However, there is such a void in our union that he is more like my unwanted roommate, rather than my husband.
Currently, there isn’t an emotional connection between us. We’re only bonded by our children, the bills, and, the fact that by law and under God, we are committed to one another.
I feel like a mouse on a wheel, robotically running my household with nothing to look forward to and my life going nowhere in particular.
As I pulled into the driveway of our home, I couldn’t imagine going in. I just didn’t want to.
“I’ll be back,” I informed Travis.
He immediately rolled his eyes. “Where are you going now?”
“To V…”
He cut me off with a laugh. “To Vic’s house? So you’re married to her now?”
He was right in his anger. Indeed, I have been away from home way more than a mother and a wife should. It wasn’t just about Ray. There was just so much life and energy outside of my dead and miserable home.
“What are we doing, Travis?”
Irritation came over his expression as if he can’t believe I want to have this conversation again. I seriously have had enough, though. I can’t stomach going back in that house just to be stuck in the same lifeless relationship.
“Lynn, I don’t know what you want from me.”
He was nonchalant to the point that it made my stomach curdle. He looked through his cell phone as if what I was talking about meant less than nothing to him.
“I want a husband.”
“I give you a husband.”
“You give me a routine.”
He remained nonchalant, looking first out of the window and then back at his cell phone.
I became so enraged in his disregard of my unhappiness. I wanted do something, anything, to rip away the nonchalant blanket that has overcome his feelings for me.
Unexpectedly, I snatched his cell phone from his hands and through it against the windshield.
His cell phone broke into pieces and the window began to crack as I yelled, “LISTEN TO ME!!”
The sound of my bark seemed to echo through the car, outside of it, andonto the street.
“If you want me to listen, then say something that I haven’t heard before!”
I knew that his anger stemmed from having to fix the window and had nothing to do with my feelings.
“I don’t love you anymore.”
Travis looked at me as if how dare I speak to him in such a way.
Regardless of his threatening looks, I continued to vent. I was tired of him and didn’t care if my words cut him. “How is that for saying something different? I don’t love you anymore. I haven’t for a long time.”
The way Travis looked at me made the situation even worse; he looked as if he couldn’t even argue with me.
“I have made every attempt to fall back in love with you and this marriage, but you refuse to help me. You are robotic. There is nothing about what you do to me that no other man can do ten times better. You put no effort into how you communicate with me. Your words have no emotion. You have sex with me as if it’s a job and not your pleasure.”
“We have been married for over ten years. It’s not always going to be about romancing you. We have bigger things to worry about than we did when we first met. “
“But are you in love with me?”
His silence was deafening. He looked at me as if to tell me that he didn’t love me anymore would be too hurtful, but he did not want to hurt God by lying to me either.
“I’m leaving,” I told him.
He almost laughed. “Leaving where?”
“You! Leaving this marriage!”
He sat back and rolled his eyes like he dared me to.
“I’m serious, Travis.”
When he noticed my seriousness, his heart seemed to beat out of his chest. For the first time, emotion began to rise from him.
“That ain’t God, Lynn! We are married and we are going to stay married. Just because you aren’t happy today don’t mean you can just walk away. Stop being a baby!”
“I am not unhappy today. I am unhappy every day.”
In a threatening tone, his simple reply was, “So you think we’re going to get divorced?”
“Why shouldn’t we? So we can save face at the church? So we can continue to lie to our children? So you can look good while standing in the pulpit?”
It hurt that his rebuttal wasn’t that I was wrong. It hurt that he didn’t shout back that we shouldn’t get a divorce because he can’t stand being apart from me.
“Get out, Travis.”
“Lynn….”
“GET OUT!”
My anger came out in shrieks that rocked the side of our house. Soon I saw little heads peeking out of our living room window.
“Just let me go,” I begged him as tears began to form in my eyes.
For the first time in years, I saw sadness in Travis’ eyes. Ironically, I had no sadness. I didn’t feel sorry for him, because I knew that his regret resulted from possibly having to explain this to the church- not from losing me.
As he gathered his things and reached for the door, I noticed that the closer he came to exiting, the more relieved I felt.
Before getting out, he asked, “What about the kids?”
“I’ll come back for them.”
TRICEY
It was about three in the morning and I couldn’t sleep.
Besides the fact that every position was uncomfortable for me to sleep in, the stress of the day had given me such a headache that I couldn’t sleep through the annoyance of the pain.
In addition to that, Blood’s phone wouldn’t stop ringing, and, unfortunately, he keeps the ringer on for business purposes. Today was Shon’s funeral; everybody from Blood and Shon’s hood were in the building, including Blood’s random whores and, Alicia, the numero uno whore. They have already been up in arms about Blood being missing in action, but the claws really came out when he walked into that church holding my pregnant hand.
The phone calls haven’t stopped since. He’s simply ignoring them and expects me to sleep through the constant barrage of ring tones as he drinks his misery away in the living room of the suite.
