by Joan Jonker
Paul chuckled. ‘Somehow I can’t see me dad getting a kick out of buying a second-hand chair, it wouldn’t be up his street.’
‘That’s his tough luck then, isn’t it? If he looked on the bright side, laughed at the little things instead of moaning, he’d be a much happier man.’
‘Nellie, if I was any happier, they’d be carting me off to a loony bin for having a permanent smile on me clock.’ George had a very dry sense of humour, and unlike his wife could tell a joke without laughing. ‘Mind you, yer could come and visit me once a month and bring yer chair with yer. I believe the chairs in those places are as hard as hell.’
Lily laid her knife and fork down and pushed her plate away. ‘That was nice, that, Mam. Although how yer had the time to cook a dinner with yer social life being so busy is beyond me.’
‘I can move meself when I want to, girl, I’m not just a pretty face.’ Nellie reached for the empty plate. ‘Is Archie coming tonight?’
‘Yeah, we’re going round to the Jacksons’ with Tommy to have a game of cards. I’m getting quite a dab hand at it now, I won tuppence last week.’
‘Good for you!’ Nellie looked at her son. ‘What about you, Paul, are yer seeing Phoebe tonight?’
‘I sure am, Ma! We’ll be shining our shoes and going jazzing.’ Paul was a handsome lad, just on six foot with jet black hair and deep brown laughing eyes. His dimples weren’t as deep as his brother Steve’s, but they were very attractive. Many a girl had lost her heart to this young man who had a zest for living. He’d been the love ’em and leave ’em type until he noticed the girl next door but one had grown into a very attractive young woman and she’d taken his fancy. Whether she’d stolen his heart was something his family weren’t quite sure of as yet. ‘We’ll be tripping the light fantastic at Blair Hall tonight.’
‘Is Phoebe as keen on this dancing lark as you are?’ Nellie asked. She was afraid of her son hurting Corker’s daughter. ‘Or is it you who likes having yer own way all the flaming time?’
Lily was about to push her chair back when she heard the question being asked. She remained seated, waiting for his answer, and George’s face showed that he too would be interested in his son’s reply. Both of them were very fond of Phoebe who was gentle and very softly spoken, the exact opposite to Paul.
‘I don’t get all me own way with her, Mam! Oh, I know she’s quiet and looks as though butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, but believe you me she can stick up for herself.’ His deep brown eyes twinkled and his white teeth gleamed. ‘She’s got a temper, too, and wouldn’t think twice about clocking me one if I looked sideways at her.’
‘Yer still haven’t answered me question, soft lad. Which, in case yer’ve forgotten was, is Phoebe as crazy about dancing as you are?’
‘Yeah, she is!’ Then Paul pulled a face before having the grace to admit, ‘Well, perhaps not quite as crazy as me. She’d just as soon go to the pictures and watch Cary Grant kissing Katharine Hepburn.’
‘Then yer should take her to the pictures more often,’ Lily said. ‘Yer can’t expect to have everything yer own way all the time. Phoebe’s a nice girl and yer don’t know when ye’re well off.’
‘Ay, I’m not a bad catch meself! She could do a lot worse than me.’
George moved from the table to his fireside chair, picking up his cigarette packet from the mantelpiece before sitting down. ‘Are the pair of yer courting serious, like?’
‘Well, we’re not talking marriage, if that’s what yer mean. Phoebe’s only eighteen, I’m only twenty, and that’s far too young to think of settling down. But we are going out together, there’s nobody else on the horizon for either of us.’
‘Until the day I see yer with me own eyes, standing at the altar putting a ring on a girl’s finger, then I’ll take anything yer say with a pinch of salt.’ Nellie reached out. ‘Pass me the plates, girl, and I’ll get them done before you two take over the kitchen to get washed and titivate yerselves up.’ Stacking the plates on top of each other, she chuckled. ‘Now if yer had a chair like mine I could understand yer dolling yerself up to the nines because yer’d have something to swank about.’
‘This must be some chair, I can’t wait to see it,’ Paul said, winking at the mother he adored. ‘And before we let the subject drop, I’d just like to set the record straight. Phoebe has been my girlfriend for over two months now, so I suppose yer could say we’re courting, but marriage hasn’t been mentioned and isn’t on the cards. Ask me again in a year’s time and the answer might be different.’
