Forgiving Taij was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Just looking at him reminded me of the times I begged him to love me, of the time I pissed and it burned, and of the times I learned of his infidelities with women that I knew. I would pray, get off my knees, and still hate him. It took time- lots of time. To this day I have to repeat scriptures over and over in my head when I feel my heart hating Taij all over again; “But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you”.
As Taij entered my bedroom and lay across my bed, I jokingly asked, “May I help you?”
He already laid DeSire down in her bedroom and changed her into her pajamas.
I thanked God that she was already asleep, because I did not feel like talking to her for the next hour as she told me things that I have yet to understand.
Taij groaned as he said, “I am so tired.”
“Why so tired?”
“That girl kept me up all night.”
“Was she sick or something?”
“Hell nah! She was just fine. My mother had her while I was at work Saturday and she let her sleep all day, so last night she was just up; talking to me, hitting me when I would fall asleep, and all kinds of silly shit. That girl didn’t go to sleep until four this morning. I wanted to cry.”
“No wonder she’s sleep so hard.”
“Hell yea. Selfish ass. Now I gotta stay up to make the drive home.”
Taij moved to Hessville, Indiana when he returned to the Midwest because that’s where his job is located. He got a great position at BP doing something that I can’t even explain. All I know is that my child support checks enlarged, so I didn’t ask any questions and simply thanked God for the increase.
“Your drive is not that bad. You’ll be home in fifteen minutes.”
“With two hours of sleep, it’s horrible.” He was obviously very tired because he simply lay on the bed with his face in the pillow as he spoke.
“What time do you have to go to work?”
My question was answered by Taij’s heavy breathing. He was asleep and I didn’t bother waking him. I simply watched his body and smiled. He was still a sight for sore eyes. He was still a gym rat and played basketball frequently. His physique was top notch compared to the ten or so pounds I’ve collected over the past few months since I have traded sex for food; eating my emotions versus fucking them away. I could smell his Ed Hardy cologne in the air. The smell of a man in my bedroom gave me an unfamiliar twitch between my legs.
Since my revelation that I was using dick to cover years of pain, I haven’t had much sex. There has been a guy here or there, but no dick or no man ever comes close to what I yearn for, so I opted to wait for something more concrete and official. That wait has been three months long now.
Taij’s move back home didn’t make it any better. His heavy involvement in my household reminds me of the quality of relationship that I want with a man. Taij is at my house taking out garbage, mowing grass, and paying bills via his child support payments, and I don’t even have to screw him. However, some men would think that I should bend over at their disposal simply because he got his dick out. My sex is not for sale, but it isn’t free or for charity work either.
THREE
Monday, July 13, 2009
VICTORIA
“Hello?”
“What’s up, girl? It’s me.”
“Hey, Lynn.”
Since it was only Lynn, I relaxed and continued emailing Crystal about nothing in particular. She actually managed to send me a meaningless email while on vacation.
“Are you busy?”
“Not at all,” I answered. “I need to be writing my literature review for my independent study, but my motivation is all off.”
Since it is the summer, I spend my days doing what I want to do on a partial salary until the school year begins. This summer, I decided to complete as many independent studies for my graduate program as possible.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing really,” I answered with a sigh.
“Stop lying, Vic.”
“There is nothing wrong with me. I am just in some kinda mood.”
“Why?”
“Taij spent the night.”
“FOR REAL?!”
“Calm down,” I told her instantly. “It was nothing like that. He fell asleep in my bed on accident. That’s it.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t sound so disappointed,” I replied with a giggle.
“I was super excited, huh? Why the gloomy mood then?”
“Waking up this morning and having him there made me miss him being there.”
“Made you miss him being there or somebodybeing there.”
“A little of both. I’ve always missed the man he was when we were together and happy.”
“You miss thedick too.”
“I miss any dick.”
“Somebody needs to be getting some action between the two of us. This friendship is starting to feel so lame.”
“Whateva! You are the married one! You should be giving me all kinds of juicy stories of hot holy sex.”
“I know, right? But hey, I may have some stories to tell you soon.”
“Whaaaaaaaat? What you do? Slip Travis someecstasy?”
“No. Honestly, I met someone.”
I damn near spit my coffee out all over the keyboard. “Excuse me?!”
“I met a guy.”
“For what?”
She giggled.“What do you mean for what?”
“Lynn, you’re married and, the last time I checked, saved.”
“And, the last time I checked, I am bored and miserable with my life.”
“So where did you meet him at?”
Lynn then told me how she met a parent in the parking lot of the school one day back in May.
“He was there for a parent conference,” she explained. “He’s a single dad. That’s what initially drew me to him.”
“Why are you just now telling me this if it’s been almost two months?”
“Because it was nothing to tell at first. It was obvious that we were attracted to each other. At first, all we did was talk on the phone here and there because he respected the fact that I was married. He would come say hello when he was up at the school for his son. The more I saw him, the more I started falling for him, so now I am telling you.”
She went on to tell me that she and this guy have been on the phone all day and night for the past few weeks.
