“I did want it—until I met Ruby.”
“Ah. So my daughter made the spark fizzle,” he said. “She turned me into something hideous.”
“No. Your daughter is wonderful. She’s beautiful and sweet but she’s…real. And real scares me. Real is for life. She said I’m an angel, but she’s so wrong. I keep feeling like I misled her, and you. Maybe after all, I’m just a disgusting, horny woman who wanted to get her father laid. There was a part of me that completely ignored the potential consequences. About your feelings, let alone hers. But I can’t let you down now that I’ve met her—because if I do, I let her down too. I spent my whole life being disappointed by the people who were supposed to care about me and to look after me. I’m not doing it to an impressionable little girl.”
“Why the hell do you think you’d let me down?” he asked. “You’re amazing, Angel.”
“Because until I met you, I had no intention of continuing this relationship beyond March fifteenth. I had no intention of getting serious. And I didn’t let you know. I wasn’t honest with you. That’s no way to begin a relationship.”
“But is that how you still feel?” he asked. “Am I still just some studly guy that you want to show off?”
“I don’t know what you are. But if I sleep with you now, I can’t help but think that I might just be leading you on. It’s selfish and manipulative. I need to know—to prove to myself—that I’m not that person.”
“Well, I’m willing to let you be selfish if it means sitting on me again…” He was grinning again. Making a joke of it. And she wanted to laugh, to let it all go and to try to start over. But it was so confusing.
“Slate, the truth is that I’m…not sure if I’m ready to have a child in my life. You know?”
The words were honest—maybe too honest. She wasn’t at all certain that she didn’t want a child in her life, either. But experimenting now to see if she and Slate were a good fit seemed ill-advised and potentially irresponsible.
The grizzly shifter stood up. That was, it seemed, all he needed to hear.
“Thank you, then, for being straight with me, no matter how late it is in coming. Though I’ve got to say, at this moment I wish you’d just never called Miri. I wish I’d never met you. I’m sure that it’s obvious that Ruby and I come as a matched set. You can’t have one of us without the other. I said that in my interview.”
“I know.” Her voice was pure misery. “Maybe I just need time…”
“You need to grow up.” The words were coated in ice. “I’ll see you around.”
When she heard her front door close, Angel laid her head on her hands. Honesty was the best thing, of course.
So why did it hurt so damned much?
* * *
It wasn’t until Tuesday morning that Angel finally managed to summon the courage to contact Linda. Much as they’d had an antagonistic relationship for all their adult years, it was only right to let her know the truth: she’d be attending the wedding alone.
A phone call seemed like the way to go, much as she didn’t want her sister hearing any trace of the upset in her voice; the potential tremor that the past few days’ events would bring on.
Put on your big girl panties and dial, she told herself as she grasped her phone. It would only take a second.
Linda’s phone only rang once before Angel heard the greeting?
“Hello?”
“Linda, it’s Angel.”
“Oh, hi! It’s nice to hear your voice.”
Wait. What?
Never in all her life had she heard her sibling utter such words. She pulled the phone away from her ear to make sure that it was in fact her sister that she’d called.
Yup. Linda Ramsey.
“Um,” she began.
“What’s up?”
“You sound…remarkably calm for the week of your wedding.”
“Yeah, I’m trying a new thing, between my therapist and Gahan pointing out that I was going to burst all my blood vessels by the age of thirty-five if I didn’t learn to chill out.”
“I’m impressed. More than impressed, really. I’m shocked.”
“So is everything okay?” Linda, asking another person if everything was okay? This was more than good—this was a startling evolution. Or else the pod people had replaced her only sibling with one of their own. Either way, great.
“Okay? Sort of. Well, no, not really. I’m calling to let you know I’ll be attending the wedding alone. I know that’s a pain in the ass, and I’m sorry.”
“Well, honestly it’s too late to deal with the caterers. But it’s okay. Can I ask what happened, though?”
Angel bit her lip. The words should have come easily. A simple tale of a lie months ago, a date interrupted, and another almost-date, foiled by her own misgivings. But nothing came out.
“Angel? You okay?”
“No…”
“Listen, I’m on lunch in a half hour. Why don’t you come down to the office and meet up with me?”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I’d like it. I want to talk to you about something, anyhow. It would be good to discuss it before the wedding. I want a fresh start.”
It really was as though she was talking to an alien infiltrator; someone who’d taken over her sister’s mind and body. “Okay,” she managed. “I’ll drive over and meet you out front of your building.”
“Great. See you then.”
Thirty minutes later, Angel stood outside the office tower, her eyes staring up at the clouds’ passing reflections in the glass panels. It never failed—even when she was surrounded by the urban jungle, she gravitated towards nature. Tall buildings weren’t interesting, but the sky? Perfection.
“Penny for your thoughts.” The words were Linda’s, and Angel found herself offering a shallow smile as she located her sister with her eyes. Linda, dressed perfectly as always, her dark hair pulled back in a French twist, was walking down a set of concrete stairs towards her, hands in her pockets. Her face looked more relaxed than usual; calm, her brow uncharacteristically unfurrowed.