‘I’ll give yer a hand with the washing-up, Mam, then we’ll be finished in no time.’ Lily raised her eyebrows at Paul as she followed her mother to the kitchen. ‘Yer better watch yerself, kid, or Phoebe might not be around in a year’s time.’
He looked at his father and held up his hands. ‘What did I say to bring all this on, Dad? I never said a dickie-bird, then suddenly I’m the worst in the world and everyone is ganging up on me!’
‘Don’t bring me into it, son, I’m just watching from the sidelines.’ George lit his cigarette and watched the smoke swirling upwards. ‘But I think what yer mam is trying to say is that it’s time yer grew up.’
Never one to take offence, Paul chuckled. ‘I can just see me mam’s face if I came in one night and told her I was getting married! She’d lay a duck egg and tell me I was far too young to think of settling down.’
Nellie’s head appeared around the door. ‘I can do a lot of things, son, but laying a ruddy duck egg isn’t one of them. And while ye’re too young to be thinking of marriage yet, I hope yer don’t leave it too long or me fine three-guinea hat what I had for Steve’s wedding will be either motheaten or green mouldy.’
George sat forward in his chair. ‘Three-guinea hat! Yer never told me yer paid that much for it! Yer said yer got it from TJ’s for thirty bob!’
Nellie’s face was a picture. ‘I didn’t, did I, love?’ She put a finger on her chin and pretended to look thoughtful. ‘Oh, yeah, it’s coming back to me now. I remember thinking that if I told yer the truth, yer’d do yer nut.’
‘Ye’re right, I would have done. In fact I’m doing it now! What on earth possessed yer to fork out so much for a ruddy titfer?’
‘Didn’t yer like me hat then, love?’
‘Of course I liked yer hat, I told yer so! But if I’d known it cost more than a week’s wages I would have liked it a lot less. In fact, I’d have made yer take it back.’
The thought of his mam taking the hat back brought a loud chuckle from Paul. ‘Oh, yeah, I can see me mam doing it, too!’
Looking all angelic, Nellie tried to reason with her husband. ‘Well, it’s like this, yer see, love. If yer find something yer like and it’s expensive, then yer’ve got to pay the price. It’s like that chair I was telling yer about. If yer want something, yer’ve got to fork out.’
‘But the chair didn’t cost yer anything, Molly paid for it!’
‘Don’t be changing the subject and bringing Molly into it, George, ’cos yer only get me all confused.’ Nellie rubbed her forehead. ‘Where was I when yer put me off track?’
‘Yer were supposed to be washing the dishes with me,’ Lily called, smiling at the plate she was putting on the draining board. She didn’t know why her father bothered because he’d never get the better of his wife. Mind you, he was more aware of that than anyone. But he wouldn’t ever want to get the better of her. ‘I’ll finish drying them, then I’ll get washed. It won’t take me long, Paul, so keep yer hair on.’
Nellie went to stand in front of her husband’s chair and her chubby face creased into a beaming smile. ‘Yer did me a favour there, love, got me out of washing the dishes. Yer see, yer do have yer uses.’
George smiled back at her. If Paul hadn’t been sitting there watching, Nellie would have been pulled forward and kissed soundly. ‘Oh, I have me uses all right. Such as slaving away for five and a half days a week so me wife can throw me wages away on expensive titfers.’
‘I’ll get me money’s worth out of that hat, love, don’t worry. I can wear it for Tommy’s wedding, it’ll still be like new.’ Nellie raised her voice. ‘And I can put it away for when our Lily gets married.’
‘I heard that, Mam!’ Lily held the flannel from her face and popped her head around the door. ‘Yer’ve had a go at our Paul so it’s my turn now, is it? Well, I wouldn’t hold me breath if I were you ’cos yer’ll have a flipping long wait. And don’t yer ever come out with anything like that in front of Archie ’cos I wouldn’t know where to put me face.’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t say it in front of yer face, love, I’d wait until yer were upstairs. I’m not that thick I’d want to embarrass me own daughter.’
‘Mam!’ Lily looked horror-stricken. ‘I’ve only been going out with the lad for a few months, I’d die of humiliation if yer even breathed the word marriage.’
‘Well, yer can’t afford to hang around, girl, ’cos ye’re twenty-one and me and yer dad don’t want to see yer left on the shelf.’
