by Sam Hay
Toby smiled in surprise.
The other two boys at the table nudged each other. “Is it true you pinched Mr Hill’s lunch?” said one.
“Er …sort of,” said Joe, his face turning red.
“Cool!” said Oliver, grinning.
Toby beamed, too.
“Talk to Oliver! Talk to Oliver!” squeaked Dumpling, who was bouncing up and down on top of Joe’s lunchbox. “Ask him about me!”
“Yeah, well, I needed a snack to keep me going,” Joe pretended to yawn, “because I’m so tired. I was up all night working on my school project about …er …hamsters.”
Toby looked puzzled. That was the first he’d heard about Joe having a school project.
But Oliver’s face lit up. “Really?”
“Yeah,” said Joe. “I’ve got to do a survey. You know, speak to people who’ve had pet hamsters, and ask them all about what food is best, which toys their pets like…”
“My hamster, Dumpling, likes his wheel,” said Oliver cheerfully.
Joe frowned. Didn’t Oliver mean that Dumpling used to like his wheel?
“But his favourite toy is definitely his hamster ball,” Oliver added. “I bought it for him at the weekend. He loves rolling around my bedroom floor in it!”
“What?” squeaked Dumpling. “He never bought me a ball!”
“Oh, cool.” said Joe. “So you’ve got a pet hamster? Could I ask you some questions about …Dumpling?”
Oliver smiled. “Sure! What do you want to know?”
Joe pulled a pencil and a crumpled piece of paper from his bag to take notes. “Well, what about Dumpling’s eating habits? Sometimes hamsters can be a bit greedy.”
“Dumpling definitely is!” said Oliver. “Well, he used to be,” he added, looking a bit worried. “About a week ago he suddenly got skinny, and now he can fit inside his tunnels again.”
“What’s he on about?” yelped Dumpling. “I’m not skinny, look at me!”
Joe was puzzled. “Really? That sounds a bit odd.”
“Yeah,” said Oliver. “I thought so, too. But mum says that hamsters often lose weight in the spring.”
“But what about the vacuum cleaner?” yelled Dumpling, jumping up and down in frustration.
Joe scratched his nose. Something weird was going on. It sounded like Oliver thought Dumpling was still alive. But how could that be? The hamster Oliver was describing didn’t sound like Dumpling. Unless it was another hamster…
That must be it! After the accident, Dumpling had been swapped for a new hamster, without Oliver knowing!
“I’ve been replaced!” bawled Dumpling. “And Oliver doesn’t even know it!”
Joe and the hamster were in the boys’ toilets, having a quick chat before afternoon lessons started. Since Dumpling had heard the news that he’d been swapped, he had become frantic with worry and started scoffing everything in sight!
“Stop that!” said Joe, taking a wad of toilet paper out of Dumpling’s mouth. “Look on the bright side – at least Oliver’s not lonely.”
“You’ve got to tell him his hamster’s a fake!” Dumpling wailed.
“How?”
“I don’t know. But you’ve got to do something. You heard Oliver – he’s worried that I’m losing weight. Except it’s not me, it’s a skinny imposter!” And with that he snatched up a bar of soap and started chomping. Enormous pink bubbles began to pop out of his nose.
Joe grimaced. He was no hamster expert, but he didn’t think eating soap was good for hamsters – even undead ones!
Then suddenly a nugget of an idea formed in his head. A hamster expert? That was what Oliver needed. Someone who could explain why “Dumpling” had turned skinny! Someone who could go to his house and give him some advice.
“I think I’ve got a plan,” said Joe slowly.
Dumpling stopped chomping.
“I’m going to become a hamster expert. I’m going to learn everything there is to know about them. Then I’ll offer to go round and visit Dumpling to see why he’s losing weight.”
“But Dumpling’s not losing weight, you big dope!” squealed Dumpling. “I’m Dumpling!”
“Yes, we know that, but Oliver doesn’t!” said Joe, feeling exasperated. “Don’t you see? Once I’m at Oliver’s house I’ll be able to find a way to reveal to him that his hamster’s not you! But first I have to get him to invite me round, which is why I need to pretend to be a hamster expert.”
