by Joan Jonker
‘How about us all going into Auntie Molly’s and doing it all over again?’ Paul suggested. ‘Me and Phoebe could do with a good laugh.’
‘Yer know what yer can do with yerself, son, yer can sod off.’ Nellie’s nod was emphatic. ‘If yer prefer to go jazzing instead of having some real fun, then that’s yer own blinking fault.’ She gave a loud hiccup, put a hand over her mouth and said in her poshest voice, ‘Oh, pardon me, I’m sure. I don’t know where that came from.’
‘I don’t know where it came from, sunshine, but I know where it’s going – and that’s in your house. It’s time to call it a day ’cos we don’t want to give the neighbours anything to complain about,’ Molly said, her arm linked in Jack’s. ‘Besides, I’m bushed and ready for me bed.’
‘Me too!’ Maisie said. ‘It’s all right for you lot, yer can have a lie-in tomorrow. Me and Alec have to open the shop at eight o’clock. So while ye’re lying there all snug and comfy, spare a thought for the poor beggars who have to work for a living.’
Corker slapped Alec on the back, catching him unawares and nearly sending him flying. A tap from the big man was like a blow from anyone else. ‘I promise yer that as soon as I open me eyes, I’ll start thinking about you two slaving away. I might even come up to sympathise with yer, say around one o’clock when the streets are aired off.’
Ellen gave him a dig. ‘Let’s make a move. Molly must be worn out. Her and Jack have done nothing but run around after us all night.’
‘Ay, I did me whack,’ Nellie said with indignation. ‘Deputy hostess, that’s what I was.’
Knowing his wife would be happy to stand there all night if she was let, George pulled on her arm. ‘Come on, love, the party’s over.’
Molly and Jack waved them off and closed the front door. ‘Ooh, me feet are killing me,’ Molly said, kicking her shoes off. ‘I’ll do without our usual cup of tea and go straight up.’
‘Me too!’ Jack pulled her close and hugged her. ‘It was worth it though, love, ’cos it was a cracking night. The things you and Nellie get up to are unbelievable, and I bet yer don’t tell me and George the half of it.’
She pecked his cheek. ‘What yer don’t know won’t hurt yer, sunshine. And Nellie’s the one who starts everything off. If yer knew some of the things she gets up to, you and George would have heart attacks. But I’ll tell yer something, this street would be less friendly without her, and my life very dull.’ She reached for his hand and pulled him towards the stairs. ‘Come on, let’s cuddle up nice and close and go to sleep.’
‘That will be a very hard job,’ Jack chuckled as he followed her up the stairs. ‘If it’s sleep yer want, I’d be better off sleeping with me back to yer on the very end of the bed.’
‘Yer know what your trouble is, Jack Bennett? Yer’ve got no willpower.’
‘That’s only when I’m lying next to yer in bed, love. I’ve got loads of willpower when you’re not around.’
Paul watched Corker insert the key in the lock and his heart sank. It looked as though he wasn’t going to get his kiss tonight, ’cos Phoebe was bound to think she should go in with her mam and dad. But Corker hadn’t forgotten what it was like to be young. ‘Why don’t yer come in for a cuppa, son? I’m sure my wife is going to make one.’
Ellen laughed. ‘He’s a proper tea-tank, my husband. He’s had enough beer tonight to sink a ship but he still won’t go to bed without his cup of char.’
Next door but one, George was opening their front door when he heard his wife behind him shout, ‘Are we all invited for a cuppa, Ellen?’
‘Nellie, are yer mad? Everyone is tired and can’t get to bed quick enough. Surely yer’ve had enough entertainment for one night.’
‘Well, why is Corker inviting our Paul in if he’s as tired as yer say?’
‘Because our son is going out with Phoebe, that’s why. And if that doesn’t sink in, get in the house and I’ll draw yer a picture.’ George stood back and waved her in. ‘Go on, woman, get yerself inside.’
‘Ooh, I do like me men to be masterful,’ Nellie said. ‘The strong silent type, like Gregory Peck or Randolph Scott. I could easy put a paper bag over yer head, George, and pretend it was Gregory or Randolph lying next to me.’
Much to the amusement of the Corkhills, George lifted his wife from the pavement and placed her in the hall. ‘If it’s the strong silent type yer want, I’m just the feller.’ The only sound after that was the banging of the McDonoughs’ door.
