Yeah, he’s going to break up with you, is what I wanted to say, but I held my tongue. Encouraging her that everything was all right seemed like a bad thing to do, too. Everything in this situation was wrong because Phoebe should have actually been screaming at me for betraying her friendship. “If something happened today, maybe he’s just distracted by family stuff. I know that can be difficult.”
She looked utterly unconvinced. “Why won’t he tell me about it, though?”
I wished away the slight heating of my cheeks. He’d told me everything and I hadn’t even asked for it. Maybe him and Phoebe just weren’t meant to be. Kissing me definitely wasn’t good, but breaking up with Phoebe might have been for the best anyway. “Telling people about this stuff is difficult. I don’t like talking to people about it, I haven’t told you even close to everything I’ve been going through and you’ve been my best friend for ages.”
She actually looked surprised and I realised I’d told Luke more than anyone. We just had this in common and so it was easier. “I suppose. I didn’t realise. Are you okay? I probably haven’t asked enough.”
I managed a small smile. “I’m fine. It’s just weird and pretty difficult. I miss having my dad around and I miss not thinking badly of my mum. I think it’s getting better, thank you.”
“I’m glad,” Phoebe picked at her nails. “And you’re probably right about Luke. I’ll try and talk to him about it tomorrow, because this is too weird. I feel like I’ve done something wrong, or that,” she cleared her throat. “I know it’s stupid, but I can’t help but worry he’s cheating on me. I’m not going to mention that to him, of course, but it just bugs me so much.”
I couldn’t look at her, but she was staring at the blanket anyway. “Just talk to him about it.” Maybe Luke would decide he didn’t even need to wait until after her birthday. Her birthday might be a good way to feel better after the break-up, anyway. “If it’s only been a week it could be anything.”
“I guess, and I will do. Anyway, tell me something interesting. You and Jamie. Surely I’ve pestered you enough to make a move by now.”
I forced out a smile. A slightly better conversation topic than Luke, I supposed. “He made the move, not me, but yeah, we’re going out on Friday.”
Phoebe grinned ear to ear. “That’s awesome! I knew you’d be good together, so, where are you going? What are you doing? What are you wearing?”
I groaned, lying on the small bed sideways so my bum just hung off the end. I hated having this conversation. I was just planning on wearing normal clothes, jeans and a t-shirt or something. Maybe I’d attempt to find a necklace that looked a bit fancy. It wasn’t the exciting event Phoebe always seemed to see. “He said we’re just going to a restaurant that’s pretty casual. I was just going to wear jeans and a blouse or something. Maybe those shoes I bought for when we had to visit court with school.”
Phoebe, now invigorated, got up and started flicking through my wardrobe. She pulled the same face she always did and I rolled my eyes. We had a very different fashion sense. “I guess that could work,” she conceded. “Curl your hair though, please, it’s so gorgeous curly.”
I ran my fingers through my long, straight hair. “Maybe,” I conceded. It was far less effort to straighten it, which I prioritised highly. I heard the front door open and close and sighed. “I have to just go and talk to my mum. Be right back in a few.”
I stuck my head around the bottom of the bannister after sneaking down the stairs and my mum jumped. I smirked. It never failed to amuse me, even when I was in the worst of moods. Thankfully, she was alone. “Hi, mum. Sorry about earlier, I know it was weird,” I moved away from the staircase so Phoebe wouldn’t be able to overhear. “Phoebe’s here now, though, so can we chat later?”
My mum watched me with an exasperated expression. “I guess I can wait a bit longer,” she looked incredibly sad for some reason and the guilt flowed through me. “Just come down whenever, I’ll be awake.”
I nodded, slipping into the kitchen to grab a glass of water, and hoping Phoebe would choose to leave soon. Exhaustion was beginning to slowly take over.
Tiredness had taken Phoebe, too, when I opened my door and she was sleeping soundly. I closed the door as quietly as possible and tiptoed back down the stairs. “Phoebe’s asleep. It’s cool if she stays here tonight, right?”
“Of course.”
I took a seat opposite her armchair and weaved my hair through my fingers. “Basically, Luke got a job at that place and the guy offered me a job, too. I accepted. That’s it, really.”
My mother floundered, trying to think of a way to question my statement. Eventually, she sighed. “I didn’t ever want you to hate me. I made a stupid decision, I know, but your father overreacted, too. He’s not an angel, you know?” She shook her head. “That’s not what I mean, retract that statement. I just wanted to apologise, for everything that’s happened. I really never intended to hurt anyone.”
I moved over and sat on the arm of her chair, resting my head on her shoulder. “I don’t hate you, mum. I was really angry and I’m starting to get over it. I’m glad you found someone to be happy with, I just wish my dad wasn’t stuck in this situation.”
“Have you visited him?”
“Yeah.” I felt bad for not going to visit him again, but my desire to go back to that house, especially after the threat from our stalker, was practically nil. I’d have to remember to call him and ask if he wanted to go for coffee soon.
