He began to thrash on the bed, kicking at the mattress and yanking on his hair as he continued to wail. I had no choice but to try and subdue him before he could hurt himself. I quickly climbed on top of him, straddling his waist as he bucked against me. I grabbed his arms as he swung at me, scratching my chest and leaving angry red welts along the surface of my skin. I barely felt the pain though as I latched onto his wrists and held them above his head, pressing them firmly into the mattress so he couldn’t move.
“It’s your fault! It’s all your fault, you son of a bitch. You took him from me and I hate you! I hate you!” he shouted. His face, which had been twisted in anger, suddenly crumpled before me and he quit fighting me as his screams turned into heart-wrenching sobs.
My heart shattered at the sound of his anguish and I leaned down, kissing his face and whispering in his ear, my tears mixing with his own. “Zach, it’s me, Jeremy. I’m right here, baby. You’re safe. No one’s going to hurt you,” I repeated over and over.
Eventually, my words started to break through. “Jeremy?” he gasped.
“Yeah, baby. I’m right here,” I breathed out. Relief flowed through my veins. My forehead rested against his and he began to relax beneath me. “I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again, Zach. I promise.”
I pulled my head away from his, so I could look into his gorgeous blue eyes and my heart ached when I saw the raw pain in their depths. Fresh tears welled up in his eyes and spilled over, trickling down his temples and wetting his hair. A broken sob escaped his lips as he stared back at me.
“M-m-my na-name isn’t Zach. It’s Zane,” he stuttered. His words were so quiet, so filled with anguish that I almost didn’t hear them. My heart, which had finally begun to settle, started hammering against my ribs at his admission and I felt lightheaded.
“I’m s-sorry. I wa-wasn’t trying to b-be dishonest with you.” Regret and shame contorted his features and he turned his face away. My heart shattered into a million pieces as guilt reared its ugly head at me. I was the last person he should apologize to for withholding the truth.
“Baby, look at me, please,” I begged. When he refused to turn his head, I reached out and gently grasped his chin, turning it for him. “You don’t have to apologize to me. You’ve done nothing wrong. We all have our reasons for keeping secrets sometimes.”
His bottom lip quivered, but he met my gaze. I held still as he searched my face, knowing that he wouldn’t find a trace of doubt in my eyes. I loved him and regardless of what he had or hadn’t told me about himself, I would continue to love him. Finally, I felt his muscles relax beneath me and mine eased in response.
“Will you tell me, baby? About your nightmare, about what happened to you?” Several seconds passed before he slowly nodded his head. I breathed out a sigh of relief.
I knew I had to be crushing him, so I rolled off, pulling him with me until he was snuggled up against me with his arm over my stomach and his head on my chest. I reached over and switched off the light, figuring it might make whatever he had to tell me easier if it was said in the dark. Then I wrapped my arms around him and waited. I could practically hear his mind swirling as he gathered his thoughts.
“I was only eleven years old when my mother killed herself. I used to hear my parents fighting in the middle of the night. It scared me the first time I heard my father slapping my mother, followed by the sounds of her crying. He’d never done anything like that before, at least not that I knew of. They always seemed to get along. I don’t know what changed or why, but suddenly that one fight turned into a regular occurrence.”
He let out a shaky sigh, and I felt his warm breath brush over my skin. “Eventually, I guess she’d had enough and couldn’t see any way out other than to swallow an entire bottle of pills. We buried her three days later. After her funeral, my father went to his room and didn’t come out for over a week.” In the darkness, he audibly swallowed around his emotions. He was silent for several moments and I rubbed soothing circles over his back, reminding him that I was right there with him and he was safe.
“I told you before that I had a younger brother. His name was Isaac and he was only a year younger than me. He’d always looked up to me, as I suppose most younger brothers do, but I admired him just as much. Isaac was a sweet kid, very affectionate and kind. He never drove me crazy like some of my classmates complained about with their younger siblings. He always saw the good in people and went out of his way to help others, even as a child. He was heartbroken after Mom died, and we tried everything we could think of to coax Dad out of his room, offering him food or to run him a bath. But it was like he hadn’t even heard us talking to him.
