“The baby, are you very far along?”
“Just a few weeks. Maybe I’m not even pregnant.”
“You still have to marry me. You won’t let me down, you promised.” Fear darkened his eyes. “Besides, after Blair and the Coolibah men found us, well…”
“There were others, too?”
“Yes, an aboriginal boy and Wally Morgan.”
Laurie covered her face with her hands. It was getting worse and worse. She felt like a wild animal being forced into a trap from which there was no escape.
They rode double on Dick’s horse. It took over an hour to reach the homestead, a long, sprawling, wooden place, painted white. The McKinlays waited on the verandah. She felt herself tensing up. One ordeal over, another beginning. God, why have you done this to me?
“Where have you been, son?” George McKinlay rushed up, his face registering surprise on seeing Laurie.
“Hello, Mr. McKinlay.”
“Miss Cunningham.”
“You’ll have to start calling her Laurie, Dad.” Dick dismounted and lifted Laurie down. “We’re getting married as soon as I see the parson.”
“You’re both too young.”
“We’re getting married.”
“You’re underage, Dick. Neither your mother or I will give our consent.”
Mrs. McKinlay’s arrival on the scene interrupted the discussion. “My dear Miss Cunningham, whatever happened?”
“We nearly drowned, mother, both of us.”
Laurie swayed with fatigue, her head throbbed, and she wanted to be violently ill.
“I don’t feel very well.”
“You look awful.” Dick’s tactless remark made her feel even worse. “A hot bath and you’ll soon feel better.”
She allowed Mrs. McKinlay to lead her away to a guest bedroom. Before there was a chance to do more than remove her coat, a maid came bustling in. Within minutes Laurie lay soaking in a tub of warm, scented water, while the girl, whose name was Hettie, washed her hair.
“There’s a nightdress and dressing gown here. They belong to Mrs. McKinlay. They’ll be a bit big, but Master Dick said Coolibah would be sending your things over later.”
“Thank you.”
The bath had taken the cold ache from her limbs; nothing, save surgery, would remove the heavy dread filling her heart.
Later, rugged up in the thick, woolly garments, Laurie toasted her feet by the fire, while Dick hovered nearby, pathetic in his eagerness to see to her comfort. When his parents joined them, without warning he re-introduced the topic of their marriage.
“It’s out of the question, you’re underage.” Mr. McKinlay’s tones were implacable.
“I’m old enough to have fought for my country.”
“Only because you ran off and lied about your age,” his father retorted.
Dick ran his fingers through his hair and started scrubbing at his cheek, his sudden fit of bravado ebbing away. “You’ll have to give your consent,” he said sulkily. “Laurie and I are going to have a baby.”
“Dick!” Mrs. McKinlay’s hands flew to her heart, while George’s face turned an ugly puce color.
“It’s true. Tell them, Laurie.”
Shame made her feel hot all over as she lowered her eyes. “I…I am going to have a baby,” she whispered, and once the words were out she felt as cold as death.
“It’s my baby. Laurie, tell them. That’s why we have to get married in a hurry.”
“Is this true?” Dick’s mother looked on the verge of collapse.
“Yes, I’m sorry.” Laurie hung her head still further. She felt so full of guilt and shame she couldn’t look them in the eye.
“Sorry? My boy’s nineteen years old. You’ve trapped him into marriage, and you have the gall to say you’re sorry?”
“There, there, dear.” George put his arm about his wife’s trembling shoulders.
“It’s only right our boy does the decent thing. He’s young, but I’m glad he’s man enough to face up to his responsibilities. You’ll get our consent. What about you, Laurie?”
“I’ll write to my father. I’m sure he’ll agree, under the circumstances.”
*
Five weeks after spending the night in the outrider’s hut, Mr McKinlay drove them to the Presbyterian manse to be married.
Laurie’s father did not attend. He had sent the required consent forms duly signed, and a brief note wishing her happiness. He was deeply hurt by it all she knew, and who could blame him? Would he ever be able to forgive her? What would he make of Dick, if they ever met?
