by M. J. Fields
“Yeah, well, you’re a dick,” she whispers “dick” and keeps walking.
“Did you hear that?” Logan asks, pointing at her. “Did you see that she’s drunk?”
I suck my lips in and try not to laugh.
“That shit’s not funny, Ava. She’ll be in college soon. If she walks around, acting like that, she’s gonna get … mistreated. I need to tell Emma.” He starts to walk past us.
“Let it be.” I laugh.
“She’s not pissed,” T says at the same time.
Logan and I both look at him oddly.
“Pissed”—he nods—“means drunk.”
“Well, she’s buzzed,” Logan says.
“Better she cock up here with family than when she’s at school,” T says.
“What?” Logan and I both gasp.
He laughs. “Cock up means”—he scratches his head—“mess up, make a mistake.”
“She’s your best friend’s sister.” Logan looks at him like he’s insane.
“Exactly. She’ll be brilliant.”
Logan looks at me. “I’m ready to go. You need a ride, or are you sticking around?”
“I’ll go with you.” I almost laugh. I look at T then back at Logan. “Give me a minute, and I’ll be right out.”
“Fine,” Logan huffs and walks away.
“Okay, you’re messing with me, right?”
“About …?” T asks, trying to suppress a grin.
“The STI?”
“Give me your phone.” He holds his hand out.
I look at him like he’s crazy.
“For but a moment.”
I hand him my phone.
“You should charge this, Ava,” he tells me as he types something into it. Then he hands it back. “I shouldn’t have told you about the incurable disease you’ve given me today. It is Christmas, after all. Read this tomorrow. If you care to discuss it, text or call me.” He turns and walks away.
“Everything okay?” Dad asks, eyeing me skeptically as he walks toward me.
“Yeah. I think Logan’s tired. I am, too. We’re gonna head home, Skype Mom, and probably go to bed early tonight.”
“I can—”
“Dad, your wife needs you here, and we don’t need you to tuck us in. Besides, do you really want to Skype your ex-wife?”
He shakes his head. “No, but—”
“We’ll see you in the morning, right?”
“Yes.” He nods. “Logan and I are going to hit the gym. Then, if you want to do some shopping or a movie, we can do whatever you want.”
“Sounds good, Daddy.”
SIX
* * *
You can’t experience true love, if you haven’t experienced true pain.
— M. Shelley
Halfway through our ride home, Logan refuses to talk about what happened with London. Perhaps it’s because I laugh every time he says she’s a kid. He’s only a couple years older than her. Or maybe because I remind him of what he was doing when he was her age.
I Skype Mom on the way home. She seems happy, which is both annoying and comforting at the same time.
As we talk about … well, nothing, Robert pours her a glass of wine and leans in so we see his big old moon face on the screen.
“Merry Christmas, kids.”
Logan holds up his middle finger so that it isn’t seen by him or Mom, and I have to bite back a laugh.
Mom gives us a look, as if begging for us to return the bullshit sentiment. And we do like good little children. Less than a minute later, she says good-bye.
As soon as Logan pulls into the garage and shuts off the SUV, he receives a message.
“Is that London?” I laugh.
He glares at me. “It’s Jade. They’re playing cards and want us to come over,” he says, opening his door.
For the past two years, we have been going over after leaving Dad’s. It’s a little secret tradition. Not a secret because it was wrong to play cards, but Logan and I didn’t want Dad to be upset that he wasn’t with us. He is where he is supposed to be.
“You getting out, or you gonna sit there all night and make jokes that aren’t the least bit funny?”
I grab my phone and realize the battery is dead. Shit!
“Can we drive?”
He looks at me like I’m crazy.
“It’s cold.”
“I’ll grab you a scarf,” he says, shutting his door then muttering, “baby.”
***
We walk into Jade and Ryan’s where all of them are sitting around the table, even Luke.
“Perfect! Let’s play.” Lauren, the youngest of their four kids, smiles.
“Drink?” Jade asks.
“Please.” I nod and sit down next to her.
It’s not awkward at all, I tell myself the entire two hours I sit across from Luke, pretending like he didn’t just crush me yesterday.
Years of practice pays off, and no one except me seems to feel uneasy. No one else even notices because I am that good at making everyone around me smile.
Logan is practically falling asleep, and he hasn’t drunk an ounce.
“Go home.” Jade laughs at him.
“Good idea.” He nods and stands up. “You ready?”
“No, she’s staying with us.” Riley grins.
“I’ll be home soon,” I promise him. “Can you make it on your own, Loggie?”
He yawns, looking at Jade. “If she’s stumbling when she’s done, keep her here, would ya?”
“What are you, the sobriety police now?” I snort, and everyone laughs.
“Good night, sister,” he says with a bit of warning.
I know he doesn’t want me to say anything about London, and of course, I wouldn’t. Hell, I haven’t said anything to him about it in all the years I have watched him flip-flop between mooning over her and lording it over her.
An hour after Logan leaves, everyone seems to be yawning. Riley, Jade, Lauren, and I clean up the dishes and take care of the empties while Ryan, Luke, and Jackson clean up the game table.
