Imaginary Grace

by Anne Holster

  There was silence for a few seconds, and then I heard Grace’s voice say, barely above a whisper, “Yes…effing…way.” A giggle escaped her lips.

  I knew that this was probably not a good idea, but that didn’t stop me from climbing into bed next to her. I’d always managed to control myself before, and I would do the same tonight.

  “How the heck did you get in here?”

  “The window,” she said, pointing to the small bedroom window on the far wall.

  “No way…you climbed in my bedroom window! That’s so fucking hot.” I leaned back on the pillow and folded my arms behind my head, smiling to myself at this interesting turn of events. Then I shifted my eyes towards her in the dark and said, “Just how much did you have to drink tonight, anyway? Because this seems a bit, um, I dunno – out of character for you. I’m even thinking ‘out of character’ is putting it mildly.”

  She curled herself up next to me, wrapping her arms around me, and said “Mmm, you could say that, since the idea popped into my head after a second shot of tequila.”

  “Tequila! Uh oh, you must be drunk then,” I said, laughing lightly.

  “Well,” she began, “I admit I was drunk when I left, but the cold took care of that. Hey, by the way, have you ever heard of a game called Blackwell?”

  “Blackwell?” I said as I turned my head sharply toward her. “Don’t tell me you played Blackwell.”

  “No, I didn’t play, but two of the girls we were with did. There was a whole group playing, but I wasn’t able to follow it.”

  “It’s just some crazy dice game,” I told her. “I heard it’s been around for at least twenty years, but you’ve got to be careful playing it because you can get totally shitfaced. I played it once down at the Jersey Shore with a group of people who claimed they had the original Blackwell dice from the early ‘90s and that a relative of theirs invented it, but who knows?”

  “Oh,” she said as she slipped her hand under my shirt and started slowly running her fingers across my stomach. “I’d never heard of it, but it seemed like everyone else knew what it was.”

  “Yeah, remind me to show you some time.” I shut my eyes for a minute, getting lost in the feel of her fingers lightly tickling my stomach. “You cannot imagine how good that feels right now.”

  She didn’t answer. Instead she got up and sat astride me, smiling down at me. As I watched her sitting there, bathed in the moonlight, I knew that things were about to change and there’d be no turning back.

  Slowly her smile faded and she just stared down at me, lips slightly parted, as she reached down and slowly but deliberately slipped her shirt off to reveal the now infamous white cotton bra. She didn’t move as I slowly brought my hands around her waist. Her eyes closed, but only for a few seconds, as I reached around and unhooked her bra, causing it to slide off her shoulders and then slip the rest of the way down her arms.

  Her hair hung all loose around her bare shoulders and down her back. As I stared up at her, I saw in her eyes a burning that I’d never seen before. She reached down and slid her hands up my shirt, running her fingers slowly up my bare chest.

  “Take this off,” she said quietly as she tugged at my shirt. I came up on my elbows and allowed her to reach behind me and pull it off. Then I fell back onto the pillow and brought my hands back to her slim waist. Without thinking and without taking my eyes from hers, I reached my fingers down and undid the top button of her jeans. As I started to slowly inch the zipper down, I noticed her breath catch and her eyes widen ever so slightly, like maybe she was having second thoughts, so I stopped and slid my hand over to her thigh.

  Apparently I was mistaken, though, because she brought her hand around and slowly pulled the zipper the rest of the way herself. As I watched her, my breathing became ragged and I grabbed both her thighs tightly. She brought herself down and slid up my chest, pressing herself snugly against me. She swept her arms around my neck, then ran her tongue up my throat…and that’s when I lost it.

  Feeling her warm little tongue lapping at my neck sent me over the edge. For a minute, I forgot my own name. I flipped her over onto her back and, in one swift motion, tore off her jeans and what I could only assume was the match to the white cotton bra. After flinging her jeans across the room, I climbed on top of her and let my hands roam every inch of her as my lips followed.

