Claudia concluded, “But for now, if you are willing, I know it would help Karen and Kimberlee to have a better idea of what sex provides for a man in general.”
Mike nodded and touched Karen's arm. “Is this okay with you, Babe?”
When Karen didn't answer right away, Kimberlee looked up. To her surprise, Karen was watching her and she blushed. She held still as Karen gazed thoughtfully into her eyes. She smiled tentatively, half hoping Karen would say “no.” But half hoping Karen would allow it.
Karen smiled and looked back at Mike. “Sure, Honey. Thank you for being willing to talk about it. If I had a chance to find out what sex provides for a man, any man, at Kimberlee's age, maybe we wouldn't be in this pickle.”
Kimberlee felt her face get hot. “Am I that pathetic?” she blurted.
“I didn't mean it that way, Kim. I've been married for nearly twenty years and I'm still mostly in the dark about sex. I think all women need to hear more about sex from men. Real men.”
Claudia looked at each of them. “Shall we?”
After they each nodded, Mike sat thoughtfully for a few long moments and then began. Since Kimberlee had no intention of speaking again, it wasn't hard to practice what Claudia had taught them about listening to men. She soon began writing furiously, not wanting to forget a word.
“Well,” Mike said, focusing on Claudia, “as a home-builder, I think of sex as different structural parts. Physically, the act of sex fills a need, a hunger, a distracting ache that grows unbearable over time. The hunger grows more slowly as I get older, taking days instead of hours, but it's still a strong physical need, a yearning, to feel Karen … frankly, to be inside of her.”
He paused for a sip of water. “There is also the release that happens with climax. When all the tension that's built up in my body over time floods out of me, leaving my body spent and relaxed. Like someone pushed a reset button.”
Claudia nodded encouragement. Kimberlee tried not to fidget but her body was responding in surprisingly stirring ways to Mike's candid description. She watched him through lowered lashes.
He continued, “I can't prove it but I'd swear intercourse supplies essential nutrients that can't be found in any food or beverage. It gives me the fuel to be a man; to be protective and to provide for Karen. Without it, I am inevitably emasculated.”
“Emotionally, sex is the one time — besides watching a great race — when I can let go.” He took Karen's hand. “I don't have to be careful or conceal myself. I'm not on guard. I can be vulnerable and it's okay.”
He looked directly at Karen, “When these small, soft hands touch my shoulders, my back, my face, I'm moved beyond words.”
He turned back to Claudia and stated simply, “When she gives herself to me, I melt. As I hold her and feel her holding me — all of me — I'm safe. I can be.”
Kimberlee looked up as Mike reached over and gently lifted off the tear sliding down Karen's cheek. She smiled at him and he scooted his chair closer. Kimberlee's heart took a little leap. When he looked back at Claudia, she nodded for him to continue.
Mike shrugged, “I don't know if most men could or would talk about the spiritual side of sex, but they sometimes allude to it. The older I get, the more significant the spiritual aspect becomes. As I said, the physical part is not as urgent as it used to be, even though it's still absolutely essential. But the emotional and spiritual parts, which blend together, are more important than ever.”
He paused and looked at Karen, “Which means that what I get out of sex depends more and more on my ability to make Karen happy in bed.”
Kimberlee glanced up. Karen looked pained but smiled through it.
“I know you said I should be more explicit later, and I will. But I think Kimberlee needs to know this.”
Kimberlee's stomach clenched then eased as Mike clarified, “I wish every woman knew it.”
He sighed. “Almost everything great about sex depends on Karen feeling secure with me and letting herself experience my love for her in this way. When she surrenders to me and lets me give her pleasure, my entire spirit is altered. I'm lifted to another dimension. The boundaries blur. I flow into her and sometimes I feel her flowing into me. Afterwards, the connection I feel to her nurtures me for days. Truly. I'm not exaggerating.”
Kimberlee was stunned. She had nothing in her own sexual experience to validate Mike's comments. And yet she knew, in the core of her being, that what he'd expressed was true for more than him. WOW, she thought. For the first time, sex seemed more than a dreaded predicament that inevitably complicated a relationship or ended one.
