“Can you see it?” Claudia asked them softly. By her voice, Burt could tell Claudia wasn't upset by his reference to another woman's sexuality. He was relieved but not surprised.
Kimberlee nodded, “It sounds like you felt emasculated. And responded by objectifying her.”
He hadn't thought of it that way, but it was accurate. “That's true. In this incident and in all the times I've objectified women in other ways.”
“Other ways? There's more than sexual objectification?” Karen asked, perplexed.
Burt nodded. “When a woman overwhelmed me with her sexuality, she became a sex object. When I was overwhelmed by a woman's anger, my mind would instantly turn her into a ‘shrew.’ Not Claudia—she's never caused that. But customers whose demands never ended and whose volume always escalated.”
Noticing they were listening still, he continued, “When little Myra would overwhelm me with her tantrums, I'd think ‘Brat.’ That was the easiest way of turning her into a manageable thing instead of the person who could most readily pull my heartstrings.”
Claudia has taught them well, he thought as they didn't interrupt. He continued, warming to the topic, “You have to understand that objectification isn't limited to women though. We do it to everyone we can't handle. It takes a complex, multi-dimensional being and reduces them into a simple, single classification thing. That's where ‘objectification’ comes from: ‘object,’ another word for ‘thing.’ To objectify is to reduce to thing-ness. We were taught to do it in the military because otherwise many found it impossible to fire a gun at another human being. If he was merely a ‘jap’ or a ‘kraut’ it could be done. Pardon my language.”
Karen had begun taking notes. He smiled. “It isn't limited to men either. I see women do it all the time: ‘dead-beat dad’ or ‘men are pigs.’ Or the way they refer to each other: ‘ditsy blonde,’ or ‘career-woman.’ Positive or negative, all labels are objectifiers. They make everyone seem simpler, and more manageable, than they actually are.”
Kimberlee looked mortified.
“Did you want to say something?” Claudia asked.
Kimberlee waved her hand in distress. “I'm seeing the cycle. The man I was telling you about, Jack. He's my boss's best friend from way back. He's older, extremely successful, and handsome in a rugged, bushy-haired, broken-nose sort of way. When he first noticed my body, I got scared. I felt overwhelmed, like you said, Granddad. And I objectified him with ‘Lech.’ And I ignored him—that not-so-subtle form of emasculation. I think that's when he started objectifying me. And I objectified him in return: ‘Jerk,’ ‘Horndog,’ etcetera. And he became even less respectful.”
Her eyes widened again. “Grandmother—Claudia—are you implying that giving up emasculating men will prevent them from objectifying me?”
Burt was curious how Claudia would respond. He knew what he would say.
Claudia nodded, “For the most part, yes. If you are not using your assets to emasculate, he will naturally appreciate your beauty, sexuality, intellect, humor, needs, etc. If he can keep his power, he will not be overwhelmed by yours. He will not be triggered to objectify you.”
She added, intently, “And if he is triggered, the solution is to give him more power, not take it away.”
Karen held up a finger in a “Wait” signal and Burt watched her furiously scribbling. It tickled him that Claudia paused while Karen's note-taking was satisfied.
When finished, Karen said, “You said something disturbing: ‘the solution is to give him more power.’ What did you mean by that? Why would we want to give a man more power?”
Claudia sighed and patted Burt's shoulder. “Because the more power your partner has, the more power you both have.” Claudia said, smiling at him. She turned back to Karen, and Burt watched Kimberlee, who sat in rapt attention.
“Because if you give him enough power to handle you, he will not feel overwhelmed and need to steal yours through objectification.” Claudia concluded, “Because there is no alternative: men and women are going to both be powerful, or both be weak. That is how it works.”
Kimberlee gasped, her eyes wide yet again.
“Yes, dear?” Claudia asked.
Kimberlee looked from Claudia to Burt shyly. He nodded encouragement, feeling incredibly privileged to witness this conversation. Not merely a witness, he thought, I'm part of it!
“If I told the truth,” Kimberlee began, “every time I've emasculated a man, though I felt glee in the moment, it reinforced my own feelings of weakness. Since I always did it out of fear or frustration, that's what got magnified.”
Claudia nodded and briefly squeezed Kimberlee's hand. “Excellent observation. Emasculation leaves you both disempowered.”
His knees beginning to ache, Burt stood up. “It sounds as if objectification is as deadly as emasculation. I never thought of it that way before. It seemed a natural way to defend myself. But it sounds like it creates a vicious cycle.”
Claudia nodded again. “An excellent observation on your part too. I would love to talk to you more about that.” Looking at him meaningfully, she added gently, “Later.”
The signal was clear. “Thank you, Karen, Kimberlee.” He gave a slight bow. “It's been a pleasure being part of the discussion. Sweetheart, I'm getting some coffee. Do you care for any?”
They all declined and thanked him. He squeezed Claudia's shoulder and took his leave.
KAREN studied Kimberlee as Burt went inside. Compared to when they began their lessons only 10 days before, Kimberlee had less of the tough gal/scared rabbit look about her. That strange combination of offense and defense that many women have. She seemed calmer and happier. And more powerful; in a quiet not-needing-to-prove it way. She was infinitely more attractive and pleasant to be around.