‘She’s quite a woman is your mam, son, one in a million.’ Corker waved Paul to a seat on the couch. ‘I’ve had more laughs out of her and Molly than I have out of Laurel and Hardy or Charlie Chase. Twenty odd years I’ve known them and their antics can still reduce me to tears.’
‘Keep yer voice down, love,’ Ellen said. ‘Don’t forget the children are asleep upstairs.’
‘I think they’re in the best place, I’m feeling tired meself now.’ Corker could see his daughter hovering by the sideboard looking embarrassed and ill at ease. This was the first time Paul had been invited into the house as her boyfriend at such a late hour and he decided it would be best if he and Ellen made themselves scarce. ‘I’ll skip the tea tonight, love if yer don’t mind.’
‘I wasn’t going to have one anyway,’ Ellen told him. ‘Three bottles of milk stout and two glasses of sherry are enough liquid for one night.’
‘Yer won’t think us rude if we leave yer, son, will yer?’ Corker asked, trying to keep a straight face. ‘Phoebe will make yer a drink.’
‘That’s fine, Uncle Corker. I won’t keep her up too late, I promise. Just a cup of tea and I’ll toddle off home.’
The big man curled the ends of his moustache and asked, ‘What, no goodnight kiss?’
‘That depends upon Phoebe.’ Paul’s eyes twinkled. ‘We nearly had our first falling out tonight. All because a girl excused me in a quickstep, and a feller called Bill excused Phoebe in a waltz.’
‘To me that sounds like a very good reason to fall out.’ Corker stroked his bushy beard while his laughing eyes twinkled beneath his thick eyebrows. ‘Hmm! What did yer say the feller’s name was . . . Bill?’
‘So Phoebe told me, I don’t know the bloke from Adam.’ Paul knew Corker was in a teasing mood and went along with it. ‘I’ll know him next time, though, and I’ll tell him to get lost.’
‘You will not!’ Phoebe said. ‘Yer’ll not make a show of me in front of everyone. If yer do, yer’ll be dancing on yer own the rest of the night.’ As soon as the words left her mouth she realised how stupid they were. For Paul would never be short of partners. Still, she’d said it now and wasn’t going to take the words back. ‘So don’t try it.’
‘Did yer know yer daughter had a temper, Auntie Ellen?’ Paul asked. ‘She’s got a real little paddy when she starts. She tore a strip of me in front of everyone and I thought I was back at school getting told off by the headmaster. I didn’t half feel soft.’
Phoebe’s mouth gaped. ‘You fibber! Take no notice of him, Mam, he’s acting daft.’
‘We know he is, love, he’s like his mam. Anyway, I’d be glad if yer did have a temper. I only wish I’d had one at your age.’ Ellen jerked her head, ‘Come on, Corker, I’m dead beat and bed is calling.’
When they heard the bedroom door close, Phoebe tutted and wagged her finger. ‘You’ll get me hung one of these days, Paul McDonough. Fancy saying that in front of me mam and dad.’
‘It was said in fun, Phoebe, can’t yer take a joke?’
She surprised him when she put a hand over her mouth to smother the sound of her laughter. ‘I know that, soft lad. Now, d’yer want a cup of tea or not?’
‘No, I want yer to sit down next to me.’ He patted the empty space on the couch. ‘D’yer realise this is the first time we’ve ever been in a room on our own? I’d rather not waste it by drinking tea.’
‘Oh, and what would yer rather be doing?’
‘Getting down to some serious kissing. All I’ve had so
far from yer are a few pecks. I want to show yer what a real kiss is like.’
‘Yer’ve had plenty of experience, then?’
Paul chuckled. ‘No, I’m going to practise on you. I went to Connie Millington’s to learn how to dance properly, but she wouldn’t give me lessons in how to kiss.’
Phoebe twisted around to face him. ‘Well, all yer do is pucker yer lips, like this.’ She had her eyes closed when his lips touched hers, soft and tender. Her heart flipped and her tummy did somersaults. If she hadn’t been sitting down she would have swooned.
‘Was that nice?’ Paul asked, his heartbeat racing. ‘Will I pass the test?’
‘It’s hard to tell after one. Yer’d better give me another.’ Phoebe puckered up again and waited for the thrill to run down her spine. She wasn’t disappointed.
It was a Monday morning and Molly and Nellie were on their way to the shops when they saw their new neighbour walking towards them with a heavily laden basket. ‘Hello, girl, ye’re out early, aren’t yer?’