Laurie played with the buttons on her green velvet jacket. Dick stuffed his hands into the pocket of his dark suit.
The minister performed the ceremony. In a few words spoken in front of the McKinlays she became Dick’s wife. As Dick slid the wedding band onto her finger his hand shook as much as hers. What the minister must have thought of such a somber group was impossible to say, but quite likely he would have come to the correct conclusion for the hasty nuptials.
They returned to the McKinlay’s cattle station straight after the ceremony. Laurie forced herself to eat the beautifully served meal Cook had prepared by way of celebration. She somehow forced the food down her throat, even though every mouthful almost choked her.
Hettie had decorated the table with white lace rosettes, and looking at the heart-shaped wedding cake brought tears to Laurie’s eyes. This wasn’t how she had envisaged her wedding day.
“Here we are.” George popped the cork on a bottle of vintage champagne. He cleared his throat a couple of times. “To a long and happy marriage.”
The liquid, trickling down her throat, tasted as bitter as gall. Dick, who ate heartily, now seemed to have recovered from his nerves and was the only one enjoying the meal.
She was becoming used to his mercurial mood fluctuations now. One minute he was laughing, then for no apparent reason he would lapse into a silent, brooding world no one else could enter. Often he wandered off on his own. After a few attempts at following him earned her an obvious snub, she gave up.
That he was still deeply disturbed was obvious to all of them. He had the strangest habit of scrubbing at his face all the time, as if trying to remove a dirty mark.
The insistent movement of his foot against hers brought her gaze upwards. The strangest expression crossed his face. “If you’ve finished, Laurie, let’s go to our room.”
Her eyes flew open in shocked surprise, but she could do nothing else but excuse herself and leave the table. He clasped her hand, his fingers moving warmly against hers. “We’ll see you in the morning, Mother, Dad.”
Normally she would have laughed at the shocked expression on Mrs. McKinlay’s face, but dared not, in case she became hysterical.
“Yes, goodnight,” she mumbled, feeling acutely embarrassed as they left the room.
“Dick, you’re terrible. What must your parents think?”
He grinned. “I’m an impatient bridegroom?”
“I suppose they would. Your father choked on his drink.”
“I know. Did you see my mother? She looked ready to faint completely away.” He engulfed her in a bear hug. “It’s going to be all right. I know it is.”
“I hope so. I want everything to work out for us.” She wondered whether it was possible under the circumstances.
The wing they had been given in which to start their married life was separate from the rest of the house. George McKinlay had hired a carpenter from town to do some renovations, and Dick had not allowed her to see it, as he wanted it for a surprise. The rest of the house was solidly built. All the rooms were pine lined. Like the McKinlays everything appeared of sound, enduring quality.
Dick swept the door open with a flourish, and they entered a small sitting room. She gasped in surprise. The walls were painted in the palest shade of green, with deeper green drapes covering the windows. A colorful carpet covered the floor, a couch and two matching chairs were of green brocade.
&nbs
p; “It’s beautiful.”
“I thought you’d like it. Come and see our bedroom.”
“Our bedroom? But, Dick…” He had promised theirs would be a marriage in name only. Had he lied?
He waved aside her protest.
They entered a large airy room. The duck-egg blue walls and royal blue velvet drapes scarcely registered with her. The large double bed, with its pale blue quilt and matching bolsters did, though. “A double bed?” The taste of betrayal soured her mouth.
“We’re married, aren’t we? The servants will gossip if we don’t sleep together.” His smile was replaced by a truculent droop of his lips. “There’s a dressing room, too, see?” He yanked open another door. “You can change in private. Everyone has to think this is a proper marriage. I thought you’d like my surprise. It was my wedding present.” He looked like a little boy who had recently been chastised.
“I’m sorry for being such an ungrateful pig. It’s beautiful. I just got a shock.”
She slipped her jacket off. Dick, when he had removed his collar and coat, lay back on the bed with his hands crossed under his head, leaving her to wander around touching the delicately worked furniture.