I opted to join him in the living room since sleep was not an option. I slipped into one of his t-shirts and followed the sound of the television. When I got into the living room, I sat beside him on the couch. He instantly reached for me to lay under him.
As I cuddled under his arm and lay on his chest, he asked, “What’s wrong with you?”
“Can’t sleep.”
“When are you due?”
“In two weeks; August 13th.”
“What do you think it is?”
I shrugged my shoulders as I answered, “I don’t know. My mother thinks it’s a boy by the way my stomach is sitting, but who knows.”
Then I looked up at Blood and saw that, though he was trying to have casual conversation, his eyes were still very weary.
“Are you okay?”
“Hell no,” he answered softly.
That’s when I sat up and attempted to console him. He laughed at the way I tried to reach over to hug him and put his head on my chest. My stomach was so big that he could hardly wrap his arms around me.
He opted for propping his head alongside my stomach as I lie back on the couch.
“Shon’s mother looked at me like she hated me,” he said.
“She just needs someone to blame.”
“I feel like it’s my fault. I trusted the wrong motherfuckas.”
“How were you supposed to know? Deceit comes with the game.”
“I just should have been more careful, kept my eyes open.”
“Your eyes are always open. You’re always careful. There will always be woulda, shoulda, couldas. Shon knew what he was getting into just as you do. It’s very sad that he’s dead, but you didn’t make him work for you.”
I knew that what I was saying was going through one of Blood’s e
ars and out the other. Shon has been his right hand for the last five years. Shon was his best friend and like a brother to him- not just someone who worked for him. They shared clothes, food, money, and even women. There was a bond that had been broken that could never be mended. I was sure that Blood wished he were dead, because being dead would be better than living with the pain of losing a loved one over something that involved him.
“We can go home tomorrow,” he told me.
“Are you sure?”
I was happy to be able to sleep in my own bed, but being at Shon’s funeral today brought to reality the danger that Blood faces, and, by association,that Iface because I am so closely connected with him and his work. Before Shon’s death, all possibilities were a maybe. We thought he might get robbed and that one day someone might try to kill him. Now, all of those possibilities seem inevitable, and it scares the shit out of me.
“I’m sure.”
“What about the other guys?”
“They’re long gone. I heard they’re in Minnesotaflipping my dope.”
“Are you going to go find them?”
“Nah. I’m tired. They can have it.”
Blood sounded so defeated, but I was more than happy to have the drama cease.
Then he asked me, “Do you think I should quit?”
“Do you think you should? Are you thinking about quitting?”
“I’m tired. I’m tired of watching my back. I don’t want anyone else dying because of me. I have money. Lots of it. I can get into something else; real estate, retail, anything.”
“True.”
“But the money wouldn’t come nearly as fast,” he said with a tired chuckle.
“I think you have more than enough to hold you over.”
Blood rolled his eyes as if I was full of it and should have known better. Yes, he has enough money to hold over a regular person with a regular appetite, but he is use to the finer things; things that a regular income can’t manage or maintain.
Fourteen
Sunday, August 2, 2009
VICTORIA
Lynn and I decided to skip church this morning.
When I woke up, the idea of spending the early morning hours in a wife beater, jeans, flip-flops, and lazy ponytail in my shades at the Pancake House devouring a breakfast skillet sounded a lot better than forcing myself into a hot suit to sit in that hot church while feeling miserable.
Lynn agreed.
Lynn has spent the majority of the weekend between my house and Ray’s; more so at Ray’s. She has yet to return home since Thursday evening, though she and Travis have spent countless hours on the phone debating about their marriage.
Lynn and I sat across from one another at a table near the window looking just as pathetic as the other. Between Jesse’s call and Taij’s continued interest in Pam, my anxiety was on beyond high. As a result, I started back taking small doses of the Valium.
“Taij took Pam out again last night.”
Lynn’s eyes bucked as she sipped her orange juice. “Girl, stop.”
“He did,” I promised. “I think he really likes her.”
“Likes her?”
I nodded with so much disappointment. I am sure that Taij has been with other women since we broke up. Hell, he had other women while we were still in a relationship, so no doubt he has enjoyed his fair share now. However, none of them ever affected me because none of those relationships seemed sufficient or concrete.
Yet, now, Taij seems to be turning his life around for the better and settling into his adulthood. It looks like he’s finding something consistent with this woman, Pam, and it is so painful to watch.
Lynn sighed and shook her head.“I wish you would just talk to him.”
“What if he isn’t interested in me? I will be back at the therapist’s office!”
“Just tell him. He is not the one that left the relationship- you did- so you don’t know if he still wanted to be with you or not.”
“He did leave the relationship. Emotionally, he was gone.”
“Men cheat,” Lynn said a matter-of-factly.
“I don’t want mine to.”
“Haven’t you made mistakes?”
“Lots of them.”
“Well, practice the same forgiveness that people have practiced on you.”
“There is nothing to forgive if he isn’t interested.”
“You won’t know until you talk to him.”
