Finding a Comfortable Balance
Finding a comfort zone with control is never easy. It requires that we have realistic confidence in our capabilities but can respect that others are competent as well, even when they have different ideas or goals.
Relinquishing control requires that we trust the people or organizations we have joined and accept that we won’t always be able to influence the outcome of everything that is important to us. Being comfortable with loosening our grip often means asking others for help and acknowledging a dependency instead of just operating as if we can get everything we need by ourselves. It also means being able to risk conflict, which could occur when competing interests arise, and establishing our own value with the expectation that power and control can be shared. Problems with control almost always involve the despair that comes from having too little control or the antagonism that develops when we aren’t comfortable sharing control with others.
Too Little Control
When we feel that we have no control, we are susceptible to learned helplessness and depression. The more we dwell on the things that seem out of control, the more helpless we become. Fighting to keep or take back control is only possible if you understand the beliefs that are holding you back. Consider these questions:
What is being asked of you that you are afraid of?
Do you doubt your ability to know what is best for yourself? If so, have you ever taken the lead in a similar situation and done it well? Why is this time different?
Who stands to gain if you stay in a passive position?
What is the worst thing that could happen if you decide to take a stronger stance?
Are you afraid that this will lead to conflict?
Are you afraid you will be rejected if you don’t give in?
Does standing up for yourself turn you into someone you despise?
Too Much Control
When we fight to take control, we are often being ruled by irrational anxiety or narcissistic defenses. Our need to make things happen exactly the way we envision shows that we haven’t been able to trust that different ideas and approaches can improve our lives. Instead of justifying why your way is always better, consider these questions:
Are you assuming that you always know what is best for yourself and everyone else?
Are you worried about losing your power if you allow yourself to include others in the decision-making process?
Will you lose or gain respect by allowing others to take a more active part?
What’s the worst thing that could happen if you trust someone to do something you think is important?
Do you always have to count on yourself to get what you need?
Are you setting yourself up for disappointment and heartache if you let yourself need something that has to be offered or volunteered?
What are you missing by not letting anyone get close enough that you can depend on them?
Managing our need to take control is a two-edged sword. When we overreact to a threatening situation and get into full survival-tactics mode, our intensity and aggression hurt those we care about. When we allow self-doubt to rouse our anxiety, we abdicate control and become too dependent on others to take over for us. When we believe that we have no control over a difficult situation, we may give up altogether and become depressed.
A Thoughtful Response
In a thoughtful approach, we are able to acknowledge the aggression or anxiety that has been stimulated. Once you regain your equilibrium, take a closer look at the goal you were pursuing in order to understand its importance. Take time to acknowledge if your feelings were sparked by interrupted efficacy or a challenge to personal freedom, or if you are facing a situation that has raised self-doubt or helplessness. Ask yourself if your perception of the event has been clouded by splitting or entitlement and whether you are afraid to engage in a potential conflict over control. Only when you are sure that your interpretation of events is truly based in the moment can you judge the course of action that is in your best interest.
End-of-Chapter Exercise: Challenging Entitlement
The need to come out ahead is often fueled by narcissistic tendencies. In your journal or notebook, rate how often you think in the following ways in your relationships at work and home.
At work, I (always, sometimes, rarely)…
am uncomfortable when others are recognized or promoted.
have high expectations of people who report to me.
tend to judge people quickly.
do best with a hand-picked team.
can’t stand incompetence.
am more comfortable giving than taking orders.
am confident in my decision making.
would rather stand alone than be grouped with people who are inferior.
believe second place isn’t good enough.
believe competition weeds out those who don’t belong.
If you answered “always” to most of these questions, it’s time to take a hard look at the way you interact with others on the job. When we think that we are smarter and more capable than those around us, we end up acting in ways that are dismissive and disrespectful. Organizations thrive on group cohesion and tend not to condone arrogant or exploitative behavior. Taking control in order to meet your own goals may feel like the most comfortable way of operating at work, but it will lead to interpersonal problems and errors that could easily have been prevented.
At home, I (always, sometimes, rarely)…
think I am the force that gets the important things done in my family.
believe if people followed my instructions, things would work out much better.
can come up with a solution to any problem.
have a strong will.
know what’s best.
have high expectations for myself.
can charm or influence others to go my way.
find it difficult to compromise.
have no empathy for people who make excuses.
If you answered “always” to most of these questions, take a moment to consider how these traits may be causing resentment and conflict in your family relationships. You may know what works best for you, but the people you love are just as unique as you are. Allowing others to be different may seem like a forced compromise at first, but it will bring tremendous rewards and enrich your life. Best of all, the climate in your home will relax as people start working in a more collaborative fashion.
