by Nicola May
‘Carl, geezer, how’s it going, man? Haven’t seen you for ages.’
Ginger Geezer Man had gone to university with Carl. His sense of humour was as amusing as his looks. The other two people on our table were Auntie Marge and Uncle Doug from Scunthorpe. The pair of them must have been nearing eighty.
‘Hi there, I’m Amy.’ I held out my hand to Uncle Doug.
‘You’re lame, duck? Why? What on earth have you done?’
Auntie Marge intervened. ‘It’s OK, Sammy duck, he’s a little deaf.’
By this time the other three on the table were in hysterics.
‘Oh, how annoying. I missed the joke, Doug,’ Auntie Marge continued.
‘Missed what, duck?’ Uncle Doug replied, whilst letting off an almighty fart. This is going to be fun, I thought.
The wine was flowing. We were all getting on really well, despite the fog of Uncle Doug’s obvious bowel complaint. I really wished that Anna had been here, she would have relished this toilet humour.
‘Nice beaver,’ I commented to Severe Bob.
‘What?’ She looked at me as if I was either a closet lesbian or completely mad.
‘I said nice beaver – nice beaver nose ring.’
Ginger Geezer, Severe Bob and Carl were laughing so much I thought they would fall off their chairs.
‘It’s a rabbit!’
‘Oh sorry, how embarrassing.’
‘Who’s had it?’ piped up Uncle Doug and then promptly farted again.
As the wine continued to flow I felt more and more at ease with Carl. I could still almost feel our kiss from earlier and actually couldn’t wait to be alone with him. I knew he felt the same way as I could feel his hand occasionally brushing my thigh.
The speeches had started. The father of the bride stood up.
‘Firstly I would like to say that I am so, so proud of my beautiful daughter. She surpassed herself at college, got her degree and continued to maintain her healthy twelve-year relationship to my new son-in-law, without even a single row. She is a constant support to me and I love her dearly.’
How wonderful, I thought weepily, and then started imagining my wedding again.
My father stood up.
‘Firstly I would like to say that despite a turbulent thirty-two years, I am proud of young Amy. Neither the fact that she was chucked out of college for having an affair with her music teacher, nor the fact that she brought more inappropriate men home than her cat brought in mice, nor even the fact that she has actually paid her husband to marry her allows me to not still love her dearly.’
I was brought abruptly out of my thoughts by a hand slowly creeping up my leg and under my dress. Carl’s hand felt rougher than I had imagined. I smiled and began to squirm slightly; I looked to the side to give Carl a sultry look and nearly fainted as I found myself looking straight into the blood shot eyes of Uncle Doug.
By ten o’clock I was feeling the effects of copious amounts of Pinot Grigio.
‘Do you want to dance, Amy?’
‘Do you know, I’d love to, Carl.’
Carl smelt divine; I do love a man who wears strong, musky aftershave. As we smooched our way through ‘Three Times a Lady’ and ‘Angels’ Carl leant down and gave me another mind-blowing frenchie.
‘I’ve booked a room, Amy. Totally up to you, of course, but I would really love you to spend the night with me. We can just hug all night.’
Bless Carl, he was so sweet. Maybe Christopher was right in his matchmaking; perhaps at last I had met a soul-mate, a gentle man with whom I could bond.
‘I would really like that.’
The room that Carl had booked in the hotel was amazing. I don’t know what it is with me and hotel rooms but I get really excited every time I stay somewhere. I always have to run around the room checking everything out. Most importantly, I have to check out the bathroom and even more bizarrely, despite my religious disbeliefs, if there isn’t a Bible in the bedside cupboard I feel quite put out.
This particular room caused more of a furore than usual, as not only did it have a balcony that looked out over Windsor Castle, but also an exquisite bathroom. It was huge and all white. There was a huge white Jacuzzi in the corner and even more excitingly, huge snuggly His and Hers white bathrobes hanging on the back of the door. Carl seemed amused at my whoops of delight.