My mum shifted slightly, rocking my head. “Is he staying somewhere all right? I really tried to convince him to stay.”
I considered lying, but decided that wasn’t going to help our relationship go back to normal. “Not really. He’s staying in some druggy house. I don’t think I really want to go and visit him again there.”
She hung her head and I was sure I saw tears glistening in her eyes. “I knew this was going to happen. I should have just let him have the house.”
“It’s not your fault. He overreacted, and he’s always too stubborn to get a job. It’s his own mess, really.” My mum had wanted to be happy and she and my dad had broken up; I’d done something far worse than her and wasn’t even facing any consequences. I wrapped a hand around her shoulders and squeezed. “It’s really not your fault. He’ll sort himself out.”
She sniffed. “I really hope so. I’ll ring him and ask if he wants to come home, tomorrow. I can’t stomach the thought of him staying somewhere like that. I don’t even know how he still knows that kind of person.”
That was still my question, too. What exactly didn’t I know about my dad that he’d been able to ring someone like that up and ask if he could stay with them? I’d hoped it was an old school friend who’d chosen a bad path, or something, but my mum’s statement suggested otherwise.
I didn’t move and I didn’t ask. Now wasn’t the time. “It’ll all work out okay.”
“I hope so,” she repeated the sentiment, too, taking a shuddering breath. “How are you enjoying working, anyway? It’s a bit of a chore, huh?”
It had actually been relatively fun up until the point where mine and Luke’s relationship was ruined. We’d chatted, practised German, and always had fun on the ride home. Any smile on my face faded. I’d stop feeling miserable about Luke soon, surely. I’d spoken to him for such a little amount of time before we kissed that it felt like I was completely overreacting, but I’d crushed on him for so long before, that I was just in way too deep.
“It’s okay,” I settled on, letting out the smallest of sighs. “Could be better, I suppose. Luke and I never really made up.”
My mum frowned; this time it was her turn to wrap an arm around my shoulder. “That’s unfortunate. I’m sure you can work it out eventually. Was it really something that big? You became friends quite quickly, anyway. You’ve spent about fifteen years hating each other.”
I chuckled. Luke and I had so many memories. “Yeah, it kind of was a big deal. Oh, I’d rather you didn’t me
ntion any of this to Phoebe. Luke has this weird thing going on where he lies to her about his financial situation and won’t let her go to his house, so it’d be better if you just didn’t say anything at all to her about me and Luke and our job and stuff.”
“That’s pretty weird. You’ve been to his house and you know everything, though? Shouldn’t you really tell her?” There was the smallest amount of judgement in her voice and I flinched away from it. She was right, of course.
“I just don’t think it’s my place. It’s their relationship, not mine.”
“You’re lying to her, though.”
True, again. I was actively keeping her in the dark about something, working with Luke and not telling her wasn’t acceptable. It wasn’t what a best friend would do. It wasn’t what a good person would do. “I guess.”
“Honey…” she trailed off and ran fingers through my hair. “He’s just a boy. Phoebe’s been your best friend for so many years. Don’t throw that away.”
My stomach clenched. She had no idea how much I’d fucked everything up. “I know. Luke said he’s going to break up with her,” I didn’t know what persuaded me to tell her this. I’d been so sure I’d be taking all these secrets to the grave. “And then I’ll tell her things, as though they’ve happened afterwards. If I tell her now, she’ll hate me. If I tell her just after they’ve broken up she’ll hate me, too. I’ve already ruined everything.”
“You can’t just keep lying to her forever,” my mum plaited the ends of my hair with messy braids. “If they’re going to break up, then cut your losses and explain that you’re working with Luke and that it’s not been going on for very long, or something.”
I thought about going upstairs and explaining everything, minus the kiss, of course. Maybe she would hate me. Maybe it would make her even more insecure than she already was. Maybe it would all be all right. “Maybe,” I settled on.
I should talk to Luke, make sure he wouldn’t hate me if I did that.
I should wait until after her birthday, too.
“Oh, honey, what a mess. I’m sure it’ll work itself out.”
I wasn’t so sure, because my feelings for Luke weren’t just going away. I wanted him and thought about him all the time; I cared more about him than my guilt over betraying my best friend and that was a problem.
Part of me wanted to just tell Phoebe and face the consequences. It was what I deserved. If Phoebe did something like that to me, I’d never forgive her.
If I stayed her best friend then I was a horrible person. If I told her everything, it would be in the hope that Luke and I could try and make things work and that made me a horrible person.
Maybe there was something I just needed to accept about myself.
Chapter Ten
I smoothed down the blouse and toyed with my ringlets. I wasn’t excited and I wasn’t nervous. I was just, feeling weird about the entire thing.
