Just Once

by Rebecca Brooke

  I’d broken her.

  Which was fitting because I was broken too.

  Had my leg not been useless, I might have run after her. Part of me wanted to. But for the first time since the accident, I found myself grateful that my body was a joke. Joey didn’t need that kind of baggage in her life. I was doing the right thing in letting her go.

  So why does it feel wrong?

  Feeling as if I might puke up the liquor left in my stomach, I dropped down onto the bed and let the pain envelop me. I deserved it with the way I treated her. She may have pretended to be strong, but the small tear at the corner of her eye said that wasn’t the truth.

  Muffled discussion in the living room filtered down the hall. I didn’t bother trying to figure out what they were saying. I was past the point of caring. My chest hurt more than my leg ever had. A piece of me had walked out the door with Joey. I’d probably never see her again. The only thing I wanted to do for the rest of the night was curl up with some Jack and hope I drank enough to pass out.

  The door slammed open, smashing into the wall and there, in the doorway, stood one pissed off angel. Feet apart, arms crossed over her chest. Her face red and her eyes puffy.

  “Let’s go.” She gestured toward the hall.

  “Who do you think you are?”

  She took a step into the room. Greg and Tanner took their places right behind her.

  “You have two choices: you can get your ass off that bed and into the car on your own, or Greg and Tanner can drag your ass out to the car kicking and screaming the entire way. At this point, I don’t really fucking care how you get there. We’re going for a ride.”

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Staying here isn’t an option, so choose.” She took a few more steps until she was standing over me.

  “Why the fuck do you care?” I stared up at her, refusing to move from my spot.

  She bent down to look me directly in the eye. “Because I want the man I fell in love with back. And I don’t care what it takes to make that happen.”

  “That man is gone.”

  “No, he’s buried under all of the bullshit you forced on him. Now get in the goddamn car before I lose my shit and let these two drag you out of here. Trust me when I tell you they would be more than happy to do it.”

  I rose so fast, Joey had to take a step back. She needed to back down and as horrible as it was, I intended to try and intimidate her into leaving. I hated the person I was being. This wasn’t me. But at the same time it was. This was me looking after her the only way I could.

  Blood pounded through my ears, the urge to destroy the room overwhelming me. Where did these three think they were going to take me? I ground my teeth together in an attempt to keep my feet rooted to the floor. Wherever it was, I knew it would be somewhere I didn’t want to be. Their choice was obvious, but I wanted to hold out hope they wouldn’t betray me like that.

  Joey stood her ground. Apparently, I’d been wrong when I thought I could scare her into submission. I should have known better. Like I said, Joey didn’t back down. It seemed as though this was a fight she was determined to win.

  I cast a quick glance over at Tanner and Greg. I was positive they’d drag me to that car any way they could so, with a growl, I stomped around her, practically pushing her out of the way. My leg protested with every step I made.

  “I fucking hate all of you.”

  Her eyes flashed, the emotion in them quickly hidden behind a mask of determination.

  They kept their eyes on me as I passed. I hobbled to the car, my leg still refusing to bend at a ninety-degree angle. It was hard to maintain your dignity when your movement was as limited as mine, but I did my best. Not that they gave two shits about that.

  Without a word they followed me down to the car, Tanner and Greg waiting for me to get in before climbing into the car behind us. My blood boiled and it took every ounce of self-control I possessed to keep my temper contained. Joey sat in the driver’s seat. The way her eyes focused out the front windshield instead of looking at me hurt more than I could imagine.

  The liquor was the only thing that helped to keep everything under control. It dulled my senses, preventing me from feeling too much. Who cared if I passed out from it once in a while. Without it, I felt like an emotional yo-yo, jumping from one extreme to the other in a matter of seconds.

  No one spoke as Joey pulled out of the space and onto the road. I noticed Tanner following behind us. I still hadn’t figured out where they planned on taking me. Not that I was interested.

  Until they pulled up outside of my commander’s office.

  Chaplain Hayes sat on the bench out front. “Let’s go,” Joey said, stepping from the car, slamming the door shut behind her.

  I clambered out as best I could, what with the red haze descending before my eyes. “What the ever-loving fuck makes you think I’m going in there?”

  “Because your choices are the same as they were before we left.”

  “Who the hell gave you the right to tell me what to do?” I snapped.

  Her head twisted in my direction. Her face was flushed, her body held rigid. Behind the cool façade was a woman on the verge of violence.

  “I did. I’m not going to watch you throw your career in the trash by being stubborn.”

  “Haven’t you been paying attention? My career is already over!”

  Her hands slammed down on the hood of the car. “Then what does it hurt to walk through that door. Does it hurt your pride? Think you’re less of a man because you need help?” The vein at the base of my neck pulsed. “Maybe you are less of a man. A real man wouldn’t be afraid. He stands up for himself and for the people that love him. Or maybe I’m completely wrong and you don’t love anyone.”

  My head pounded as I rounded the car to defend myself, one hand bracing against the metal, dragging my cane with the other. A pain like I hadn’t known before shot up my leg but anger propelled me forward. Coming alongside Joey, I clenched my fist, and slammed it into the hood of the car. A small dent formed where it landed. No asshole was ever going to question my honor.