“It’s so different. Our conversation is exciting and a turn-on, when all Travis and I talk about are the kids and bills. I’m excited to hear his voice; I cringe when I hear Travis’.”
“What’s this guy’s name? Do you know his kid?”
“His name is Ray. His son is a junior; Jamal Clayton. I’ve seen him before, but he’s not one of my students.”
I didn’t want to judge Lynn since she is such a good friend, but I can’t help but to disagree with the way she is obviously falling for another man. Not only is she disrespecting her marriage, but she is also disrespectingher religion. I am the first to say that I am not saved, sanctified, and sho’ nuff filled, so who am I to make her feel bad for her sins?
But Lynn has always been such an inspiration to me, so it’s sad to watch my teacher forget her own doctrine.
Lynn showed up at my house later that evening with her four kids in tow. I immediately knew something was up. She was dressed way too fly for an evening out with the kids.
“What’s up with you?” I watched her anxiously as she perfected her hair in the mirror. “Where are you all going?”
Lynn and I were in my bedroom. Her oldest children, Jerrod and Jason, were in the front room watching television. They are twelve and eleven. Jamila is five and Joseph is three, so they were in DeSire’s room playing with her.
“Nowhere.”
“Stop lying,” I told her.
“We aren’t going anywhere,” she said confidently. “I am… if you babysit.”
I passed out on the bed. “Babysit?!”
I love Lynn dearly, but watching four kids on top of my toddler is just too much for me to bear. I babysit for her from time to time because I know anyone would need a break from four kids, but today I am not feeling so generous.
“Pleeeeeeease, Vic? I will be back in a couple of hours.”
“Where are you going?”
She looked at me with guilty pleasure. That is when I noticed how detailed her attire was. She had on makeup, her cleavage was out, her outfit was fitted, and she had the nerve to be wearing Dereon jeans.
My mouth dropped to the floor. “Oooooooooooooo! You’re going out with Ray!”
“Ssssssssssssshh!”
“You heifer!”
“We’re just getting some dinner.”
“What in the hell has gotten into you?”
“Nothing,” she answered while rolling her eyes. “That’s the problem.”
My feelings were hurt and it showed. I expected this behavior out of every single one of my friends, except Lynn.
“I’m sorry,” she replied with a laugh. “But seriously, will you watch the kids, please?”
“It looks like you already had that in mind anyway, so I guess I don’t have a choice.” I watched Lynn in disbelief as she continued to prep in the mirror.
I could not believe that she was actually getting so eagerly ready for a date with another man. I have always seen her as such a God-fearing saint.
“No one is perfect, Vic,” she told me as if she was reading my mind.
“I know.”
“I just need a little fun. There are no strings attached here. It’s just dinner.”
“Just dinner, my ass! First, you’re going to be eating chicken, and the next thing you know, you’re going to wake up, with a dick in your face, screaming, ‘Whose dick is this?!’!”
Lynn fell out laughing as she replied, “That would actually be nice.”
My mouth fell to the floor.
“I’m kidding,” she swore.
“If you are this unhappy, why not just get a divorce?”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Why not? Because they look down on it at church? They look down on fornication too.”
“I am not fornicating!”
“Not yet! But you are five minutes away, missy!”
Lynn sat on my bed in frustration. It was obvious that she was more frustrated with her situation than with me.
“I don’t love Travis anymore,” she confessed. “And I know he doesn’t love me. We are settling for a routine because of our kids and our faith. We are putting on a facade of holy happiness when the inside of our four walls are miserable and dying.”
“Then, Lynn, why are you with him? Why are you staying in the marriage if you despise it this much?”
“For lack of a better idea.”
LYRIC
I have spent the majority of the evening in my apartment with Evette and Jelani. They came over with dinner. What was suppose to be a quick meal of Chinese take-out turned into hours of laughing and drinking as I mixed random potions of sin behind my bar.
I knew what they were up to when I got their phone call. Though I have spent plenty of platonic time with Jelani and Evette, our sexual encounters far outweigh our casual moments. So as midnight rolled around and our eyes began to ride low from the alcohol, I knew what was up and excused myself to the shower.
No sooner than I began to lather with Dove Nutrium, the door opened, allowing in the cold air from the air conditioner and the sounds of slow jams that were suddenly playing.
Evette entered the bathroom wearing absolutely nothing and Jelani was behind her fully clothed and holding lit candles. I giggled at the way he took control of setting his own atmosphere as he placed the candles around the bathroom and turned off the light.
Evette entered the shower as Jelani sat on the toilet to watch his wife and their “partner” bathe together. Evette performed as if this was all about her husband and nothing to do with me. She kissed me aggressively to turn him on. She sucked my breast aggressively to arouse him. I was merely their toy; something to spice up their marriage. I didn’t mind because they were also my toys; something to spice up my life.
As Evette and I bathed one another and playfully tongue kissed, we ran our fingers through one another’s hair, pulled threateningly, and squeezed one another’s ass. We molested one another with so much eagerness and impatience. Every now and then, I would glance at Jelani’s pants to watch them grow into a tent and longed for the moment he entered me.