  Panting slightly, she reached over, unbuttoned my jeans, and worked the zipper down. Ignoring the red flags in my head, I began to maneuver my way out of them, leaving me in nothing but a pair of boxers and her in…nothing.

  She started kissing me, then I felt her hand slip just inside my boxers. I was letting things go too far - again. “Grace,” I whispered, but she didn’t respond. She just pulled at my boxers until they were about at my knees, at which point I just kicked them off.

  She very hesitantly reached down and wrapped her hand lightly around me. “Grace,” I sputtered again, but still she didn’t say anything. As I tried to say her name again, she brought her hand up to my mouth, covering it. Without meeting my eyes she very quietly said, “Don’t make me beg.”

  All along I’d been trying to do the right thing, but hearing Grace’s soft voice whisper those words—not to mention the fact that I hadn’t been laid in I didn’t even know how long--sealed our fate.

  She gently pulled at my shoulder, guiding me on top of her so that I was resting between her open knees. As I half-heartedly tried to protest one last time, she reached up, putting her hands on either side of my face and whispered, “Tanner, it’s okay…I…I love you.”

  She loves me?!

  I’d heard people describe a moment when time literally stood still, and I’d always thought it was a bunch of bullshit. But that’s what happened when Grace told me she loved me. I froze. Plenty of girls had said it to me, but none had really meant it, at least not the way Grace did. A part of me wanted to run for the nearest exit, but it was small compared to the part of me that could not let this moment pass.

  I reached over, opened my nightstand drawer, and felt around for a condom, but came up empty. That’s when I remembered that I’d tossed the box of condoms to Scott the other night. Shit. I was always careful with the girls I screwed; it was one of the few rules I followed to the letter. For a moment I thought about getting up, going over to his room, and asking for the condoms, but I immediately dismissed it. He would ask a million questions, make a million jokes, and undoubtedly ruin the whole thing. I looked down at Grace, eyes half closed, lips parted, waiting for me, and all I could think about was being inside her.

  I brought myself up on one elbow while my other hand gripped her thigh, then I smoothly pushed inside her.

  I felt her stiffen and saw her bite down hard on her bottom lip so I stopped, but then she seemed to relax a bit so I continued as gently as I could. Her knees gripped my hips tightly and as I rocked into her again, her eyes squeezed shut. Again I slowed, but her fingers kept digging into my back, pulling me closer. It was becoming increasingly difficult to stay in control with each and every movement, but the more she relaxed, the steadier I was able to move.

  She slowly began to loosen the grip her thighs had on me, and that’s when our bodies began to settle into an almost perfect rhythm. “Tanner,” she quietly sighed, and the sound of her soft voice breathing out my name was enough to send me into overdrive as I began to move faster, pressing deeper inside.

  I kept at it until I couldn’t hold back any longer, feeling every muscle in my body tense until, with a groan, I finally collapsed on top of her.

  I didn’t move for a minute, just lay there panting, listening to her frantically beating heart. Neither of us said anything as I rolled over onto my back, but she did turn to her side and curl up next to me, resting her head in the crook of my neck. I closed my eyes as I felt the warmth of her breath on my neck and I thought to myself, Holy shit, that was fucking incredible.


  I glanced over at her, wondering if she felt the same. “Um…are you all right?” I asked for lack of something better. She only nodded, and I didn’t know what else to say. My usual M.O. was to just get up and leave, or tell the girl to basically get up and leave (although not in those exact words), but this time I didn’t want either.

  The rather awkward silence was broken when I heard Grace say, “Um, I’m kind of cold.”

  “Oh, here,” I said, pulling the blue comforter up around us. Then I slid myself over so I was on top of her again, and I leaned down and started kissing her slowly. “You’ll stay tonight, right?”

  She didn’t answer right away, but then she said, “It depends.”

  I jerked my head up and looked at her. “Depends?” Depends on what?”

  She looked up at me as a mischievous half-smile spread across her face. “Well, it depends…can we do it again later?”

