“Yes, I am. I swear. And the next time he pops up out of nowhere, I am shooting him.”
“Okay ‘Gangsta Boo’,” Cory replied as he laughed sarcastically.
“Think I’m playin’? He is steady jumping out of bushes and climbing through windows like some kinda Spiderman. I will shoot his ass. I wouldn’t shoot him in any vital organs, but I will fuck his knees up!”
We all fell out laughing as Blood entered the living room looking like he just woke up. He squinted as if the sunlight from the window bothered his eyes. Cory lusted quietly at Blood’s bare chest as I forced myself not to notice the nice-sized bulge barely hidden by his basketball shorts.
Blood greeted us all with, “What’s up?”
Me and Cory both said, “Hey, Blood” like little schoolgirls.
Then he told Tricey, “Come here for a minute,” and walked out.
It took Tricey great effort to get up from the floor, so I quickly stood up to help her.
“Lyric, give me that guy’s information. I’ll take care of it for you,” I heard Blood say before he disappeared into the back of the condo.
I looked worriedly at Tricey.
Of course, Cory had a dramatic response. “Aw shit! You done got Jelani killed!”
“He is not going to kill him,” Tricey affirmed. “But he will whoop his ass.”
Then she excused herself as she left the room.
“Tell me again why she isn’t fucking him,” Cory said once Tricey and Blood were long gone.
I laughed. “I know, right? They have some sort of a weird brother-sister, kinda like husband-wife, relationship.”
“Well, she needs to kinda like get her single-mother-ass up on that shit. He is rolling in the dizzo. And did you see that imprint in those shorts?” Cory then crooned as he started to fan himself.
Hell, I needed to fan myself too.
TRICEY
I stood in the doorway and looked at Blood curiously. “What happened?”
I know something is up. Blood has the same look that he gets when he has some bullshit to tell me. It’s the exact same look he’s had seemingly every day for the past couple of weeks.
“I just got a call from Smith. Those niggas came back from the Pop.”
The “Pop” is Minnesota. I cringed at the thought of Banks’ boys being back in this city.
“They came on the block braggin’ about gettin’ on, all this money they been makin’ in the Pop, blah, blah, blah.”
“Okay. And?”
“And I just want you to be careful. Watch your back. I’m not saying that you have anything to worry about, but just in case they feelin’ froggish again…”
He left it at that.
“In the meantime, I’mma have Smith come over here and we gone get this shit out of your house for a lil’ while.”
I just stood in the doorway looking at him. I didn’t have anything to say because there was nothing to say. I knew that it wasn’t going to stop with Banks being killed just because Blood said so.
“Are they asking about who killed Banks?’
“They don’t need to. I’m sure they know what’s what. I’m goin’ on the block to see what’s what myself, though. Okay?”
“If I say no, will you stay?”
He laughed to lighten my mood. “Probably not.”
When he saw that I wasn’t laughing, he got serious along with me. He stood, came to me, put his arms around me as much as he could, and kissed my cheek. “I’ll be okay.”
I didn’t say anything. My worry wasn’t just about his life, but mine as well.
“I promise,” he told me as he kissed me again.
Blood looked at me, begging me to have faith in him. However, I knew who to put my faith in, so I began to pray.
Sixteen
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
VICTORIA
“Do you want a cup of coffee?”
It was about three in the afternoon, much too late for coffee, but my head was starting to hurt from the lack of caffeine.
Taij nodded his head as he sat at my kitchen table, looking out of the window at nothing in particular. He has been at my place all day, opting to spend his day off work with DeSire. For the majority of the day, he played with DeSire in her room and in the yard as I caught up on some schoolwork at the computer desk in the living room.
I even cooked him breakfast, though I shouldn’t have. Not that he didn’t deserve it, but the domestic nature of doing so, coupled with his visit… the whole thing really put me in a somber place.
I lived to do things like that for him when we were together: cook, clean, feed him, fuck him, and suck him. Having him in such close quarters makes it hard enough to deal with being single, but actually carrying out some of those womanly duties put me in a comfort zone that I shouldn’t be in if it’s not permanent.
“How you doin’?”
I sat a cup of coffee in front of him as I sat across from him at the table. DeSire was down for her afternoon nap, so Taij was finally free to get a word in edgewise.
“Good,” I responded. “I can’t complain.”
But, whether I should be or not, I was complaining like hell on the inside. I can no longer deny my need for companionship. Last year, I attempted to get that fix by hopping from one dick to the next. And though I was very occupied, I was emotionally ruined, and as a result, have spent the last eight months tending to me. I have tried to stay prayed up and busy while I continue to work on my own emotional stability.
Nevertheless, no matter what I do, I miss Taij. No matter the tears I cried over him, the many nights I waited for him, or even the times I spent screaming at him, I miss him nonetheless. The comfort and relaxation that I felt with him in my life outweighed the bullshit we experienced.
For a long time I thought I just missed the companionship. However, after being accompanied by very good prospects, even prospects that physically surpassed Taij, I learned better. Deep down, I knew that none of them replaced Taij emotionally or spiritually.