Just seeing the Jacuzzi made me feel quite horny. I’d always wanted to have sex in a whirlpool and here I was with an extremely sexy Piscean, feeling fuzzy-headed and relaxed. The night was our oyster and I was ready for anything! I put the ‘hug all night’ comment to the back of my mind and started to initiate the Anderson School of Seduction technique.
Oh God, I was about to have one of those moments that would cause me to wake up in the morning and physically cringe at my exuberant behaviour, but once Amy Jane Anderson was on a mission there was no stopping this gal!
‘Tonight, Carl Peters.’ I slurred and held my arm in the air dramatically, ‘I am going to be – Shirley Bassey!’
I shimmied into the bathroom and quickly undressed down to my underwear.
Thank goodness I’d bought new for the occasion. Waltzing out in my grey smalls would have not created the right image at all, oh no sir-ee. I also was glad that I was drunk and that my inhibitions were at zero level. I no longer cared about any excess flesh that was oozing out of the corners of my shocking pink, super cleavage lifter with matching g-string and suspender belt. Dramatically emerging from the bathroom, the singing, or should I say wailing, commenced.
‘The minute you walked in the joint, der dum!’ I gyrated my hips and pointed my arm seductively at Carl. He was now lying on the bed, looking bemused now, rather than amused. ‘I could tell you were a man of distinction.’ More gyrating. ‘Hey Big Suspenders!’
I ripped my suspenders undone, then started to try and peel off my stockings erotically. Unfortunately, in my drunken state I lost my balance, started hopping around like I was on a pogo stick for the first time, then fell headlong through the open French windows onto the balcony.
I was just about to start crying as I could feel blood dripping down my knee when suddenly there was an almighty round of applause and whoops from across the street. Not only had Carl had to witness this whole sorry performance first-hand but so had Regiment 151, whose living quarters at Windsor Castle were obviously right opposite the hotel!
Carl didn’t seem too amused now. He came outside, threw a robe around me and ushered me inside, he then shut the doors and curtains as quickly as he could to the resounding cries of, ‘Heh, Shirley Bassey, show us your assy one more time, baby!’
He then gave me a look purely reserved for a parent to a naughty child and said quite firmly, ‘Amy, although very honoured to receive such a performance, I really do think it’s time for bed.’
– Twelve –
Gemini: An unexpected encounter leaves you feeling hurt and embarrassed today.
‘Hugged all bloody night? Princess, I can’t believe you haven’t had a shag yet! I know you can’t hit the coconut every time, but it’s about time you had a shot at the target!’ Brad exclaimed.
‘Obviously Shirley Bassey isn’t his cup of tea!’ I laughed.
I hadn’t told Brad about my passionate night with Declan; in fact the only living creature I had confided in was Penelope. I felt a bit mean about this, but thought if I told my friends, they were bound to try and talk me out of the dating lark, and I was beginning to quite enjoy myself.
‘Well, I’m off to this dinner-date evening with Liv tonight, and you know what she’s like. She will probably talk me into going off with the waiter if none of the dinner dates are worth pursuing.’
Christopher had left me a message yearning to know how my date with Carl had gone. I was feeling extremely hungover after the wedding experience so couldn’t be bothered to talk to him. I sent him a text message instead.
‘SUCCESS! SECOND ROUND REQUIRED! PS: IS THIS EXTRA?’ He replied immediately. Hadn’t got a life
of his own? ‘GREAT.OK NO.’ How bloody dull. I liked a text message with at least a bit of humour. Maybe he was being short with me for cancelling my date with Declan.
I almost felt like I was betraying Carl by going on this dinner-date thing. I don’t know why, really. We had hugged and kissed and I felt completely at ease with him, but a girl had to keep her options open and a night out with Liv would certainly allow me to do that.
‘All right, Minger, let’s party.’ Liv had arrived. She was carrying a bottle of pink champagne and a packet of dry-roasted peanuts. ‘I thought we could have a little aperitif and snackette before we leave.’
‘So, are you going to put some clothes on before we leave as well?’ I enquired.
Liv made one of her screwed-up faces, that looked so funny even the Mona Lisa would have let out an enormous belly laugh.