“You okay?” Jade asks, nearly catching me looking at Luke.
“Yeah, of course. Just tired and—”
“Drunk.” Riley laughs.
I hold my hand up with my thumb and forefinger slightly apart. “Maybe just a little.”
“Luke, can you walk Ava—”
“No!” I gasp, and they all look at me. I force a smile. “I am seriously fine.”
“Come on, Ava,” Luke says from the doorway.
My body heats instantaneously. Unwelcome desire and all of those feelings that are called forth when he says my name, regardless of the tone he uses, flood every cell in my body.
I swallow back the thickness in my throat and roll my eyes. “Fine, but it’s unnecessary.”
I walk to the table to grab my coat off the back of the chair, but Jackson has it in his hands already, holding it up.
I put my arms through my sleeves. “Oh, so you’re the ladies’ man in the family?” Jackson is by far the quietest of the crew.
“Learning everything I know from my big brother.”
I laugh rather loudly then quickly cover my mouth.
Their father Ryan laughs and shakes his head. “You better catch up, then, young buck. Your brother’s been around the world, haven’t you, son?”
“You ready?” Luke asks as he gives a quick nod to Ryan, seeming almost annoyed.
I throw my hand up and wave. “Good night, everyone.”
“You’re home for a couple weeks, right?” Jade calls from the kitchen.
“Yep,” I say, pushing my feet into my boots, the ones Mom gave me, and then I walk out into the garage as Luke holds the door open. “See you later!”
Once outside, I sigh. “You don’t have to—”
“Like hell I don’t,” he snaps.
I can’t stop myself from turning back and looking at him. “Is it necessary to be nasty to me, Luke? After everything, is it really necessary?”
I turn and look at him. “What happened to—”
I trip and almost fall on my ass, but he catches my elbow and pulls me up.
“And there lies the fucking problem. All of you are oblivious to what the fuck is right under your damn noses.”
“Luke, I know you’ve seen and been through some horrible things in the past few years, but—”
“Few?” He laughs callously. “My entire life, I have watched every damn one of you treat me like I’m a fucking ghost. Ryan?” He huffs. “Calls me son? I’m not his fucking son.”
“Luke, that’s not fair,” I say sadly.
“No, fuck you, Ava. What’s not fair is that I’ve had to act like I understand all the fucking shit about my father. I never met the guy, but everyone around here thinks I should get all sentimental when they talk about him. None of them want me to know him; they want me to be him. Your father”—the way he says it is in disgust—“gives me shit like money for college and offers me a job because that’s what my old man would want. What about what the fuck I want? How about I be fucking Luke Lane and not some man they think I need to be?”
“Oh, Luke, that’s not—”
“The fuck it isn’t! Do you know what those people”—he points to his house—“put my grandparents through when I was born? Do you know that Tommy’s parents—my grandparents—are the only people who want me to follow my own path? They encourage me to stay in the Army, while all of them and you and your family think I should get out and join the Lucas show. Do you know, Ava, that Tommy died while taking your father to Syracuse because he wanted to get Tessa back from Ben! Ben, the one who is married to Tessa’s sister Kendall?”
I shake my head.
“It’s all fucking sick. It’s a big, incestuous mind-fuck. This whole town is a fucking joke.”
“Luke, we all love you, and—”
“No, you all love the memory of Tommy Lane. None of you have a clue who Luke Lane is, and I don’t give a fuck what your daddy thinks of me, Ava. Do you know how badly I want to tell him I fucked his little princess for years, knowing damn well I didn’t love her and never could?”
My mouth drops open as the reality of what he is saying hits me.
“You and I fucked. It was good. The minute you said those words to me, you fucked up your chance of having a holiday piece of ass handy. Or was it your service to the country that made you fuck me? Or was it the fact that your daddy fucked mine, and you wanted the same—”
I turn and slap him across the face, and he grabs me by the wrist.
“He loves you!” I scream.
“He doesn’t even know me. Neither do you, Ava. No more than all the other pussy around the world does!”
“You … you …” I stammer, unable to find the words I want to spew at him right now. The words to tell him I love him, but not this version of him.
“What? You what?” He lets go of my hand.
“You have been loved by so many. Truly, honestly, and deeply loved. You, not your father.” I poke him in the chest. “You!”
“You don’t love me,” he scoffs, “any more than I love you. We fucked. It was good to get off.”
I turn and walk quickly toward my house. Then I hear him coming behind me, so I stop and turn around.
“What do you want from me!”
“I want you to leave me the hell alone.”
I shake my head, feeling the finality in his words and his tone.
“Yes. You leave me alone, and you stop looking at me like you need a dick between your legs. Lord knows you’re getting it when I’m not here. Love one of them poor fuckers. Maybe then, Ava, you can stop living in their shadows and live your own damn life and not feel like you have to fuck me, because good old Tommy Lane wouldn’t like to know his bastard kid is getting fucked by Lucas Links’ kid, just like Lucas fucked him all the way up until his last breath.”
