by Anne Holster
I wasn’t nervous on my way to class on Tuesday, since I was fairly certain that Tanner wouldn’t be there. It was weird. After I walked away from him that day, it was like he had just disappeared off the face of the earth. Sure enough, when I arrived I didn’t see him, and I wondered if he would show up for the final next week. Class dragged as usual, and as soon as it was over, I grabbed my bag and rushed out.
I was walking down the hall when I heard a familiar voice call my name. I turned to see Tanner standing there, and I froze as he began to walk toward me. “Hey, can I talk to you a minute?” he said.
“Uh, yeah, sure,” I said, wondering what he was doing there and angry at myself for caring.
“It’ll only take a minute. Let’s go outside,” he suggested.
I followed him outside to a bench at the far end of the building and we both sat down. He didn’t say anything right away, like he wasn’t sure what he was going to say. “Listen,” he said finally, “I know you made it pretty clear the last time I saw you that you wanted nothing more to do with me and I guess…I guess I understand, though obviously I’m not happy about it. It’s just that I…I really miss you Grace.”
“Tanner,” I began, but he put his hand up to stop me.
“I know, don’t worry. I’m not going to start bugging you to get back or anything. Like I said, you made it clear that it was over, and I get it, but that’s not what this is about.”
“So what’s this about then?”
He sat back for a minute, his eyes flicking around to make sure no one could hear. “Just because we’re not together anymore doesn’t mean I can just stop caring about you. There’s something I think you should be aware of.”
“What?”
“I know you’ve been hanging around with Gary and…”
“Gary! Is that what this is about, Gary? Nothing is going on with me and Gary. What do you think? That I’m going to jump into bed with Gary now?”
“I didn’t say that--” he began, but I cut him off.
“You know, this hasn’t been easy for me, either. The last thing I want to do is get involved with someone else. That was a big deal for me, and you know it was, and then to find out it was all bull…? I’m not saying it’ll never happen. I’m sure at some point it will, but right now I’m not interested in dating Gary or anyone else for that matter.”
“It wasn’t bullshit, Grace, and you know it. You said yourself that there’s no way I could have faked what we had, no fucking way,” he said, getting himself worked up again.
“Tanner, please. What’s this about?” I asked, annoyed at myself for opening up this can of worms again. “I’m sure you didn’t come here to rehash everything, so just spit it out. What do you need to tell me that’s so important?”
He sat back on the bench and huffed out a deep breath, obviously trying to calm himself down. “Listen to me,” he said, raising his eyes to mine. “Gary is not who you think he is, okay? You just need to be careful when you’re around him. He can’t be trusted.”
“And you know this because…?” I asked.
“Because I’ve heard things, and I’ve seen things and because…” he continued, but I stopped him.
“Tanner, this is crazy. Gary’s harmless, but if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll make sure to keep my guard up when he’s around. How’s that? Would that satisfy your unjustified concern?”
“Grace, this is no joke. It would kill me if anything happened to you,” he said.
“Well, nothing is going to happen to me. Now, are we done here?” I stood up and mentally prepared myself to walk away from him again. “You know what’s funny? Gary seems to think that you’re the one who I need to be cautious around. Maybe the two of you should get together and get your stories straight.”
When he heard that, a hot angry flush spread across Tanner’s face. “Grace, whatever he told you about me is pure bullshit. Don’t believe anything he tells you.”
Tanner seemed genuinely enraged, which only made me doubt Gary’s story even more. Not that I thought he was lying, just that he’d gotten his facts wrong. Unfortunately, it didn’t change anything between me and Tanner. “I need to get going, Tanner. Is there anything else?” I asked.
“I guess not,” he said, sounding defeated as he stood up. Then he reached over and lightly stroked my hair. “It was great seeing you.”
I didn’t pull back from him, but I didn’t get all warm and fuzzy either. “Have a good summer if I don’t see you again.”
“Yeah, you too,” he said as he let his hand drop and then turned to go.
Chapter 54
Tanner
“So, how’d it go?” Scott asked when I got home. He was sitting on his favorite kitchen stool, nursing a beer.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t think she believed me.”
“Well, you tried,” he said. “If anything happens now, it’s out of your hands. At least you warned her, but I think you’re overreacting anyway. Gary’s not going to do anything.”
“You’re wrong, Scott. He will do something – I’m sure of it.”
“Well, what’re you going to do, keep her in your pocket? Forget it. It’s over between you guys, so there’s nothing you can do about it.”
I thought for a minute. “There’s one more thing I can try.”
“And that is?” he asked.
“I can talk to Beth. You know, just give her a heads-up. Let her know what’s going on and that she should keep an eye on Grace when Gary’s around, especially if there’s drinking involved.”
Scott looked at me and shook his head as if to say, ‘you gotta be kidding me.’
“T…let it go,” he said as he put his hands on my shoulders; it was a rare gesture for him, one he reserved for guys he felt were acting pathetic over a girl. “Forget about her. Concentrate on the tour. Once that starts, there’ll be so many girls you’ll have trouble remembering her name.”