“I knew you didn’t like mother’s heavy stuff. Soft pretty things for you, Laurie.”
“Thank you.” She sat on the bed beside him, twisting her handkerchief into knots.
“There’s another room next door that we can use for a nursery. Mother kept all mine and Jim’s things. I mean baby furniture and stuff, or I could get you new things if you want.” He sounded so eager to please, she felt mean and petty for her earlier suspicions.
She pushed back the swathe of fair hair flopping across his forehead. “Thank you. Everything is lovely. You’ve been very thoughtful. Tell me about your brother. No one has spoken about him before.”
“Oh, he’s all right, I suppose. The complete opposite to me, strong and fearless, everything I’m not. I wouldn’t have joined up except he did. I went to the infantry, Jim to some officer training school in England. He’s in France now. Even at school Jim was always better at everything than me. He’s five years older. I hated him sometimes, because he acted so patronizing. I was always the little brother trailing along in his wake, and he never let me forget it, either.”
“Perhaps he didn’t mean it. It might just have been his way.”
He sat up, suddenly yawning. “We might as well go to bed. We’ve had a big day.”
Exhaustion sapped her strength. Her pregnancy, even at such an early stage, exacted a heavy toll, but the thought of sharing a bed with Dick horrified her.
“Don’t be shy. Use the dressing room, Laurie, and I’ll get changed here.”
What could she do? Feeling as if lead weights had been attached to her feet, she, gathered up her nightwear and stumbled into the adjoining room. A ewer jug with matching basin stood on a marble-topped dresser, next to neatly folded towels. All too soon she had to return, even though she had dawdled through her ablutions.
Dick was already in bed, with the covers pulled up to his chin. A bedside lamp still burned, throwing out enough light for her to see that his eyes were closed. His thick, fair lashes resting on his cheeks gave him the look of an angel in a religious painting. All this flashed through her mind, in the split second before his eyes opened.
Her white nightgown was long and trimmed with blue ribbon. Her hair cascaded in a riot of red-gold curls as she stood there hesitantly. He did not speak, just held the blankets back so she could slide in beside him.
Immediately his arms came out to pull her close. His mouth covered hers, in an awkward kiss. She went rigid against him as his hands fumbled clumsily with the buttons of her nightgown. “Please, Laurie. Please let me.”
She wanted to lash out at him, but didn’t. They were man and wife now, and he only wanted his conjugal rights, even though he had vowed not to claim them. Suddenly he let her go. He rolled away and turned his back to her, but it could not disguise the fact that his shoulders shook. He was crying.
Her heart went out to him. She reached over and ran her fingers through his hair. “It’s all right.” He gave a convulsive shudder and rolled back against her.
“I wanted to, Laurie, but I couldn’t.”
“It’s all right.” She soothed him as if he were a child. “It doesn’t matter. Go to sleep, you’ll feel better in the morning.” Her words must have been comforting, as within a short time his gentle breathing told her that he slept.
Tears pricked her eyes. Poor Dick. Poor me. What kind of life would they have together? It was up to her to be the strong one, otherwise they would not survive. Why, God? Why have these terrible things happened to me?
She felt pity for Dick, even a little fondness. But to be tied to someone like him for life, when she did not love him, was frightening. How could she stand being a neighbor of Blair’s? Seeing him married to Helen? Watching their children grow up? I’m having his baby, too, she thought fiercely, patting her stomach.
Dick’s wild thrashing and moaning woke her from a troubled sleep. “I don’t want to do it. You can’t make me.” He muttered and raved until in desperation she shook him awake.
*
The weeks passed. Dick’s fits of depression became more frequent, his nightmares disturbing her most nights. He would cry out so piteously for someone to help him, to not leave him out there to die, she would have to shake him awake. His pajamas were often so drenched with perspiration that he had to change them before falling again into fitful sleep for the rest of the night.
He never left the property. If someone came to the house, he disappeared until they left. His condition became so bad Laurie was living in limbo, waiting for something to happen.
