I’d never been to an EDM show. Atom’s expression reminded me of a little kid who knew he was getting away with something naughty. We were his puppets and he liked it. He was a little god up there, ordering an assault on the crowd’s senses, removed from us but controlling our every move. If he bounced, we bounced; if he waved his arms, we waved back. Just as the song’s tension ratcheted up as high as it could, it went plunging down into the drop. The crowd went insane.
Lucas stood behind me with his hands on my hips, completely mesmerized, until Ray, probably the only person in the place not into the show, came over and tapped him. Lucas nodded and motioned toward the lobby so I knew where he was going. Lisette followed them. I kept dancing and caught Beckett’s glance a couple of times. I liked the way he moved: smooth and restrained, not flashy. Mandy and Malcolm passed a water bottle back and forth. Even Pem was upbeat.
I worked up the courage to go to Beckett. I braced myself for a scathing comment, but instead when he leaned down to talk into my ear he asked, “You like it?”
I nodded, relieved he didn’t hate me. I gestured for him to bend down again. “Totally. I just think it’s funny how pleased he is with himself up there, all untouchable.”
“What do you mean?”
“When we perform, it’s more of a collaboration with the audience. Even though we’re manipulating them in a way, it’s not so blatant.”
“Yeah, but don’t you like the way this feels? For me it’s hard to get lost in other bands’ music because I’m always analyzing. This is so different, I can just go along for the ride.”
We’d stopped dancing to carry on this conversation. I could imagine how strange it looked—the only people standing still in a sea of writhing bodies, our heads glued together. So when Lucas tapped my arm, I stepped back from Beckett like I’d been caught doing something wrong.
“Let’s go outside.” Lucas’s expression was neutral. “Ray can buy us drinks.”
I followed him out to a bar area, where Ray and Lisette sat on stools. We could still hear the music pulsing from inside. “What were you guys talking about?” Lucas handed me a red plastic cup. I took a sip. Rum and coke.
I didn’t get a chance to answer, because Mandy, Beckett, Malcolm, and Pem came out of the theater. “Hey, we need to talk about the stunt you guys pulled onstage today,” Beckett said. Uh-oh. Here it was. “We don’t want attention directed at Lucas any more than it already has been. If you want him on tour, that’s your call, but you can’t bring him onstage.”
Letting Beckett down stung in a different way than disappointing Pem. Though the latter wasn’t pleasant, at least I could partly attribute it to his sparkling personality.
“Man, it was just a quick hello. It’s not like I came out and break-danced,” Lucas said.
Malcolm snorted. “That would actually have been more interesting.”
Lucas flipped him off.
“The Lucas Rivers Corporation and Melbourne are two things that should never go together,” Pem said. “Like socks and sports sandals or kilts and underwear, you know what I mean?” He stared at us.
There was no point in trying to justify what happened. “I’m truly sorry,” I said. “These jerks I went to high school with were pushing up on the barricade and I was already so nervous. I just needed a reset button.”
“You need to figure out a different one,” Beckett said.
“It did the job, didn’t it? She got the pressure off and took a minute. Personally I think it was brilliant.” Lucas was defending me, but he was also using me to annoy my bandmates. I had to shut this conversation down.
“It won’t happen again. Chalk it up to first-hometown-show jitters,” I said.
“Those people were not good to her,” Mandy added.
“Yeah, what was up with the signs?” Malcolm asked.
“Trying to bring Chelsea back down to size,” Mandy said. Her eyes lost focus. God, she was really drunk. I grabbed the water bottle out of her hand and dumped it in the trash. She didn’t even notice. Whatever was in there, it definitely wasn’t water. “Maybe they realized that they’re going to peak in high school and that she’s just getting started.”
“Anyway, let’s move on.” I glared at Mandy, then glanced around as if someone from our school might overhear her.
It was quiet for a moment. Lucas had been toying with a sugar packet on the bar and gave it a light toss onto the floor. “Hey, Chelsea. I dropped a little bit of you on the floor.”