Actually, she looked fabulous; only she could get away with the very short black mini-dress that she was wearing. Her breasts were heaving out of it and her mane of red hair was piled on top with seductive little ringlets hanging down the sides.
‘Underwear?’
‘Obviously not!’
‘So no dropping your napkin then, sweetie.’
Penelope sauntered in, sniffed Liv’s leg, gave one of his glares to both of us, then sauntered off again.
Feeling tipsy after the pink champagne we arrived at the venue of the dinner party. A beautiful old cottage, in a village about ten miles outside of Reading. Rosalind, the hostess with the mostess, greeted us. Her voice was low and husky; she was wearing a high-necked, straight black dress that touched the floor, and burgundy lipstick. Her nails were like eagle’s talons. She could easily have passed as Cordelia’s sister.
‘Hi there, girls, you must be Liv and Amy. We’ve been waiting for you.’
I felt like I was on the set of some sort of horror movie.
We were ushered into the dining room. The ceiling was low and just two single candles in the middle of a huge bench table gave the room an eerie glow. There were three people standing chatting in the corner, drinking champagne. One girl, and two boys, each beautifully dressed in their black tie ensembles.
‘Liv.’ I jabbed her in the back. ‘You didn’t say it was black tie, you cow.’
‘I didn’t know,’ she whispered back.
Liv was all right in her black creation. I did have a dress on but it was a gold-halter neck number that I had had made for me for H’s wedding. I suddenly felt very un-chic and really out of place. I also was slightly perturbed that there were more girls than boys.
‘Dinner is served,’ Rosalind huskily announced.
‘For those of you who haven’t been before, remember it’s boy, girl, boy, girl. I’ll sound the gong – chat your chat for twenty minutes, I’ll sound the gong again and then you all move round.’
I grimaced at Liv. She smirked back. I knew she would be in her element.
‘By the way, ladies, there is another man for you on his way. He’s in a taxi as we speak. The spare lady will have to listen in until he arrives.’
Dong! Rosalind bashed the worn golden gong in the corner of the room. I glanced at Liv again; she could sense my apprehension. What sort of night was this going to be? Liv, of course, was loving it; she gave me one of her faces and then promptly proceeded to home in on the louder of the two contenders.
Sam had this theory that all people resembled animals or birds of some sort. He had labelled me as a Jack Russell. ‘Nothing at all to do with you being a dog, Ames, ’cos you know you’re not. It’s just you tear around, making lots of noise, you have a nasty bite sometimes but everyone still loves you.’
Throughout my life I had come across nearly the whole deckful of Noah’s Ark. I had worked for a shark and a fox and had been out with more magpies than I care to remember. Tonight was certainly like feeding time at the zoo.
Liv made straight for a bloke I immediately named ‘Lion Man.’ He had a mane of long, blond wavy hair and was very tanned in an orange sort of way. A gold medallion clung to his excessively hairy chest. He obviously wanted to be the centre of attention. Leo was written all over his face.
Next to Lion Man was Scorpion Woman. Her features were pointy and she had the most piercing green eyes I had ever seen. Her hair was black and cropped short, and every time she laughed or should I say cackled she threw her head right back as if she had just stepped out of the asylum.
Scorpion Woman was actually quite frightening. She also had inch-long talons painted purple. What was it with these women and their nails? I have never had nails. I can’t even remember when I started biting them. It bothers other people that I have stubby-looking hands but I don’t actually care. I reckon that nail biting is not as dangerous a habit as smoking so I shall continue to do it. In fact, me with nails is actually quite dangerous. I did try the false nail thing once, got drunk, stuck my finger in my ear to scratch it and ended up in casualty with a damaged eardrum!
Lion Man, aka Evan, was enjoying himself hugely. With Liv one side of him and Scorpion Woman the other, he was in his element. The girls had taken it on themselves to share the twenty minutes with Lion Man. I heard Liv’s opener and realised why I loved her. ‘So, Evan, do you feel that sex on a first date is appropriate?’