Is that what happened to me when Claudia first came into my life? No wonder Mike couldn't resist me. It must be happening again, if last night is any indication…Sex for its own sake; not on demand to make a baby…
“Do you have any other questions?” Claudia brought Karen out of her reverie.
“I have another one on the same subject,” Kimberlee responded. “You and Granddad both used the word ‘overwhelming’ in reference to women's beauty and brains and whatnot. I don't understand that. What could be overwhelming about us?”
Karen had noticed that too and was glad Kimberlee brought it up.
Claudia shook her head ruefully. “Alas, my dears, this is one of the most important things women do not understand about men.”
Karen recognized that phrase from how many times it preceded mind-blowing information. She braced herself.
Earnestly, Claudia said, “Everything about women can overwhelm men. Because of how sensitive they are to women. Because of how fascinated and nurtured and enlivened and inspired they are by women. Because of how men need women.”
Karen gasped, “Men need women?”
Claudia nodded, “Men need women. They know it and most of them accept it. They are not working on getting over it. They are working on getting enough of us.”
Karen was stunned. Men need women? Mike needs me? She tried hard to never need him; it hadn't occurred to her that he might need her.
“You're talking about more than sex, right?” Karen asked.
“Of course,” Claudia replied emphatically. “That is merely the need that women are most aware of because men's persistence is obvious. But while it is sometimes their most urgent need, it is not always their greatest need. Tell me, Karen, does Mike ever try to have time with you? Outside of the bedroom?”
Karen had to think about it. “Yes, in funny ways though. Sometimes he wants me to sit next to him while he watches a college football game. It's silly though because he's not paying any attention to me. His eyes are on the big screen, even during the commercials. Or he wants me to go on a drive with him, even though he rarely talks.”
Kimberlee was nodding and Karen assumed she could relate. It reminded her that the fair-skinned beauty had
been married once.
Claudia was shaking her head again. “This is something I cannot fully explain with the limited understanding you have of men. For now, let me say that men are nurtured—literally fed energy— merely by being in the presence of a contented woman. They do not need to pay attention to her for it to matter that she is there. If she is happy, they are getting recharged.”
Looking from one to the other, Claudia added, “Even a young boy will care that his mother is on the premises, although he may seem oblivious to her.”
Karen turned to Kimberlee in amazement right as Kimberlee turned to her. Looking across the light of the candle, into each other's eyes, the differences in age, ethnicity and lifestyle fell away. We're the same, Karen thought. We have the same blind spots.
Kimberlee responded by reaching out and patting Karen's hand, as Claudia often did. Karen smiled and patted right back.
Karen took a deep breath and turned to Claudia, feeling safe in speaking for both of them. “Okay, we'll accept that explanation for now.”
Kimberlee nodded and prompted, “Would this be a good time to tell us what you mean, exactly, by ‘giving up the right to castrate men forever?’”
Claudia nodded and sipped her tea. Karen was comforted by the familiar way the older woman gathered her thoughts.
“Giving up the right to castrate men forever does not mean that you will never do it again. Besides a knee-jerk reaction to fear, frustration and pressure, it is an old habit. It will take some time to replace it with the Language of Heroes. And with confidence in getting your needs met.” Karen felt Claudia looking pointedly at her.
“It does mean you give up the practice of treating men as if they are misbehaving and deserve to be punished. It does mean you challenge the attitude that men's power must be limited for women to be safe.”
Claudia now looked specifically at Kimberlee. “It does not mean you give up the right to protect yourself.”
Kimberlee shook her head. “It's okay, Claudia. I see that emasculation never protects me.”
“Good,” Claudia nodded and continued, “It does mean that you will not justify having emasculated a man. When you catch yourself rationalizing your behavior, you stop. And you apologize.”
“How do you apologize?” Kimberlee interjected.
“That is a better question than you may think,” Claudia responded. “It is important to apologize simply and sincerely for your reaction. And drop it. If you go on and on, as with a child whose boo boos need to be kissed, that will be emasculating in another way. If you stop the behavior, apologize for it, and move on, he will recover himself. Men are enormously resilient. Though they are vulnerable, they are not fragile. It is important to respect that.”
“You're saying that the way women keep checking to see if someone's okay—that would be bad?” Karen asked, thinking of how they interacted with the children at school.
“Yes, Karen,” Claudia replied. “A girl-child or woman might think it ‘caring’ to check on them. To a man, even a boy, it is annoying and emasculating. It is a form of ‘mothering’ that makes a man feel five years old.”
Karen flipped back to her list of ways women emasculate and added “Mothering—treating like a five year old” to the list. It seemed fairly common. Both the girls and the teachers at school tended to mother the boys.
“What else should we know?” Kimberlee asked.
Claudia pursed her lips again and Karen waited with the pen poised above her paper.
“You do not have to personally think you have this right, to give it up. Our culture says you have it. That makes it a powerful declaration for anyone.”
“You said ‘declaration,’” Karen responded. “How exactly does one ‘Give up the right?’ Is it a paper we sign?” She joked, “A Declaration of Independence?”