It took me a minute but then I got it. “Awwww,” I said at the same time as everyone else either groaned or laughed condescendingly. In these moments, I totally understood why the Melbourne guys found Lucas disingenuous. He lived for theatrical moments, sometimes to the point of being cringe-worthy. Occupational hazard, I supposed.
“And why am I reading all this crap about you recording a solo album?” Pem asked.
“I don’t know. I just heard about it today.” I hadn’t seen the stories myself, but everyone kept asking about it. No real person had been quoted, only “a source close to the Melbourne camp.”
“Oh, that was me.” We all turned to stare. Lisette waved and smiled like she was getting an award. “It makes you seem like you have more game.”
“No one gave you permission to do that!” I snapped. Lisette got under my skin on our best days. Like Ray, she had trouble with boundaries when it came to Lucas.
“Relax.” Lucas tugged on my shirt. “She thought it would add more intrigue to your story.”
“I don’t care! That wasn’t her call to make.” Everyone was watching me unravel, but I was past worrying about it.
Lucas patted my hand, which came off as totally patronizing. Lisette shot me a self-satisfied smile. I couldn’t believe Lucas would overlook her stepping out of line like that. He turned back to her and Ray.
Later, as we stood up to go back in, I had a chance to talk to Beckett without everyone overhearing. I asked him why he’d skipped “Parietals.”
He looked at me intently. “It seems like you have baggage with that song, and I didn’t want to make coming home worse for you.”
I was momentarily speechless. Beckett was too observant. “Thank you.” Words were so inadequate sometimes.
He kept looking at me like he could see right into me. “Anytime.”
I reached up and gave him a hug, which was bold, since we hadn’t been close lately. He slid an arm around me but pulled away when he noticed Lucas staring at us.
—
The next morning we arrived in Columbus. And just when I should have been able to breathe a sigh of relief, Mandy barged onto our bus. Everyone else was still asleep. “I need to talk to you,” she whispered. “I screwed up.”
This wasn’t going to be good. Mandy was jittery, all over the place. “What happened?” I asked.
“I had sex last night.” She wouldn’t look me in the eye.
“With Oscar? Why’s that bad?” I mean, I knew it was against Pem’s rules, but come on.
She rolled her eyes. “No. He’s too obedient. Only groupies and hangers-on for him.” She leaned forward. “I slept with Malcolm.”
“Oh.” Slightly bigger deal. “Was it…I mean, are you glad?” I was wide-awake now.
“I threw myself at him. That much I remember.”
I knew Malcolm well enough to know he wasn’t going to turn that down. “Malcolm’s not going to say anything. Even if he did, I don’t think Pem’s worried about onetime hookups.”
Mandy bit her lip. “Are you sure?”
I wasn’t sure. I was only saying what seemed reasonable to me. But what was reasonable to me and reasonable to Pem were often in two totally different neighborhoods. “Definitely. So are you happy?”
“If I’d known it’d be that easy, I would have gotten less drunk so I could remember more. I feel like I wasted my one shot.” Mandy smiled.
“Did you use protection?”
Mandy gave me a hug. “Of course. No offense, but I’m not an
idiot.”
—
When Lucas finally woke, he only spoke in monosyllables. He was upset with me for not sticking up for him with the band.
“I thought you’d be in a great mood today,” I said, slipping onto his lap. Chicago was our next stop, and his childhood friend was coming to see us play Lollapalooza. He’d meet up with us right as Lisette returned to LA. Lucas needed people around to entertain him; otherwise he got bored. I was excited to spend the day running around the grounds seeing all the bands I loved.
“I am. Just tired.” He pushed me away and stood up. Okay then.
—
On my way to sound check, Mandy pulled me aside. “We did it again. He said he didn’t realize it was my first time until it was too late and that he felt bad. So I asked him if he was offering a re-do and the next thing you know…” By the way she was smiling, I didn’t have to ask how it went.
