But the suffering wasn’t over at all. On the way to school the Prick teased me about the beanie and the swelling, and I forgot I’d have to explain it to everyone. I told him I got thumped outside Easterside shops, and it was a regular occurrence but I felt crap. The sun was beaming out but I felt compressed. I switched off the Discman and I tried not to cry while I walked with him. The Prick was one of those friends you’d blow off if only you hadn’t grown up together. Everything to him was a piss-take, and as we went thundering down Marton Road he kept thumping and roughing me up, as if to prove he would’ve been alright in the same situation. It suddenly felt a lot colder, and when we got to Brackenhoe everyone was just as irritating in the form room. Abi complimented the Top Man beanie, but a load of kids I didn’t really like were going on about the green bumps on the side of my bonce. I slumped on the plastic seat and didn’t speak anything to anyone.
We had History at half-nine on the top floor, and I watched the skyline strobe-light now and then – it was so sunny, the grass was bright blue and the grey buildings dripped pink. I tried to surround myself in friends and get through the next twenty-four hours, but I didn’t have all that many friends. I was wallowing in sadness under a big blue duvet cover. I sat with the Prick and he borrowed my pen to drum something on the tabletop, showing off. I kept my eyes outside. The Prick thought girls would go for him if he came across as some amazing rock star, but he was complete shite. Eve and Rachel Shannon were sat chattering in the back, and they weren’t noticing either of us. The Prick started to blast out this simple 4 ⁄4 beat, and when I heard one of the pens smash to bits it was obvious God would choose my fancy Papermate over the Prick’s blue Bic. There were a few giggles, but instead of getting wet eyes again I just crossed my arms and blocked it out. The Prick was laughing in my face; the worst part was thinking of Mum buying the stationery for me all special, but they were only pens. I blew out. He was still a fucking prick though.
‘Quiet!’ Mr Barley yelled loudish, coming in with another guy he introduced as Sergeant McAllister, dressed all in army attire and the regulation haircut. The Prick said a joke about fancy dress but it didn’t tickle me. Straight away the Sergeant spotted the girls at the back, he smiled and winked in a dead frustrating way. He seemed like a total cunt, but I was scared of his musclebound physique.
‘Alright now,’ he said, with a mixture of flexed biceps and bright beacon eyes. ‘I’m here to talk to youse about the army. I understand youse are coming to the end of the year now, and you’re wondering what direction youse might be wanting to take …’
Sergeant McAllister went on like that for about forty minutes, and it was hard not to daydream. A life away from home building up strength and firing guns sounded superb, but only since my dad caught me having a wank. There’d been other violent occurrences where my dad was concerned – this one time I broke a china plate and he put my head in the microwave (which didn’t work), then another time I ran off the hot water having a shower and found myself hanging out the bathroom window by my tootsies (which did work). I shit myself. But on telly the army looked a bit too close to prison, scrubbing shoes and eating bollocks and getting shouted at, and I doubted I’d even pass the medical. I switched off and stared really blank into outer space. As you’d expect, the Prick pretended to be totally engrossed, but he wanted to be a holiday rep when he grew up. He scribbled down loads of notes in the back of his History book, trying to look macho but I saw through it. He was a blonde fucking dwarf. I pulled my shirt sleeves over my hands, then put down my head and had a few thoughts on the polyester. I imagined Dad flying against the wall as I unloaded a couple of rounds on him, lots of blood and guts and bang bangs.
‘I hope you’re taking notes, lad,’ Sergeant McAllister blurted out, and I flinched. I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me, but when I looked up bubbly-eyed everyone was sniggering. I shook and grabbed for my notebook, spiting the Prick because his wild scrawling made me look even worse. I flicked to the back, then stared and went shyly, ‘I need a pen.’
‘Drop and give me twenty!’ the Sarge yelled, but you could sort of tell he was joking. What a cock. I probably would’ve done it if it wasn’t for Eve in the back though.
‘Twenty what?’ she mumbled, and a few of her mates giggled. I smiled, and I still felt bleary when she offered, ‘Here, Adam, I’ve got one you can lend.’
