The Kidney Hypothetical

by Lisa Yee

“Precisely,” Charlie said. “Our whole family is about you. Mom and Dad treat you like you’re the center of the universe, and I’m just here, like an insignificant moon orbiting around the great Higgs Boson Bing.

  “During our last STartA meeting, someone said that we should plaster the school with flyers, you know, as our final underground art project for the year.”

  “Your group did underground art projects? Like what?”

  “Like when we covered Mr. Avis’s car with aluminum foil.”

  “That was you guys?”

  Charlie nodded proudly. “Yeah, that was us. But we wanted to do something bigger, that everyone would see. And I thought about those stupid flyers you were making for Senior of the Year and suggested we do a parody of them. You know, a social commentary on self-promotion and self-absorption.”

  Charlie exhaled and finally faced me. Her eyes were wet. “I swear, Higgs, I didn’t mean for it to go as far as it did. I thought it would just be a couple of flyers that no one would really notice.”

  “Go on,” I said.

  “Then Abbie, she’s the president of STartA, bribed some guy from the Dolby Sound Club to help her hack into the PA system. It started really getting out of hand when the others started talking about the water tower assault. By the time I realized they were serious, it was too late. They recruited Libby Bukowski to paint the banner, and no one would listen to me when I begged them to stop. Honest, Higgs, I tried. They threatened to go to Kostantino and Avis and tell them it was all my idea. I could have gotten expelled.”

  Charlie leaned against the wall and then sank to the floor. “Higgs, do you hate me?”

  “Do you hate me?” I said back to her. I took Stuart out of my pocket and let him sit on my shoulder.

  “Sometimes,” she admitted. “A lot of times,” she added. “Okay, I do. I mean, I don’t, but I do. Whatever.”

  “ ’Cause I’m a Dinky Dick?”

  “Yeah, that and a thousand other reasons. Are you going to tell Mom and Dad?”

  I shook my head. “No,” I promised. “I won’t say a word.”

  Charlie smiled. I had never noticed her smile before. It was like Mom’s. “Can I ask you something?” she said.

  “Anything.”

  “Why did you tell Boyle that you didn’t want to go to Harvard?” Charlie asked.

  I gave her a quizzical look.

  “I was eavesdropping,” she admitted. “From what I could hear, it sounded like they were still willing to take you.”

  My sister was right. They were willing to take me. I had outsmarted Harvard. Boyle had asked, “Did you or did you not create a fake animal advocacy group and solicit funds for it?”

  “I did not,” I answered truthfully.

  In debate, if part of a statement is not true, it renders the entire statement invalid. Yes, I did create a fake animal advocacy group, but no, I did not solicit funds for it. Therefore, on a technicality, I was in the clear. “I did not create a fake animal advocacy group and solicit funds for it,” I said.

  “Great,” Boyle had said.

  “That’s it?” I asked, surprised.

  “We don’t put much weight on anonymous calls,” he explained. “So many kids would do anything to get into Harvard, even trying to eliminate those who are in so they can move up on the wait list.”

  “Mr. Boyle, sir,” I told him. “Harvard is a great school. But I am rescinding my application. I won’t be attending in the fall, or ever —”

  Charlie was staring at me, waiting for an answer.

  “Harvard was Dad’s dream, not mine,” I told my sister.

  She shook her head, not understanding.

  “I never wanted to be a dentist,” I explained. “I just wanted to be like Jeffrey and make Dad happy. Now I’m sure he’s going to be miserable.”

  “It wasn’t me who told Harvard about SAP,” Charlie said.

  “I know,” I assured her.

  “Higgs?” Charlie asked. “If you end up staying at home ’cause you’re not going to Harvard, can I still have Rolvo?”

  The pair of ice swans looked regal, even if one was shorter than the other. It was a shame that they would eventually melt, and one of them would break its neck. Waiters and waitresses in black pants and crisp white shirts were standing at attention with their hands behind their backs, ready to attend to my guests’ every need. A live band played Top 40 songs in a way that made them sound Bottom 10.

  I was stationed by the door being reintroduced to my relatives, my mother’s friends, and my father’s colleagues as I let them and various other strangers hug me. My parents stood side by side, like strangers in an elevator. Both were smiling, although not at each other.

