“Now it’s our house,” she said. “We need to go, I’m sure there are things we need do.”
“Carlee Elizabeth…”
“Yes, Papa?”
“I love you like crazy.”
“I love you, right back. Let’s go home,” she said and reached for his hand.
Andy called Kimmy on the way, “Hey there, we’re on the way to our house,” he told her, as he looked at Carlee and smiled. “Want to meet us over there?”
Kimmy’s house was just around the corner from Andy’s, and only a few miles from where they were. She was already there when they arrived. She had a key, let herself in, and had a pot of coffee brewing. She went to Carlee and wrapped her in her arms when they came in through the kitchen door.
“I’m so sorry, honey,” Kimmy said.
“Where’s Jenna?” Carlee asked. Jenna was six years older, but the two had grown up together, like sisters. She was a first year teacher at the local elementary school.
“I called her, and she’ll be here as soon as school is out for the day.”
Carlee left them and went to her room. Kimmy poured coffee and she and Andy sat at the kitchen table.
“How’d it go,” Kimmy asked.
“OK, I guess. I’m a little worried,” he said, after a while. “She hasn’t cried since I told her.”
Kimmy sat back savoring the dark brew, and looked at Andy. She had known him a very long time. They’d shared a lot over the years. She lived through every up and down he’d been through with Beth, and every experience he’d shared with Carlee since. Life had a way of bringing people together, and she was happy to call him her friend.
“She will, on her terms, in her time. You know she’s a different soul, Andy,” Kimmy said. “She’s a loner. Life made her that way. Her life isn’t like the kids she goes to school with. Her family is her friends, and I think she likes it that way.”
“You know what she wanted to know when I told her about John, ‘Where will I live?’”
“And?” Kimmy heard him say ‘our house’ again in her head as he spoke, and smiled.
“I told her it was up to her, and before the conversation really started she told me she wanted to live here.”
Kimmy looked at him as he said the words. She wasn’t surprised by this at all. She knew how much Carlee loved him, and he adored her.
“And?”
He looked up from his coffee mug and smiled; “And, I couldn’t be happier.”
Kimmy knew how much he loved Carlee. She knew it started as a connection to Beth, but it grew into way more than that. He rescued her when her dad wasn’t there for her, but she had done the same for him. He was a different soul too, since she came into his life. They saved each other.
They talked a while, and then Andy excused himself to go look in on Carlee. She’d been gone a while, and he wanted to make sure she was OK. She was on her bed, facing away from the door, he thought she was asleep, but she heard him and turned. She was crying. He went and sat on the side of the bed. She sat up and he held her close.
“Something between us was just never right,” she said between the tears. “For as long as I can remember, I think he was angry at me.” She wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt. “I didn’t ever tell him I was sorry…” she mumbled.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Carlee,” Andy told her as he pulled her closer. “Your dad knew you loved him, and he loved you, you know that. Sometimes people just go off on different courses. They get lost, and sometimes they get so lost that it’s hard to find their way back. You have nothing to be sorry for,” he said again, as he placed a loving kiss on the top of her head. As he did, he remembered a time when he’d been lost, and thanked God he found his way back.
“I know you two had your moments, but I know there were good times along with your trials. I don’t think he ever meant to push you away, or hurt you, Carlee. I think he just never got past being hurt by your mama’s illness,” he told her. “And me,” he added.
Jenna arrived, and she and Kimmy came into the room. Kimmy sat on the other side of Carlee as Jenna crawled on the bed behind Carlee and wrapped her arms around her neck. Carlee leaned to Kimmy and hugged her.
“What do we need to do?” Carlee asked, finally.
“It’s all done, basically,” Kimmy told her and handed her an envelope. “Your dad left this with me a while ago,” she told her.
Carlee opened the envelope. It was John’s Will, dated January 13, 2010. She read that he wished to be cremated. It named her as his sole heir. There was also an envelope with her name on it in his handwriting.