She tossed over a silver twisty ballpoint, and I grinned icebergs as I grabbed for it, and scribbled a cartoony GI Joe with a dick on his head and a fat gut. He wouldn’t give up, though. He threw a filthy flirtatious face at Eve, and said, ‘Oh you’re such a sweetheart, aren’t you. Haw haw. Look at him; he’d never make it in the army anyway. He’s been fighting with his sister again.’
Next time he talks to me in the third person his face is going through the blackboard. I brushed him off with a little nod, but the kids were killing themselves and I could feel myself getting mental. I had to keep repeating ‘Dear Prudence’ in my head, clamping together my thumb and middle finger in the meditation stylee. I didn’t have a happy place though. My head felt messy, but Eve was clearing it up like a maid with a feather-duster, though I stopped myself from making that image too French and exotic.
‘Actually it was my dad; he beats me up all the time,’ I said in my head. I shifted in my seat, then wrote a couple of words now and then while the bastard carried on, dropping off to sleep but with eyes open. I made a vow to grow muscles, and get out of the house more. I half-smiled and held on to Eve’s pen for the rest of the morning, feeling alright. Outside, white rainbows erupted and poured out twinkling waterfalls. It was a beautiful day, and it was the only thing keeping me from topping myself. We spent dinnertime in the sun, me and the Prick chewing Astrobelts while we walked around, Burny and Donna cuddling in the canteen with the rays burning through the glass. We stepped on shadows. After a while Abi caught us up from the playground, and she gossiped and I kept fondling Eve’s pen like a little doll’s leg. Even though she was our best friend, I couldn’t help checking Abi out as we strolled about, boys always thinking about sick stuff and girls’ lumps and bumps. I remembered going out with her in Easterside Primary and having our first kiss in a tree in Stewarts Park. She was fun to be with, swishing the dark hair while she nattered about lasses from Beechwood and criminals and that. Me and the Prick laughed at everything. I was getting in a good mood, and I floated around looking for Eve. Like an angel exploding in a starburst, she was the only thing on my mind from then onwards. We saw Rachel Shannon hanging with a load of boys at the main entrance, getting hounded, and I guessed she couldn’t be far away.
‘She’s fucking mint,’ the Prick said as we dodged mud and litter, but Rachel didn’t catch it. ‘I’d do her all over.’
‘That’s my fucking cousin!’ Abi whispered, then winked as we went past the group. Funny how those two were related, Rachel being a Swedish pornstar and Abi almost spic in appearance. As we went a little further round the main building, down by the pyramids, I suddenly spotted supergirl Eve and her mate Debbie laid on the grass and I felt again for the silver pen. They were sunbathing with their shirts half undone, and in the flashing light I thought Eve was waving me over with her tie but I was in a bit of a daze mind you. I decided to head over anyway and give back the pen. I always figured her and Debbie were the sweeter ones of the group, but they still could’ve told me to fuck right off. I made arrangements to meet the Prick and Abi in the form room later on – they were already halfway down the concrete, flirting in the light bits and dark bits. I watched the sun-kissed goddesses roll over a couple of times. And I walked and walked down past the concrete and clover patch, staring at the playing fields going gold and green and that’s when I realised all the suffering was over.
Butterfly
The sun came out on Friday and so did I. I stirred in the cocoon, and out of the blue a crack was forming. The light began to burst in, and with a bit of wriggling I squeezed out of the sleeping-bag and blinked my eyes at the w
orld. My blue wings were soaked, and I shivered a little bit then rubbed my antennae and had a yawn. God I needed that. I read in the handbook you have to dry your wings thoroughly before flying off, so I sat about looking at things and being bored. Until I spotted the two girls sunbathing. They were more goose-pimpled than tanned, though – it was pretty freezing. It started to dawn on me I must’ve woken up too early, but I took advantage of the rays and fluttered them wings. I wouldn’t mind getting back to bed, but when I turned round on the clover the chrysalis had shrivelled up and blown off. I sighed then squinted as the boy wandered across the grass. I wished he’d keep his head up and not be so self-conscious about the bruises, though. On such a shiny day, there was nothing to be down about.
‘Hiya,’ Adam said shyly once he reached us. ‘I’ve got your pen.’