Claudia smiled at her kindly. “In some ways it could be a declaration of independence: independence from the tyranny of the Perfect Person; independence from the need to punish and be righteous. Independence from the burden of policing men's behavior and trying to make them act like women.
“And, I imagine you could write it down. Since the written word is important to you. In my family, it has been a vow we spoke to the ones who went before us. I said it to my mother and grandmother,” Claudia finished.
Kimberlee raised her hand tentatively, as if in class. It made Karen smile.
“Yes, dear?” Claudia asked.
“Do we have to trust men to do this?” Kimberlee asked.
“Because while I'm warming up to them, I don't think I'm there yet.”
Claudia shook her head. Karen would have thought the opposite.
“No, dear. Trusting men is something that takes time. First you have to learn what they can be trusted for. Which I plan on teaching you. But that can only come after giving up the right. Which means there is faith and determination required.”
“Faith and determination?” Karen questioned.
“Yes,” Claudia said seriously. “It could be faith in yourself, faith in men, even faith in me. Faith in your ability to meet men on a level playing field. Both of you being powerful.” She added, “Even faith in feminine power, which you may have only experienced briefly.”
Claudia concluded, “And some determination to have a relationship with men based on being partners instead of enemies. Even though you do not yet know how.”
Kimberlee looked uncomfortable. “Yes?” Claudia asked.
“Um, I don't mean to be rude, or ungrateful. But it's obvious that this is extremely important to you. Will you tell us why?”
Claudia nodded, “I would be happy to. It will also explain something that Karen already knows only part of.”
“What's that?” Kimberlee asked, now eager.
“The women in our family have been studying men for twenty-five generations,” Claudia began. “Initially, we shared our findings, like the Language of Heroes, with others in the community. Nine generations ago, we formed our Covenant whereby we promised not to teach anyone outside the family. Even more than that, we promised to only teach a daughter whom they had personally raised.”
“Why?” Kimberlee interrupted.
“Because the other women used the language to manipulate men. The results were terrible.” The candlelight made Claudia's face look tragic.
“How so?” Karen prompted.
“With the traditional view of men as adversaries, ordinary women used the information we provided to manipulate and castrate men even more effectively. But it was not entirely their fault. They had never witnessed men and women honoring each other.”
Claudia shook her head sadly, “We became very cautious. On top of agreeing to only teach the young women who grew up in a household of partnership, they added the vow. So each recipient would promise to use the information for good, not ill. To strengthen partnerships, not wage war on men.”
“Grandmother, you know how I was raised,” Kimberlee said earnestly. “Do you think taking this vow will make up for the fact that I've only seen what you're talking about between you and Granddad?”
Karen held still while Claudia searched Kimberlee's face and then her own.
“I hope so.” Claudia was equally earnest and reached for both their hands. “The changes you have made already are encouraging. But I am betting on the vow and the courage it takes to make it. I am trusting your honor in upholding it. And your faith and dedication.”
“And this is required, right?” Kimberlee persisted.
Claudia nodded emphatically and sat back, releasing them. “The vow is the foundation of the Queen's Code. For my lessons to bring the love and satisfaction you are both seeking, you must start here. Otherwise you will only have more suffering and misery. I will not allow my knowledge to contribute to that.”
In the silence that followed, Karen was left with her thoughts and her notes. A breeze came up and the candlelight danced lightly across her paper.
“I give up the right to castrate men forever.
”
•
Doesn't mean I'll never do it again.
•
Gotta break the habit.
•
And gain confidence in getting my needs met
•
Does mean I won't justify punishing men
•
Does mean I hand their cajones back with an apology (without mothering)
•
Doesn't mean I give up the right to protect myself
While it was clear that miracles could be gained by making this commitment, the cost was high. Karen recognized it as one she'd had to pay before: letting go of Righteous Indignation. She remembered when she'd given up punishing Mike for all the behaviors driven by his Stage of Development. The rewards she'd reaped far out-weighed the shallow, bitter companionship of her anger and resentment.
“I'm ready,” Karen said and sighed.
KIMBERLEE looked searchingly into Claudia's eyes. She knew what her grandmother wanted most to hear. Can I do it?
Memories more than two decades old came unwelcome to the surface. She shuddered, feeling the fear and shame as if it were yesterday. She pulled her sweater closer, glad of the darkness surrounding them. Tears began down her cheeks. She felt them but didn't move to wipe them away. Claudia's compassionate eyes still held hers, even while the memories and emotions pressed upon her.
I am not that girl, she thought suddenly. I'm a grown woman. What would it be like to act like one? From partnership instead of fear?
“I don't know if I'll ever be completely ready,” Kimberlee managed to get out. “But I'm doing it anyway…”
She reached out and took her grandmother's hand in a firm grip. Looking determinedly into her eyes, Kimberlee said, “I give up the right to castrate men forever.”
A wave of warmth spread over her and around her. It felt like a cloak of the softest fibers, holding the vibrancy of fertile earth and fresh air, and the strength of deep oceans and majestic peaks. Is this feminine power? She wondered. It feels like home.
The Queen’s Code Page 11