I shook my head. “You’re pushing it.” If Mandy and Malcolm couldn’t keep their hands off each other, Pem was definitely going to blow up.
“Can you believe he was such a gentleman?”
I snorted. I was positive those words had never been used to describe Malcolm Ho.
I continued down the hall. “You had your fun, but now you better cut the crap.”
Mandy laughed, but I was worried.
—
After the show, I found Lucas and Ray in the production office playing cards. Lucas still looked pissy. “Were we that bad?” I joked, even though I knew he hadn’t watched the show.
“Funny,” Lucas said.
“Well, I can’t think of another reason you’d be so cranky.”
“It’s because I know, Chelsea.”
I looked around the room as if I’d find some clue hanging about. “Know what?”
“That you’re not a virgin,” he said.
Thanks, Mandy. “So? Are you?”
“No. I just thought the reason we weren’t sleeping together was because you hadn’t, and now I feel like you just don’t like me enough.”
“It’s not that. I just don’t know you well enough.” This wasn’t entirely true, but it was as much as I was willing to say in front of Ray.
“You might not have specifically said that you were, but you definitely gave me that impression. A lot.” Lucas shuffled the deck.
“Great. I’m so glad we shared this lovely moment with Ray.” I slammed out of the office. I knew when my mother mentioned Mike that Lucas would only be able to contain his curiosity for so long. Exactly one person on this tour knew that story, and she was probably in a closet somewhere with Malcolm. When our buses met up in Chicago, I expected Mandy to do some serious groveling.
31
As soon as I woke up in Chicago, I charged onto the other bus. Nobody was up. I went into the sleeping compartment to drag Mandy out of bed. She wasn’t there. I reached into Malcolm’s bunk and jiggled him awake. “What the fuck?” he whispered.
“Get up, right now.” I went to the front and waited for him, but when the doors opened moments later, Beckett came out. “Hey. Looking for Mandy,” I said.
“She’s having a meeting with Sam, Pem, and Rob,” Beckett said. “Pem wants to fire her.”
Sam had flown in to go over the final details of the cosmetics contract with me. I’m sure my dumb best friend was the last thing he wanted to deal with. “What? For what?”
Beckett gave me a look that made it clear that everyone knew how Mandy and Malcolm had been entertaining themselves lately. Malcolm finally came through the doors. “This is all your fault!” I glared at him.
“Not hardly.” Malcolm stifled a bored yawn.
“Pem can’t fire you, so he’s using her to make a point.”
“We all think Pem’s rule is totally unrealistic and unnecessary. But if I go to bat for her, he’s going to get even more pissed, because he’ll think it means I love her and that the band will implode. You should talk to him, though.” Malcolm finally had the decency to look somewhat concerned.
Perfect. Just as I wanted to kill Mandy, I now had to come to her rescue. I turned to Beckett. “What should I say?”
Malcolm snorted. “Don’t ask him. He’s the reason we’re in this predicament.”
Beckett looked away. I wanted to know, but I also didn’t want to know. “Where are they?” I asked.
“Probably in a production office, but the festival area is huge. Just wait for them to get back,” Beckett said.
All the bands parked in the same lot, and it was starting to come alive. Everyone was in high spirits as they jumped on different band buses to say hi. Touring could be isolating; you got sick of seeing the same handful of faces day in and day out. The bus lot was like the coolest neighborhood block party you’ve ever been to. When Beckett and Malcolm emerged, they went looking for their friends.
Of course, I had no friends in other bands, so I waited for Mandy, growing more and more desperate for information. Rob was the first one to come back. He shook his head when he saw me. “Dude, it’s bad. Pem wants her gone tomorrow.”
“Why’s he being so insane about this? It was a onetime thing.” Well, two-time thing. I followed him onto the bus.
“He’s mad because I’ve been putting all this time into training her. For real, she’s smart. She could assistant-tour-manage for me next time, but Pem thinks that Malcolm will break her heart, she won’t be able to deal, and she’ll go work for some other band. Then our investment is in the crapper, which I agree would be total bullshit.”