“I could see the toll it was taking on Isaac. He’d just lost his mother and then his father had basically disappeared. It was too much for him to carry on his young shoulders. He was still just a kid and he was lost and scared. I tried my best to keep things as normal as possible for him, making him dinner and keeping the house clean, but I knew it wasn’t the same.” I kept quiet, knowing he needed to get it all out, but one question kept filtering through my mind. Who was there to take care of him?
“Then one night, everything changed again. Isaac and I were eating in the kitchen and talking about how we’d have to go to the store soon for food because we were almost out. Isaac looked so sad when he said he was hungry for mashed potatoes. They’d always been his favorite food and Mom would make them special, just for him. I knew he was missing her and I wanted to cheer him up, so I told him I’d buy the stuff to make them, even though I knew they probably wouldn’t turn out as good as Mom’s.” He pulled in a shuddering breath and I tightened my arms around him.
“I never heard Dad, never knew he’d even come out of his room. The next thing I knew, he yanked me up out of my chair and smacked me across the face. It hurt, bad, but I was mostly in shock. Even though Dad had hit Mom several times, he’d never laid a hand on either of us. He was a terrible husband, but he’d always been a good dad. He coached my little league games and would play catch with us after he got home from work. Suddenly, he had turned into an angry monster who I no longer recognized,” he whispered.
“Dad stayed out of his room after that, but he was never a parent again. He started drinking all the time and we learned very quickly that he was the meanest kind of drunk. This went on for years, with Dad getting drunk out of his mind and then using his fists on us for no reason at all.
“I tried my best to protect Isaac, to step in front of him so he wouldn’t get hurt when Dad went off on one of his rampages. Isaac fought me on it, saying he didn’t want to see me get hurt any more than I wanted that for him, but it was my job as his older brother to make sure he was as safe as possible. I couldn’t always be there and the times that I wasn’t, I would worry sick about him. Isaac was so much more than a brother to me. He was my best friend, the only one who knew what it was really like, living in that house.”
“Was there anyone else who knew what was going on? An aunt or uncle maybe or a grandparent?” I interrupted.
He shook his head against me. “My parents were both only children and their parents didn’t want them to get married so they severed all ties when they decided to elope. Even when he was drunk, Dad was always careful to never leave any bruises where someone might see, and we were both too scared to tell, so no teachers or any of my coaches ever found out,” he explained.
“We were in high school when Dad finally lost his job. He’d missed too many days when he was too drunk to go in, so he told the two of us to go out and find jobs. We were exhausted all the time, but at least working together at the local pizza place got us out of the house and out of our father’s line of fire. I was on the soccer team and my coach said I was pretty good at it. So, I made a plan in my head that I’d get a full ride to some college to play on their team. I’d stay at home until Isaac graduated, then we’d both get an apartment and take classes together,” he said, his voice heavy with sadness over a dream which had obviousl
y been lost along the way.
He went on to tell me about some of the more vicious attacks his dad had made on him, with him taking the brunt of most of them in order to protect his younger brother. I mentally checked off several of the injuries listed in Zane’s file and I knew that I’d definitely found the man that Micah had sent me to find. My stomach seized at all the pain and horror that he’d been through at such an early age; betrayed by a person who was supposed to love and protect him. I longed to be able to go back in time and save him from ever having to experience any of it.
“Then, one night, Dad came storming into my room. I’d been sound asleep, but my bedroom door slamming against the wall jarred me awake. I was disoriented, and it was dark, so I couldn’t see what was going on. I smelled the whiskey on his foul breath and the stench of his unwashed body right before something hard slammed into my chest and I felt my ribs crack. I was stunned by the pain, so he was able to get several hits in with the wooden bat before I could even think to cover myself. He went to Isaac’s room next, but I couldn’t do anything to stop him. There was a blinding hot pain in my side every time I tried to breathe.” He began to shake in my arms and I turned us, so we were lying on our sides, facing each other.
