Andy knows that he has started to see things from a negative perspective when he makes self-defeating critiques of all his plans. It starts with a feeling of being lost or confused. Instead of feeling that he is engaged in the moment and moving forward with an idea or a plan, it feels like he is stuck and spinning around. In the background, he is aware of negative beliefs like “You never had the discipline to write out a business plan the right way before. What makes you think you can do it now?” He thinks about what needs to get done and believes that he doesn’t have the skills he should have acquired by now. This style of beating himself up for his inadequacies starts with an inability to focus and a sense that he is drifting from idea to idea instead of making progress. He has too many thoughts and a vague sense of being overwhelmed. Some of those thoughts are about things he would rather be doing and distractions that might feel like a better use of time. Only after staying with a thought long enough to register it can Andy recognize that he is sending himself highly critical messages. When Andy does a body scan, he realizes that his stomach is in knots and his heart is beating more quickly than it normally does. After he works on calming down, Andy can see how the anxiety made him feel disorganized, confused, and overwhelmed. When he feels calm, he can allow himself to focus on one project and set a realistic goal for what could be accomplished in that period of time. Andy left knowing that he had to put more emphasis on the body scan and on trying exercises to reduce tension as soon as he notices it. It also helped Andy to know that when he is calm again, he is able to focus and the negative thinking disappears.
Subdue Emotional Memories
Although I strongly believe that we can learn from the past, the experience of being flooded by emotional memories is neither educational nor helpful. In many ways it is more similar to opening Pandora’s box. Pandora is a character in Greek mythology who was given many gifts by the gods, including a box that she was instructed not to open. She became curious one day and decided to open the lid. Suddenly, all of the evils, diseases, and burdens that had never existed in the world before were released.
In chapter 5, I explained how certain schemas are stored in the “all good” or “all bad” drawer of our mental filing cabinets. Once a folder has been opened, there is the potential for all the other emotional memories related to the underlying schema to become reactivated. To make matters worse, folders that have similar themes can also be stirred up, so that hundreds of unprocessed painful emotional experiences can jump into a situation that is already stressful enough.
I have advised my clients that it is wiser to close Pandora’s box. I tell them that they have a choice: to let these emotional memories overtake the moment or to decide to put them back in the box. In the next chapter, we will look at helpful ways to work with emotional memories, but in the middle of an episode where you are splitting and flooding, it is best to put them back in the box and close the lid.
One way to accomplish this is to create a mantra that helps you stop registering past incidents. A simple phrase that helps you focus on what’s happening in the moment can be a powerful reminder. One man I recently worked with discovered that the phrase “Stick with the story” reminded him to close the Pandora’s box that held his accumulated resentments. A woman who was fighting to undo the influence of a difficult childhood chose to say to herself, “This isn’t who I want to be.” This was all she needed to say to be reminded of the self she wished to become. Perhaps one of these mantras will connect with you. If not, take a moment when you are calm to write down one sentence that will be powerful enough to stop you in your tracks when old emotional memories start to invade the moment. If you can do this, it’s amazing how much clearer you will be, enabling you to move on to the next steps.
Create Options
When we are overwhelmed by emotional memories and unhelpful defenses, our belief system is heavily influenced by schemas of other situations that didn’t turn out well. Without realizing it, we may be narrowing the field to exclude alternatives and options that would allow things to move in an entirely different direction. There are things that we can do to reverse this process.
Don’t Brood
A thoughtful approach is one that integrates beliefs, thoughts, and feelings but does not allow the focus to shift to rumination. When your thoughts keep returning to a problem, your amygdala will keep firing (Bushman 2002). Because this part of your brain is primed to help you act in order to get yourself out of danger, brooding just keeps the sense of danger constantly with you. This creates a vicious cycle that keeps you hypervigilant and emotionally stressed.
Many people who ruminate have traits that psychologists label as neuroticism. Neuroticism leads people to construe events in negative ways, be more hesitant to make important decisions, feel uncomfortable with uncertainty, and take longer periods of time to respond to troubling situations (Phelps and LeDoux 2005; Suls and Martin 2005). Whether this trait is acquired through genetics, family dynamics, life events, or some combination isn’t fully understood, but researchers do know that allowing this pattern to dominate your personality leads to heightened episodes of anxiety and helplessness (Hirsh and Inzlicht 2008). If you see yourself as carrying these traits, it is time to confront yourself and challenge responses that were acquired in childhood. Your brain is capable of opening new pathways if you will only give yourself the chance. When Drs. Rebecca Ray and Kevin Ochsner (Ray et al. 2005) instructed ruminators to stop brooding about a threatening situation in order to pay attention to the next task, they switched gears easily, giving their emotional network a chance to calm down. Within minutes, they were completely focused on the task at hand and responding just like the research subjects who did not have neurotic tendencies.
