Removing the Burden of Shame or Personal Failure
Making peace with the past also requires us to deal with our own stored memories of personal failure. Often the shame and anger we hold on to are based entirely on conclusions that were formed through the lens of childhood. Children frequently get caught up in issues that more appropriately belong to their parents. For example, it is not uncommon for a mother who despises a particular quality in her partner to rage at her son when he does something that suggests the same trait. The boy might feel confused and perhaps unfairly attacked but will also absorb a full dose of shame. While an adult might challenge the attack or even blow it off, a child would probably believe that his mother is right, even if she is being unfair. Because children need to preserve a loving bond with their parents, it would be easier for him to swallow the resentment and take the anger out on himself.
Although the shame and anger can remain buried for a long time, these feelings can be revived in full force when a similar situation evokes that emotional memory. Should that occur, a childlike state of helplessness, resentment, and despair will quickly follow.
On bad days, we might simply allow verdicts that sealed a sense of failure to stand uncontested, but on a day that we are ready to challenge the past, we can choose to fight. One strategy involves revisiting childhood pain from an adult perspective. Rather than accepting the judgments that have been passed down, you can empower your child-self to reexamine the situation. In many ways, this is like announcing a new trial to contest old verdicts. If you are empowered to challenge conclusions about yourself and others that have wounded you deeply, you may arrive at a new understanding. Perhaps there is circumstantial evidence that can be brought to a new trial, particularly now that, as an adult, you can comprehend how children are often used as scapegoats and put in the middle of their parents’ conflicts.
Each of us has good reason to revisit old memories when we have the option of challenging the verdicts that were handed out to us. When we do that, we may realize how much agony was created over such minor transgressions. Even if you conclude that you really did deserve some of the blame that you have been saddled with, don’t you think you’ve served enough time?
Using the Future to Shape the Present
When people I work with become overly pessimistic because of difficulties or deprivations they suffered in childhood, I tell them about the power of the future. Dr. Luigi Boscolo (1993) suggested that the pull toward the future can be as powerful as the pull toward the past if we can only learn how to harness its power. Let’s say you can’t decide whether or not to spend some of your savings to purchase a wingback chair that just went on sale. If you turn toward the past to guide you, you might think about the times you walked away from similar bargains and never found a comparable item at the price you decided to pass on. You could start to chastise yourself for letting good opportunities go by and hate your tendency to take so long to make every decision. As the memory drawer of other times you failed to act promptly swings open, old emotional memories of things that you let pass you by add to your emotional experience. The anxiety and self-doubt could cripple you.
But if you were able to look into the future in this fantasy example, you might see that in three months you would receive an amazing job opportunity. This wonderful new position would require that you spend three months in Paris to get some additional training and then three months at the company’s headquarters in Hawaii. When you return from your training, you’d have the opportunity to move into a new home with an easy commute to your job. Your home would be a more modern space, and the large pieces of furniture you’ve tended to like in the past wouldn’t really fit in. With that vision of the future in mind, do you think that the decision about purchasing a new chair would still be difficult?
There are no crystal balls to tell us our future, but clearly thought-out goals can be just as powerful. It is understandable to think about the parts of yourself that have been stifled because of your past, but instead of focusing on the past, use that information to create awareness of who you would like to become under different circumstances. It is helpful to notice that the present is better than the past, but look ahead. The tactics you used to get this far in life are only part of the recipe that defines you. Dr. Susan Harter (Harter et al. 1997) has noted that we all have multiple selves that are capable of emerging under the right circumstances. Earlier situations and responsibilities may have confined us to use only those parts of ourselves that were needed at certain points in our lives. After living in this way for a number of years, we may forget that there are other parts of us that are on the back burner. Just as a plant needs warmth and sunlight to prepare to flower, the parts of yourself that you want to reconnect with might benefit from a wake-up call that the time to move forward has arrived.
Describe to yourself the person you would like to be in the next ten years of your life. If you can describe those qualities, then you have a powerful vision to guide you. You can’t always control the world around you, but aspiring to become that person can connect you to the possibility of change and the power to achieve it that all adults possess.
Conclusion
The Decade of the Brain led to new insights that help us understand human suffering as well as resilience. This should be welcome news to people who have struggled with abrupt episodes of anger, anguish, and distress with no idea of why it happens or how to stop it.
Learning to stop overreacting requires patience and persistence. Mind and body, present and past are all parts of the puzzle that make up an emotional overreaction. It is my hope that you will be able to use the information in this book to find a new way to put these pieces together so that the picture you create is the best one possible for you and the people you love.
Reading Recommendations
Books
Brown, B. 2007. I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power. New York: Penguin Books/Gotham.
Hanson, R., and R. Mendius. 2009. Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
Johnson, S. 2008. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. New York: Little Brown.
Siegel, D. J., and M. Hartzell. 2003. Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. New York: Penguin.
Siegel, J. P. 2000. What Children Learn from Their Parents’ Marriage. New York: Harper Collins.
Williams, M., J. Teasdale, Z. Segal, and J. Kabat-Zinn. 2007. The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness. New York: Guilford Press.
Workbooks
Jacobs, B. 2004. Writing for Emotional Balance: A Guided Journal to Help You Manage Overwhelming Emotions. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
Spradlin, S. E. 2003. Don’t Let Your Emotions Run Your Life: How Dialectical Behavior Therapy Can Put You in Control. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
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