I suddenly realized how lame I sounded. I was turning into one of those guys we always made fun of. I took a step back and laughed. “You’re right…what am I doing? The tour – that’s what’s important now. I’ve got to forget about this shit and concentrate on the tour.” But even as I said it, I knew I had to try this one last thing - talking to Beth. At least then I’d know I’d done all I could.
Now all I had to do was track Beth down when Grace wasn’t around. One day when I knew Grace had a couple of classes a row, I headed over to the dorm, where a couple of girls who were exiting the building let me in. I climbed the stairs to their room, hoping Beth was there so I could just get this over with. The last thing I needed was for people to see me lurking around the dorm and think I was some kind of stalker.
I knocked at the door, relieved to hear Beth call out. A second later she opened the door, her mouth opening in surprise. “To what do I owe this visit?” she asked, trying to play it off.
“Don’t worry, I’m not here to ask you to convince Grace to get back with me, although feel free to try if you want…” I smiled, but she just stared at me. “I’m here about something else.”
She opened the door wider so I could come in. “What’s up?” she asked as I took a seat on Grace’s bed and tried to get my thoughts straight.
“Listen, I know you and Grace are all chummy with Gary now, and I guess Grace can do what she wants. It’s none of my business. But I need you to do me a favor.”
“Go on,” she said, and I could tell from her expression that she was getting curious.
“Not sure if you know this or not, but Gary and I are not too cool with each other.” Beth looked at me as if to say, duh. “Right, well, I don’t trust him, and especially not with Grace. I’ve got a bad feeling about him.”
She rolled her eyes at me. “Tanner, that’s silly. I’ve been around Gary a million times—he’s completely harmless.” She paused. “Why
would you think otherwise?”
“I have my reasons, and if you don’t want to believe me that’s fine, just do me one favor. When you and Grace are with him, and alcohol’s involved, just keep an eye on the situation. Don’t let Grace go anywhere alone with him, okay?”
She thought about it for a minute. “Okay, Tanner, I still think it’s ridiculous, but if you feel that strongly about it, I guess I can help you out.”
Before she could say anything else, I said, “And do me one more favor-- please don’t tell her we had this conversation, at least not until the semester’s over and everyone’s gone home. At that point, I’ll know she’s safe and I don’t care if she knows. If you tell her now, she’s just going to think I have an ulterior motive.” I stared Beth in the eye to let her know I wasn’t fucking around. “I just don’t want anything to happen to her, okay?”
I could see she was mulling it over, then she said, “You know I don’t like getting in the middle of you two, and I especially don’t like keeping things from Grace, but you do seem kinda freaked out about this whole thing, so…okay, I’ll do it. I’ll keep an eye on her when she’s around Gary, even though I’m sure it’s unwarranted, and I won’t mention it for now. But you should know that I am going to tell her eventually.”
“Fair enough,” I said as I stood up. “I appreciate it, Beth.” She shrugged, and I left, closing the door behind me. As I walked down the stairs and out of the building, I knew I’d done everything I could to protect Grace. Still, I couldn’t shake the uneasiness I felt, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to rest until the semester was over and done with.
Chapter 55
Grace
When the weekend rolled around, I still wasn’t in the mood to go out, so I sent Beth on her way with a promise that I’d definitely go with her to the huge blowout on Wednesday night. It was the last hurrah before everyone left for summer break.
It was a bittersweet time for me. On the one hand I was looking forward to going home, seeing my family, and not having to worry about classes and homework for a few months, but on the other hand I wasn’t going to have the summer that I’d thought I was going to have. I wasn’t going to be spending the summer with Tanner and doing all the things we’d planned, like going with him on the tour and visiting the lake house and the trips to the beach we said we’d squeeze in whenever time allowed. It would have been fun if he’d stayed at my house while the band had gigs in the area. Ryder would’ve loved that.
I shook the disappointment from my head as I climbed onto my bed and flipped on the TV, finally settling on an old movie I’d seen about a dozen times. I ended up falling asleep early, before Beth even got home, which meant it was almost a guarantee that I’d be awake by seven the next morning.
That turned out to be just the case, and not wanting to wake Beth, I decided to go for a run. I quietly got dressed, slipped my sneakers on, and then grabbed my iPod, sliding it into my jacket pocket.
The crisp, early morning air felt good, and I inhaled deeply. I hadn’t been on a run in forever. Since you were spending all your time with Tanner. More like wasting all your time. I pushed the thoughts from my head and did some stretches, then walked down the path at the side of our building which led to the main road. Once there I turned on the iPod and, with ear buds firmly in place, I broke into a slow run. When I heard the first few bars of “Magic Power” I quickly flipped to the next one. That song just reminded me too much of Tanner, and I couldn’t bear to listen to it after everything that’d happened. Much to my dismay, the next song to come on was a Rolling Stones song that Tanner’s band covered, so I flipped it again.
Every time I flipped the iPod to the next song, it turned out to be one that either Tanner’s band played or one that we both loved. Completely annoyed, I slowed down to a brisk walk, yanked the ear buds from my ears and shoved them into my pocket with the iPod. The music that had always been such a source of joy and comfort to me was now just a painful reminder of what Tanner had done. Damn him.