  It was great to have Nick with me and no Samantha in sight. In a rare moment of assertiveness, he told her that he was coming to my party — with or without her. A handful of my friends from debate and track and band were at the bar trying to bribe the bartender to serve them beer.

  After all the guests arrived and the mingling was under way, Dad pulled me out into the hallway. There was another big graduation party in the banquet room next door to ours and it was just as loud, if not louder. I looked through the doorway and spied an ice sculpture of the Eiffel Tower that was twice as tall as my swans.

  “Don’t tell anyone that your mother and I have separated,” my father instructed. “And don’t tell anyone you’re not going to Harvard. If anyone asks, we’ll just say you deferred admittance. There are lots of Harvard alums here and rumor has it that they’ll be making me the chair of the Harvard Dental Alumni Association next year. That’s big.”

  I went along with my father’s request. After all, I realized that this was his party, not mine.

  Dad looked over my shoulder and lit up. “Martin?” he cried out.

  “Charles!” someone replied.

  “Higgs, there’s someone I want you to meet,” my father told me, pushing me toward an imposing man wearing an expensive suit. “Martin,” Dad said. “This is my son, Higgs. Higgs, this is Mr. Gowin.”

  “Ah, the Harvard man,” Mr. Gowin said, shaking my hand. “Congratulations.”

  “What are you doing here?” Dad asked him.

  “Same thing as you,” he said, chuckling. “Spending too much money celebrating a high school graduation. Higgs, I want you to meet my daughter, Mindy. You two will be neighbors when you’re at college. She’s going to Tufts for prelaw, like everyone else in the family did.”

  Inside the banquet room next to mine was a girl standing with her back to us, near the Eiffel Tower.

  “Mindy! Mindy, come here, there are some people I want you to meet,” her father called out.

  She turned around and we both froze.

  “Mindy, may I have a word alone with you?” I said when I found my voice.

  Mindy?” I said. We were standing in the corridor near the restrooms. “Your name is Mindy?”

  She was holding a plate filled with Swedish meatballs.

  “Don’t act so surprised, Higgs,” she said. “It’s unattractive.”

  “What happened to Monarch? Forgive me, but I am totally confused.”

  “Got a cigarette? I need a cigarette.”

  “You know I don’t smoke,” I snapped. “Can you please explain what’s going on?”

  “I was on a foreign exchange program in Paris,” Monarch said with a weary sigh. “When I came home, there was still a week left of school, but I didn’t think I could handle even one hour of Our Lady of the Holy Cross Excelsior Academy….”

  “So you lived in that trailer,” I said, finishing her sentence.

  Monarch nodded. “I went home most nights, or told my parents I was staying with friends.”

  That’s when it hit me. “You drive a silver BMW, don’t you?” I said.

  Monarch nodded. “How did you know?”

  “How did I not know?” I said rhetorically. “Please. Continue.”

  “Coming back was a shock to my system. In Paris, I had freedom. M
y host family really didn’t care what I did. They never made me check in with them or anything. I loved it. Here, I had my entire life planned out since birth.”

  “I know the feeling,” I said. “But why weren’t you straight up with me? Why did you lie? Was it fun stringing me along? Making me look stupid? You played me the entire time.”

  “I never told you anything you didn’t want to hear,” Monarch said defensively. “You ate up everything I said about living in the woods. If you were really paying attention, Mr. Debater, you could have torn my story to shreds — but you believed what you wanted to believe.”

  “You lied to me,” I said bitterly.

  Monarch tensed. “You lied to yourself, Higgs.”

  I was so pissed at her. The air between us was thick. Every now and then someone would call out, “Hey Higgs!” or “Hi Mindy!!!”

  Neither of us responded. We were too busy glaring at each other.

  “So, correct me if I am wrong,” I said, “but your real name is Mindy Gowin and you will be attending Tufts in the fall, and then you’ll be on your way to Yale Law School, if all goes according to plan?”

  “What’s it to you?” she asked. “Besides, you’re going to Harvard.”

  “No I’m not,” I told her.