Keep Goals in Sight
Research has shown that we are better able to control our impulses when the part of our brain that holds long-term goals is kept active (Cyders and Smith 2008; Grawe 2007; Moses and Barlow 2006). When disturbing emotions erupt, we need all the help we can find to make sure that our responses will be thoughtful or purposeful. Our ability to remind ourselves of what is truly important is a strong antidote for impulses that are entirely based on unprocessed emotions. The power of the future will be discussed more fully in chapter 13, but your ability to hold on to the awareness of the positive parts of your life is very important.
Telling yourself how you ought to feel or reciting what you think you should believe is not the same thing, and it doesn’t seem to work. When people who don’t feel good about themselves are told to give themselves a pep talk and say things like “I can succeed” or “I am worthy of love,” it often backfires and makes them feel worse. However, being able to hold the memory or belief of a time when you felt very capable or very secure reminds you that things can turn out that way again. In the same way, reminding yourself of something that you believe you can achieve in the immediate future helps you steer your expectations away from negative thinking. I have found this to be helpful for the clients I work with. Being able to shift focus from old emotional pains to present or future opportunities helps shake the sense of being overwhelmed that is generated when we lose our sense of efficacy and succumb to helplessness.
Use Props
One technique that can help you shift focus in this way is to create a symbol that represents your most important goal. While mantras can be used for this purpose, it is also possible to carry or wear an item that helps you focus on what you really want. I worked with a successful businessman whose marriage was in shambles. He discovered that looking at his wedding band helped him remember that his wife would simply not tolerate any more abuse and that keeping his family intact was the most important thing in the world to him. A woman who was working on controlling her temper around her child found that wearing a bracelet her child had made for her in kindergarten reminded her of how badly she wanted to keep their relationship based on love and caring. The symbolic object you choose is not intended to become a good luck charm or to hold magical
powers, but feeling it or seeing it can remind you of your most important goals.
Use Reinforcements
Many people who are working on major changes find that daily meetings help them keep their goals in perspective. This is true for many people who benefit from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA) and also for people who draw their strength from a religious or spiritual affiliation. Frequent shared affirmation of goals that you believe in helps keep those goals in sight what you encounter a setback or challenge. Just acknowledging your goals is enough to reconnect the pathways in your brain that loosen the amygdala’s grip.
Change the Ending
Neural imaging studies have highlighted the importance of how we think about the situations we face. Negative emotions such as fear and anger that start in the amygdala can be quieted when the situation is appraised from a different perspective. If you dwell on the problem and ruminate about all its negative aspects, the activity in your amygdala will continue at full force. But there are mental exercises that help shift the focus and allow an entirely different part of your brain to take over. To test this out, Drs. Rebecca Ray and Kevin Ochsner, and their associates at Stanford University (Ray et al. 2005) showed people pictures of stressful events such as an impending car accident. When the research subjects were told to imagine that scenario happening to them or to someone they loved, they became very upset. However, when researchers instructed them to think of a positive outcome or a way to make it better, the left prefrontal area of the brain was activated and the amygdala calmed down. Challenging negative expectations changes the way we feel and creates the emotional energy we need to turn things around. It seems that when we take a proactive stance and focus on what is doable instead of on impending harm, our brain works in ways that help us calm down.
Reach Out
Many therapists believe that the circuits between the thinking and feeling parts of our brain can be strengthened through close relationships (Fishbane 2007; Schore and Schore 2008; Siegel and Hartzell 2003). Unhelpful defense mechanisms surge when we feel abandoned and diminish when we feel secure. Connecting with the people who care about you can help you get through emotional storms and can provide long-lasting benefits as well. Research and clinical practice suggest that what you really need is an opportunity to restore your sense of security so that you can regain your emotional equilibrium. As children we benefit from being soothed and reassured, and we never really outgrow the relief that comes from knowing that we’re not alone.
When you turn to others for help, there are a number of ways you can approach them to get what you need. Too often, we sabotage ourselves when trying to get what we truly need. When we reach out to others and ask them to help us solve a problem, we are using our left brain to engage another person’s left brain. That person might respond by presenting ideas and solutions without even noticing the emotional distress underlying the question. At the end of that kind of exchange, our need for security may have been only partially met or not met at all, leading to additional emotional distress. If we try to take control and use our power to make sure other people give us what we need, we often cause our loved ones to pull away. Our intensity and power tactics rarely create empathic or caring responses. When we don’t realize that the way we have requested comfort has sabotaged the response, it’s easy to conclude that people are withholding or uncaring. Even worse, we may have stimulated additional emotional memories of times when other people we turned to for comfort were not willing to supply it to us. Too often, the extra disappointment leads to more emotional distress, and we may end up unleashing our frustration on people we love.