“I can’t read this just now,” she said and put it aside.
After a while they all went to the kitchen and sat at the table. Carlee looked around, three of the people she loved most in the world were sitting there with her, and she felt the tears trickle down her cheeks.
“We’ll have a memorial, right?” Carlee asked.
“We will do whatever you want,” Andy told her.
Together they planned. Kimmy was on the phone with the funeral home once Carlee knew what she wanted. They planned it for Saturday morning.
Later that evening, Nanny and Pops came. Nanny had been cooking since Kimmy called to tell her about John, and brought dinner for them. Kimmy’s husband, Lane, came too. They ate and talked, and remembered John Oliver.
“Do you want to go see him,” Andy asked after everyone was gone, when it was just the two of them.
“No, I don’t want to think of him that way.”
Later, Carlee said good night and went to her room. She still had not opened the envelope from her dad, and she needed a few minutes alone.
My Dear Sweet Carlee,
I hope and pray that it is many years after I write this that you are reading it. I want you to know how very much I love you. Before you were born I loved you, and through every experience in your life, through every up and down we shared, I loved you more. I am so proud of the person you’ve become.
You’ve had many good examples to follow, your mama, Kimmy, Jenna as she got older, Nanny and Pops, and Grammie and Gramps before they passed away. And yes, Andy… as hard as that is for me to say. He loves you, Carlee. I know that. You’re surrounded by love.
I’m sorry if I hurt you. I never meant to. I have to confess, I know I haven’t done things right. I’ve struggled. I tried to give you what you needed. I tried hard to open my heart, but after everything with your mama, there was this big hole, and a wall that I couldn’t break through myself. It was a security tool.
I saw a poem once that said something like; ‘I wish you enough happiness that your spirit stays alive, and enough pain so that the smallest joys in life are greater.’ I hope I gave you ‘enough.’ If I didn’t, I’m sorry.
It was hard to share you, but I made a promise to your mama to keep Andy in your life, and I worked hard to keep it. It wasn’t easy. I was jealous, I tried not to feel that way, but I was hurt. I was angry, and it was a hard promise to keep, but I did, because that’s what your mama asked for.
I loved her, Carlee. She loved me too, for a time. But her love for Andy overpowered everything when she got sick. It hurt letting her go, but I guess ‘if you love something, you set it free…’ I could have fought, but why? It would have been futile. It would only have hurt you. I loved you too much to fight and put you through that. We all knew what was ahead. I couldn’t see spending the end of her days in a battle. So I let go, but it hurt, and I carried that hurt around like a shield. Maybe the hurt I felt spilled over to you. I’m sorry if it did.
I made sure that if anything happened to me you would be taken care of. I know Kimmy, Nanny and Pops will make sure you have all that you need. And Andy, I know that Andy will, as well, because he loves you.
Carlee, I love you more than you can ever really know, and if I didn’t do it right, just know that it wasn’t because I didn’t love you. You are my life, and if you are reading this… I couldn’t have
loved you more.
Dad
~ ~ ~
Andy became her legal guardian and Carlee moved in with him full-time, no more one weekend a month, and no more shuffling between everyone else. She knew that if Andy traveled and she didn’t go, she would stay with Kimmy or Nanny and Pops. She already had her own room, but now, she finally felt settled, like she belonged somewhere. Not long after he passed away, the house she had shared with her dad was sold and the money added to her trust fund. She and Andy brought pieces of her life together with his. They brought memories, and the ‘stuff’ that made Carlee happy. Andy put things in storage that he thought she would want later. They made it their home, not ‘Papa’s house.’
There was also money from the song royalties in Beth’s estate put aside for her care and needs. Andy and Kimmy had access to it if it was needed, but Andy took on the responsibility for her care and needs.
