by J. Evans
I cringe at the thought of “together,” of how close and terrifying that sounds.
“Not like that,” he says, apparently still able to read my mind. “Yes, I still love you. I’m never going to stop loving you, but if you don’t want me anymore, I’m not going to push.” His voice breaks on the final word, but when he continues it’s steady. “I’ll leave you alone, but I have to make sure you’re safe first. I have to, Sam. I can’t live with anything else.”
He reaches up, brushing a wisp of hair that’s escaped my braid away from my face, his touch so gentle it threatens to shatter me all over again. “Please. Talk to me. Really talk to me. Let me in enough to help keep you safe.”
“I don’t believe in safe,” I whisper, resisting the urge to lean into his big, warm hand. “Safety is an illusion. No one can keep anyone else safe, no matter how hard they try.”
Danny nods. “You’re right, but I can keep you safer. I know I can, if you’ll give me the chance. At the very least I can be your alibi.”
I hesitate, my resolve wavering. If I make it back to my hotel after the shooting without getting caught, an alibi would be a good thing to have, and Danny wouldn’t have to be in any danger. He could stay in the room, and if anyone asks, he says I was there with him. Nothing dangerous about that.
Except having Danny in your room, sleeping next to you, breathing the same air, reminding you what it’s like not to be alone.
“Don’t answer now,” he says, cutting me off before I can tell him no again. “Let’s get target practice taken care of, make sure the gun’s not going to explode in your face the first time you try to fire it, and go from there. And while we shoot I can fill you in on some of the things I’ve been thinking.”
“It isn’t going to explode,” I say. “And you’re not allowed to shoot it. My prints are the only prints that are ever going to be on this gun.”
His lips curve again. “Anyone ever tell you you’ve got a bossy streak?”
I answer his attempt at a joke with a blank look. I will not joke with him; I will not laugh with him. I will not let him past my defenses or give him any reason to hope for more than a brief connection before we go our separate ways.
After a moment, his smile diminishes though it doesn’t completely disappear. “All right. No teasing.”
“The canyon is still about a mile ahead.” I hitch my pack higher on my shoulder. “We should get going. I’d like to have at least an hour to shoot before it gets really hot.”
He holds out an arm, motioning toward the path. “Lead the way.”
I start back down the path, with Danny not far behind, but I know better than to think that means I’m leading. Danny has his own agenda and he won’t give up as easily as he’s pretending. There was a time when he was wrapped around my finger, but I was every bit as wrapped around his. He’s always been able to get to me like no one else, and I’m going to have to be very careful if I want to avoid being manipulated.
I’m going to have to remember that, no matter how familiar this feels, there is no Danny and Sam anymore. That was the past and there is no room for the past in the here and now.
CHAPTER FOUR
Danny
“By seeking and blundering, we learn.”
-Goethe
I spend an hour and a half watching Sam blast rocks of various sizes to pieces. She takes ever more difficult shots without missing, until I have to admit that as long as she’s lucky enough to catch all of her targets out in the open at the same time, she has an excellent chance of taking them out.
She’s an amazing markswoman, but I’m not surprised. Sam has always been excellent at everything she does. Whether it was surfing, school, tutoring kids, or loving me, she was the best of the best. A part of me is torn up that the girl I love is now the best at shooting sniper rifles, holding people at a distance, and staring the world’s cruelest realities in the face without flinching, but I can’t give in to that kind of thinking.
That’s not how I’m going to win Sam’s cooperation, let alone another chance at getting close to her. I have to show her that I understand what she’s going through because I’ve walked every step through hell right beside her. We might not have been in the same time zone, but I was always with her. She was never more than a minute or two from my thoughts, even in the dark hours when I thought Caitlin might die and my baby niece along with her.
Besides, we’ll both have a better chance of getting this done right if we create a new plan. My plan had holes and hers does, too, but together we should be able to come up with something that ensures punishment is dispensed while we walk away unscathed.
After Sam has burned through a box of ammunition, she joins me in the shade beneath a thickly rooted tree on the hill overlooking the canyon and pulls water and a bunch of bananas from her backpack. We share the food and drink, watching the birds return to the canyon now that the gun has gone silent. I keep my peace and give her space, waiting until I can sense her relaxing into the drowsy heat before I speak.
“There are worse things than death.” I roll up my banana peel and toss it onto the dusty ground, keeping my eyes on the stunning scenery in front of us. “Both of us know that.”
“There are,” she agrees. “But dead men can’t accuse me of a crime.”
“Neither can men who have no idea you’re in the same country that they are. There are ways to make them suffer that will leave them in the dark. At least at first. I had a few thoughts about that while I was sitting here.”
She takes a breath and I brace myself for another prompt to mind my own business, but instead she says, “What did you have in mind?”
“Do you think the guy who sold you the gun could get drugs, too?”
“Yes,” she says, without hesitation. “He could, but why would we want them?”
“The drug laws here are even more intense than the gun laws.” I cross my legs at the ankles and study my boots. “All we’d have to do is plant a kilo of cocaine on someone you’d like to see spend a decade in a Costa Rican prison and make sure the cops know where to find him.”