  I looked at her for a minute, then burst out laughing. With that one simple sentence, any awkwardness that I thought might have existed between us was gone. “Uh, I think I can pretty much guarantee it,” I said, still laughing.

  “Okay,” she said as she reached her arms up, wrapping them around my neck. “Then I’m definitely staying.”

  I rolled onto my side and pulled her to my chest, but she started to squirm away. “Can I use your bathroom? I can’t go to sleep without brushing my teeth.”

  “Yeah, sure, go ahead. Oh, and just use my toothbrush. I don’t have a spare. It’s the blue one.”

  “Okay, give me something to throw on – a big t-shirt or something,” she said as she sat up, still wrapped in the comforter. I felt around for my shirt, tossed it to her, and then watched as she tried to put it on with the comforter still wrapped around her. I thought it was funny the way she was trying to keep herself covered up while putting my shirt on. I mean really, I’d just seen about everything there was to see, but I didn’t say anything.

  “Okay,” she said as she got up. “I’ll be right back.” She crossed the room and slipped through the door. I lay back on the pillows and held my breath, hoping that she didn’t run into Scott.

  As I lay there, I replayed in my mind everything that happened tonight. It was friggin’ awesome. The only fly in the ointment was that I had stupidly thrown caution to the wind. I couldn’t let that happen again, I thought as I got out of bed and quickly threw on a pair of sweats. I couldn’t very well wake up Scott and ask him for the box of condoms back, but there were a few in my car, so I grabbed a sweatshirt and my sneakers and went out to my car where I dug a few out of the glove compartment before quickly heading back inside.

  Grace was already back in bed when I got back. “Where’d you go?” she asked.

  “Oh, I just had to get something,” I said vaguely as I crawled back into bed, removing my sweatshirt and shirt as I did. Once under the covers, I pulled Grace over, slipping the shirt she was wearing off and then wrapping myself around her. She felt so good pressed up against me, her face resting sideways against my chest. And her hair, it smelled unbelievable.

  As I held her like that, I knew that I never wanted to let her go. It didn’t matter how it had all started, all I cared about was how it had ended up.

  “Grace,” I whispered.

  “What?” she answered just as quietly as she let out a yawn.

  “I…love you too.” I felt her smile against my chest and she hugged me a little tighter as I breathed in the scent of her hair one last time before drifting off into a perfectly content, peaceful sleep.

  Chapter 43

  Grace

  The next morning I stood on the stoop outside my dorm and watched Tanner’s car pull away. I waited until it disappeared from sight, then walked upstairs to my room, hoping that Beth wouldn’t be home. I knew she’d want details about last night, but I wasn’t ready to tell her – or anyone else for that matter. I just wanted it to be my secret for a little while.

  Luckily she wasn’t home so I kicked off my shoes, pulled down the covers and climbed into bed. I’ll admit, I was exhausted. Last night, after the first time Tanner and I had, well, you know, I was lying there wrapped in his arms, pretending to doze off. But once his breathing slowed and I was sure he was asleep, my eyes shot open.

  Sleep? It would have been impossible. Not that I wasn’t tired, but after everything that had happened and everything that was replaying in my mind over and over, there was no way I was falling asleep.

  Even now, as I slipped into my own bed and pulled the covers up to my neck, I couldn’t believe that we had actually done it, or how much I was already looking forward to the next time. I set my alarm for 4:00 so I’d have enough time to finish up some homework and do a little studying before dinner. My parents would flip if my grades started to slip.

  It seemed like only minutes later that the alarm was going off. I reached over, turned it off, and rolled over onto my side. I lay there for a few minutes before getting up and heading for the shower. When I emerged from the bathroom I found Beth hunched over her laptop.

  “It’s about time you got up,” she said, not looking away from the screen, “I stopped home before and you were dead to the world.” While brushing out my hair and enjoying the last few minutes of my secret, I braced myself for her barrage of questions. “Okay,” she said. “I’ll give you five minutes, and then I want every single dirty detail.”

  “What makes you think I have anything to tell?” I stated coyly, still brushing my hair.