As Stranger Man had not turned up yet, I was on the other side of the bench next to Slug Man. Slug Man because I find slugs particularly dull. Looks wise he wasn’t really ugly, he just had what I would call an ‘insignificant face’. He had straight mousy hair, in no particular style, and murky hazel eyes. His face never seemed to change expression and he had a thin upper lip, so an instant no no there. His voice was monotone and without taking any sort of breath he spurted the following
‘Hello, you look lovely in gold.’
‘Your eyes are a pretty colour.’
‘Your lipstick suits you.’
Ergh, ergh, ergh, vile man. I knew that I would have to ask him some questions but really felt like saying
‘Look, you have no dress sense, your eyes are the colour of a slug and your lips need a Botox injection.’
Suddenly I sneezed, three times in a row.
‘Bless you, bless you, bless you. Hey, you look amazing when you sneeze.’
Now why couldn’t the ones I fancied come out with something like that?
When I regained my composure and managed to find out that Slug Man, aka Crispin (I guess even his mother wasn’t too keen on him) was an accountant, who lived in Hertfordshire. He was thirty-nine and had only ever had one girlfriend. His favourite hobby was stamp collecting. Even with Lion Man being the only other choice I was quite pleased when the gong sounded for a change around. I did actually feel quite sorry for Crispin though, knowing that Liv and Scorpion Woman would make mincemeat of him.
Just as the gong sounded for the second time, the dining-room door flew open and in walked Stranger Man.
My mouth began to open and shut like that of a startled goldfish in disbelief.
– Thirteen –
Pisces: The cosmic whistle is calling full time on a past encounter. Dry those eyes, hold your head up high and face the future with pride.
Once I had managed to control my mouth I felt tears stinging my eyes. For there, right in front of me in the candle-lit dining room, was the one and only James Crook. Fate had played her part in my life before, but this was incredible.
‘Boy, girl, boy on this side of the bench,’ I managed to spit out. My heart wasn’t racing. Instead, a dull thud had gone through it with the awful prospect of having to spend an evening with an ex-boyfriend.
‘Liv, let me introduce you to James Crook,’ I almost whispered.
Liv sat bolt upright. ‘Oh, hi there, James. Pleased to meet you.’
Bless Liv, she had never met James before but knew the trauma that he had caused me, and she was being polite, sensing immediately how shocked I must be feeling.
She went on, ‘Excuse me one moment, I must powder my nose. Amy can I borrow that compact of yours?’<
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I took this as my cue for a toilet break. I muttered, ‘Back in a minute,’ to James and dutifully followed Liv out of the dimly-lit room into the cramped, pot-pourri scented loo.
‘Oh my God!’ Liv shrieked. ‘This is so unreal! What do you want to do, Amy? Do you want to leave?’
‘Do you know Liv, I feel quite calm. This is an ideal time to have a chat, as he can’t flare up if there are other people here and it was years ago; we can surely talk as adults now. This is my final chance for closure. I’ve always felt we left things slightly unresolved.’
‘OK, but if I see you distressed in any way, we’re out of here!’
‘Thanks, mate. And can I just say one thing?’
‘Sure, Ames, what?’
‘I’d rather you slept with Lion Man to my left, than Slug Man to your right.’
‘Ha, bloody ha! I’d rather sleep with Rosalind.’
I caught James’s eye as I sat down. He had amazing brown eyes that you could drown in. Memories starting flooding back.
‘Pregnant! You can’t be! I thought you were on the pill?’
‘I was, but I told you I was having a break and we must be careful.’
And as if he hadn’t even been there during our passionate encounters he asked
‘So were we careful?’
‘Yes, as far as I know but I guess withdrawal is not very reliable.’
‘Amy, Amy, I can’t believe this!’
‘James, we are twenty-eight years old, we are adults. I will get maternity pay.’
‘I don’t want this baby, Amy.’
I suddenly saw red. ‘How can you say that? It’s like saying you don’t want part of me.’
‘Well maybe that is what I am saying, you’ve trapped me.’
James Crook was a prize wanker in the wanker stakes and thankfully I did realise that now. In those days, my low self-esteem had kept me glued to him, but this was too much to bear. Huge teardrops started to fall slowly down my face.