‘I thought I’d get me shopping in before I started on the bleedin’ washing. I hate Monday, I always dread it.’
Nellie straightened her shoulders and pushed out her bosom. She felt really important ’cos her friend hadn’t met their new neighbour yet so it was up to her to make the introductions. ‘This is me mate, Molly, I told yer about her. And this is Beryl, girl, Beryl Mowbray.’
Molly held out her hand. ‘Hello, Beryl, I’m pleased to make yer acquaintance.’
‘Same here, queen, same here.’ Beryl put the basket on the ground while she shook hands. ‘I feel as though me arms are being pulled out of their sockets carrying that bleedin’ thing. It weighs a ruddy ton!’
Molly looked down at the basket. ‘Yer should have got some of these things on Saturday, save lugging this in one go. The likes of potatoes and washing powder, they weigh heavy.’
‘Yeah, I know, queen! But I’m still sorting boxes out, finding places to put things, and I’m all at sixes and sevens. I spent all day Saturday knocking nails in walls to hang me pictures up, and unpacking crockery. My feller is useless, hasn’t got a bleedin’ clue.’
‘Yer should have sent one of yer children to the shops, girl, save trying to do the lot on yer own. The kids are old enough to go to the shops for yer.’
‘Nellie, me kids are worse than their father! Our Joanne is seventeen and she’s one lazy cow. She won’t do a hand’s turn in case she breaks her bleedin’ nails! All she’s fit for is titivating herself up with powder an inch thick and bright red lipstick. She thinks she looks like a film star though she looks more like a tart. I’ve told her until I’m blue in the face but she doesn’t take a blind bit of notice.’ Beryl sighed. ‘As for our Jeff, he started work a few months ago and thinks he’s too grown up to be going on messages. Not long ago he’d have run to the ends of the earth if there was a penny in it. Still, there’s folk worse off than me.’ She bent and picked up the basket. ‘I’d better be on me way, the bleedin’ bedding and clothes won’t wash themselves. It was nice meeting yer, Molly, and I’ll see yer around.’
‘D’yer want us to give yer a hand, sunshine? We could lighten yer load a bit.’
‘No, thanks, queen, I’ll manage. But the mood I’m in now, if either of me kids have any complaints about their dinner tonight, or even look sideways at me, I’ll give them the rounds of the kitchen. And any cheek, I’ll clock them one.’
The friends watched her as she walked away, leaning heavily to one side with the weight of the basket. ‘We don’t know we’re born with our kids, sunshine, not after listening to that. Our Tommy’s twenty, but he’d think nothing of running to the shops for me.’
‘If they were mine I’d give them a bloody good hiding.’ Nellie took her friend’s arm and they turned around towards the main road. ‘I told yer the girl looked a hard clock, didn’t I? Yer can tell by her attitude that she’s brazen.’
‘I’m surprised Beryl lets them get away with it, she looks the type that could hold her own if it came to a fight. Still, sunshine, as long as they don’t interfere with me or mine, they can get on with it.’ Molly suddenly began to laugh. ‘Here’s me saying she looks the type to hold her own when I can’t hold me own with you! I’m back in the gutter, Nellie!’
‘What are yer doing down there, girl?’
‘You pushed me here!’
‘I never did no such thing! Now get back up here before I slap yer hand.’ Nellie’s chubby face beamed. ‘Ay, girl, I’m not half glad you’re me friend. I wouldn’t like one what had kids who gave me cheek.’ She tucked her arm in Molly’s. ‘Anyway, what are we having for dinner tonight?’
‘I don’t know, sunshine. What I do know is, if I give mine stew again they’ll all leave home. I’m fed up with it meself. Fed up looking at it, fed up cooking it and fed up eating it.’
‘What else is there? We haven’t got enough coupons for a joint.’
‘Let’s work our charms on Tony, see what we can get out of him. I wouldn’t mind sausages for a change, or a ham shank.’
‘Yer’ll have to do more than work yer charms for two ham shanks, girl. I think that would take the dance of the seven veils.’
‘I don’t need two ham shanks, sunshine, one will do me. So I’ll work me charms and you can do the dance of the seven veils for your shank.’
If Molly could have seen the glint in her mate’s eyes she would have taken her words back. But she didn’t, and was in for the surprise of her life.