Mike placed both hands on the table. “That's what sex provides for me. All that. There is no substitute. Nothing even comes close.”
KAREN wept quietly, having given up all attempts to keep it together. What a tumble of emotions, she thought, sadness, regret, gratitude, hope, even desire. No wonder Claudia wanted this information shared. She had no doubt that her teacher knew from long study and experience the kinds of things Mike would say.
“I'm sorry I didn't know that,” she said, looking deeply into Mike's eyes.
“You didn't?” he asked, amazed. “Isn't it the same for you?”
She shook her head. “Not exactly like that. But to be honest, I've never thought sex was the same for you as for me. I thought my experience of sex was all those things — physical, emotional and spiritual. I thought sex was merely physical for you. And fun.”
Mike laughed. “I forgot to mention fun. It's great fun. I can't think of anything ‘funner.’” He grew serious, “You mean it, don't you? You thought it meant less to me?”
“Yes,” she acknowledged, regretting the hurt in his face. “I'm sorry. I would have been more enthusiastic, even when I didn't feel like it, if I'd known it meant all that to you.”
Karen felt tingles down her arms as it dawned on her. She looked at Claudia with amazement. “That's what you're talking about, isn't it? Me having sex with Mike for what it will provide for him. Not caring whether I want to or not.”
Claudia smiled and nodded. “That is it, dear. And vice versa for him getting to provide for you. Would you be willing to tell Mike what sex provides for you?”
Karen's stomach lurched. She looked at Mike, who smiled hopefully. She glanced at Kimberlee, who resembled a deer in headlights. She thought about her commitment to her marriage. And she thought about her longing to teach Claudia's information to other women. If she couldn't talk about sex in front of this group, what chance did she have to contribute to others? Suck it up.
“Okay,” she sighed. “I'll have a go at it. Is it okay if I try doing it in Mike's categories?”
“I think that is a great idea. It might help you to see the differences and the similarities in your experiences,” Claudia said.
Karen took a deep breath. It wasn't enough to calm her. She tried another and began. “The hunger Mike spoke about I only experience when I'm ovulating. But it doesn't last long; maybe a day and a half. If sex doesn't happen during that time, the desire fades back to nothing, except when I feel an urge, to a lesser degree, the day before my period starts. Both times, this desire feels like being a ‘bitch in heat,’ to be a little graphic. Mike walks by and I catch myself checking out his crotch. That's how I can always tell I'm ovulating, even without taking my temperature.”
She glanced quickly at Kimberlee and Mike and refocused on Claudia, who somehow felt safer to talk to.
“If we did have sex during that time — which was unlikely — I didn't need or want foreplay. If Mike tried to be all romantic and touchy and tender, I'd get impatient. I'd be thinking, ‘Give it to me!’ The ‘it’ was his ejaculation. That's all my body wanted. And when it got it, I felt calm again.”
Karen now looked over at Mike to see how he was taking this in. She didn't dare look at Kimberlee.
He smiled at her ruefully and joked, “Now it's my turn to say ‘I didn't know.’ Especially that last part. If I'd known what you were after,
I could have provided it without delay!”
He said more seriously, “But, I'm curious. You said it wasn't likely that we'd have sex when you were ovulating. You were taking the pill. We weren't using the rhythm method. I don't understand why we didn't have sex.”
Karen had to laugh. “Maybe because of the ‘bitch’ part. I'm not exactly attractive. The need my body has for sex has a way of turning you off almost every time.”
Mike looked guilty. “Oh, now I know what you mean. That's the sex on demand that happened even before we were trying to get pregnant. Yeah, it's a real turn off.”
Karen nodded. “I've been doomed. When I most need to have sex, when I have the most physical desire, is when I'm least likely to get it. It's made me resentful. But I see no way out.”
She was surprised when Mike brightened. “What?” she asked.