I groaned. When you broke down Pem’s madness, it wasn’t always as wildly off as it seemed at first glance.
Rob got a beer and sat down. He wasn’t a big drinker and never drank while he was working, so I knew this situation was spiraling out of control. “As a bonus it took two hours and Sam translating to understand the exact nature of Pem’s problem.”
Mandy came onto the bus, and her face crumpled as soon as she saw me.
“You’re not done yet. You need to set up the merch tent,” Rob said.
She looked so pitiful that I almost forgot I was mad at her. “Will you come with?” she asked.
I sat next to her as she counted in T-shirts, hoodies, shorts, and sweatpants. “So?” I asked.
“So, the whole thing is majorly unfair. Pem’s such a tyrant. You can’t let them fire me. I stuck by you when the whole school ostracized you.” Her half-baked thoughts tumbled right out of her mouth. She’d never held what happened with Mike over my head before.
“I’ll talk to them, but Rob doesn’t seem optimistic,” I said.
“Chelsea, I swear it won’t happen again. It was a momentary indiscretion.”
Two momentary indiscretions, I thought. “Speaking of indiscretion. What’s up with telling Lucas about Mike Malloy?”
Mandy looked confused. “I did? When?”
I knew her well enough to know that she wasn’t faking. “I don’t know. Must have been the same night you decided to do the other stupid thing you did.”
“What did he say?”
“He feels like I’ve been lying to him and that he’s been tortured into celibacy for no reason.”
“I’m sure this is a first for him,” Mandy said. I snorted. “What? Personally I think you’re insane. He’s hot. And rich. And, oh yeah, one of the biggest movie stars out there.”
“Ew. That’s so not the point. I just don’t want to do something I’ll regret again.”
“Well. Good luck with that.” Mandy turned away to fold T-shirts.
“You got yourself into this situation. Don’t take it out on me.” I knew she was in a bad place, but I didn’t think I was crazy to expect a little remorse from her.
“Please, just talk to them,” she pleaded.
“Since when have they ever listened to me? How did they leave it with you?”
“They’re going to decide after Canada. If you beg, they’ll have to keep me.”
She was all too willing to overestimate my influence. Anything sh
ort of threatening to strike (and ending my own career) and I’d be lucky to even get a word in. Pem was so hardheaded, once his mind was made up it was impossible to get through to him. “I’ll do my best.”
—
Our slot was later in the day on the main stage, but we weren’t headlining. Beckett was in a great mood. “This is our chance to steal fans. We’re not headliners, people aren’t here for us, but that doesn’t mean we can’t win them over. Let’s come with everything we have.”
His competitiveness would have been contagious if it wasn’t directly offset by Pem’s misery. “Festivals are the worst. Porta-potties suck, the sound is horrible, if you’re not headlining you’re dead weight.”
“Uh, but Beckett said—”
“Just don’t even go there. Yin and yang. Have you learned nothing?” Malcolm asked.
Pem didn’t even have time to comment on the Mandy situation, which was a bad sign. When I tried to talk to him he said, “Not today. I just need to get out of here.”
I went back to our bus to meet Lucas’s friend Derek. They were in the lounge, smoking pot and playing video games. “Say hi to Derek,” Lucas said.
“Nice to meet you,” I said.
“ ’Sup,” Derek said. I instantly disliked him.
They were best friends growing up in Akron, and Lucas sometimes flew Derek out to LA for long stretches when he wasn’t filming. I didn’t get the sense they had that much in common. After they finished getting stoned out of their minds, they were ready to see some shows. They wanted to go without Ray as a babysitter, so we were all incognito in hats and dark glasses.
As the day went on, the grounds filled up until it felt like every direction we tried to walk in was the exact wrong one. We were constantly swimming upstream. “I should get back,” I said. Melbourne had a signing right before our set.
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