“Just contemplating my place in the universe,” Angel replied.
“Well, that’s easily done. You’re at the centre of it, after all.”
She stared at her sister, baffled. “Since when?” she said as they began to walk, Linda leading the way to a restaurant down the street.
“Since forever. You always have been.”
Angel choked back a laugh. The words coming from her sibling weren’t even tinged with resentment; they seemed entirely earnest. “I’m at the centre of no one’s universe, including my own. I always compare myself to other people, beat myself up. Mom and Dad have always considered me an abject failure, as have you.”
“Me?” Linda looked genuinely surprised. What was happening? Had Angel stepped into bizarro land where everything was the opposite of what it had always been? “I’ve never considered you a failure. I’ve always envied you.”
“Well, that’s insane. You’ve sure had a funny way of showing it.”
“Are you kidding? All my life has been spent trying to be perfect while you just went about your own life, naturally being brilliant at everything. Doing everything you wanted, laughing, having a good time, while I tried to be fastidious with every task to make up for my shortcomings. You were single when I felt the need to find someone, like I wasn’t adequate on my own. You bought a house—I rent. You paint for a living; I work at the beck and call of an asshole of a boss.”
Linda pushed the restaurant’s glass door open, holding it for her sister. “Gahan told me that I should try to be more like you. But he meant that I should relax and stop worrying so much about how everyone perceived me.”
“Well, that’s…something,” said Angel, stepping inside and making her way to a corner table. “I’m surprised, to say the least. I thought I was the only one obsessed with others’ perceptions of me.”
“Nope. I think his telling me that jarred me out of the stupor I’d been
in for years. I realized that I’d always wanted to be more like you; I just didn’t know how. I’ve always been regimented and lived by hard and fast rules. I didn’t know how to let them go.”
“Well, it sounds like you’re doing it now. Really, Linda, I’m pretty stunned. I figured that if I called you today, you’d chew me out and tell me I’m useless.”
Her sister let out a bitter laugh, aimed more at herself than at Angel. “I’m sorry. God, what a bitch I’ve been. But listen—we’re mostly here to talk about you. What’s going on?”
“I met a guy.”
“Yes, I knew that—you told me you had a date for the wedding ages ago.”
“Well, when I told you that I sort of lied.”
“Wait, what?”
“You’re not the only one who tries to be perfect. I made it up so that you’d think I had my life semi-together.”
“What can I get for you?” The young male waiter looked uncomfortable, as though he knew he was interrupting a serious conversation.
“Caesar salad with chicken,” said Linda, turning to Angel. “What would you like?”
“I’m not hungry,” her sister replied truthfully. She’d had no appetite to speak of since Slate had walked out of her house. “Anyhow,” she continued when the waiter had left, “he was a myth for a while—but a few days ago I really did meet someone.”
“Okay, and?”
“And he’s great. Perfect, even, without even trying. Not like us losers.”
Linda chuckled. “So what’s the problem?”
“Me. My stupidity. My rules. Even though I pretend to have none, I do. I’ve always pushed people away for fear of failure. I’ve always screwed myself over by convincing myself that I’m not good enough to truly succeed. That includes my love life.” She couldn’t believe she was pouring all this out to her sister, of all people. But in this moment it felt right. “He has a child. A sweet little girl. And I dumped him because of it.”
“Oh Jesus, Angel.”
“I know. It was selfish. I panicked. I’ve just never imagined myself taking responsibility for a kid.”
“Do you know what I’d give to…” Linda cut herself off mid-sentence. “This is what I wanted to talk to you about. I know it’s not really your concern, but it sort of explains a little about me. I never told you this, but the doctor told me a long time ago that I might not be able to have children.”
“What?” Angel’s heart sank. “When was this?”
“When I was a teenager. I have polycystic ovaries, and they’re not sure that my insides work as they should.”
“Oh, God. I’m really sorry. I never knew. Why didn’t you tell me? I was around…”
Linda stared at her own hands. “Because I thought you’d think less of me. I thought everyone would,” she said, her voice breaking. “It was the one thing I always wanted, you know. A husband and children. You always seemed happy to do whatever, to go wherever. But this was my dream.”
Angel reached for Linda’s hand and took hold tightly. “I’m sure that this will work out for you, somehow. Let me know if I can help.”
With her free hand, her sister wiped away a tear. “Gahan knows and everything, and he’s been really supportive. We might adopt, if all else fails.”
“Good. But there are specialists you can talk to. I’m sure we can find someone who can help.”
“It’s okay. It is what it is, and I don’t like dwelling on it. But you mentioned that this man of yours has a child.”
“Yeah, he does.” On Angel’s lips, a smile began to form as she thought about Ruby. She really was an amazing, charming thing.
“A child is a gift, not a negative,” said Linda. “Don’t forget it.”
“You’re right, she is. And Slate is, too.”
“Slate?”
Angel couldn’t help but let her smile expand, even though it hurt to think of him. “He’s a grizzly shifter.”