‘Oh, right,’ was all Eve could say, frowning. I nearly laughed because she didn’t seem interested in him, and there was a funny silence. I was getting dizzy stood head-down, but in an hour or so I’d be young, free and single. It was exciting. Adam pulled a silvery pen out of his pocket and handed it to her – I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection. I was incredible blue with glitter-glue wings – I knew it was worth getting teased when I was a sad green caterpillar. I was so ecstatic I could’ve jumped off the clover right there and then, but in the end I didn’t want to show off or die.
‘Thanks,’ Eve said, buttoning up her school shirt.
‘So, how are you doing?’ the boy asked next, and you really had to feel for him.
‘We’re fine, aren’t we,’ Debbie giggled, crossing her legs on the rough grass. ‘You revised for that test yet?’
‘The Science?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Nah, not really,’ Adam replied, but you could tell he had. ‘It alright if I sit for a bit?’
The girls laughed and nodded. They shuffled to one side and cleared a space for him on the running-track, then Adam pulled off his coat and sat down on it cross-legged. He kept his head down and pretended to tighten his laces, then eventually asked, ‘So what youse been doing down here? Just sunbathing and that?’
‘Yeah,’ Eve said, clenching a fist round her high ponytail. ‘As you can see, we’re golden-brown.’
It was an excuse for me to look down their shirts, but Adam was too polite for all that. Debbie laid her chin on her knuckles – next time I was going to be reincarnated a teenage girl. She rolled over and she sighed, ‘I’m hungover.’
‘You go out last night?’ Adam asked, raising his eyebrows.
‘Nah, just went round my boyfriend’s. Dead knackered.’ ‘You ever go to pubs and stuff?’ he asked next as Debbie took Eve’s pen and wrote her name really fancy on her hand. Being a butterfly I wasn’t much into graffiti. I sighed and glanced into the distance as Eve replied, ‘Yeah, we’re always going down Easterside and that. Last Friday we went to Empire, which was decent.’
‘Eve spewed,’ Debbie butted in, and everyone laughed their heads off; even me. I crawled across a four-leaf clover, watching out for birds overhead. It’d be just my luck to survive winter, but get munched by a birdy. Bright blue wings weren’t exactly my idea of camouflage neither.
‘Poor thing,’ Adam said softly, sliding closer to the girls on his bum. He should’ve touched her then, but instead he looked at the floor again and stayed quiet. Eve shone a look at Debbie, and they smiled. They leaned back to get more sun, and Eve even undid some of her buttons again. It was getting heated. Adam wasn’t sure where to look, but he flared teeth and added, ‘I’d go out too, but my mates aren’t really into it.’
‘We see Jason Burn and Donna out quite a bit, like. You should get yourself out with them,’ Debbie said, twizzling the Biro on and off in her pink-coated nails. ‘What were you up to last night? Looks like you’ve been in the wars.’
Adam suddenly went inside himself and sat up all jerky, his hands in the grass. All you could see was his cream beanie, and he mumbled, ‘Just got into bother at the shops.’
‘Who was it?’ Eve asked, swishing blonde hair about. ‘I’ve got a cousin who’d knock them out for you. It’s no hassle. There’s so many dicks about.’
‘Nah, you’re alright,’ Adam replied, getting redder. He sniffed and ruffled his hair underneath, then quickly changed the subject. ‘So, youse going out tonight?’
‘Dunno,’ Eve said, keeping the sun out of her eyes with her hand, like a gorgeous captain out at sea. ‘See how I feel.’
‘If you ever see us out and about,’ Debbie started, ‘you’ll have to buy us a drink or something.’
Adam sniggered, then started to look uncomfortable again and stood up. He was no Cary Grant. He slowly picked up the Adidas jacket; other school kids were walking up the field and the bell was about to go. He was probably desperate to get swotting away again. Blinking, he shoved the coat on and for a second he looked like a red admiral. I was slightly horny – flexing my claspers, I racked my brains and hoped it wasn’t butterflies who ate their husbands.
‘So aren’t you seeing anyone, Adam?’ the girl asked, folding up her Duffer top and cardigan on the grass, which were strewn about.
‘Naw, not yet,’ Adam said, and he got flustered again. What an unusual person. ‘Are you?’
‘No; young, free and single,’ Eve laughed; that was my line. I wavered on the clovers. Eve dipped her head back and stared at the fluffy clouds. The sky was so massive I trembled at the thought of flying into it, but it did look tremendous.