Dumpling sighed. “Might work, I suppose.”
“It will work!” said Joe firmly. It had to work! If it didn’t he’d be stuck with the whiniest soap-guzzling hamster in the world, forever! And then suddenly Joe remembered something. “Of course! Toby said he was going home with Oliver after school tomorrow – that makes things much easier! I’ll be able to tag along with him.”
Dumpling sniffed miserably. “Hope so.”
Me too! thought Joe wearily.
Luckily for Joe, his class had a library lesson last thing on a Monday, and Joe made straight for the reference section. He gathered all the hamster books he could find, then settled down to read.
“Did you know there are over forty different colours of hamster?” he whispered to Dumpling, who was “working” his way through a book of his own – a very boring one about budgies, which actually tasted better than it looked.
“And did you know that baby hamsters are called pups?” Joe added, as Matt came over to join him.
Matt made a face when he saw Joe’s book. “What’re you reading about hamsters for?”
Joe shrugged. “Just curious. Hey, did you know most pet hamsters only live until they are about two years old? That’s not very long, is it?”
Dumpling huffed loudly and rolled his eyes. Suddenly, Joe realized that the lifespan of a hamster probably wasn’t the best thing to mention in Dumpling’s presence. “But they have an incredible sense of smell!” he added quickly.
By the time the bell went, Joe was well on the way to becoming a full-on hamster bore!
“Hey, guess what?” said Joe, as he walked out of school with Matt and Toby. “The smallest hamsters in the world come from Mongolia and they only grow to four or five centimetres long!”
Matt gave him a funny look. “Uh-huh.”
“And did you know, one human year is twenty-five hamster years?”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” said Matt.
“And did you know that hamsters originally come from the Syrian Desert, where they build complex systems of deep tunnels?”
Matt puffed out his cheeks. “What is it with you and hamsters at the moment?”
“It’s because of his school project!” said Toby.
Matt frowned. “Eh? What school project?”
Joe quickly changed the topic to computer games.
Meanwhile, Dumpling, who was a bit cranky from lack of sleep, spent the entire journey whining about how Oliver’s mum had replaced him. “It’s an outrage!” he squeaked. “Oliver’s probably stuffing the new hamster with treats, trying to make it bigger. We’ve got to tell him what really happened!”
Joe sighed. It was going to be a long night if Dumpling carried on like this. He was planning to check his mum’s email account again when he got home, to see if Uncle Charlie had replied.
But as soon as he stepped through the front door, he realized his plan would have to wait…
The house was in chaos! The windows were wide open, the hall rug was rolled up and Mum was on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor.
“What’s going on?” asked Joe.
“Oh, hi, boys,” said Mum, looking up. Her eyes were red and it sounded like she had a blocked nose. “Had a good day?” She got up and gave them both a damp kiss. “Sorry, I think we’ve got dust mites. Or it might be mice. I’m not sure, but I can’t stop sneezing, so there must be something nasty about.”
Joe groaned. That’ll be Dumpling!
“Would you like to help me?” Mum asked. “I’ll give you both some extra pocket mon
ey. Toby, you can dust the dining room.”
“Yes, please!” he grinned, taking a duster from her.
“And Joe, would you mind finishing the floor while I start on the living room?” She handed him the scrubbing brush she was holding, then went to fetch the vacuum cleaner. A moment later it roared to life in the next room.
At the sound of the vacuum cleaner, there was a sudden jerk from inside Joe’s school bag. Dumpling popped out of the top like a champagne cork, landing with a thud on the ground, and took off.
“Dumpling, come back!” hissed Joe, chasing after him into the kitchen. But he was nowhere to be seen. Joe checked the bread bin, the biscuit box and the cupboards. Nothing. Then he heard a noise coming from the freezer – a crunching, gnawing sort of a noise. Joe opened the door and there was Dumpling, squished up in the corner, munching his way through a box of fish fingers.