‘All right, Nellie, that’s enough,’ George said. ‘A joke’s a joke as long as it doesn’t go too far. That’s when it stops being funny.’
The frown left Lily’s face and she grinned. ‘It’s all right, Dad, I’m used to me mam now and I don’t take no notice of her.’
Nellie shook her head and clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. ‘I don’t know, love, it looks as though we’ll never have the house to ourselves.’
‘Mam, yer wouldn’t know what to do with yerself if we all left home,’ Paul said. ‘Ye’re fretting over our Steve leaving, and he’s only living up the street! So what would yer be like if me and Lily decided to up sticks as well? Yer’d be broken-hearted.’
‘I know that, big head, and yer dad knows that. But I’m not ruddy well going to tell you that ’cos ye’re cocky enough as it is.’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t say I was cocky, Mam! Sure of meself, perhaps, but not cocky.’
Lily jerked her head as she came through from the kitchen. ‘The sink’s all yours now, Paul, I’m going upstairs to get changed. Archie will be here in fifteen minutes.’ She winked at her father. ‘Keep a rein on yer wife’s tongue, will yer, Dad, ’cos it runs away with her sometimes. I’d hate to look through the window and see Archie hot-footing it down the street with me mam chasing him with a shotgun.’
Lily was combing her hair in front of the mirror over the mantelpiece when the knock came. ‘I’ll answer it, save you getting up.’
‘If it’s Archie, which it’s bound to be,’ Nellie said, a crafty look in her eye, ‘tell him there’s only one bullet in me shotgun so he’s safe if I miss him first time.’
‘Mam, will yer behave yerself?’ Lily narrowed her eyes and glared, and her mother glared back. Then they burst out laughing and Lily was looking very happy when she opened the door because she intended to catch her mother out by playing her at her own game. ‘Hello, Archie, how are yer?’ She was barring his way and he could tell by the look on her face that something was in the wind. ‘Before yer come in I’d better warn yer that me mam is sitting with a shotgun on her knees. But don’t worry too much ’cos there’s only one bullet in it and she’s a lousy shot.’
Archie’s face broke into a smile. He was a handsome lad who would stand out in a crowd. Tall and raven haired, his nose was on the large size but the rest of him was so pleasing to the eye you didn’t notice. ‘What’s she up to now?’
‘You’ll find out, come on in.’
‘Hello, Archie, lad.’ George lowered his evening paper. ‘How’s the world treating yer?’
‘Can’t complain, Mr McDonough, life’s pretty good at the moment.’ Archie glanced at Nellie. ‘Ah, have yer put yer shotgun away?’
‘Yeah, no one wants to play with me. They’re a right shower of miserable buggers. Don’t like to see anyone having fun and enjoying themselves.’
‘Ah, I’ll play with yer, Mrs Mac! You get the gun out and I’ll draw a target on the yard door. A tanner to the first one to get a bull’s-eye.’
‘How soft you are, lad,’ Nellie huffed. ‘Yer’ve been in the army for two years, carrying a gun with yer everywhere and shooting everything in sight! And here’s little me, can’t even hold the ruddy thing it’s that big and heavy.’
Archie was well into his stride now. ‘I’ll teach yer! It’s easy when yer know how. With your sharp eyes yer couldn’t go wrong.’
‘Excuse me for interrupting, lad,’ George said, ‘but it’s not Nellie’s eyes what are sharp, it’s her flipping tongue.’
‘I still say she could learn. Three tries and she’d have mastered it.’
‘I’ve only got one bullet, soft lad, so that puts paid to your little game.’
‘That’s a shame, I was really looking forward to teaching yer. Where is the gun, anyway?’
Nellie got up, pretending she didn’t hear. ‘That cloth on the sideboard is always skewiff, it gets on me nerves. About fifteen times a day I have to straighten it. The contrary so-and-so’s got a mind of its own.’
‘Archie asked yer a question, Nellie,’ George said. ‘It’s manners to answer when ye’re spoken to.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry, lad, I didn’t hear yer.’ She looked all contrite. ‘What did yer say?’
‘I asked where the gun is?’
‘What gun?’
‘The gun yer’ve been talking about.’
‘Ah, no, lad, yer’ve got it wrong. I haven’t been talking about no gun, it was you what mentioned it. Never mind if yer’ve forgotten, though, ’cos we all forget things sometimes. I wasn’t so bad until I got married, then it took me all me time to remember me own name. Yer’ll find the same thing will happen to you when yer get wed.’