Evette and I rinsed and instantly played in one another’s lake of temptation. Though our bodies were dripping with water, there were fluids of enticement that met our fingers as we played with one another. Our skin softly glistened in the moonlight that glowed through the window. I was sure that, to Jelani, the sight of us kissing and tasting one another looked like a hot scene from a lesbian porno.
I squatted in front of Evette to drink from her lake and she opened her legs with so much glee that I had to giggle at her excitement. Soon I felt hands tickling my back with smooth touches along with soft kisses. As I kissed his wife’s pleasure zone, Jelani held my hair tight and laid sweet kisses on my neck, down my back, to my waistline, and stopped at my ass as he slid two fingers inside of me. I moaned from the sensation and Evette responded as if she felt his fingers inside of her just the same.
“Hey, Tricey.”
“Whew! You sound a hot mess!”
As I locked the front door after Evette and Jelani, I glanced at my cell phone to be sure of the time.
“It’s two in the morning, Tricey.”
“I know, and you sound pretty awake to me. What are you doing?”
“Locking the door after Jelani and Evette.”
“Umph! Getting down with the ménage-a-boogie on a Monday night! I see you!”
I laughed as I told her, “Whatever.”
“You sound like they wore your ass out.”
That was an understatement. Something has gotten into Jelani. Usually, he is timid and lets me and Evette lead him. Evette and I are usually the aggressors; playing with and sexing each other as he watches in delight until we desire penetration. Tonight was so much different. Once we graduated out of the shower and into my bedroom, he ravaged me like a beast. It was as if he was taking something out on me. He would throw me on my back, ride me with no mercy, and look me deep into my eyes to make sure that I was feeling every inch of him as Evette lay next to us playing with herself.
Tonight was his night; his night to have me as much as his wife has. It was as if he threw in the “respect for his wife” towel and fucked me as if I wore the ring. I saw no discomfort in Evette, so I allowed him to sex me as if he was my partner and not my toy. He gave me his dick as if it were charity; willingly and unapologetically.
There was an intimacy coming from him that shouldn’t have been.
I was left very confused but, nonetheless, satisfied.
“Whatever,” I simply replied. “What are you doing up so late? Can’t sleep?”
“Hell no,” Tricey fussed. “My back hurts. I’m so uncomfortable. This baby is moving all kinds of ways inside of me. I wish it would be still!”
“So you called to vent?”
“I need someone to listen to my complaints.”
“Where is Blood?”
“Nate,” she corrected me.
“No, Blood. He has rightfully earned his street cred from me.”
She agreed with a laugh. “He has. Well, Blood isn’t here tonight, so I guess he is under one of his hoes.”
I snickered. “Lucky them.”
“You are a mess. You have turned into such a mess.”
“Turned into?”
“Yes.”
“I didn’t turn into anything. I’ve been like this.”
“Since when?”
“I haven’t?”
“You have always had a very lame sex life.”
“Lame? No. Infrequent? Yes, but not lame.”
“That’s exactly it. Maybe if you had sex with more men, you wouldn’t have such a taste for women.”
I rolled my eyes in the back of my head. After a great night, I do not want to hear a lecture about my sex life. Tricey swears that I am “acting out” from lack of experience. True, I have only had sex with very few men, but I didn’t need to have sex with an assembly line of men to realize that I am attracted to women.
“Since when does my taste for women bother you?”
“Since it started affecting your life.”
Here we go.
Despite my silence, Tricey continued. “Your greediness ended your engagement…”
“Must we go there?”
“And now you’re having a threesome.”
“And?”
“And I wouldn’t be saying anything if it was really what you wanted.”
“How do you know it’s not what I want?”
“Because I have been your best friend since kindergarten and I know you. I know that you miss Bradley. I know that you miss him being there. And I know that you put on this big front like you’re happy as hell without a care in the world to cover up the fact that you feel bad for fucking up a happy home.”
I sat on my bed in the darkness. I could still smell Evette and Jelani in the air. Their memory sent an erotic chill through me.
“I do miss Bradley,” I told Tricey. “I wish I could talk to him.”
I have not spoken a word to Bradley since the night he found out that Veronica was my lover, not my “best friend”, and that I was cheating with her since the start of our relationship. He walked out of my life, threw my belongings on the front lawn of our home, changed all his numbers, changed the locks, and vanished. I have always been too embarrassed to show up at his house or salon to plead my case because I know I hurt the only man that I can confidently say loved me with all his heart.
And just as he vanished, so did my acknowledgement of him and our relationship. I survive the heartache and embarrassment by ignoring the past. I proceeded with my life as if I were never engaged and never knew Veronica. I slipped my engagement ring from my finger, hid it amongst other important pieces of my life in storage, and never looked back.
Good Girls Ain't No Fun Boxed Set (The SIX romance and urban fiction volumes of the LOVE, SEX, LIES series) Page 23