“Dumpling!” said Joe. “What are you doing in there?”
“It’s the only place I can’t hear that terrible vacuum cleaner,” wailed the hamster.
“You can’t stay in there, you’ll freeze!” Then Joe remembered – Dumpling was not a normal hamster, he was an undead one! “Oh, right.” The hamster scowled at him. “Shut the door and leave me alone!”
“Well, at least stop eating all the fish fingers.”
“Oh, not again!” said a sarcastic voice. It was Sarah. She shook her head. “Don’t tell me – your imaginary friend lives in the freezer?”
Joe closed the door with a thud. “I haven’t got an imaginary friend!” he snapped, and stomped back to the hall to scrub the floor.
The moment he’d finished, he sneaked back to the kitchen to check on Dumpling, but he was gone. (Along with two boxes of fish fingers, a bag of frozen peas and half a tub of chocolate ice cream.)
“How about fish and chips for dinner?” said Mum, appearing behind him. “It was going to be fish fingers, but it looks like we’ve run out. Dad’s going to stop off at the chip shop on his way home. Help yourself to a snack, in the meantime.”
“Mum, can I use the computer?” asked Joe. “I’ve got to do some research for a school project about pets.”
“Oh, you’ll enjoy that!” Mum picked up the furniture polish. “OK, but don’t make a mess. You know how Dad hates crumbs in the keyboard.”
Joe grabbed a bag of crisps and a carton of milkshake and headed for the dining room. He knew he should really be looking for Dumpling, but he was quite enjoying a break from the troublesome rodent. He needed to find out more about hamsters. And most importantly of all, he wanted to check whether Uncle Charlie had emailed back!
He clicked on his mum’s email account. There were no new messages.
Joe sighed. Uncle Charlie was probably up to his neck in dinosaur bones or something.
He opened the internet browser instead, and typed “hamsters” into the search bar. He found lots of good sites, including one about health problems. It had loads of facts about hamster teeth and it gave Joe an idea.
But he didn’t have long to think about it, because the front door opened just then and the delicious smell of fish and chips wafted through the house.
“Dinnertime!” Dad called.
Joe kept an eye open for Dumpling as the family sat down for dinner. He didn’t have to wait long. He’d only managed one bite before the hamster hauled himself up on to the table and started tucking in.
“Mmmm, tasty!” he said, eating a whole chip in one go, like a knife-swallower in a circus.
Meanwhile, Mum’s nose had started twitching again and Joe knew it wouldn’t be long before the sneezing started. He wolfed down his dinner as fast as he could.
“Slow down, Joe,” said Dad. “It’s not a race.”
“Yeah, Joe, you’re eating like a pig!” Sarah sneered.
But Joe didn’t care. He was watching Mum. Her eyes were watering now. Any minute the sneezing would start…
ACHOOO! Mum buried her nose in a tissue.
Joe swallowed the last of his chips, grabbed the hamster, and stood up.
“I’m just going to finish my homework,” he said. And before anyone could tell him it was his turn to clear the table, he legged it!
“You’ve got me into trouble so many times today,” Joe said when they were back in his bedroom. “I couldn’t even eat my tea in peace.”
“I can’t help it. Don’t you understand that I’m upset? I’ve been replaced!” Dumpling sulked.
“I wish I could replace you,” muttered Joe. “Now stay out of trouble, or I’ll fetch the vacuum cleaner and finish you off myself!”
Dumpling gasped, and ran under Joe’s bed, looking horrified. He didn’t reappear for the rest of the evening.
At bedtime, Joe dug out a bag of toffees he’d been saving since Christmas. “I’ve put some sweets out,” he called. “Eat as many as you like…” Hopefully they’d keep him busy for the night.
There was no reply from Dumpling.
“Suit yourself!” Joe said, as he got into bed. Moments later, he was asleep.
Joe woke suddenly. What was that noise? He glanced at his clock. It was gone midnight. He listened. There it was again – a thumping sound, coming from the kitchen. “Dumpling!” he growled.