She had read about Blair and Helen’s society wedding in Melbourne. It took place four weeks after she had left Coolibah.
“Not one person from the district was invited,” Mrs. McKinlay said with a derisive sniff. “Think we aren’t good enough.” She collected the entire district’s gossip on her fortnightly visits to town and relayed it all with relish. She was not really a vindictive woman, and unashamedly Laurie encouraged her, although only the Coolibah news interested her.
“Strange marriage, though, Laurie. Blair spends all his time up here, while his wife flits between Sydney and Melbourne.” She took a sip of tea. “Not right, if you ask me.”
*
Laurie had not left the property since her marriage. Her tentative request to accompany his parents into town on one trip, brought on a fit of crying and shaking, on Dick’s part and he had taken hours to snap out of it. His seesawing emotional state constantly worried her. His stutter become so bad sometimes that she could barely understand him. He would rub his cheek until it became red-raw.
Some days he treated her in a brotherly fashion, laughing and teasing, or he might take her out riding, but these episodes were becoming fewer. He never acted abusive or vicious, but seemed to be sinking more deeply into a silent, troubled world that she could not enter.
“Dick?” They sat in the McKinlays’ sitting room having their supper. “Would you mind if I went into town with your parents tomorrow?”
“No, I don’t want you to go.”
“I need some new clothes. I’ve let my things out as much as I can, but there’s no spare seams left now.”
“Yes, son, why don’t you come, too? We could make a day of it. Perhaps have a meal at the hotel,” George suggested.
“No.” Dick bunched his fists on the arm of the chair. “I want Laurie to stay here with me. You can buy clothes for her.”
“She hasn’t left here since your marriage, and she should really see a doctor now,” George insisted.
“No!” Dick’s eyes became wild as he came to kneel beside her chair. “Please, Laurie, don’t go,” he pleaded. “I hate staying on my own.”
“You could help me choose some things for the baby.”
“You’re going to leave me. You won’t come back once you go.”
“I will, Dick, I promise.” He started crying, and she threw a desperate look at George.
“Come on, son, be reasonable.”
“No.” He shook his father’s hand away.
“All right, I won’t go into town, if you don’t want me to.” She gave in to his entreaties. What else could she do?
He stood up, great shudders racked his body and his upper lip was beaded with perspiration. “You won’t come back, just like the rest of them. I got buried, and they left me. I could feel them running all over me.”
“They wouldn’t have meant to,” she soothed, wondering why he didn’t fear she might run off when he went on his solitary rides.
“Dead, all dead. Someone’s blood dripped on my face. It was warm and sticky.” He scrubbed at his cheek. “Get it off, get it off!” His voice rose hysterically. Horrified, she watched a white-faced George deliver an open-handed blow to Dick’s face. Not a particularly hard slap, yet it snapped Dick’s head back. Without a word he ran out of the room. Laurie started to follow, but her father-in-law stalled her.
“Leave him be. I’ll get one of the men to drive you into town. I’ll stay here.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m his wife. I’ll stay.”
“It isn’t right. I was against this marriage in the beginning, and I don’t mind admitting it. You’ve put up with more than any young woman should be expected to. Have you looked at yourself lately, girl?”
“Yes.”
“You’re literally fading away. My boy is draining your youth. Go into town, buy some pretty things.” He glanced at his wife. “Both of you. I’ll stay with Dick. He’ll be all right with me.”
*
One of the stockmen drove them into town next morning. Laurie wore a skirt with a white lace blouse, the only thing she had that looked respectable. What a relief to get out for a while and leave all her worries behind. After his terrible night, Dick was still asleep when they left, which meant no upsetting scene as they departed.
“I wish he’d go to a doctor.” She tugged at a tendril of hair. “Maybe they could give him something.”
“There’s nothing they can give my boy,” Mrs. McKinlay said sadly. “We got a full report from the doctors when the army discharged him. Apart from his nerves, he’s got a strained heart. D.A.H., they said. I think it means disorderly action of the heart. He should never have been accepted in the first place. He was too young. You know he was at Lone Pine?”
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