Lily managed to keep her gasp silent. Well, the crafty so-and-so had really turned the tables on her. The best thing to do now was beat a hasty retreat before her mother said something that would really embarrass her. ‘Come on, Archie, Tommy will be waiting for us.’
After saying goodbye, Archie followed Lily to the door. There he hesitated for a second before turning back. ‘Where d’yer keep the gun, Mrs Mac?’
‘In me ruddy head with all me other fantasies, lad.’ Nellie grinned into the face of the boy she hoped would one day be her son-in-law. What a happy woman she’d be if that day ever came. ‘Yer might as well be dead if yer have no dreams or fantasies. They’re what keep me going.’
‘You hang on to yer dreams, Mrs Mac, don’t let anyone take them away from yer.’ He chucked her under the chin. ‘I’ll see yer later.’
‘Sure, that was a long game, right enough,’ Bridie said. ‘It’s nearly our bedtime, sweetheart.’ She put her hand over her husband’s who was sitting next to her. ‘One more hand and we’ll call it quits before the bedtime fairy sends us to sleep.’
‘If it’s tired yer are, Auntie Bridget, then we’ll not play any more.’ Rosie cast an anxious eye over the elderly couple. ‘I’ll make a drink and then we can just sit quietly and talk. I’m sure me beloved intended can think of something to amuse us, can yer not, Tommy?’
‘Nothing very exciting happens, love, except I go to work and come home.’ Then he remembered the chair. ‘Oh, yes, something did happen today which you’ll find very funny, Nan, and you, Granda. And of course it’s all to do with Auntie Nellie.’
Lily clapped her hands, her pretty face coming alive. ‘I know what it is, Tommy, and ye’re right, it’s hilarious. Go on, I’m going to enjoy this.’
‘Did you get the whole story, word for word?’
‘Yeah, and the actions,’ Lily said. ‘Why?’
‘Well, I’ll make a fool of meself if you will. You be your mam, and I’ll be mine.’
‘Oh, I don’t know about that. Laughing at me mam is one thing, impersonating her is another.’
Archie started the clapping, followed by Bob and Bridie and Rosie. And he had them chanting, ‘We want Lily, we want Lily!’
‘Come in the kitchen and we’ll rehearse,’
Tommy suggested. ‘And don’t forget, it’ll be easier for you than for me. After all, I’m a man taking a woman off.’
‘Well, fancy that now,’ Bridie said, her eyes bright with laughter. ‘Sure, we wouldn’t have known if yer hadn’t told us, and that’s a fact.’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ Archie said, tongue in cheek. ‘He’s taller than Mrs Bennett but there is a resemblance – I think it’s the nose and the chin.’
‘If ye’re going to make fun of us we won’t do it.’ Lily’s nod was emphatic. ‘So it’s up to you, suit yerselves.’
‘We’ll not be making fun of yer, Lily, and it’s meself that’ll make sure of it.’ Rosie’s face was straight but there was a twinkle in her beautiful blue Irish eyes. ‘We’ll laugh with yer, so we will, but we’ll not be making fun of yer.’
Tommy and Lily retired to the kitchen, and although the listeners couldn’t hear what was being said they could hear the laughter and knew they were in for a treat. And they weren’t disappointed. Lily had made use of Bridie’s wraparound pinny which she’d noticed hanging on the hook on the kitchen door, and Tommy had used a tea towel to wrap around his head turban style. They really excelled themselves, encouraged by loud hoots of laughter. Bob and Bridie were clinging to each other, using Bob’s handkerchief to wipe away the tears that were running down their faces, and Rosie was bouncing up and down on her chair, her dark curls swirling and her rich, infectious laughter ringing out. As for Archie, he was in stitches. But there was more than laughter in his eyes as he watched Lily, and if Nellie had been there she would have been heartened by the look that held more than mere affection for her daughter. He was crazy about Lily but had managed to keep his feelings to himself for the last few months because he was afraid of scaring her off. She’d been badly hurt by Len Lofthouse and he wasn’t sure she was ready to trust another man.
‘Anything you say, girl!’ Lily had her mother’s expression off to perfection as she brought the performance to an end. ‘D’yer know, I’ve got a feeling that chair and my backside are going to get on very well.’