“I have an idea,” he said with enthusiasm. “How about you tell me when you're having those desperate needs and I'll rescue you. I could charge in on my white horse, with my sword drawn, so to speak!” His eyes dancing mischievously.
Karen heard Claudia chuckle and saw Kimberlee's cheeks darken as she kept her eyes on her notes. Karen shook her head with a smile. “Are you telling me that this notion of ‘providing’ could solve this too?”
Mike nodded, “Why not? I'm all over providing. I'm a king now, remember?”
Karen loved this. “Okay, I accept — gratefully. And to practice what Burt told me: What do you need from me to provide what I need?” She added, hastily, “Or should you tell me in private?”
Mike shook his head. “It's pretty simple. Tell me when it's one of those two days for you. I only need to be informed and I'll do my duty.” He grinned. “Duty may be way last century, but as a man it's still quite a motivator.”
Claudia nodded and spoke for the first time. “That is probably why men tried to motivate women with it, even in the area of sex. But we are not built the same, which means ‘duty’ does not have quite the same freedom in it for women as for men.”
Karen was intrigued and it seemed Kimberlee was too. “Freedom? Can you say more about that?” she asked.
Claudia shook her head. “I can see why you would want to know more — when I use the words ‘duty’ and ‘freedom’ in the same sentence. More on that another time.”
Karen chose to honor Claudia's agenda and brought the question back to her real concern. “Mike, you're saying that you ‘rescuing me’ from my ‘desperate need’ as a duty will be different than the demand you've felt in the past that was such a turnoff?”
Mike nodded. “Absolutely. In the past I've reacted to this weird, distasteful demand put on me. Now I can see it in the context of being a hero and a provider. That changes everything. It makes it an opportunity to take care of you.”
Karen felt herself choke up. She had barely begun saying what sex provided for her and already they had solved a big problem.
“Claudia, can I go on? If saying that little could change that much, I want to keep sharing what sex provides for me.”
Claudia nodded. “Please do. You have barely scratched the surface.”
Karen looked over at Kimberlee. She felt pity for the younger woman, who looked so sullen, and wondered what caused this conversation to be painful for her.
“I was talking about what sex provides for me physically and only addressed the simplest part,” she began. “I want Mike to know what else happens for me.”
Mike squeezed her hand, “As Claudia said, ‘Please do!’”
“I don't know if you can understand this, Mike, since you are such a physical being — from your construction work to your fitness routine to your appreciation of beauty in all physical forms.”
“Try me,” he said.
Karen glanced at Claudia and Kimberlee and focused on Mike. She sighed. “The easiest way to say it is that sex makes me physical. When you touch me for an extended length of time, I get in my body. I inhabit it in a way that I don't usually. I am embodied — instead of having a body that I dress and drag around. Inch by inch, caress by caress, tingle by tingle, my body wakes up and becomes alive and vital.”
She gulped. “You make me aware of my body in a good way. You make me feel beautiful.”
Mike grinned at her, “Cool. You are beautiful.”
Kimberlee still kept her head down, ostensibly focused on her notes. For this next part, Karen was grateful. “There's this other thing. When you're inside of me, every time I'm surprised at how it feels. I'm whole, I'm home.”
Karen shook her head. “And the darndest thing is that I can never remember that feeling for more than a few minutes afterwards. If I did, you'd never be lacking for sex.”
She laughed. “On the other hand, if I could remember it, you might not have time to work!”
“I'd be willing to explore that,” Mike teased.
Karen smiled and made herself continue. “I think I've blurred the lines between the physical, emotional and spiritual. But I can't help it. Sex only remains physical when I'm ‘in heat.’ At any other time, the three domains flow together in a blend that's never the same.”
Claudia nodded in encouragement. “Is there anything else that sex provides?”
Karen sorted through her private and even-more-private thoughts. Finally, she said, “Each act contributes its own dimension to sex. But I'd rather talk about that privately. I will say that kissing — lots and lots of kissing — makes sex the most personal for me and the most exciting.”