  Joey stood there, unmoving.

  “Go ahead.” Her eyes flicked to my fist and back again. “If it’ll make you feel better so you can walk through that door on your own, then take your best shot.”

  My hand twitched and the way her body braced for impact was like a knife to my gut. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Greg and Tanner ready to dive on top of me. Ready to do anything to stop me from hurting her or myself. Slowly, I lowered my fist, the pulsing in my fingers all the proof I needed.

  I was a monster.

  I didn’t deserve any of the love they were trying to show me.

  My back hit the car as I slumped against it and slowly slid down, my cane hitting the pavement.

  “Oh God.” I buried my face in my hands. I couldn’t face her. I’d been right all along—I was toxic. I spread poison everywhere I went, killing all of the living life in my path. Tanner and Greg weren’t safe as long as they stayed around me. Joey too.

  Small fingers pried my hands away once again. “Colin,” she cried. “Please don’t do this to yourself. Let me help you. I love you.”

  The softest, sweetest lips on earth took possession of mine. They were hesitant and for a moment I thought maybe she was afraid of me. I couldn’t handle that. Even when I’d wanted to, I hadn’t. Not really.

  But then I felt the warmth running from her body to mine. It was a sensation I was scared to death to lose. If I didn’t get the help I needed, I would lose her. I broke the kiss and looked at her. “Okay.”

  It was all she needed to hear. She stood and reached her hand down to me. Using the cane and Joey’s hand, I got to my feet. She looked at me and without her needing to speak, I knew she was right there.

  For me.

  I nodded at her, then turned toward Chaplain Hayes. If I didn’t take the first step right away, I was afraid I’d never go.

  “Good afterno
on, sergeant. What can I do for you?”

  “I . . . I . . .” He had to have seen everything. And if he was waiting here for me, Joey or one of the guys must have spoken to him. He knew why I was there. But in the back of my mind, I knew the words had to leave my lips.

  “Go on.”

  A hand slipped into mine. I looked down to see Joey standing right beside me, holding my hand after I’d been so horrible, such a dickhead. She thought I could do this. I had to show her that she wasn’t wrong. That she hadn’t been wrong to stay. “I . . . I think I need help.”

  He nodded. “Can you tell me why you think that?”

  I sat down on the bench, not letting go of Joey. “I’m angry all the time. I’m scared. I haven’t been near a plane since they flew me back from Germany and I had no choice. All I do is drink.” And the final confession, the one that scared me the most to admit because saying it out loud meant that it was real. That I wasn’t coping. “And my nightmares grow more and more vivid each day.”

  I’d expected Chaplain Hayes to march right into his office and call my superiors, telling them that I was no longer fit for duty and giving me my marching orders. What I hadn’t expected was for him to ask, “What are your nightmares about?”

  I ran a hand through my hair. “Right before deployment they’re about Nate’s death, but ever since meeting Joey, she’s been the one who gets killed. Each nightmare is more gruesome than the one before.”

  “You say they’ve been getting worse. How long have you been having nightmares?”

  “Since the deployment after Nate’s death.” Joey squeezed my hand.

  His eyes went wide for a moment. He stood and pointed toward the building in front of us. “I can help you, but there’s more to it.”

  I noticed that Tanner and Greg were no longer in the parking lot. The next steps were up to me, and I had to take them on my own.

  I knew exactly where he was taking me. It was the only place I feared being honest about the depression I’d fallen into. We walked through the lobby and up to my commander’s office. He knocked on the door and waited for the go ahead to enter.

  “I’ll wait right here,” Joey said.

  We both knew that entering the commander’s office as my girlfriend would not be looked upon favorably.

  “Promise you won’t leave?” There was a vulnerability to my voice, but I was the past the point of caring about weakness. I’d hit rock bottom, the only place I could go was up.

  The captain stood from his chair with a proffered hand. “Chaplain Hayes, to what do I owe the pleasure?”

  “Afternoon, Capt. Reynolds. I have a soldier here who needs to speak with you. I’d like to stay, if you don’t mind.”

  “Of course.”

  “Cpt. Reynolds”—Chaplain Hayes gestured to me—“this is Sgt. Maj. Colin Dunham. He was injured in a helicopter crash while deployed. He’s been working through his physical therapy and is progressing with his recovery, but something is standing in his way.”

  It didn’t sit well that Joey was standing in the corridor after getting me here in the first place. I could use her support. Unless she was invited in though, she wouldn’t join us.

  “Sergeant, it’s good to see you up and about. Please take a seat. Now what do you think the problem is?”

  He waited patiently while I struggled with courage to say the words aloud.

  “I believe I’m suffering from PTSD.”

  He nodded and asked the same question as the chaplain. “What makes you believe that?”

  I explained the entire story to him: everything from Nate’s death and the nightmares beginning, how my injury happened, right up until the moment I arrived in his office, including my fear of losing rank or my place in my unit.

  “I’m glad you came to me, sergeant. What I want you to understand is that a diagnosis of PTSD is no longer a death sentence—personally, or for your career. We now have some of the best psychologists on staff. We’ll get appointments set up for you to meet with someone. You can come back from this. I’m going to add this to your schedule.”