The two of them were sharing dinner one evening. He didn’t cook often, but that night he made cheese-burgers on the grill. Carlee loved their time together. She was telling him about school that day. He was quiet, and she noticed that it seemed he was somewhere else in his thoughts. That never happened, he listened, but that evening he didn’t return the conversation like he usually did. Finally, he put his fork down, and pushed his plate aside.
Carlee looked up, curiously. “Papa is everything alright?” she asked.
“Yes.” He was quiet for a moment more. “I need to ask you something really important,” he said to her.
“What?”
“It’s OK if you don’t want to, and you don’t have to answer right now; you can think about it, but I’d like you to consider it.”
“OK…?” she replied cautiously, pushing her own plate aside.
“I don’t have children of my own,” he said.
“You have me,” she interrupted him, and smiled.
“That I do,” he said, smiling at her as he said it. “That’s kind of what I want to ask you. Carlee, you are so precious to me. I don’t ever want to take anything away from your dad or his memory, but I want you to know how much I love you.”
“I do know,” she said, and felt a lump trying to clog her throat; a lump so big it took her breath away.
“I’ve already talked to Nanny and Pops,” he paused, “I’d like to adopt you, so we’d be an official family. You wouldn’t have to change your name, but I would like you to be my daughter, legally, that way I’ll never have to worry about your future,” he added, and smiled.
She thought a moment. This was big. She was suddenly very emotional and didn’t want to start crying because she knew if she did it would be a gusher. She pondered her response carefully. Finally, she asked, “Can we have a cake?”
It seemed to change the seriousness of the situation. “What?” Andy laughed, loving her approach on life. She was smart, but she was a quirky, funny, free spirit, and he loved it.
“It will be like a birthday, right? We should have a cake.”
On Monday, December 2, 2013, the day after Carlee’s sixteenth birthday, there was a ceremony at the courthouse. Carlee and Andy planned it together. Gathered in the courtroom were all the people they loved. Kimmy, Lane, Jenna and her boyfriend Maxx, Nanny and Pops and all Beth’s brothers and their families were there. Andy’s good friends Roddy Beamer and his partner Vince, Nathan Perry from Traveler, along with his wife Dina, and Marco were there too, as was Adaleigh, at Carlee’s request. Andy and Carlee stood before the judge, Andy holding her hand tightly in his.
“Carlee Elizabeth Oliver, this gentleman, Mr. Andrew Stevens, informs this court that he asked to adopt you, and you agreed. Is this your decision?” Judge Henry Rhinehold asked her.
“Yes sir,” she replied as Andy squeezed her hand and smiled down at her.
“Before you are three candles, the middle candle holds a flame that represents your birth family; your mama, Beth, and your dad, John. This is a time to honor and remember those you are separated from. This is a time to give thanks for the gift of life that they gave to you. It represents the difficulties you’ve endured without them, the sadness over their loss, as well as the courage you needed to move forward,” the judge said.
“The second candle represents you, Carlee, the child whose life will be joined with the adoptive parent. When I talked with Andy, he told me how much he loves you. He told me that you ‘have enriched and blessed his life beyond words.’ He informed me that you taught him how to love and what it means, how to share, and how to give. He told me that you showed him how to live a life that revolved around someone else, and their needs.”
Carlee wiped her eyes with a tissue as tears rolled down her cheeks. Andy squeezed her hand as Judge Rhinehold continued.
“Will you both now take a match, and from the flame of the first, light the flame on the candle to the left.” They each took one of the long match sticks from the table and lit the candle. As they waited, Andy again took Carlee’s hand in his.
“The last candle represents the parent adopting the child. Andy, it recognizes your commitment to Carlee and her needs. It represents the life you are willing to give to her as her ‘Papa.’ She tells me that you made a home for her; altered your life for her needs. She told me that you support and encourage during difficult times, as well as love and add joy to the good times. And that she loves you, ‘to the moon and back’,” the judge smiled at Carlee’s words. “Will you again take a match and add flame from the first candle to the third.”