Section 3
The Context
It is impossible to list every event or situation that might cause you to overreact. As much as we share genetic wiring that programs us to perceive and react to danger, the specific events that trigger you to overreact incorporate the emotional memories, schemas, and sensitivities that are unique to you. The mix of genetic, family, cultural, and environmental factors that shaped your personality and beliefs is one of a kind.
In chapters 10 and 11, you will be introduced to the stories of people who have been put in difficult positions at work and at home. If you find yourself identifying with their situations, response patterns, or underlying beliefs, take a moment to make a note of it in your journal or notebook. Often we learn about ourselves by understanding how things work for others. There are no exercises at the ends of these chapters. As a general practice, keep your notebook handy as you read these chapters and think about your own experiences at work and home. If you encounter a story or situation that you relate to, write down the themes and feelings you have experienced.
Chapter 10
Challenges at Work
Although most of us would like to believe that work is about logic and performance, there are a host of potential triggers that can cause us to emotionally unravel in that environment. Envy, rejection, criticism, and loss of control are powerful triggers and exist in almost all work situations. Even though the context may be completely different, the schemas and emotional memories that were created in the context of family and school are frequently and easily
revived. Whether you implode or explode, an emotional overreaction can compromise your job performance and affect important relationships. Until you understand the triggers and beliefs that work behind the scenes, it will be difficult to manage reactions and decisions in a way that supports your success and well-being.
Costly Explosions
While not everyone reacts to stressful situations by getting enraged, most of us have lost our temper at one time or another. Every company or work setting has its own culture and informal rules about proper conduct, but many workplaces will not tolerate an employee who treats another employee or client with disrespect. An emotional explosion at work can be extremely costly to your reputation and credibility. In certain environments, it can even lead to termination.
Paul’s Story
Paul described himself as a perfectionist, but his high expectations often got in his way. Despite graduating medical school with top grades, he had floundered in his residency program and been forced to accept a position in a teaching hospital that he felt was beneath him. He didn’t mind the interns that had been assigned to him but felt that the nursing staff was of a lower quality than the competent, self-assured professionals he had been exposed to during his medical training. The one who really annoyed him was Samantha, a soft-spoken woman who had worked at the hospital for almost forty years. While most of the staff seemed to value her experience and calm demeanor, Paul found himself constantly irritated by how slowly she walked and responded to questions. One day, Paul asked Samantha to retrieve a chart that he believed he had left on the rack outside a patient’s room. Within minutes, Paul started to tap his foot in impatience, but Samantha was nowhere to be seen. When she finally turned the corner with a bedpan instead of the missing chart, Paul exploded. He screamed that she was an incompetent fool who should be fired. Instead, it was Paul who almost lost his job.
Paul had a tendency to judge others as either being like him and therefore worthy of respect or below him and undeserving. Too often, he based his appraisal on superficial attributes or just a feeling of being in sync. Samantha’s relaxed nature contrasted with his type A fast-paced style and led Paul to completely discredit her.
Furthermore, Samantha’s casual attitude had activated an old schema of Paul’s in which people who should have been appreciative of his energy and quick thinking had, in fact, been completely unimpressed. Samantha’s calm, steady ways reflected an air of self-confidence that challenged Paul’s need to be in control. Without the protective shield of power-determined respect, Paul felt threatened that she might turn the tables on him and expose his lack of experience. Rather than be the one who made the decisions, he would be the one answering to her. Somehow, her years of experience on the unit made him feel like an outsider who was not always welcome.
At the moment that Samantha came into his view with a bedpan instead of a chart, Paul’s “all bad” drawer flew open. Rather than accept the flicker of self-doubt that he had erred and misplaced the chart, he jumped to the assumption that Samantha had been incapable of finding it. His unprocessed fury at being linked with mediocrity took over. Instead of wondering what had happened, he judged Samantha as being incompetent. Paul felt diminished through association and powerless to make the unit run the way he thought a top-notch unit should. At that moment, Samantha represented all the inadequacies and shortcomings that had made him rank the entire hospital as less prestigious than the one at which he had failed to receive an appointment. Having to put up with incompetent people like Samantha felt like an unfair punishment for his own shortcomings, and his disappointment in his own failings was directed entirely at her.