  I nodded and swallowed past the lump in my throat, the simple acceptance of my condition almost more than I could handle. We talked for a little while longer. He promised to call me later to check up on me, and to also give me dates and times for my first appointment.

  “Thank you, sir,” I said as I stood to leave.

  “You’re welcome.” I turned to walk out the door when he called my name. “It took a lot of courage to come here today. You’ve shown great strength of character. This road won’t be easy, and it may take some time, but I believe if anyone can do this, you can.”

  Overcome, I simply nodded and I walked out into the hall, where I found Joey sitting on the floor, her back against the wall, eyes closed, her chest rising and falling with shallow breaths. Exhaustion had overcome her. The desire to scoop her into my arms and carry her out of there was overwhelming. Then I looked down at the cane in my hand.

  My heart broke.

  I had to face the fact that I might not be able to do that again. It was a hard reality to swallow. Chaplain Hayes must have noticed my struggle.

  “I’ve got her.”

  He bent down and scooped Joey into his arms. Even in sleep, her brow creased with worry. It was my fault. Every little thing I’d done over the last few months pushed her away. Instinctively, I thought about getting a drink when I got home, just so the ache in my chest would stop, but that was part of my problem.

  I might be broken, but I’d broken her too.

  My eyes filled with tears and this time I didn’t bother trying to hold them back.

  “I can’t thank you enough,” I said, following him out to the car, watching on helplessly as he placed her into the passenger seat. I pulled the keys from her pocket and stood.

  “All you need to do is get well.” He nodded down at Joey. “You were everything Danielle needed when she lost Nate. Let your friends be that for you now.”

  “They’ve been trying. I’ve pushed them away so many times I’m not sure they will be willing to help me any longer.”

  “They will. They’re your brothers. Apologize and they’ll be there.”

  “Maybe the guys, but Joey—”

  He placed his hand on my shoulder. “She obviously loves you. Otherwise she wouldn’t be here now.”

  My chest hurt. “She does. Now it’s my turn to show her my love.”

  “I think you have more of this figured out than you realize. Take her home and get some rest yourself. You can talk to me at any time.”

  “Thank you.”

  I climbed into the driver’s seat and took us back to my place, driving at a snail’s pace. It was funny that when I’d driven myself back from the bar half drunk, I hadn’t cared about being careful. But I had precious cargo on board now. I needed to show her that I wasn’t looking out for just myself anymore. And even though she was fast asleep and had no clue, just doing it made me feel like I was doing something worthwhile.

  Full of resolve, I pulled into the driveway. I put the car in park and realized that there was no way I’d be able to get Joey out of the car myself. Using the cane as leverage, I lifted myself from the seat and once propped against the side of the car, I tugged my phone out of my back pocket and sent a quick text to Greg.

  Me: I need your help. Meet me out front.

  Greg: Be right there

  He probably wondered what the hell I wanted. After all, I’d done my best to ignore all of them for the last few months. But the front door opened and Greg came down. He was barefoot. He hadn’t even stopped to put something on his feet. Chaplain Hayes had been right.

  “What’s up?”

  I nodded to Joey, still dead to the world. “I can’t get her out of the car by myself.”

  He looked between Joey’s sleeping form and me. Not once did he question me. He simply opened the car door and bent inside to pick her up.

  “Do you want me to take her to your room?”
/>   “Please.” My voice wavered.

  Greg walked carefully into the apartment, ignoring Tanner and Danielle, who sat on the couch, watching us with wide eyes. Once Greg had put Joey in my bed, covering her over with a blanket, we quietly left my room.

  As soon as we reached the living room I turned to them all. “I’m sorry.”

  Danielle hopped up from her seat and ran to me. “You don’t have to be sorry. We love you. Things haven’t been easy, we know. We just want you to get the help you need.”

  “You never have to apologize for needing help,” Tanner rose from his seat and came to stand next to his wife. “We want to be here for whatever you need us for. Besides, Nate needs his Uncle Colin.”

  “I want to be there for him more than anything.”

  Danielle brought me over to sit on the couch. “What happens now?”

  I glanced down the hall. “Now I hope she forgives me.”

  “That’s not what I was talking about, but she will.”

  It took a moment before I could speak, snapshots of the time Joey and I had spent getting to know one another playing like a movie reel in my mind. The thought of never having that again was sickening. “How can you be so sure?”

  Tanner spoke up. “Because she could have asked me to take her home when I asked her to come here.”

  Greg sat in the chair across from me. “She’s always loved you. She’ll forgive you. Now you need to show her how much you love her.”

  “I plan to do that, every minute of every day.”

  We talked a bit more about my new schedule and how it would impact my role in the unit. No one seemed surprised at the news that if I could complete both sets of therapy, I’d be allowed to return. Danielle and Tanner eventually left to pick Nate up from the babysitter.

  “Thank you for being there for me.”

  “You’d do the same thing.” Greg stood and stretched. “I’m heading to bed. You should too. We could both use a good night’s sleep.”

  “You’re right.”

  I followed him down the hall, stopping when I got to my room. Joey hadn’t even moved.