I clenched my jaw and tried to school my features. He didn’t need to see how furious I was. Not only was his father an utter piece of shit, but his mother had deliberately chosen to remove herself from an abusive situation while leaving her two young sons defenseless against the same monster who had tormented her.
There wasn’t anything I could do about his mother, but I was already planning on hunting down his father. I bit down on the inside of my cheek to keep myself from smiling at the thought of inflicting all the same wounds on the man as he had on his sons. Then I’d turn him over to the police, so he could spend the rest of his miserable life in prison. That would all have to wait though. Zach…Zane, I corrected myself, needed me right now and I wouldn’t let him down. He’d had enough of that in his life.
“Why don’t we stop, baby? I can’t stand seeing you so upset,” Jeremy pleaded. I could see the worry in his green eyes.
“No, I need to finish this. Just hold onto me, please,” I pleaded.
I didn’t care that I sounded like I was begging. Being in Jeremy’s strong arms made me feel safe in a way I never had before. Like nothing and no one could hurt me when I was with him. With Jeremy, I didn’t always have to be the strong one. I was counting on that strength to help me through the next part of my story; the part that had finally broken me.
“I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere,” he promised. He folded two of our hands together and brought them in between us while his other arm slid around my back, holding me tightly. I took a deep breath and continued.
“Later that night, I made Isaac promise me that if things ever got that bad again that he’d run and not stop until he was somewhere safe. He started to cry and insisted that he could never leave me, but I had to know that he’d be alright no matter what. That was all that mattered to me. I told him that I’d get away too and I’d find him. He finally agreed, but I could tell he didn’t want to. I didn’t care though. It was the only way I could guarantee his safety, and I knew he wouldn’t break his promise to me, so I made him do it.” My fingers dug into the back of Jeremy’s hand as I squeezed harder, but he didn’t seem to mind.
“I graduated and while the beatings continued, they were never as bad as that one night. I got the scholarship I’d worked for at a state school, but I made up an excuse and convinced them to hold my spot for a year. There was no way I was going to leave Isaac alone with our father. That summer was one of the roughest with our father. We tried to stay out of the house as much as possible.
“We worked as many shifts as we could, taking the tips that our father didn’t know about and saving them for the apartment we would get near the college. Still, Dad would be waiting for us every night as soon as we walked in the door. After every beating, I’d take Isaac into the bathroom and while we tended to each other’s wounds, we’d talk about the place we would get together. We talked about silly things, like what color we would paint the walls or how we would take turns cooking each night; anything, just to remind us that there was an end in sight, that we would eventually find some peace.” I closed my eyes as I remembered the dreams we’d had, dreams that had never come true.
“Summer ended, and Isaac started his senior year of high school. About a month later, Isaac didn’t have school one day because of some holiday or something. We tried to pick up a shift at work, but it was slow, and our boss didn’t need us at work, so we both ended up stuck at home for the day. Dad was sleeping off a bender from the night before and Isaac and I were trying to be as quiet as possible, so we wouldn’t wake him.”
An involuntary shudder coursed through my body as the memories of that horrific night flashed through my mind. The sounds, the smells, the burning pain throughout my body. All of it came flooding in again and it was just as overwhelming as the night Jeremy had gotten in that fight. My stomach churned, and I pinched my lips together, breathing through my nose to keep myself from throwing up. Jeremy pressed a kiss to my forehead, reminding me that I was no longer in that place, that I was safe with him.
“I was washing dishes and I went to hand a plate to Isaac for him to dry, but it slipped through his fingers and crashed to the floor. I knew what was about to happen and that we only had a matter of seconds to get out of the house, so I shoved Isaac towards the door. I was right on his heels, but rough hands grabbed at me and pulled me backwards, throwing me onto the floor. I’d never seen Dad’s face so purple or his eyes so black, so completely devoid of humanity. It was like looking into the eyes of the devil himself.
