“I’m not miserable, just tired. And when I should be sleeping, I’ve got you here giving me grief.”
She plunked her hands on her hips and I braced myself for the onslaught I knew was coming. Danielle didn’t get upset often, but when she did you’d better look out. She was like a tornado, taking down everything in her path. “The only reason I have to give you grief is because you’re hiding something from me. Every time you guys leave it gets worse. If you would just talk to me, I could help you figure it out. You smiled for the first time in weeks last night and it wasn’t for me or Marissa, but for the woman you met at the bar. So stop pretending that you didn’t enjoy getting to know her, get off your ass, and call her. Before you leave.”
She had a point.
Greg was the only one who knew about the nightmares. I’d kept it a secret from everyone else, especially Danielle. What the hell was I supposed to tell her? “Thanks for bringing the Danish. By the way, did I happen to mention I keep having nightmares about the night your first husband died?”
It probably wouldn’t go over that well.
“And what do you suggest I tell her? I’d like to see you again, but I need to press pause for about three months. Mind waiting for me?” I cringed at the sarcasm rolling off my tongue, but I did nothing to stop it.
Because it was the truth.
“That makes you sound like the world’s biggest jerk. She can’t expect you not to be deployed at some point, knowing you’re in the Army.”
I broke my eye contact with her.
“She doesn’t know you’re in the Army, does she?” Danielle’s mouth fell open. “You . . . you . . . you didn’t tell her?” she sputtered. “Usually you use it to pick up woman.”
“I wanted to talk to a woman without the Army hanging over my head—at least, for one night.”
Her brow creased. “I honestly don’t know what to say to that. Do you want to leave the Army?”
“No, nothing like that. I want a woman to choose me for me, not for of what I do. You know this isn’t the most glamorous life.”
And like that, the truth about Joey poured from my lips. I couldn’t stop myself from spewing every last detail about our night together. The fear, the worry, all centered around my choice of career—a career I loved more than anything. Could I bring myself to leave someone behind every time we left? At the end I was exhausted. Danielle’s face was a mixture of sympathy and something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
Maybe pity?
“I guess I wanted a chance for us to get to know each other without having to ask her to wait around while I’m overseas.”
Danielle laid her hand on my arm. “I get that, I really do. But no woman in this world wants to wait three months before hearing from a guy. If you truly liked her, call and explain.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Somehow I convinced Danielle to change the subject while we ate. A little while later she left to give her mother-in-law a break from the baby. Thankfully she hadn’t asked me to promise to call Joey. I never made a promise I couldn’t keep.
And I definitely had no intention of calling Joey until I came home.
Chapter 5
Colin
Gunfire surrounded us. The targets were well hidden in the dark, starless night, but the soft whirling sound caught my attention.
It was too late.
The explosion happened seconds later. Pain seared through my stomach and out through the rest of my body and my knees buckled, unable to support my weight through the agony. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw people running toward me.
“Oh fuck, Colin,” Nate shouted. “Stay with me. Help is on its way.”
A familiar mane of light brown hair headed in my direction. I’d recognize those blue eyes anywhere.
“Colin,” Joey cried.
What the fuck is she doing here?
“Joey,” I croaked. “It’s not safe here. You need to go home where it’s safe. Why would you come to this horrible place?”
“I’ll protect you,” she said, taking my hand.
“You’ll be okay.” Nate laid his hand on my other arm.
I could feel the blood dripping down my sides. I couldn’t feel my legs anymore. In the silence of the night . . .
Wait.
When did the fighting stop?
A single shot rang out. Nate’s eyes widened before he collapsed next to me, his mouth forming an “O” as his last breath left his lips.
“Nate.” I tried to hold him up but my body became weaker with every passing second.
Another shot.
No.
No.
No.
Please don’t let it have hit her.
Joey’s mouth twisted, her face contorted as she fell forward, landing on top of me. I held her close, protecting her with what little strength I had left. That was when I felt the wetness on the back of her shirt.
“Joey?” I whispered. “Please be okay.”
My arms could no longer hold her as her limp body fell to my side.
“Joey!”
I bolted upright in bed.
Reaching across the empty space next to me, I tried to find her, to feel her warmth. I needed a guarantee that she was still alive.
As the nightmare evaporated into the night air I began taking in deep, calming breaths.
Joey was a civilian.
She worked for an airline.
She would be nowhere near enemy lines in Afghanistan.
Why the hell didn’t I call her?
I could tell the morning I left that she wanted me to stay. But I’d been stubborn, convincing myself with stupid reasons. I needed her close. My legs and arms trembled with the horrifying images I couldn’t push out of my head.
If only I’d called her before.
Throwing my legs over the side of the bed, I gave the clock a quick glance to see there were still a few hours to go before we had to report for duty. Hopefully, I hadn’t woken Greg with my yelling. He was most likely ignoring me. He was still pretty pissed that I refused to talk to the chaplain about my nightmares. Maybe he was right. I needed to get a handle on them before it impacted my performance overseas.