“You’ve got yourself a deal, Luke. I will block out any feelings I have for you, but you better make damn sure my father and your family never find out how much we disgust you. From what I hear, your father wouldn’t want that for them.”
I feel sick to my stomach, like I’m going to get sick, as he turns to walk away.
“Luke!” I call out. “Just so you know, I was in love with the boy who picked me to be on his team so I didn’t have to stop being me in order to fit in. That boy was you. I will always love that boy. I loved the man who put his country first. Until you are retired or decide to change careers, I will always say a prayer for your safety. But I am a woman of my word, and I am telling you right now that I am going to do everything in my power to calm the hurt, the pain, and the rejection I feel after how you have treated me. I am going to fill that hole you have created so that, when you pull your head out of whatever darkness it’s settled in, there is no room for a do-over.”
“Good. Now leave me the hell alone,” he snaps.
“And, Luke!”
He turns to look at me.
“Be safe. Please be safe and get some help.” That said, I walk into the garage and lean against the door as I lock it behind me. I reach into my pocket to document the time I promised I would never allow myself to fall in love again.
When I can’t find my phone, I remember I left it on the charger in the vehicle.
I open the door and grab it, seeing the message T sent. I read it.
GAD is the disease. Call me when you have some time. Good night, my goddess.
I hit call.
“Ava,” he answers.
“What the hell is GAD?” I ask, and for some unknown reason, I burst into tears.
“Ava—”
“I’ve never heard of it. I don’t understand.”
“Ava,” he tries again, but I can’t stop rambling, and when I do try, I sob because I can’t catch my breath.
“T,” comes out.
“You at your father’s home?” he asks. “Are you alone?”
“I’m not a whore. Are you sure—”
“Of course you aren’t.”
“Well, whores get diseases, not people like me!”
“Ava—”
“They get pregnant at sixteen, and—”
“Ava—”
“No, you listen to me—”
The phone goes dead. He hung up on me.
I hate him. I hate Luke. I hate everyone … including myself.
I slide down the door and cover my face as I cry. I cry for love lost. I cry for hate. I cry for Tommy, for Jade, for my father, for Luke, and for me. I cry for T because I gave him an STI, and I cry because I know damn well I don’t have one. Then, when I am done crying for all of us, I cry for Christmas that is no longer a day of hope.
I don’t know how much time has passed, but I am startled when there is a light tap on the window behind me.
Embarrassed at the possibility that Luke heard me and hopeful that he has returned to say he was sorry for all the ugly things he said and for what he actually believes about all of us, I stand and turn around.
T.
I wipe off my face and unlock the door, opening it just enough to ask him, “What are you doing here?”
“Are you alone?” he asks.
I take a shaky breath and tell him, “Logan’s asleep.”
And then I cry some more.
I step back as he walks in and shuts the door behind him.
“Too much spirit?” he asks, pushing my tear-soaked hair from my face and lifting my chin up.
My lip quivers, and I can’t form words.
“Oh, Ava, what have you done to yourself?” he says sadly and hugs me.
“Did I?” I ask then stop because I am still trying to catch my breath.
He steps back, not letting me go, but looks down at me. “It is definitely an incurable disease, Ava, but also a joke. GAD would stand for Goddess Ava Disease, and I am seriously afflicted, so much so that I drove far too fast in buggered up weather t
o get to you.”
“It would be sweet if I weren’t a mess.”
He smiles and strokes his thumb across my cheek, wiping away a tear.
Lights flash inside the darkened garage, and I look out the window as Luke’s truck passes by my house. He’s going to see her.
I look up at T as more tears fall.
“Ava,” he says sadly, “I wish I knew what to do to make it better.”
“Stay.” I wrap my arms around his neck and close my eyes.
When he doesn’t respond, I open my eyes. He locks eyes with mine and nods once before leaning down and pressing his forehead against mine.
“You’re certain?”
“Never more so.”
“Lead the way,” he says before pressing his lips to my head then taking my hand in his.
SEVEN
* * *
You can Love more than one person.
— Josie Charles
I walk quietly through the house, his hand tightly in mine. As I walk up the stairs, it’s with a purpose.
At my door, he stops, and I look back.
“This isn’t a good idea,” he says in a deep whisper.
“Please don’t tell me no.” I close my eyes and plead, “Please.”
I hear him take a deep breath, and then he slowly lets it out.
I take a chance and walk into my room, meeting no resistance. I then hear the door shut and lock behind us.
I turn, and he lets go of my hand to rub his hand through his messy, dark blond hair.
I step into him and link my hands behind his neck, pulling him down for a kiss.
Deciding to speed up the need to erase Luke’s last kiss, I push my tongue into his mouth. He pulls back and kisses my neck softly, gently,… and too slowly.
I take my hands from his neck, grab his jacket lapels, and push it off of him as he kicks off his boots. I take the bottom of his shirt and pull it up as I pull away from him.
“Ava,” he says softly, yet his tone is not soft. “Slow it down.”
“What?” I ask, still lifting his shirt.
He grabs my hands and pulls them to his lips. He kisses them, and through the moonlight cascading in my bedroom windows, I can tell he’s made up his mind.