  “Five minutes, Grace,” she said, ignoring my question, “You have five minutes, so you better start gathering your thoughts.” The next thing I knew she had snapped her laptop closed and spun around in her seat. “Well, let’s hear it. I’ve been waiting all afternoon for you to get up, so spill it,” she insisted, barely able to contain her excitement.

  I didn’t answer her right away, drawing out the moment, but she knew. I don’t know how, but she did.

  “C’mon, Grace, this is not like all the other times. You have s-e-x written all over your face.”

  “I do?” I said, touching my cheeks. “Well, then, I guess the cat’s out of the bag.”

  “I knew it!” she exclaimed. “Start from the beginning and don’t leave anything out.”

  “Okay,” I sighed, then I told her everything that had happened after I left the party. Beth laughed when I told her about climbing through his bedroom window, then her eyes widened as I moved right on down to the deed itself.

  “So…how was it?” she asked.

  “Well, it was actually pretty great.”

  “Really?! How was he? Good? How long did it last? Did you do it more than once?” she continued, question after question. “How big is he?”

  “Beth, what kind of question is that? I’m not answering that! And besides, I wouldn’t know since I don’t have anyone to compare him to!”

  Beth started to laugh. “I knew you’d get all flustered if I asked that! Wow, Grace, this is huge!”

  I smiled at her, thinking that yeah, it really was.

  “All right, enough sex talk,” Beth said, turning back to her computer, “I have to finish up this homework.”

  “Yeah, me too,” I agreed.

  “Ooh, wait a minute,” she said. “I forgot to tell you. Adam told me there’s going to be a big frat party this weekend. Are you in?”

  “Uh, I guess so. Tanner’s with the band again on Saturday, so yeah, I’m definitely in.”

  Tanner and I had been nonstop texting since Sunday evening. Apparently he had slept all day also. It was Monday morning. I was headed to class, and then we had plans to meet up at the gym in the afternoon. I couldn’t concentrate in class. I kept thinking about, well, everything.

  I got out of class late, and by the time I got to the gym, Tanner was already changed and ready. I threw my stuff in the locker room, changed, and met him at the bikes. It was the
first time we’d seen each other since…and when we saw each other, we just kind of stared, both of us with mischievous grins on our faces. I wondered if people could tell.

  “Ready?” he said, smiling as he put his arms around my waist.

  “Yeah, ready,” I answered, and felt my face splitting into a grin. It seemed I’d been grinning for the past two days straight. We reluctantly stepped apart and then hopped on the bikes. Time flew as Tanner caught me up on gossip about his cousins, then we talked about the band.

  “Actually,” he said as we began to slow down, “this’ll be the last Saturday for a while that the band is playing, so we’ll be able to hang out on the weekends.”

  “Ooh, that sounds great, the whole weekend,” I said, picturing us spending the entire time in bed. Just as we hopped off the bikes, Gary came around the corner with two prospective new members.

  Friendly as could be, he shouted, “Hey, Grace, I see you made it home in one piece Saturday night. Great party!” Then he continued over to the treadmills to explain to the prospects how they worked.

  Uh oh. Tanner slowly turned his head toward me. “Gary was there Saturday night?”

  “Yeah, Beth was with Adam, and I guess Adam told Gary about it,” I told him. I didn’t mention the conversation I’d had with Gary when I was getting my coat. I knew they didn’t like each other so I didn’t put much stock in what Gary said anyway.

  “Oh,” was all he said, but I could tell he was put off by the fact that Gary was there. We continued with our workout without seeing Gary again, and Tanner didn’t bring him or the fact that he was at the party up again.

  When we finished our workout, Tanner had some band stuff he had to do and I had a lot of studying to get done, so after a quick but passionate kiss goodbye, we parted ways, with Tanner heading for his car and me for my building. Suddenly, I heard him call out my name. When I turned around he was walking swiftly back towards me. When he got to within a few yards he tossed me something and called, “Catch!” I reached up and caught the small object. It was a key. I looked at him questioningly.