I noticed my appearance in the bathroom mirror as I went to the sink, the low light doing nothing to hide the dark circles under my eyes. In the month since I met Joey the dreams had only gotten worse. Nate was no longer the only victim in my dreams. Sometimes it was me; other times, her. What I couldn’t understand was why my mind kept putting her in the desert that night. The only thing I could come up with was that my natural instinct was to protect her and keep her safe.
Turning on the cold water, I splashed some of it on my face. Either I was getting up and staying up, or I needed to calm myself down and try to go back to sleep. My heart was still pounding so hard I thought it might leap right out of my chest so I took a deep breath and held it.
After a few more attempts my muscles began to relax and I finally began to feel like myself again.
Calm, cool and collected.
I knew there was no way I’d be able to go back to sleep. I grabbed a book from my nightstand, taking it to the living room. I flicked through it, not paying any particular attention to the words, just using the time to collect myself, waiting for Greg to emerge from his room to head over to the air field.
An hour or so later I heard Greg moving around. Eventually he walked down the hall and into the living room, already dressed in his camo, and dropped his bag by the door. “Shit, Colin, how long have you been sitting there?”
“A little while.”
He shook his head. “So now you’re shouting Joey’s name during the nightmares too? I really wish you would talk to someone.”
“I ran out of time. I’ll try when we get back.” I stood and took my mug to the kitchen to wash it before we left. “They always go away once we arrive at the base and get settled.”
“You’re an idiot if you think that’s going to keep happening. They’re
getting worse, not better. If don’t get your shit together it’s going to affect you in the worst possible scenario.” He stepped in front of me, hands crossed over his chest. “And I’m not going to let that happen. One,” he held out one finger. “One nightmare when we get there and I’m turning your ass in.”
I stood toe to toe with him. “You wouldn’t.”
“Try me.” He stared me straight in the eye. “You’re my friend, but if turning you in keeps me from having to put one less person back together then, fuck yes, I will.”
He had a point. Just not one that my conscious mind wanted to admit.
“Fucker.”
I turned to walk back to my room and get ready, when Greg grabbed my arm. “Don’t be an asshole. You and I both know you’d blame yourself if something happened to someone else because you didn’t have your head on straight.”
My shoulders dropped and I looked at the ground. “If my nightmares don’t go away, I’ll turn myself in.”
“Fair enough.” He let my arm go and I went to go change and collect my things.
Danielle and Tanner picked us up a little while later.
“I don’t know why we have to do this shit every time we leave. We go at least once a year and we’re back in the blink of an eye,” I complained from the backseat. I usually didn’t complain but the lack of sleep was overriding my good judgment.
Danielle turned around to glare at me. “Some of us like the chance to say good-bye to our husbands. Three months doesn’t feel like the ‘blink of an eye’ when you’re the one here waiting.”
Tanner narrowed his eyes at me in the review mirror. Shit, I’d really pissed her off. I clasped her on the shoulder. “Sorry, Danielle, that’s not what I meant. I’m just tired. I don’t mean to be a jerk.”
She nodded, but turned around to face forward once again. Greg looked over at me and rolled his eyes. Dropping my head onto the back of the seat, I vowed to be quiet for the rest of the ride. At least if I was silent, I couldn’t say anything else to piss someone off.
It wasn’t a long drive but even so, by the time we got there I needed to get out of the car. The tension was palpable. Danielle immediately jumped out of the car and sat on the hood. I thought for a moment she might head inside without the rest of us, but as I looked closer I swore I saw her shoulders shaking.
“Fuck.”
“Fix it,” Tanner snapped, getting out of the car to collect the bags from the back.
“I warned you before we left that all this was going to cause more shit. I’ll help Tanner grab the bags. You better go talk to her or he’s likely to beat your ass when we land.”
Greg followed Tanner to the trunk of the car.
“Goddamn it.”
Taking a deep breath I climbed out of the backseat and walked toward Danielle. Her arms were crossed over her chest and the moment she heard me get close, she began brushing furiously at her eyes.
“Oh shit, I’m sorry.” I brought her over to me and wrapped her in a tight embrace. Danielle buried her face in my neck, and I understood how badly I’d fucked up. This was her last chance to see her husband. Three months might go fast, but that was only if you came home the same as you left.
Or came home at all.
“This is something I need,” she whispered into my chest.
I ran my hand up and down her back. “I know. I shouldn’t have said it. I didn’t really mean it. My head is somewhere else, I guess.”
She pulled back and looked at me. “You can’t leave with your head all messed up. It’s not safe.”
“Greg reminded me of that this morning. I’ll be fine.”
Shrewd eyes watched me. “This have anything to do with the girl you took home that night? You haven’t paid attention to another woman since then.”
“Maybe a little. I’ve had a few dreams lately.” There was no need to tell her how bad the dreams had gotten.