Luke had spoken less than a dozen words to me since Phoebe had stayed at my house and he’d obviously spoken to Jamie. I’d expected his reaction to finding out about mine and Jamie’s date to make me feel good, but instead I just felt like a jerk.
I really shouldn’t be doing this.
Jamie opened the door to the restaurant and I walked ahead, really having to force my smile. This had been a stupid idea and I was an idiot. I should have just let him down like I’d wanted; this wasn’t going to help me get over Luke, it had just sent him the message that I didn’t care about him that much.
Our reserved table was a cute little corner booth, where I had a nice view into the car park and surrounding woody area. Jamie offered me a nervous smile. “This seat okay?”
“Yeah, great.” I once again loathed my lack of adult-status when I was forced to order a coke rather than something alcoholic. “This restaurant is cute.”
That obviously put his mind at ease and I settled into the comfy seat, checking out the menu. It was Italian, so I’d already decided I was having pizza, but I pretended to take the entire thing in so we didn’t have to talk. “What are you thinking looks good?”
“Maybe just a margarita. Can’t beat something classic. You?”
He continued to flick. “Seafood risotto, I think.”
We lapsed back into silence until the waiter came and took our orders. He took our menus and I was forced to make eye contact. I guess now was when I saw whether we were more compatible than I thought. “How have the university offers been going? You’ve applied, right?” He might always be behind on his deadlines, but Jamie seemed clever enough. And most people went to uni now, really.
“Yeah, teaching, hopefully. The offers have gone pretty well. Got four out of five. I was expecting to get the rejection, though, so it’s no big deal. And you?”
“Philosophy. Probably not the best for getting a job, but I do find it really interesting. We’ll see how it goes. I got all my offers back.”
“Pretty cool,” he agreed. “I guess it’s just about the grades for the both us now, then.”
“Definitely.”
I sipped on my drink and wondered why I couldn’t think of a single thing to say to him. If it had been Luke opposite me, one of us would have said something that caused a fit of giggles by now. “I guess I don’t actually know anything about you,” he realised. “I mean, I just think you’re funny and cute, that’s why I asked you out.” His cheeks turned pink. “What kind of hobbies and stuff do you have?”
I shifted in my seat. “Not much of anything, actually. Teaching Luke German is about the extent of my spare time activities. Other than binging on TV.”
Jamie laughed, resting his chin on his hands. “I’m quite similar, other than football, I have to spend so much time on homework and stuff I don’t really get much spare time for hobbies.”
We were quite similar, really. “I used to play netball, but I just kind of stopped this year. I’m still not entirely sure why. Maybe I’ll pick it back up at uni.”
“You should. Playing sport is so much fun, I’m really glad I got into something early enough to keep up with the school teams and stuff.”
I leant backwards when the waiter brought our food and almost groaned with how good it smelt. I thanked him with a wide smile. If this food was as good as it looked then it was going to have been worth Jamie showing me this restaurant.
Our conversation lulled as we dug into our food. “Good?” I checked with him.
“Really good. Yours?”
“Great,” it was probably more than I was going to feel like eating, but I’d be damned if I was going to leave any of this pizza. It was some of the best I’d ever had.
It was when I was eating my final mouthful that I noticed the car in the car park. There was no doubting that it was our stalker, he was parked so that it was impossible to see his face, but I spied the number plate I had memorised by now.
I swallowed another mouthful of my drink and tapped my foot. Jamie was finished, too, and so we’d be leaving soon. “I’m just nipping to the loo. Be right back.”
I walked to the bathroom with a stiff step, my gaze so trained on the car that I almost tripped over two chairs on the way there. In the bathroom, I sat on the toilet and rummaged through my bag.
“Are you okay?”
It wasn’t too surprising Luke answered his phone with that. There was no other reason I should be ringing him when I was supposed to be on a date with his best friend. “He’s outside, the stalker is outside and I’ve got to walk home.”
Luke’s frown was obvious as he paused. “Won’t Jamie walk you home? I’m sure he can protect you.”
I flinched and knew that I should just say yes and hang up. I was being mean. I shouldn’t have rang him in the first place. “O-”
“I’ll come and pick you up,” Luke interrupted. “Just tell Jamie we’ve got to go and help Phoebe prep for the party or something. You can’t walk home. He might try something.”
I was on the verge of disputing it, but I couldn’t do it. If Luke came to p
ick me up I’d be safe, I knew it. “Thank you,” it was barely a whisper and Luke hung up without saying anything else. I knew he’d have set off straight away, but that would still be fifteen minutes before he would get here.
Sitting back with Jamie, I managed a charming smile, despite my nerves and guilt. “Want to get another drink?”
Jamie beamed. “Sure, that would be great.”
“Luke is picking me up after this, by the way. We have to go and help Phoebe set up the house tonight, she’s all excited for the party and you know how she likes to plan.” He might not know that at all, but I was flagging for conversation. My mind had been overridden with thoughts that definitely weren’t related to Jamie.
Off Limits Page 9