Instead, we need to focus on an approach that allows us to communicate what we need in a way that is open and respectful. When you reach out, start by telling the person that something upsetting has happened to you and that it would be really helpful if he could give you a few minutes of support. Ask this person if this is a good time to talk or if he is in the middle of something else. A person who is preoccupied with an interrupted task won’t be able to focus on you, and that may come across as being dismissive. It’s better to make a plan to talk at a time that will allow you to get what you really need.
If someone is able to speak with you, explain that you’re not looking for advice on how to handle the problem but that you’re feeling overwhelmed or upset. You can also help steer the conversation in the right way by saying that you would feel better knowing that someone is there for you or that right now you just need a physical or emotional hug. Often, knowing that someone is there to listen and assure you that you are cared about is enough to take the sting away. If there is no one in your life right now who can be there for you, consider joining a group or reaching out to a therapist. The connections you build may make all the difference in learning to manage overwhelming emotions.
Knee-Jerk vs. Thoughtful Responses
Overreactions begin with a knee-jerk response to a specific trigger that we may not even recognize at the time. If something about the situation causes us to experience a sense of danger or injury, then our brain circuitry bypasses reflection and springs right into action. Often the trigger has unleashed tacit beliefs and expectations that lead us to evaluate things as being far more extreme than they truly are. If anxiety activates splitting and flooding, then the situation becomes more intolerable and we are inundated with painful emotional memories that add to the intensity of the moment.
In contrast, thoughtful reactions can only occur when we are able to acknowledge and reflect on all of the important ingredients: the trigger, the beliefs that have shaped our interpretation, and the emotional state that has been aroused. To do this, start with an understanding of how different emotional states feel. Attune yourself to the changes in your body that occur when the amygdala responds to perceived danger. Understanding that your body is in a state of high arousal, you can turn to one of the exercises you know will help you regain emotional equilibrium. You can picture your brain, name your feeling state, or use breathing techniques, guided imagery, or mantras to lessen the grip of intense emotions. You can also evaluate your general condition and remind yourself to proceed with caution if you are tired, run-down, or under too much stress.
As you return to the moment, focus on your inner experience in order to differentiate whether you are experiencing envy, humiliation, rejection, betrayal, helplessness, or something else. Rather than run from an emotional state, stay focused in order to clarify your internal experience. The process of thoughtful reflection will open up your brain circuits so that your energy won’t be caught up maintaining a state of high arousal.
Assess your thoughts to see if you are splitting (seeing things as being one-sided) or flooding (having a surge of memories of similar situations). Ask if you have taken the time to get a full perspective or if you might be jumping to conclusions. If there is evidence of this, pause to recognize just how one-sided your thoughts and feelings are.
Ask yourself if you fully understand the event that has triggered your response. More often than not, it will be another example of a theme you have identified in previous chapters of this book. It is extremely important to identify this theme, for it is almost always connected to an emotional memory that is adding to the intensity of the situation.
In a thoughtful approach, you’ll recognize the power of your beliefs and know how important it is to free yourself from old scenarios that may have nothing to do with the present. Remember Pandora’s box and choose to put those memories away so that they can’t add to your pain in the moment. Also challenge any negative expectations based on these memories and instead remind yourself that it can often be more important to focus on the present and future.
When you feel bombarded by feelings you don’t comprehend, make time to talk out or write out your thoughts so that you can identify your internal experience. However, you need to make sure that your efforts to understand your feelings don’t lead to obsessing about the details or ruminating about the
situation. Brooding will only make it worse, and your time is better spent challenging a perspective that may be perpetuating the negative spin. Turn to people who care about you for support and encouragement and choose to use your free time doing something that will help you feel restored and cared about.
Knee-jerk reactions originate in the amygdala and are fueled by schemas, expectations, and memories that complicate and intensify your response. If your anxiety activates splitting and flooding, then your reaction becomes even more intense. When you put your energy into restoring your emotional equilibrium, you are empowering yourself to become calmer and more grounded. Only when you are certain that you have moved out of emotional arousal and have regained a balanced perspective can you trust that your reaction is safe—for you and for those you care about.
End-of-Chapter Exercise: Neurotic Tendencies
While no one wants to be labeled neurotic, our genetic predispositions, early childhood experiences, and acquired beliefs can create vulnerabilities that make us more emotionally sensitive than we need to be. One way to remedy this involves exploring and challenging our relationships with anxiety.
Part 1
Are these experiences almost always, often, or rarely true for you?
I worry that I won’t do things correctly.
It is hard for me to relax without taking drugs or alcohol.
I second-guess myself after I’ve decided to buy something or have committed to a plan.
I have more doubts and worries than other people seem to have.
People describe me as being moody.
Stop Overreacting Page 16