She stepped out of my embrace and wiped her eyes. “Well, maybe you should have called her—like I told you to.”
Relieved that the moment seemed to have passed, I dropped my arm over her shoulder. “You know I’m not very good at doing what I’m told.”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I know.”
“Come on, let’s go get your husband and get inside.”
I turned to get my bags out of the trunk when Danielle stopped me. “Promise me one thing.”
I looked back at her. “What’s that?”
“That you’ll push it all out of your mind and stay safe over there.”
I hugged her once more. “I will.”
She smiled and gave me a light push. “Okay, go get your stuff.”
After I got my bags we went inside. All of the pomp and circumstance was over in the blink of an eye. Danielle said a tearful good-bye to everyone, giving Tanner a kiss that made anyone watching long for what they shared. I’d worried so much about her after Nate, but the way she’d picked herself up gave me hope.
A second love could be as strong as the first.
Time passed quickly as we boarded the buses to head out to the airfield. Even the flight over didn’t seem to take long. Once I got my bags stowed I strapped in and went to sleep.
By the time we landed I felt more rested. Exactly like I’d predicted, I’d slept without any nightmares. For the first time since getting our deployment orders, I felt like myself. The transports brought us to our temporary home for the next three months. Right then it was about the basics: set up your bunk, and get orders from the commanders in country.
The sergeants had a separate bunk house than the other rangers, which meant Greg, Tanner, and I, plus a few others, would be roommates for our time here, each of us having our own small room; a place we could get away from the additional stress of being a ranger. After getting all of our stuff settled, Greg and Tanner left for medical to find out what they were dealing with. While they were trained rangers and could be asked to fight at any moment, when not needed in combat they focused on taking care of the wounded and sick.
My job led me to the Lt.’s tent. An update on our relationship with the locals was important. Things changed drastically from one week to the next, and being gone for six months left a lot up in the air.
I left feeling much more confident than when I arrived. It seemed the insurgents had been laying low, and our relationship with the people improved daily. Heading to my men’s bunks to fill them in on the situation in country, something caught my eye. Stopping dead in my tracks, my heart racing, my blood rushing through my ears until it was the only sound I could hear, I turned to look at a face I’d only seen in my dreams lately.
It can’t be.
“Joey?”
Chapter 6
Joey
Who in the hell was calling me Joey? Not here. Here I was always Sgt. Brant. Spinning on my heel, I came face to face with the one person I’d never planned on seeing again. I figured he would have forgotten about me by the time I arrived back home again.
“Colin?”
How did I not realize that he was in the military? The red flag should have been the bar. Being so close to the base, it was often frequented by soldiers. Plus the fact he’d said he worked for the government. I watched as his features contorted: his nostrils flared, his brow pinching above his eyes.
Wait a second.
It wasn’t like he’d told me he was in the military—why was he pissed because I was? His eyes moved down to land on my name tag.
“Sgt. Brant, a word please?” he said, his tone low.
“Yes, sir.” We might both be sergeants, but the sergeant major insignia on his arms meant, at least in view of other soldiers, I needed to agree. He gestured toward one of empty meeting tents, and I followed.
The second the flap dropped behind him, he rounded on me. “How do you forget to mention that you’re in the Army?” he snarled.
Oh, hell no. “I guess that would be the same way you forgot to tell me.”
“Don’t be smart with me.”
>
I crossed my arms over my chest and stared him down. “I’ll be whatever I want. Right now you’re not talking to me as a soldier, you’re yelling at some woman you fucked a few weeks ago.”
He flinched. Good. My goal was to get a reaction out of him. Anything to see whether or not he could show a little remorse for the way he left that morning. I’d thought about calling him back to rip him a new one, but I realized that would be counterproductive. After all, I only had two weeks until I left. And if he wanted to stay and make a go of it, I’d have tell him everything; something I wasn’t ready to do. It wasn’t that I was ashamed of my job. I actually loved it. But it scared most of the men I tried to date away. I guess it made them feel small, or insignificant.
I wouldn’t trade my job for any man. If I left the Army it would be my decision, something I wanted to do for me. No man would force me out of this job and by the look on Colin’s face, I could tell this mind was working along those lines.
“I told you I worked for the government.”
“Like I would have figured it out from that small hint. This is ridiculous. I have a job to do and you’re interfering. Do you need anything else Sgt. Maj. Dunham?”
I turned my back to him.
“I didn’t want to leave that morning, but I had things I needed to take care of, plus . . . I didn’t want you to worry about me, or feel like you had to wait for me while I was away.”
His confession caught me off guard. “You could have told me you were going away for work and that you’d call later, instead of leaving without a word.”
He started to pace around the space.
“But, no, I didn’t tell you either. Maybe I didn’t want another guy I was interested in running the other way because, somehow, me being in the Army makes them feel like less of a man.”
That stopped him in his tracks. “Did you really believe that’s what I would think?”
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