“Wait—you’re telling me you dumped a grizzly shifter?” Linda’s eyes went wide in disbelief.
“Stupid, right?”
“So stupid.” They both laughed. It was the first time Angel could remember them laughing together since they were children. “Can’t you fix it?”
“I don’t know, honestly. He told me I need to grow up. And the worst part is that he’s right.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, things have a way of sorting themselves out. Or that’s what I tell myself every time I get another phone call about how the flowers I ordered aren’t coming in, or how the chef I booked has had a family emergency. This will work itself out. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.”
“I don’t know. I really think I’ve seen the last of him.”
This time it was Linda who squeezed her sister’s hand. “I hope you haven’t,” she said. “You deserve happiness. And I think that for once in your life, you need to admit that you need someone.”
“When did you become so wise, not to mention nice? You’re freaking me right out.”
“When life and my future husband kicked me in the ass. Figuratively, of course. If he ever did it literally he’d find himself drinking all his meals through a straw.”
“I don’t doubt it. Listen, Linda—I’ve got to tell you, I’ve been too hard on you. Always. I like to think I’m little Miss Free Spirit, and that I’m the one who’s laid back while you’ve always seemed so tightly wound. But you’re putting me to shame now, making me realize how crazy I’ve been. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I’ve been an insufferable bitch for the bulk of our adult lives.”
“Well, how about we both vow not to be insufferable, or bitches? For a little, at least.”
“Deal.”
Chapter 11
Slate spent Monday and Tuesday hard at work, toiling for his boss on the construction project, which had fallen behind for various reasons beyond the company’s control. Through it all, he somehow managed to perform his fatherly duties, making it home in time to cook meals for Ruby and to look after her.
And all the while he tried to push thoughts of the beautiful, sexy blonde from his mind, telling himself that after all, they weren’t right for each other.
Regardless of what his insistent grizzly thought about the matter.
It wasn’t until Wednesday that he ran into a crisis of potentially catastrophic proportions.
“I’m going to need you to work late tonight, man,” his foreman told him. “We’ve got to get this done by tomorrow morning or we lose our equipment to another job. The budget’s maxed out.”
“I can’t,” Slate insisted. “The sitter leaves at 5:00, and she can’t stay late today.” Christine had told him days earlier that she had an immovable appointment.
“I don’t much care about the damn sitter’s schedule. Find someone else to look after your kid, or get someone to fill in for you here, or you’re off the job.”
Slate tried calling his friend Martin, who was as qualified as anyone to take over his duties. When the machine picked up he let out a low moan before leaving a message: “Marty, listen, I’ve got a situation here. Wondering if you can come by and do some work at five. Let me know.”
After several more phone calls seeking alternative sitters, all of which had come up short, Slate contemplated the repercussions of losing his income over this. He couldn’t afford it, with the mortgage and bills to pay and with Ruby to look after. It just wasn’t feasible to take time off while he hoped something else would come along.
And there was only one person he knew who worked from home, had a car and could probably look after Ruby for a few hours. Grinding his jaw, Slate told himself that he had no choice but to do it, if only for his daughter. It was a noble act, and he needed to swallow his pride. Losing his job would be the one thing more painful than the call he was about to make.
He picked up his phone one more time and dialled, his breath tight in his chest.
Was this ever going
to suck.
“Hello?”
And there it was—her lovely voice. The voice that had spoken softly into his ear as he’d pressed his body into hers. The voice that he’d wanted to hear moan his name while he entered her over and over again.
The voice that he’d thought he’d never hear again.
“Angel—listen, it’s Slate.”
“Oh.” The woman on the other end sounded hoarse and tired, as though she’d been through the wringer. “Um, this is a surprise. But I’m glad you called—”
She sounded like she wanted to talk, but he didn’t have time for the luxury of a conversation. “I’m sure it is a surprise, and I’m sorry to call you like this. Look—I know things didn’t end well between us. And I would never ask you this if it weren’t an emergency, but—I need someone to look after Ruby at five. The sitter has to take off, and I’ll get fired if I leave here. It would only be a couple of hours—I’d pay you. And don’t worry, this isn’t an attempt to convince you that you should become a surrogate mother. I wouldn’t have called you if I weren’t desperate.”
“It’s fine, I’d be happy to do it,” she said. She actually sounded like she meant it. “I can pick her up and feed her dinner here, if you give me your address and tell the sitter I’m coming so she doesn’t freak out that the weirdo’s trying to kidnap your daughter.”
“Thanks, I’ll do that. Really, I appreciate it. I’ll get to your place as quickly as I can when I’m done here.”
“No rush, Slate. She’s a great kid. I’d be very happy to spend some time with her.”
Slate listened to the words, assessing them for honesty, and came to the conclusion that she really was being sincere. Maybe she was coming around. Still, he shouldn’t get his hopes up. This was only a business transaction; nothing more.
He gave her the address and breathed a sigh of relief as he hung up the phone.
* * *
Angel’s heart was beating so hard that she could hear it as she laid her cell down.
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