Denial prevented Paul from recognizing Samantha’s established strengths and experience. Projection led Paul to see Samantha as the one who was incompetent. If Paul had not been overwhelmed by splitting, he might have been able to give Samantha the benefit of the doubt and learn the facts before reacting. He would have discovered that she had worked efficiently to try to locate the missing chart that was not, despite what he thought, on the rack by that or any other patient’s door. Samantha had resigned herself to another one of Paul’s rapidly reached conclusions that frequently led to errors and had taken advantage of the return to the nursing station to perform a duty that was outside of her job description but important for patient care and efficiency on the unit—a decision that was beyond the comprehension of this inexperienced, self-aggrandizing young physician.
Righting a Wrong
Perhaps you, like Paul, sometimes feel like something important to you has been taken away. Paul’s black-and-white thinking led him to believe that hospitals were either wonderful or terrible and that being associated with a less prestigious organization meant that he was a loser. If Paul had been capable of noticing the tension in his body every time he walked through the doors or his intense physical reaction to Samantha, he might have been able to alert himself to an impending predicament. If he could have asked himself what he was feeling, he could have identified feeling deprived of what he felt he was entitled to, resentful about being perceived by others as being inferior, and enraged by not having control over the team he depended on. How different it might have been if Paul understood his tendency to split and flood and could challenge his thinking pattern when he noticed himself beginning to feel intolerant, indignant, or compromised. If Paul had learned to read his physical response to triggers, he would have recognized his rapid heartbeat and racing thoughts as warning signals that could have signaled to him that he should calm down before speaking. Without this self-knowledge, the brain chemistry aroused in Paul’s amygdala caused him to assert himself in order to dominate but shut down the neural connections to the thinking parts of his brain that would have allowed him to challenge his perceptions and save his job.
Entitlement
Paul’s predicament was also created by narcissistic tendencies and the entitlement that goes along with them. If work was only about accomplishments, then narcissism might actually be a good thing. To surpass goals, a narcissist will work long hours, take on challenges that seem daunting to others, and come up with creative solutions in order to beat the competition. However, there is a downside that can be as damaging to the work environment as it is to personal relationships.
Paul’s need to establish his superiority may have pushed him to strive for high standards, which could be helpful at times, but it certainly didn’t help him develop team skills. Even if you own your own company, narcissistic tendencies can still cause serious problems. If you tend to judge others too quickly, you may end up with simplistic categories for those coworkers you trust and those you for whom you have no respect. Your intolerance of incompetence may lead you to overreact to simple mistakes, damaging the confidence of employees who might have considerable talent and potential. When employees feel used rather than supported, their goodwill and commitment to your organization will dry up.
If you are not the boss, then things are even more problematic. Narcissistic defenses can make us view our own accomplishments in a one-sided way. Research has shown that narcissistic employees often feel entitled to promotions and rewards that they may not deserve (Judge, LePine, and Rich 2006; Penney and Spector 2002). Their efforts to succeed personally may come at the expense of others and may not even be in the best interests of the company. Whether you work by yourself or are part of a large organization, a narcissistic drive for perfection makes you extremely sensitive to failure and more likely to blame others when things don’t go well.
Costly Implosions
Some of us have learned too well that it is better not to rock the boat. There are times when this is a strength, particularly when others are so emotionally charged that they are not capable of a thoughtful dialogue. But there are also times that we are simply not ready to challenge the situation, and so we try to avoid confronting the problem.
Burnout
Many of us use the word “burnout” to describe a state of dread about a job we wish we could quit. Th
e thought of having to generate enough energy and enthusiasm to get through the week seems impossible, and we complain to others that we feel depleted, unappreciated, and unrewarded. Usually, there are specific incidents that have made us angry or upset, but instead of believing that the problem can be identified and corrected, we have shut those feelings down. Perhaps without even knowing why, we have given in to helplessness and hopelessness.
Ruth’s Story
Ruth could see things at work going from bad to worse, but she decided to go to counseling the day she found herself watching the clock from the moment she first arrived, in a countdown to quitting time. She had to force herself back into the building after her lunch break and realized that she had taken more sick days in the previous month than she had in the six years she had worked there. In therapy, Ruth was asked to pinpoint the time when her attitude toward work started to change. She remembered that before her company merged, she had actually loved her job. She liked her projects and enjoyed working with her team. Her boss, Sandy, was demanding but fair and had helped her get a promotion just before the merger was announced. After the merger, her job description changed, and she was assigned to a different floor and reporting structure. Instead of having her own office with a window that provided plenty of sunshine for her plants, she had a small desk in a workstation that afforded little privacy and no exposure to the outside world.
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