  “Oh, Higgs,” Monarch said, her voice catching. She reached for my hand. “I’m so sorry.”

  “I’m not,” I said, pulling away from her. “I turned them down. Ironic, isn’t it? You’re the Ivy League bullshitter. Being a Dinky Dick is nothing compared to how foolish you’ve made me look. I hope you had fun.”

  “I did,” Monarch said, sounding serious. “Didn’t you?”

  “You turned my life upside down.”

  “Answer the question,” Monarch said forcefully. “Did you have fun?”

  I was about to give her three arguments as to how she ruined my life. In debate, you never let them back you into a corner. When the opposition blasts you with questions, the best defense is to rephrase the question to throw them off, never directly answering or giving anything away.

  “Did you have fun?” she pressed.

  Despite my greatest efforts, a smile threatened to appear.

  “Yes,” I admitted.

  “Thought so,” she said triumphantly.

  Monarch’s face was scrubbed clean. There was no black around her eyes or red on her lips. Even the butterfly tattoo on her shoulder was missing. The only thing I recognized was the diamond “M” necklace — the one she said she pawned.

  Just then, someone yelled, “Mindy!”

  A guy who looked like he was ripped from the pages of a fashion magazine was barreling toward us.

  “Jack,” Monarch said, looking flustered. “You’re here.”

  “I wanted to surprise you,” he said, flashing perfect teeth. I ran my tongue over my chipped tooth. He picked Monarch up and gave her a long hug, then looked at me glaring at him.

  When I didn’t say anything, Monarch made the introductions. “Jack, this is Higgs. Higgs, this is Jack. Jack goes to Yale,” she said, as if that would explain everything.

  “How do you know my girlfriend?” Jack asked without taking his eyes off of Monarch.

  I felt like I had just been punched by the twins.

  “We … we …,” she began.

  “It’s a funny story,” I said. Monarch started to interrupt me, but I wouldn’t let her. “You’re not going to believe this, but we met on a student exchange program. In Paris.”

  Monarch gave me an almost imperceptible smile. I held up my finger, the one that we had made our blood pact with, and waved it at her.

  “That’s nice,” Jack said, clearly more interested in her than me. “France is a great place to study. I went to Japan my senior year of high school.”

  He kissed her and I winced. “Cupcake,” he said. “I’m gonna go get a drink and say hi to your parents.”

  When Jack accidentally walked into my grad party, not hers, neither Monarch nor I tried to stop him.

  “Cupcake?” I said, mimicking his voice. “You’re going out with someone who calls you Cupcake?”

  Monarch shrugged. “You’re one to criticize. Your name is Higgs Boson, you have a sister named Charlie, and you dated a person named Roo.”

  Touché.

  “So, what’s his deal? What’s his major — being an asshole?”

  “Do you mean ‘dinky dick’?” she teased. “Actually, Jack’s a nice guy.”

  “He’s not the right guy for you,” I told her. “Anyone can see that. Plus, would he have bled for you like I did?” I pointed to my eye.

  Monarch studied my face. “Are you wearing makeup?”

  “I’m doing a lot of things these days that I didn’t used to do. So then, were you just slumming it with me?”

  “Au contraire,” she answered. “I believe it was you who was slumming it with me.” Monarch looked toward the banquet room. “What I would give for a cigarette.”

  “Cigarettes will kill you.”

  “Everyone in Paris smokes,” Monarch said. “That’s where I picked it up.”

  “We’re not in Paris now,” I reminded her.

  “We should be,” she said wistfully.

  I took a step toward her, and she didn’t back away. “When I told you that I loved you, you never did tell me if you felt the same way,” I said. “Do you?”

  “Is that your bonus question?”

  “Yes, that’s my bonus question.”

  Monarch hesitated, and instead of her usual snappy reply, said, “You don’t fit into my plans, Higgs. Living in the woods, being a rebel, that was all a sideline, like an elective or summer school or something. It was my own Roman Holiday. But now I have to get on with my real life. I mean, maybe if you were going to Harvard, we could have —”

  I nodded. I got my answer. She loved me, but she just didn’t know it yet. “You don’t need to say anything more,” I told her.