“He started wailing on me, hitting me over and over again with his big, meaty fists. I fought back as much as I could, but there was no stopping him when he was like that. I started to crawl away, and Isaac jumped on his back. I was equally proud of my brother and terrified for him, especially when I saw my father throw him across the room.
“Dad grabbed me again and started punching me in the face. He’d never hit us anywhere that wouldn’t be concealed by our clothes. The dead look in my father’s eyes that day, combined with the fact that he didn’t care where he was hitting me…I knew then that he didn’t plan on stopping. He’d keep going until he killed me. I had to get Isaac out of there.” A muffled sound escaped Jeremy’s throat just then and his hands gripped me almost painfully, but he stayed quiet, letting me finish.
“I could feel my bones breaking and blood ran down the back of my throat, choking me. More blood dripped into my eyes when I turned my head to search for Isaac. He was slumped against the cabinet and ice ran through my veins at the thought of him being seriously injured and me being unable to help him. Then he lifted his head, and through my relief, I screamed at him to run. Tears were running down his face, but he gave me a determined look as he shook his head no. He scrambled to his feet and jumped on Dad’s back again, trying to get him off of me. I couldn’t let Dad turn his attention on my brother though, so I screamed at Isaac again, reminding him that he’d promised me.”
I was crying hard at that point. Tears flowed in a continuous stream and I sucked in wheezing gasps of air as my throat tightened. Remembering that day was excruciating, but I knew I had to get it all out. I was exhausted from keeping it bottled up for all those years and I needed to purge it from my soul. Sweat broke out over my brow, but I pushed on.
“I watched my brother’s heart break right there in that kitchen. I knew he didn’t want to go. He was afraid to leave me there with our father. I wanted to go with him. More than anything, I wanted to go with him and get us both somewhere safe, but I was in no condition to run and I could feel myself growing weaker from the blood loss.
“I could see the battle that waged inside him, the fear and the indecision as he stared back at me with eyes the same shape and color as my own. It was probably only a couple of seconds, b
ut it felt like time slowed down as we stared at each other. Everything we’d been through, the love we felt for each other and the promises we’d made, it was all there in that one look. I saw the second he made his decision and I sagged in relief. Isaac would hold true to his promise and he’d run. I remember smiling, even as my father roared above me and his face came flying towards my face.
“I blacked out after that and I don’t remember anything until I woke up in the hospital. The nurse told me that someone had found me, lying unconscious outside the emergency room doors. I’d undergone multiple surgeries and they’d had to reconstruct most of my face.” I reached up and ran a finger over the raised skin by my eye. A visible reminder of my past. “They weren’t able to fix all the damage though.”
Jeremy pulled my hand up and brushed a kiss over my knuckles. “Shhh. You’re perfect,” he assured me. I tried to smile, but it probably came out more like a grimace. I was exhausted, but I still had the worst part to get through.
“I never told the doctors or nurses what happened. I didn’t know if Isaac got away before I blacked out and I couldn’t risk my dad finding out I’d told if there was a chance he still had my brother. I left the hospital as soon as they removed the bandages, a month after they’d found me. I had no idea where Isaac was, and I needed to look for him. I went back to our house first, just in case he was still there. If he was, I’d sneak him out of there and if he wasn’t, then I’d move heaven and earth to find him, just like I’d promised.” Fresh tears filled my eyes and I tried to hold back the sob that threatened to burst from my chest.
“I was sneaking around in the bushes, peering through each of the windows in search of my brother. That’s when Mrs. Sheldon, our elderly neighbor, came outside. She’d seen me out there and didn’t recognize me, so she came to investigate before she called the cops. She seemed surprised when I told her who I was, but then her eyes filled with sorrow. She t-told…” I stuttered, trying to force the words out. “Sh-she t-told m-me that I-Isaac was d-dead.” My heart splintered apart, just as it had all those years ago and I buried my face in Jeremy’s neck, crying harder than I had in seven years.
Found_Hamilton's Heroes series Page 13