She nods slowly. “Scott. I’ve been going back and forth on what to do with him. He didn’t want to join in, I could tell. But he did because he’ll do anything Todd tells him to do.”
My mouth fills with the sour taste that always accompanies thoughts of four men taking turns violating Sam. My Sam. My best friend who is now a stranger to me, all because of what four frat fucks started and an ignorant L.A. jury finished.
“Or we can shoot him full of so much coke he overdoses and make it look like an accident,” I add in a harder voice. “If you want them dead, then they should be dead. They deserve it and it wouldn’t be a waste. A man who would do something like that doesn’t have anything worthwhile to bring to the world.”
She glances over at me, her expression gentling. “You’re a good man.”
“No, I’m not.” I fight the urge to take her hand and thread my fingers through hers the way I used to. “I’ve been daydreaming about killing them ever since I found out what happened. It’s all I’ve been able to think about. That and if I’d ever see you again.”
Her gaze drops to the dirt beneath us, where a giant beetle has found my banana peel and is crawling inside to investigate. “I wouldn’t have been any good for you. But I’m sorry I didn’t let you know I was okay.”
Unable to resist, I lay my hand over hers, chest tightening with relief when she allows it. “You don’t have to apologize. I’m the one who should apologize, for being such an asshole that last night in Taupo. I hated myself for it the next day. I haven’t had a drink since.”
“Me either. I don’t drink anymore.” She slides her hand out from under mine and stands, pacing a few steps away before turning back to face me. “So, say we get Scott sent to jail. Do the rest of them stay and finish their vacation?”
“You know they would,” I say, lip curling. “They won’t give a shit if one of their brothers is in trouble. They’
ll say he brought it on himself, call a lawyer if they’re in a generous mood, and leave him to twist while they drink beer by the pool.”
She nibbles the pad of her thumb. “Would a lawyer be able to get him out?”
“Maybe,” I admit. “But not before he spends a year or more in jail waiting for a trial date. From what I’ve read, it seems like the Costa Rican courts try to be fair, but they’re not real concerned with quick. There are ten U.S. citizens in the prison in San Jose awaiting trial right now. Some on drug charges, but some for smaller stuff like destruction of property or unpaid child support. All of them have been locked up more than a year.”
“A year.” She tilts her head back with a sigh, gazing up at the leaves whispering above our heads while she mumbles something about “going soft” that I can’t quite make out.
“What?”
Her gaze returns to my face. “I can live with Scott spending a year in prison, but the rest of them don’t get off that easy. J.D. and Jeremy need something worse and Todd doesn’t live to hurt anyone again. He’s the one who made it happen. He’s the leader. Without him, the rest would have backed off.”
I nod. “So we do J.D. and Jeremy—”
“I do J.D. and Jeremy,” she corrects. “You can help with the plans and be my alibi, but that’s as far as it goes. If I’m caught, I’m caught alone.”
“I don’t want to leave you alone.” I want to pull her into my arms and hold her until the layer of frost covering her heart melts away. “Don’t you think you’ve spent enough time alone?”
“I’m serious,” she says, staring me down. “If you can’t promise me you’ll stay out of the serious shit and mean it, then you need to leave. I’m not going to change my mind about that.”
“Fine,” I agree, knowing I should be grateful I’ve gotten her to bend this far. “You do J.D. and Jeremy at the same time and we work out a way to make whatever happens look like an accident.”
“And then we get Todd right after,” she says, pacing back and forth at the edge of the shade. “Before he has time to connect the dots and realize he’s the last man standing. No poetic justice for him, just something swift and final. And then we both leave the country the next day.”
“Sounds good.”
She turns back to me, head drifting to one side as she studies me. “Does it? Really?”
“The leaving the country part. And knowing it’s finally over,” I say, admiring the way the sun filtering through the leaves catches the gold in her hair. “I like the blond. I still love the brown best, but this looks good on you. Makes your eyes seem even bluer.”
“Don’t,” Sam says, her voice soft.
“Don’t what?” I ask, feigning innocence.
“You know what. That’s part of the bargain too. If you stay, you stay as a partner on this project. Nothing more.”
My jaw tightens. “Project is a weird word to describe framing, maiming, and killing, don’t you think?”
She frowns, but I speak before she has a chance to lay down any more rules.
“I’m good with partners.” I come to my feet and reach down to pick up her bag. “But I can’t plot any more until I’ve got something more than a banana in my stomach. Let’s go get some lunch. My treat.”
“All right, but we get something in town, not by any of the beach resorts,” she says, falling in beside me as I start back toward the rental car. “The SBE brothers aren’t due to land until next week, but I’ve been staying away from the airport and beaches so I don’t start to look familiar to people over there.”
“I know,” I say. “I’ve been following you. And watching you eat next to nothing. As far as I could tell you’re running on bananas, coffee, and the occasional bag of fried cheese bread.”