“What’s been going on with you?”
Taij nonchalantly shrugged and answered, “Nothing much.”
Then I gave him a sly smile and asked, “Oh really?”
“What does that smile mean?”
“You’ve been up to something.”
“Up to what?”
“Up to Pam. She seems to be mighty chipper these days.”
I was lying. I purposely didn’t pay any more attention to Pam than I did before she went out with Taij. I don’t want to give her the pleasure of Taij’s “baby’s mama” acting jealous.
“Nah, it’s not like that,” he answered. His answer was so nonchalant, the way most men responded to other women concerning the woman that he is dating.
“Do you like her?”
“I told you, she’s cool.”
“No. I mean, do you like her? You’ve gone out with her a few times now. I need to know if she’s going to be my daughter’s step-mommy.” I tried laughing it off as if I was joking, but I was anxiously anticipating his answer.
“She’s cool,” is all he told me with a sly grin that had the nerve to be so damn cute.
“Are you dating anyone else?”
He laughed nervously. “Why are we having this conversation?”
“Why can’t we? We’re cool. I’m comfortable knowing about your beaus.”
Taij’s nervous curiosity about my questions wasn’t uncalled for. Though we’ve made it to this point where we’ve managed to get along with each other well enough to be in the same room, hold a conversation, and crack a few jokes, we were far from best friends who shared deep details about our personal lives that didn’t have anything to do with our daughter.
“Well, no, I am not dating anyone else,” he answered seriously. “But not because I have some kind of commitment to her. Pam and I are not ‘dating’. We’ve hung out a few times. That’s it.”
I just sat there giving him the same sly grin that he was giving me. Admittedly, it felt so comfort
able and familiar to be in this environment with him.
“What about you?”
“Am I dating? No,” I answered.
Taij looked at me the way most men look when women answer this question; like I was full of shit.
“As much as you are over here, have you seen me go on a date?”
“No.”
“But I’ve seen you go on plenty, right?”
He conceded with silence.
“Right.”
“Why aren’t you dating anyone?”
Hmmm, now how do I answer that? Do I tell him that he broke my heart just to see what was inside, then ruined our happiness before he could enjoy its contents, which left me so emotionally scarred that I fucked emotionlessly for damn near a year trying to ignore the pain? Should I tell him that he, along with life’s other bullshit, screwed my head up so much that I had to see a damn shrink?
“Just in between potential right now,” I lied.
Taij and I continued to talk casually, I looked at him and mentally put myself back into our relationship. I wanted to distinguish if, in my imagination, I felt ashamed of being back in a relationship that previously caused me so much pain. The majority of our relationship was heaven, but that small portion of the bad was just too embarrassing to overlook.
I should have listened to those older women that said don’t tell your friends all of your relationship’s business, because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have to explain to them why I was willing to get back with a man that slept with half my circle of friends, no matter how small that circle was.
There is just something about the importance of us being together that outweighs him penetrating heifers that I don’t even talk to anymore.
Taij broke my mental rambling. “What are you thinking about?”
“What makes you think that I’m thinking?”
“C’mon now, I know you.” Then he gave me a wink and smile that assured me that some things are just worth looking like a fool over.
LYNN
I was in a lawn chair on Ray’s patio checking emails and paying some bills online on my laptop while Ray cooked us dinner on the grill.
It was the perfect summer evening; mid-eighties with just enough breeze to cool you off when the sweat started to surface. It was a great night for being outside in Ray’s gated, romantically lit backyard. I felt so comfortable inside the high vinyl fencing because I knew no one could see us, giving us lots of privacy.
In between turning the meat, Ray would sit beside me and watch me work with a sly grin. I knew what the grin meant because I had it too. It was anticipation of our lovemaking since it has been days since we have been able to have intercourse.
I intentionally haven’tspent too much time at Ray’s for the past couple of days. I have become too comfortable being here. I chose to spend more time at Vic’s and family members’ homes instead. I want my head to stay as clear and focused as possible, so that I am sure that, in the event I leave my marriage, I am leaving because of how I feel about my marriage and not because of how Ray makes me feel about my marriage.
“About time,” Ray joked as I finally shutdown the laptop and sat it on the ground.
He took me by the hand and pulled me towards him. I ended up straddling him on his lap. I giggled from the light, ticklish sensation of the small kisses he instantly placed along my neck.
“He, he, he,” Ray mocked me.
“Well, it tickles,” I purred, still giggling.
The more we kissed and petted, the bigger his erection got. Since it took Ray no time at all to lift my dress and cuff my butt as he played in my neck, I could feel it pulse against my thighs.
As music played from the radio in the kitchen, I couldn’t deny how alive and free I felt.
Then my cell phone began to ring and snapped me back into reality.
Ray groaned in frustration as I stopped his snack to grab my cell that lay on the chair beside us.
I only stopped to check because I was awaiting a call from my children. They have been so confused and upset since I left. Though I miss my kids very dearly, I need to take all the time I can to figure out what the hell I am going to do.
When I saw that it was my home number calling me, I immediately answered. I just knew it was the kids since it wasn’t time for Travis to be home yet.