I picked up the pace and started running again, determined to block out any thoughts of him. By the time I finished, I was exhausted and starving so I got myself something to eat at the deli and brought it back to my room, figuring that by this time Beth would be up.
When I walked in, Beth was just getting out of bed. “How was last night?” I asked, but she kind of just grunted at me and went into the bathroom. “That good?” I asked jokingly as I sat down on my bed and pulled my sneakers off.
By the time she came out of the bathroom, she seemed to be in a better mood. “You missed another great night,” she began, then proceeded to tell me everything that had happened the previous evening. When she finished, I concluded that I hadn’t actually missed anything, but she was sure to remind me of my promise to come to the party on Wednesday night.
“I know, don’t worry, I’ll be there.” But even as I said it, I wasn’t looking forward to it. I just wanted to get back home to my own room in my own house where I could just forget about everything that’d happened these last few weeks.
That Tuesday, as Beth and I were getting ready for class, I said, “After this exam I only have one more and then I’m done. How about you?”
“I have my last two today and that’s it,” she said as she grabbed her bag and started to leave. “And don’t forget – tomorrow night.”
“Wait up,” I said as I grabbed my stuff. “I’ll walk with you…and no, I haven’t forgotten about tomorrow night. I’m looking forward to it,” I lied.
“Good, me too,” she said as she led the way down the stairs. We chatted until we had to split up, her class in one direction, mine in another, and that’s when I started to feel uneasy. I wondered if Tanner would show up for the exam. When I arrived I took a seat in the back just as the professor started handing out the exams. It looked like Tanner wasn’t going to show, but just then the door opened and he came briskly walking in. The professor handed him his exam, and he took a seat right in front, never even looking back to see if I was there.
I told myself I didn’t care, but I’ll admit it kind of stung. I started looking over my exam, refusing to look in his direction again. The exam wasn’t very difficult and I finished it rather quickly, so I decided to go over it again, double-checking all of my answers. Just then I heard a rustling in the front of the room. I looked up to see Tanner handing his exam in. As he went to leave, he looked back to where I was sitting and gave me a slight nod before turning and heading out.
Not long after, I handed my exam in and walked out of the room, half expecting to find him waiting there for me, but the halls were empty. I realized then that that was the last time I’d see him before leaving for home. I felt my heart sink; it suddenly seemed so final. Well, what’d you expect? That he’d continue pining over you? Look at him, Grace; he doesn’t need to pine over anyone. ‘Sheer perfection,’ isn’t that how you described him? There’s probably at least half a dozen girls lined up, just waiting to take your place.
I started to walk out of the building. When I got outside, there in the distance, I saw him walking with Scott and a group of girls I wasn’t able to recognize from this far away. I watched them for a minute, but they soon split away from girls and got into Scott’s truck before pulling away and out of sight.
Seeing Tanner walking with those girls really stuck in my craw. I knew it shouldn’t, but it did. It was definitely time to move on, to get out there and force myself to mingle, and the party tomorrow night would be just the place. Mingle, have some fun and let it go – put this whole semester, that began as a dream come true but turned into a nightmare, behind me, then start fresh next year.
When my last exam was over on Wednesday I felt nothing but relief; I was even looking forward to the party that night. Seeing Tanner walking with those girls the day before had made me realize that he was probably moving on, and it was time for me to do the same. When I got back to the dorm I started
picking through what was left in my closet, hoping I’d find something decent to wear. Most of my stuff was already packed for the trip home.
“Ready for tonight?” I heard Beth say as she walked in and put her stuff down.
“Yes,” I said, this time with genuine enthusiasm.
“That’s what I like to hear,” she replied. “Oh, Gary said he’d stop by and pick us up, but I told him not to bother. I invited some of the girls over, and I figured we would hang here for a while before we headed over.”
“Sounds good.” I picked up a shirt and held it against myself.
“I think he liiiiiiikes you,” she sing-songed.
I couldn’t help but laugh at the way she said it, but I shook my head. “I told you, I’m not interested in Gary as anything more than just a friend, capeesh?”
“I get it. I get it.” Beth smirked. “But I do think he likes you. Hey, let’s go into town and get something to eat.”
“Sounds good,” I said again. “But let’s go now—I’m starving.”
We got back from dinner with just enough time to get ready before the girls came over. When they arrived they had beer with them, but I had decided earlier that I wasn’t going to drink too much tonight, so it was best to not get started this early.
Unfortunately, Beth had other plans for us and handed a beer to me as soon as she’d cracked it open. I looked down at the can and thought, Why not? Classes were over and I deserved to relax. I settled onto my bed, since there really wasn’t anywhere else to sit, and took a long, leisurely sip. I was really going to miss all this freedom when I got home.
As the girls all gossiped about the latest goings on and what everyone was doing for the summer, I tried to keep focused on the conversation, but my mind kept drifting. I quickly downed the rest of my beer and asked for another.