‘Morning, Tony! Morning, Ellen!’ Molly gave her brightest smile. ‘How are yer both on this fine November day?’
The butcher looked suspicious. ‘Oh, aye, what are yer after, Molly?’
‘I’m working me charms on yer to see if I can wangle a ham shank.’
Nellie pulled on her arm. ‘I’m just nipping down to the greengrocer’s, girl, I won’t be long.’
‘Ay, hang on! I’ve got to go there, too!’ But Molly’s words were wasted because her friend had disappeared. ‘I don’t know what’s suddenly got into her, she knows I’ve got to go for some spuds as well!’
‘There’s no accounting for Nellie’s actions, Molly, yer know that. But she’ll be back in a minute, you’ll see. She won’t stay away from you for long.’ With it being Monday morning, Tony’s white coat was spotlessly clean. He tried to keep it that way for as long as he could, but while he was talking to Molly, without thinking, he ran his blood-stained hands down the front of it. ‘Oh, look what I’ve done now! That’s what yer charms have done to me, Mrs Bennett.’
Ellen slipped out to the stockroom and came back with a navy and white striped apron. ‘It’s yer own fault, Tony, I told yer to put an apron on.’
‘Don’t you start, Ellen, ye’re beginning to sound like me wife.’ Tony tied the apron at the back and then grinned. ‘Yer didn’t happen to see a ham shank out there, did yer?’
‘Yes, as a matter of fact I did!’ Ellen gave her neighbour a broad wink. ‘It’s nice and lean, too, with plenty of meat on it.’
‘How many coupons is it, Tony, ’cos . . .’ Molly’s words petered out when an apparition floated into the shop. It had Nellie’s face, but the body was wearing a man’s overcoat over a canvas apron. ‘In the name of God, what have yer been up to now? Where the hell did yer get those things from, and why are yer wearing them? Yer look a sight!’
‘Well, it’s your fault, girl! Yer said I had to do a dance of the seven veils so Tony would give me a ham shank. And I counted up and didn’t have seven things to take off! There was me coat, me dress, me knickers, vest and stockings. That’s only five, girl, so I borrowed these off Billy at the greengrocer’s to make up the seven.’
While Molly looked bewildered, Tony and Ellen were doubled up. What a lovely way to brighten up a dull Monday morning. ‘And ye’re going to do a dance for us, are yer, Nellie?’
She narrowed her eyes. ‘Is me mate getting a ham shank?’
The butcher nodded. ‘She hasn’t got it yet, but yeah, s
he’s getting one.’
‘And if I do this dance, do I get one?’
‘Ah, well, it all depends. The last time I saw a girl doing the dance of the seven veils, it was at the Metropole in Stanley Road. And blow me, didn’t she leave one veil on! The place was in an uproar, everyone wanted their money back, saying they’d been had.’
‘Well, if there’s a ham shank at stake, this girl ain’t going to leave a veil on.’ Nellie moved Molly to stand by the window. ‘I need plenty of room for this, girl. An artist can’t give her best if the conditions are not right.’
‘Nellie, as a bit of encouragement, if I think the performance is up to standard I’ll let yer have the ham shank without coupons.’
‘Tony, ye’re going to see a performance like what yer’ve never seen before.’ Nellie had to tilt her head back so she could look down her nose at Molly. ‘As my best friend, and in appreciation of my talents, I want you to sing for me. I can’t dance without music, yer see. So let’s have something slow and smoochy.’
‘I’m not standing in a butcher’s shop singing, sunshine, not on your life! Besides the fact that I can’t sing, I don’t know any songs!’
‘I know a slow smoochy song,’ Ellen said. ‘“Girl Of My Dreams” would be great. And I know yer know the words, Molly, ’cos I’ve heard yer singing it.’
‘Oh, all right, but you and Tony can help me out if I get stuck.’ After clearing her throat and telling herself she must be mad, Molly began to sing softly. But she didn’t get far before her laughter started.
Nellie had begun by slipping the greengrocer’s overcoat off one shoulder and moving her body from side to side, her bosom swaying in time to the singing. Then she did the same with the other shoulder. Next, the coat was allowed to fall to the floor and she stood with her hands on her hips wiggling them from side to side with every ounce of her eighteen-stone body in motion. And the appreciative laughter she could hear egged her on. The canvas overall came off next, to be swung around over her head several times before being aimed at Tony.