“Hello?”
“Can you talk?”
To my surprise, it was in fact Travis. Travis has been very upset about me leaving, but I know he is more upset that he has to answer inquiries from the pastor and church members than the fact that I was contemplating a separation.
“Right now isn’t a good time, Travis,” I answered.
When Ray heard Travis’ name, his expression immediately changed. He went from all smiles and ready to stick something in me to flat out pissed.
Every time Travis comes up in our conversations, Ray gets irritated. He doesn’t understand why it is so hard for me to leave my marriage. He was not raised in a fanatically and devoted religious household, so he doesn’t understand the stigma behind divorce. He doesn’t understand the shame of explaining to your church home why you’ve given up on relying on God to fix what He put together. He didn’t understand how so many of my friends will probably stop talking to me and how I will probably have to leave my church altogether; therefore separating me from people and duties that have been like a second family and part-time job to me.
I cut Travis short and told him that I would call him back shortly.
“Have you decided what you’re going to do yet, Lynn?”
Ray seemed to ask me this every other day. He wasn’t asking for himself, because honestly our relationship hasn’t gone to a level of love or anything. He was asking for me, for my laziness with leaving something that I knew I hated, including a husband that doesn’t even care if I am there or not.
As I sat still on his lap, I just looked at him as if he should already know the answer.
Despite my discomfort with the conversation, Ray continued to interrogate me. “What’s taking you so long to figure it out?”
“I’ve explained all of this to you already.”
“Yea, you did, and it sounded like a bunch of bullshit to me.”
That hurt. “Excuse me?”
Though Ray and I haven’t been seeing one another for that long, he knows me; the religious me, the God fearing me, the me that cries myself to sleep because I am so ashamed of backsliding, and the me that is so fearful of God that I am willing to stay in my marriage just to follow His commandments.
“Leave him, Lynn! Leave him! It’s simple as that,” Ray said.
“No, it’s not!”
“If you know that you all don’t love each other anymore, what is the hesitation? You can’t be that scared of God if you’re sitting here on my lap.”
That truth hurt even worse. It was a gut punch that hit me in the pit of my stomach.
“You’re just making excuses, babe,” he told me. “Stop making excuses and just leave.”
“And do what? Live where? Though it is very possible for me to leave and find a place to stay, these things take time. It’s hard asking someone if you can stay with them until you get on your feet when you have four kids attached to your hip.”
“Figure it out. Women do it all the time.”
He didn’t get it. He didn’t get that, until recently, my husband, my home, and my routine was all I’ve known for the past ten years. He didn’t get that, though I feel the best I’ve felt since I was nineteen, I fear God more than leaving Travis and starting over, so even though I can sit here on his lap, I am deathly scared to my bones of what I have reaped into my life due to my actions.
Ray continued as I sat in silent recovery. “Even if you don’t know what you are going to do for you, how long are you going take while you’re sitting here playing with me?”
“I’m not playing with you,” I swore. “You know how I feel. I would never continue this relationship if I wasn’t sure that my marriage is
over.”
“Then call him and tell him that you want the divorce.”
“No. I can’t just…”
“Call him!” Then Ray swiftly picked up my cell phone, slid it open, and began dialing my home number.
I reacted without thinking; smacking his face, snatching my cell phone, and jumping up in order to keep my phone away from him. I didn’t know why I reacted like that. When I saw him grab that phone, the reality of him calling Travis just scared me to death.
I apologized immediately. “I’m so sorry.”
But Ray couldn’t have thought less of my apology. “Get out.” He spoke to me in such a calm tone that I knew he was beyond pissed at me. “Get out!”
“Ray, please…”
“GEEET OUUUT!”
Deep embarrassment led me. I quickly gathered my laptop and purse, and then I literally ran out of the backyard.
By the time I got in the car, I was so appreciative to God for what just happened. That brief ten-minute altercation was an eye-opening experience for me. Just the notion of Ray calling my husband put such fear in my heart that I finally realized what the hell I have been doing. I needed to figure out what I was going to do so that I can take care of my family in the most tender and careful way possible. I was so busy enjoying “freedom” that I forgot my role as a mother and a God-fearing woman.
True, I didn’t love Travis anymore. Equally truthful was that I didn’t love my life either. I also didn’t love Ray, and I certainly didn’t love the way that I got so frustrated with things that I backslid and disobeyed the one person that I know loves me.
LYRIC
“Well, James, it’s been fun, but I have to go.”
I have been on the phone with James, the engineer that I met in the grocery store a few days ago, for about an hour. With all of the drama that Jelani has been causing, I actually forgot about meeting James until he called.
Though I am still way too fed up with the opposite sex at the moment to court anyone, I needed his conversation to forget about my bullshit. I was so glad to talk to him. He was such a reminder of what I did need. His dialogue was laidback, so cool, and so fresh in comparison to the bizarre situations I’ve found myself in lately. He restored normalcy in my chaotic life.
Good Girls Ain't No Fun Boxed Set (The SIX romance and urban fiction volumes of the LOVE, SEX, LIES series) Page 35