‘I’m sure you’ll get someone nice,’ Adam said, zipping up. He was so selfless – you could tell that. ‘Anyway, I guess I’ll love you and leave you now. See youse later.’
‘Bye-bye,’ the girls said together, waving him off. Eve watched him stride past the steel fence, then played with the studs in her ears and said, ‘Aww, he’s nice, isn’t he.’
‘Yeah, he’s funny,’ Debbie said. I flapped the neon wings again, but they weren’t getting any drier. I breathed out then jiggled about. I only had twenty-four hours to find a mate – it was nerve-wracking, maybe the girls hadn’t even hatched, but who really could turn down sparkly sequin wings and big old claspers.
‘Look, there’s a butterfly,’ Debbie said, pointing me out just as they got up to leave. I felt my cheeks glow. I was flattered but I didn’t flutter much longer. As the girls continued chatting and stomping up the playing field, a huge blackbird suddenly swooped out of nowhere and gobbled me up. I screamed and screamed – his beak was like a chain-saw, and I couldn’t escape it. I curled up then dropped to the ground, two glitter-blue arms on the grass and two little antennae on the wind.
Eve
Glitter-blue splashed the water. It burnt! You always seem to get so relaxed and vacant before bathtime, only to get scalded. I hid about in the Boots bubbles, getting numb after a while and quite steamy. Me and Laura had the bridesmaid dresses hung above the door – these off-white numbers with no straps and fairly short. She was in there with me chattering about all sorts. We had butterflies flying round our tums. Eventually I just gave in and ran some cold, then I swished around and used the old sponge, the one like a shard of glass or breezeblock but it definitely got you sparkling. I squeezed my hair back against my head – it always looked darker wet, but by ceremony time me and Laura would be blessed with platinum blonde ringlets. I was speaking foam. As the steam rose and swirled, Natasha knocked and appeared in her gorgeous wedding dress, and we had to stop what we were doing and stare at her.
You look amazing, I said. It’d been a hectic day – all the wedding arrangements had been sorted before Christmas, but there was still the important matter of looking great. Laura started to put on the dress while Natasha checked her make-up – the fake tan looked really over the top in her white gown. I smiled and watched Natasha pout four or five times, ready for the you may now kiss the bride part.
Who are you bringing again, Laura? she asked, turning round. I dipped my head underwater when she replied, Some lad.
Anyone nice
? I asked, but I wasn’t bothered. She told me a little about this boy from Kirby College with blue eyes and big muscles, but I just stopped and glared at the water. I dripped Fructis shampoo on myself, hoping they wouldn’t come home together and moan moan moan through the night. At least we were getting rid of Natasha and Dean. Five nights a week they banged the bed up against my head, but I didn’t really mean that. I thought back to me, Natasha and Laura sharing the bathtub on Sundays, Mam and our Dad running upstairs every five minutes to check we hadn’t drowned. We used to have competitions for holding our breath underwater and flooding the bathroom sliding up and down it, but we wouldn’t go that far. I massaged round the shampoo then ducked in again, squinting as the shampoo dissolved all over. My hair rose to the surface, and I stopped like that til Laura belted out, Eve, have you still got that necklace I like?
Trying to speak underwater, a load of bubbles made a noise, then I leapt to the surface and said, What?
Have you still got that nice necklace? she repeated, as I stretched out of the water and covered myself with one arm.
The chunky gold thing? I asked, lowering in again.
Yeah; can I borrow it?
Er, yeah. It’s in my blue box.
Is it really gold? Natasha asked as she left the room, raising one eyebrow she’d retweezered.
Well no, it’s all rusty now. But you know what I mean.
Shutting my eyes, I leant back in the tub and rinsed off the shampoo completely. The lavender foam faded into cloud. Then I shimmied forward, pulling my knees up to my chest and watching out my hair didn’t land in the dirty water. For a bit I stared as Laura came back and did her make-up, throwing round reds and pinks and blacks and peaches. I smiled, getting to that horrible point of forcing yourself out of the bath. I sat there like a jelly blancmange, and fortunately just then Mam came through the door with cups of tea so I stayed put. God, it was getting crowded – in these terrace houses the bathrooms are practically a broom cupboard. Mam had on a new two-piece from Binns with these tiny flower motifs and she was looking well. She smiled and passed over my Tigger mug.
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