She lifts a shoulder. “I’m low on funds. The room at the resort next to The Seasons next week costs a fortune. I made a two thousand dollar deposit, but the rest of the balance is due at check-in. It’s another four thousand and that’s almost all I have left.”
I curse. “That’s ridiculous. Is it too late to cancel? You could come stay with me. I’ve got a little cabin at this hippie compound near the national park, where the company I’m working for houses their guides. It’s only a five-minute drive from The Seasons.”
“You’re working here?” she asks, glancing up at me, obviously surprised.
I smile. “I’m on staff at Extreme Canopy Zip Line Adventure Tours for the next week and a half. They needed someone to train their staff on cliff camping and I needed an alibi. Figured it was a good match.”
Sam shakes her head, but I can tell she’s impressed. “You’ve really thought this through.”
“I come from a long line of people who don’t mind operating outside the law,” I say, the conversation reminding me of my talk with my sister and the things she made me promise. “I wanted to go after them as soon as I found out what happened, but Caitlin warned me to wait at least a year, give them a chance to drop their guard and make sure I didn’t go off half-cocked. I had a few broken fingers at the time, too, so that wasn’t ideal for strangling people with my bare hands.”
Sam grabs a handful of my tee shirt, holding tight as she suddenly stops in the middle of the trail. I turn to face her, every nerve in my body prickling with awareness. She isn’t even touching my skin, but this is the first time she’s instigated physical contact and my gut desperately wants to believe it means something, even if my head knows better.
“I would have done the same thing for you,” she says, light flickering behind her eyes, making me think maybe her heart hasn’t gone dark forever after all. “I’m not that person anymore, but I remember…”
She takes a breath and lets it out slowly. By the time the exhalation is finished, her eyes are shuttered one more and her hand has dropped back to her side. “That’s why I knew I had to let you stay. And help. I’d want the same if I was in your position. I can’t offer much, but I can offer that.”
I want to touch her so badly it’s hell to keep my hands to myself. I want to cup her face in my hands and tell her I have no doubt that she would have gone to hell and back to protect me if she could, or avenge me if she couldn’t. I want to tell her that I wish it had been me. That I wish I could take everything she’s suffered into myself and spare her.
I would do it in a heartbeat. I would do anything for her.
And that’s why I keep my arms at my sides and say, “Thank you,” but nothing more.
Right now, Sam can’t handle more. But maybe someday, when all of this is over…
She’s given me no reason to hope, but I can’t help it. When you love someone the way I love her, hope refuses to die, no matter how many times it’s kicked to the dirt. Hope will keep me reaching out for Sam, again and again, for as long as I have hands because there are some dreams a person can’t give up on, no matter what.
CHAPTER FIVE
Sam
“None are more hopelessly enslaved
than those who falsely believe they are free.”
-Goethe
Getting in touch with Carlos again is easier than I expected. The first time, our meeting was arranged via texts between two burner phones. I don’t expect the number he gave me to work again, but only minutes after hitting send on a text asking about making another purchase—this time a sizable amount of cocaine—I get a reply.
I lean in to whisper to Danny across our table. “He says he can do a kilo for three thousand dollars.”
We’re at one of the many outdoor cafés near the city center. The wind is blowing and no one is seated close enough to overhear our conversation, but I’m more anxious about the drug deal than I was the gun. But then, the penalties for getting caught with that much cocaine are more severe than getting caught with an assault rifle. I’m going to be vulnerable until I unload the drugs on Scott.
It’s a risk, but hopefully, as long as I’m careful, I’ll be okay. The more I think about it, the more the idea of Scott behind bars feels like the
right thing. For a spineless toad like him, even a long weekend in a cage with real criminals will be enough to make him shit his pants several times over. After a year in a foreign jail, he’ll be scarred for life and determined never to do anything that might land him in lock up again.
“If you cancel your reservation for next week and stay with me, we’ll have enough with some left over,” Danny says, pulling me from my thoughts. “Or I could pay for it. It would just be a matter of figuring out how to withdraw the cash. I’ve been living with Caitlin and Gabe the past year so I could help out with the baby. I’ve saved a lot of money not paying rent.”
“How is the baby?” I ask, the question out before I think better of it.
It’s not a good idea to let things between Danny and I get personal, but I can’t help but wonder about the newest member of his family. I remember how excited he was, how he kept calling his sister from New Zealand to see if the baby had been born.
It feels like so much longer than a year since we landed in New Zealand, in that place where, for a few blissfully ignorant days, I thought Danny and I were going to have a chance at a future together. Where we’d been happy, despite the lies and arguments. Where we’d made love all night and then spent a perfect day on the river, feeling like all the best things in life were ours for the taking.
It hurts to remember, but I can’t seem to help it, not with Danny sitting in front of me, with the sun in his hair and that familiar grin on his lips.
“Juliet is the best,” he says, his love for his niece making his face light up. “Beautiful, bossy, and super smart. And she’s got this laugh like a velociraptor screech from those old Jurassic Park movies. It’s the wildest thing. I’ve got a video on my phone if you want to hear it.”