She frowned and searched for the words. “I know women are supposedly more articulate than men but I'm struggling to distinguish between the spiritual and the emotional. The way sex makes me physical seems to bring my spirit to Earth. I can be kinder, wiser, and more generous when I'm having sex regularly. I feel more feminine and youthful, more silly and more serene. Sex makes me more myself.”
She glanced over at a smiling Mike. “Guess that's worth providing, huh?”
Mike squeezed her hand, “Heck yeah!”
CLAUDIA reveled in what was being shared by Karen and Mike, as her heart ached for the obviously suffering Kimberlee, sitting stiffly in her chair. She knew her granddaughter, the daughter of her heart, would be mortified if asked to share her personal experience of sex. Claudia decided to take the conversation in a new direction.
“I want to talk about sex beyond the individual,” she began. “I want to explore, if you are willing, the impact of sex on your union.”
“What do you mean?” Mike asked.
“Each of you has shared what sex provides for you as an individual. And for that, sex is worth having more often than your bodies compel you. But sex is the physical representation of the spiritual bond that can grow between two people. And not only a representation — the actual expression.”
Now Karen's interest was piqued. “What do you mean by ‘expression’?”
Claudia warmed to one of her favorite subjects. “Think about it this way: Human beings are a duality of the spiritual and the physical. A spiritual experience of communication and intimacy will almost immediately translate into a physical desire to be close. The spiritual experience can even make it feel uncomfortable to not be close. This is why an expression of love brings on an impulsive hug or a kiss. Or we may feel compelled to sit close for our bodies to touch, or to take another's hand. The physical affection is an expression of spiritual intimacy. It expresses it and gives it a sense of wholeness, of completion.”
Karen interjected, “That's it. That's what I was trying to say earlier. I never thought of it as spiritual. When Mike and I are physically united, it feels right. The separation has ended.”
Claudia smiled. “And it can work in reverse as well. Which is another reason I encourage couples to have sex more often than their physical desire is telling them to. The physical union can reestablish the spiritual connection. It can heal it.”
At the word “heal,” Claudia noticed Kimberlee's narrow shoulders tighten even more. She thought, We have got
to wrassle this alligator to the ground. Tonight!
“I think we have covered enough for now,” she added with a wink to Karen and Mike. “And while the evening is cooling off, it seems to be heating up as well. Could we four reconvene Saturday to finish this conversation?”
Karen chuckled at her innuendo and asked politely, “You want Mike to come again?”
Claudia turned to Mike, “If you are willing, there are several things I still want to go over. I call it Sex from Beginning to End. There are six pieces of information couples need to exchange to ensure a satisfying sexual experience every time. Karen could relay them to you, but I think it helps to get your perspective.” She glanced purposefully at Kimberlee's studiously downturned head. “Again, if you are willing. We could meet in the afternoon.”
Mike nodded in understanding. “I'd be happy to. Around two?”
As they all began to rise, Claudia reached out and grasped Kimberlee's hand. “I am going to see Mike and Karen to the door. But I need to discuss something with you. Will you wait for me?”
Kimberlee nodded, barely looking up. She mumbled, as she sat back down, “Bye Karen. Bye Mike. Thanks for everything.”
Karen patted Kimberlee's shoulder as she walked by, giving her an affectionate squeeze. Kimberlee looked miserable as she sat hunched in the magnificent chair her grandfather had carved especially for her. She currently bore little resemblance to the glorious woman in the “future portrait” Burt had carved on the seat back.
Claudia made fresh coffee for Kimberlee and put water on for tea. She reorganized the mugs, tea, cream, sugar and honey on the tray, buying time to organize her thoughts. She had consciously avoided this topic for more than twenty years, all the while looking for — hoping for — an opening that had never materialized. Now she was taking the proverbial bull by the horns and hoped she would not regret it. As Claudia left the kitchen, she added a box of tissues to her tray.
She found Kimberlee as miserable as she had left her; hunched over in her chair, staring numbly at her notes, wrapping her sweater tightly around her. After setting down the tray, Claudia cleared her throat.
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