  “So what will you do?” Monarch asked.

  I shrugged. “I really don’t know. I hear Cornell has a great agricultural school. Maybe I can apply in the fall.”

  “Farmer Higgs,” she mused.

  “It wouldn’t be so bad,” I answered. “Do you think you could ever love a farmer?”

  There was an awkward silence.

  “Well then, I suppose we both should probably get back to our guests and our real lives,” Monarch said.

  I watched her walk away.

  “Wait!” I said, sprinting after her. “I have something for you — a graduation gift.” I reached into my pocket. Stuart was in there with her cigarette lighter.

  “Seriously, Higgs?” Monarch asked as I opened up my hand.

  “Seriously.”

  Just then, Charlie came running up to me. She glanced at Monarch. “Higgs, Mom says to come back. Everyone’s asking for you.”

  “I’ll be right there,” I said. I turned to Monarch and extended my hand. “It was nice getting to know you,” I said. “I mean that.”

  She shook my hand. “Likewise, Higgs Boson Bing. I predict great things for you.”

  “Was that her?” Charlie asked as we headed into my party.

  “Yeah, that’s her,” I said.

  “She doesn’t look anything like you described. And I can’t believe you gave her your mouse.”

  My mother was talking with guests. “I’ve decided to go back to work,” I heard her say. She looked happier than I had seen her in a long time.

  “Harvard!” one of my father’s cronies called out, raising a glass to me. “Veritas!”

  “Veritas” was the school’s motto. It meant truth.

  Dad was standing by the bar with his college buddies, watching me.

  “Harvard!” the man said again. In unison, all the Harvard alums raised their glasses to me.

  Someone placed a glass of champagne in my hand. I stared at my father before lifting my glass. “Veritas!” I called out, giving him a chipped-tooth smile.

  Today would be for my f
ather, I had decided. But tomorrow would be for me.

  I would like to thank my editor, Arthur Levine, and my agent, Jodi Reamer, plus Nick Thomas, who, along with Cheryl Klein and Elizabeth Parisi, helped bring this book to life. Special thanks to Oliver Valcorza, Doug Gettinger, and Will Hermes for answering my many questions. To my friends — Henry Gowin, Dan Santat, Jeannie Birdsall, and my Third Act compatriots, I am grateful for your continual support. To Mom, Dad, and Benny, I couldn’t have done it without you. And finally, to Kait, who climbed the water tower and lived to tell about it — I love you, but don’t ever do that again.

  Lisa Yee’s award-winning novels include Millicent Min, Girl Genius; Stanford Wong Flunks Big-Time (an ALA Notable Book); So Totally Emily Ebers; Bobby vs. Girls (Accidentally); Bobby the Brave (Sometimes); Warp Speed; Absolutely Maybe; and The Kidney Hypothetical. Please visit her website at www.lisayee.com.

  Text copyright © 2015 by Lisa Yee

  All rights reserved. Published by Arthur A. Levine Books, an imprint of Scholastic Inc., Publishers since 1920. SCHOLASTIC, the LANTERN LOGO, and associated logos are trademarks and/or registered trademarks of Scholastic Inc.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Yee, Lisa, author.

  The kidney hypothetical, or, how to ruin your life in seven days / by Lisa Yee. — First edition.

  pages cm

  Summary: A week before high school graduation, Harvard-bound Higgs suddenly finds his life falling apart and the other students turning against him, and somehow it all started with a hypothetical question about donating a kidney — but really it goes much deeper, all the way back to the death of his older brother.

  ISBN 978-0-545-23094-0 (hardcover : alk. paper) 1. High schools — California — Marina del Rey — Juvenile fiction. 2. Families — California — Marina del Rey — Juvenile fiction. 3. Friendship — Juvenile fiction. 4. Brothers — Juvenile fiction. 5. Marina del Rey (Calif.) — Juvenile fiction. [1. High schools — Fiction. 2. Schools — Fiction. 3. Family life — Fiction. 4. Friendship — Fiction. 5. Brothers — Fiction. 6. Marina del Rey (Calif.) — Fiction.] I. Title. II. Title: Kidney hypothetical. III. Title: How to ruin your life in seven days.