I pouted in irritation as I played with my grits. The Valium had me overly relaxed and nonchalant about everything that mattered. Even so, in my heart, I still felt the pain of watching Taij fall for another woman.
“You’re just stubborn. It’s okay for you to look weak, Vic! No one is going to laugh and point at you if Taij rejects you. What are you so scared of?”
What isn’t there to be scared of? Taij is everything that a woman wants: a strong man, great father, and an awesome provider. The lover in me would forgive him for his sins and take any opportunity to have a strong family again. It is my mind that can’t help but to remember the pain he put me through when I loved him even more than I loved myself.
“I’m scared of finally realizing that we’ll never be together again,” I answered. “What Taij and I had was something different from the ordinary boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. We had a connection. There was chemistry. There was instantly a natural kinship between us. We loved each other unconditionally. The bond between us was one that I only previously had with Lyric and Tricey- and what I imagine people only have with their family. It hurt me to no end that he willingly threw that away for a piece of ass. The relationship that he and I shared is not something that people feel with everybody. I know we have a connection because we’re able to be a family without being in a sexual relationship. I just don’t want to mess things up with his rejection.”
“I don’t have that with Travis,” Lynn confessed quietly.
“You never have?”
Lynn shook her head assertively as she sat and looked out of the restaurant window. People walked back and forth to their cars. Many of them were dressed in their Sunday’s best; either coming from or going to church.
“Never,” Lynn answered after a pause. “I loved him, but I loved him because he got me pregnant and I was taught that I was supposed to be with him because he was the father of my child. I married him because I was taught that I was supposed to; not because in my heart I felt like he was the man that I or God wanted me to marry.”
Tears began to form in her eyes and soon she was wiping them away one by one, trying not to cause a scene in the restaurant.
“I just can’t believe I wasted so many years of my life in a marriage that I ended up hating so much.”
“You’re not the first woman that this has happened to. People fall in and out of love all the time.”
“But like you said, when there is a kinship, when there is a genuine like for one another, the love stays. The butterflies and passion for one another may come and go, but the genuine appreciate and like for one another stays. That does not exist in my household. Travis is willing to grow old with that, but I can’t. I just can’t spend the rest of my life with it.”
LYRIC
“Girl, he is fine as hell. Stop acting stuck up and go talk to him.”
I ignored Cory and the “fine as hell” brotha who was eyeing me as Cory and I walked the cereal aisle of Dominick’s.
I was doing some light grocery shopping before Cory and I found a restaurant to have lunch and drinks.
“You are soooo stupid,” Cory muttered.
I wasn’t being stupid. Yes, homeboy is nice looking, but I have had my fair share of men for the week. Right now, men and my sexual attraction to them feels so overrated. I just want to be left alone.
Jelani hasn’t stopped calling and text messaging me since Thursday. Every day there has been more than twenty calls, a dozen voicemails, damn near hundreds of text messages, and only God knows how many times he IM’d me because I haven�
�t logged in out of fear.
“He’s still behiiiind you,” Cory sang with a smile as I glanced over the Post cereals.
I laughed and told him, “That’s signs of a stalker.”
“He may be what your dyke ass needs.”
“I am tired of dick and vagina. I want them both to leave me the hell alone.”
Then Cory did what he always does: whatever the hell he wants to do. Before I knew it, he was walking down the aisle towards the guy. The poor guy didn’t know what the hell was going on as this flamboyantly gay man switched towards him swinging invisible hair.
I hid my face as Cory chatted him up. I was so embarrassed. Not only did I not feel like being bothered, but I didn’t look the best to be courting anyone in Dominick’s. I had only slipped on a pair of shorts, a tank, and flip-flops when leaving the house, and my hair was barely combed.
To my surprise, within minutes, he and Cory were walking my way. I hid my face deeper into the brands of cereal to hide my expression.
Cory spoke all too excitedly. “Hey, hun! This is James Owens. James, this is Lyric Caldwell. Lyric, James lives in Richton Park. He’s thirty and has no children. He’s also an engineer for Union South railroad… Talk to him.”
Then as quickly as he put me on Front Street, Cory took my basket and walked further down the aisle to continue our shopping.
Both James and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Well, it looks like you don’t have a choice,” James said.
“I guess I don’t.”
“I would have said something to you on my own, but you were obviously avoiding me.”
I put up a fake front by looking offended at the notion. “Did I come off that way? I didn’t even notice you noticing me.”
James just smiled, revealing a set of deep dimples amongst his dark complexion. He was as dark as I like them; rich ebony skin like dark chocolate. He was about 6’3” and appeared just over two-hundred and fifty pounds that was appropriately distributed over the exact football build that I lust for. He wasn’t so overly cute in the face, but his distinct full facial features, including light eyes and a gorgeous smile, coupled with his overtly cool swagger gave him awhole lot of sex appeal.
Good Girls Ain't No Fun Boxed Set (The SIX romance and urban fiction volumes of the LOVE, SEX, LIES series) Page 33