,” is all I can say.
Wishing there was some way I could show them the true extent of my gratitude and appreciation for what they’ve all done for me. I know that no sentiment would ever be enough.
“It’s the least we could do. You needed some closure, M. We’re just sorry we can’t give you the real thing.”
Shaking my head, I take a step back and make sure I have all of their attention. “I may not have what is physically left of my family, but I know they will always be with me.” Holding my hand over my heart, I continue. “I simply needed the time and the space to grieve, and you all gave that to me and so much more. You may not think of what you have done here as anything that special. But this,” I sweep my hand over the beautiful slab standing sentry behind me. “This means the world to me and so much more. I can’t tell, nor show you how much I truly appreciate what you’ve all done for me tonight, so thank you.”
The night is quiet for a minute before a weak, strained voice breaks the silence. “You didn’t bow.” All heads turn towards Micah. Eyes red and puffy, he raises his head to look back at me with a serious expression on his face. “You gave a speech. It’s good etiquette to bow at the end.” Shrugging his shoulders, he manages to force a weak smile.
No-one knows what to do for a minute. The mood somber, yet confusingly light. I giggle quietly at first before breaking out into full blown laugher as the other guys start to join in too.
Out of everyone, Aus is the one who moves over to Micah first to embrace him, where Micah clings on for dear life. This whole experience a lot harder on him than maybe even me.
Although he’s the same age as Linc, being his twin and all, he’s definitely the baby of the group. Always so chipper and up-beat, it’s hard to see him so withdrawn and quiet. My heart bleeds for him and whatever he’s had to deal with in his past.