When all three candles were lit the judge spoke to the group gathered in the gallery. “Family and friends, Carlee and Andy, we honor you now as a family,” he said. “Carlee,” he nodded to her.
“Yes sir,” she said, and took the tissue she had nervously held in her hand, and dabbed the tears from her eyes. She took Andy’s hand again, and looked up at him. “I decided I would like to change my name to, Carlee Elizabeth Oliver-Stevens.”
He didn’t know of her decision and he hugged her. A tearful round of applause followed.
Later that evening, everyone joined at Giovanna’s for dinner to celebrate the adoption and Carlee’s birthday. There was much chatter around the big table reserved for the occasion. Carlee excused herself to go to the restroom and a moment later Adaleigh entered, as well. Carlee was washing her hands when Adaleigh came to the sink to do the same.
Carlee turned to her and said, “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, you can ask me anything. I have no secrets!” she laughed.
“I think you do,” Carlee said and Adaleigh looked at her.
“What do you mean, sweetheart?” she asked and held her breath.
“I think you and Papa sleep together.”
“Wow, I didn’t see that coming,” Adaleigh said and paused before she said anything else, but she could see that Carlee was waiting for some kind of response. She blew out a big breath and lifted herself to the counter to sit. “OK, here’s the thing, I will never lie to you. We do sleep together, sometimes.”
“For a long time,” Carlee said.
“Yes, neither of us wants a commitment and this just kind of works. We enjoy each other,” she said choosing her words carefully. “We don’t want to be a couple, our lives are too busy, filled with other things and commitments, so ‘sometimes’ is what works. Do you understand that?”
“I do. I’m sixteen, I know stuff,” Carlee laughed.
“Are we good?”
“Do you mean am I OK with you and Papa having sex?”
Adaleigh grinned at her bluntness. “Yes, that’s what I mean.”
“Just don’t hurt him. He waited a long time to share any of his time with a woman.”
Adaleigh smiled and thought about the comments made over the years; Carlee was wise beyond her years. “I won’t,” she replied.
When they returned to the table, they were about to have cake and Andy caught Adaleigh’s eye in question. She winked and mouthed the word, ‘later.’
Driving home at the en
d of the evening, Carlee turned to Andy said, “I had a talk with Adaleigh.”
“You did,” he smiled. “About what?”
“You and her sleeping together,” she replied, and Andy almost choked on his own spit.
“You what?” he asked.
“I’m not stupid, Papa. I figured it out a long time ago, so I asked her.”
“Well, why didn’t you ask me first?” he replied.
“Because I wanted to hear it from her first,” she turned to get a better look at him. His jaw was set and she saw that he was uncomfortable. “Don’t be all mad and stuff. I was gonna ask you too.”
“I’m never mad at you, Carlee; this is just a surprise to me.”
“So, are you sleeping with her?”
“What did she tell you?” he asked cautiously.
“Oh, no, we aren’t playing it that way,” she said and Andy laughed.
“Well,” he stammered, “we have. We don’t get together real often, but we do sometimes.”
“That’s what Adaleigh told me.”
“Ya know, in the beginning, she wasn’t someone I really even wanted friendship with, but the more she was around, she mellowed out and she was more pleasant…. Working with her we became friends.”
“And you were lonely?”
“Kinda, but not really. Lonely means that you’re alone, and I never feel alone. And sometimes lonely means you’re sad, but I’m not sad anymore. I miss your mama,” he said and looked at her, “but my life is full enough that I’m never lonely.”
“But you need sex… so you became friends with benefits?”
“Wow, Carlee, I’m having a hard time with this,” he said, noticeably uncomfortable.
“Because you think I’m still a little girl,” she laughed. “If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s OK, I get it.”
“No, I think it’s important for us to talk about, I just thought I’d have more time to prepare,” he laughed nervously. “OK, here goes. I missed sex, and Adaleigh and I enjoy each other with no strings, no commitments, and it works.”
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