He grabbed his torch and tiptoed downstairs. The noise grew louder the closer he got to the kitchen. Joe pushed open the door and gasped…
There was stuff everywhere! Slices of bread were scattered all over the table, an open can of beans spilled across the kitchen counter and a jar of pickled onions was smashed on the floor.
Dumpling, who was sitting in the middle of it all, was looking tearful. “I was hungry!”
“Trying to make a mess is more like it!” Joe grabbed some kitchen roll and started mopping up the juice from the can of baked beans.
Dumpling gave a stinky BURP! then put his head in his paws and blubbed, “I can’t help it. I’m so worried about Oliver!”
Joe was about to reply when he heard footsteps. Uh-oh. Seems like he wasn’t the only one who’d been woken by the noise!
“Joe! What’s going on down here?” It was Mum. She was dressed in her nightie, and her nose was still red from sneezing.
“Er … well…” stammered Joe. “I was a bit hungry, so I thought I’d make a snack.”
“Some snack!” Mum looked at him crossly. She was usually pretty cool about mess, but even her patience levels were pushed to the limit by this disaster! Then she sighed. “Watch out for that broken glass, Joe. I’ll fetch the vacuum cleaner.”
“NOOO!” Dumpling wailed. “Not the vacuum!” He took off like an Olympic sprinter and sped out of the kitchen.
Joe sighed and helped his mum clean up the rest of the mess. While she put the vacuum cleaner away, Joe sneaked a loaf of bread and some jam up to his bedroom, just in case Dumpling got the munchies before morning. But when he got upstairs, he couldn’t see the hamster anywhere. He dumped the food on his desk, climbed back into bed and fell asleep.
By the time Joe woke up, the food was gone and Dumpling was asleep in the sock drawer, his nose stained pink from the jam.
Joe tiptoed around his room, getting ready for school. He was hoping he might actually be able to sneak off without Dumpling today, but as he picked up his bag to leave, the hamster opened one red beady eye and squeaked, “Is it time to go?”
Joe frowned. “I’m only taking you if you promise to be good.”
Dumpling nodded. “I promise! Are you sure your plan will work?”
“Of course!” said Joe confidently. But he wasn’t sure at all. He still hadn’t worked out what he was actually going to say when he got to Oliver’s house.
After a boring maths lesson – which Dumpling spent swinging off the edge of Joe’s desk by two paws, chewing a pen lid – they went outside at breaktime to track Oliver down.
He was on the far side of the playground, kicking a ball with Toby and two other mates.
“Hey, Oliver!” Joe called.
Oliver waved. “Hi, J
oe!”
“Listen, I’ve been thinking about what you said yesterday about Dumpling’s weight loss,” said Joe.
Oliver nodded, and his smile faded.
“Well, I’ve been reading hamster books for my school project and I found a chapter on health problems,” Joe continued.
“What do you think’s wrong with him?” asked Oliver.
“I’m not sure. It could be toothache. If you give your hamster too many treats, their teeth rot and they can’t eat.”
Oliver gasped. “Will he die?”
“I’m dead already!” growled Dumpling.
Joe ignored Dumpling. “It might not be toothache,” he said, seeing how worried Oliver looked. “So, I was thinking, Toby’s going to your house today, isn’t he? Well, maybe I could tag along and take a look…”
“That would be great. I’ll ask my mum after school.” Oliver grinned.
Dumpling’s face lit up with excitement. “I’m going home! I’m going home!” he squealed with delight.
Joe didn’t dare remind him that it wasn’t his home any more, and that it belonged to another hamster now!
At the end of school, Joe spotted Toby and Oliver at the gates. Oliver was talking to his mum. She looked concerned.
“Hey, Joe!” Oliver waved him over. “I was just telling Mum that you know loads about hamsters, and that you’ve offered to look at Dumpling’s teeth. Mum, would it be OK if Joe came home with us, too?”
“PLEASE! PLEASE!” Dumpling squeaked from inside Joe’s school bag.