‘Good thinking,’ Carol said distractedly, taking a fifty-euro note from her purse. ‘Will you go now?’
‘OK, stay calm. I’ll get Mono to give me a lift on his bike.’
‘Wear a helmet,’ Carol warned.
‘I will.’ Nadine grimaced. ‘I’m not a total idiot.’
‘But I am,’ Carol said, burying her face in her hands.
‘Hey, hey, it will be OK,’ Nadine said awkwardly, patting her on the back. ‘It’s probably a bug. I’ll go and get the test now and put you out of your misery.’
‘Thanks, Nadine. I appreciate it. Not a word to Ma.’
Nadine gave her a pitying look and threw her eyes up to heaven. ‘As if,’ she said in exasperation as she hurried out of the room.
Carol watched her go. This day she had looked forward to with such anticipation was starting out to be an absolute nightmare.
* * *
‘Mono, don’t ask questions, just get here quick. It’s an emergency,’ Nadine hissed into her mobile. ‘I’ll be waiting outside in five minutes.’ She threw on a T-shirt and a pair of jeans and ran a brush through her hair. Her stomach tightened in knots. Poor, poor Carol. Imagine if she found out she was pregnant on her wedding day. How gross was that? She’d never seen her sister so unsure of herself. It made her feel nervous. She much preferred the bossy, in-control Carol, she decided.
‘Have to go somewhere with Mono. I’ll be back in a minute,’ she yelled to her mother, who was in the kitchen eating her breakfast.
* * *
‘Have a cup of tea, Carol,’ Nancy urged, thinking how peaky her daughter looked.
‘I’ll just have tea, I’m not really hungry,’ Carol murmured.
‘Are you nervous? I know the feeling. I’m not feeling hungry either,’ Nancy confessed. To tell the truth, she had elephants not butterflies in her stomach and she’d hardly slept. She’d even taken a couple of slugs of vodka, she felt so nervous. ‘Er, have you been talking to your father at all?’ she ventured as she passed the milk jug to Carol.
‘No,’ Carol said shortly.
He won’t be at the wedding so, Nancy surmised, feeling a huge sense of relief. He wouldn’t be able to blame her that he hadn’t been at their daughter’s wedding. She had done what she had to do, sending him that letter. After that, it was up to him and Carol.
‘I really like your outfit, and your hair suits you like that.’ Carol perched on the edge of the table.
‘I like it myself. Liz was a great help to me getting the outfit. We went to Gorey and went into that boutique down the side road opposite the supermarket after doing all the ones on the main street. I got the trouser suit there. She got a lovely jacket and dress in Wicklow. It looks terrific on her.’ She put her hand in her dressing-gown pocket and pulled out an envelope.
‘I don’t know how to use the internet for your wedding list, so here’s something to buy whatever you want off it. And, er . . . Carol, I’m sorry that I wasn’t a very good mother to you when you—’
‘It’s OK, Ma,’ Carol interjected hastily, clearly uncomfortable with the way the conversation was going.
‘Er . . . right. I’ll just go and have my shower.’ Nancy tried not to feel snubbed. She’d been trying to apologize for being such an inadequate mother. Carol just didn’t want to know.
They had no real relationship, Nancy thought sadly, unlike Liz and Jessie, who were as close as could be. It wasn’t Carol’s fault. It was hers. She had let both her daughters down, badly. A lump rose in her throat. She felt terribly sad today. Carol was getting married and starting a new life with Gary, and Nancy knew that the tie with home which had grown looser and looser as the years went by would for all intents and purposes be well and truly severed. Carol and Gary were not the type of couple who would be coming to visit regularly for afternoon tea.
Nancy went into her bedroom and sat on the side of the bed. She was going to get her hair done with Liz in the next hour or so. The way she was feeling now, she wished she could get back into bed and stay there and pretend the day wasn’t happening.
She pulled open the drawer of her bedside locker. Just for this day she needed a little help to get through it. Tomorrow she’d be good, she assured herself, as she uncapped the bottle of vodka and took a big slug.
* * *
Gary filled his plate with bacon, sausage, pudding, mushrooms, hash browns and two eggs. He might as well get his money’s worth, he reflected, as he smiled at the young foreign waitress who refilled his coffee cup. His family were arriving around twelve, and he felt at a bit of a loose end.
Today was D-Day, he thought wryly, as he dipped some sausage and hash brown into the runny egg before slathering on the brown sauce. Now that it was here he felt surprisingly calm. There was no point in getting agitated. He’d moved his stuff from the apartment in Christ Church to Carol’s pad in Phibsboro. Although his place had been new and modern, it really was the size of an egg-box and not big enough for the two of them. Carol’s place had big rooms, and more storage space, even though it was an old redbrick house.
He hoped she wouldn’t bang on about getting a house. A house meant you were really settled . . . trapped even. The thought chilled him. Besides, he had every intention of going to the beer festival with his mates and he’d need a decent wad of cash for that. Once you were paying a mortgage, you could forget having any spending money worth talking about. A mortgage was not on his agenda for a long time to come.
A good workout in the gym would do him all the good in the world, he decided. He’d walk to the Leisure and Fitness centre along the beach, pump some iron and be back to have lunch with his family when they arrived.
Gary ate his breakfast with relish, making the most of his last hours as a single man.
* * *
Mike gave the wedding rings one last polish and laid them carefully in their blue velvet boxes. His brother and best man, Tony, had stayed the night with him in Greystones and they’d gone for a couple of pints the night before. Tony, making the most of a wifeless night and morning, had enjoyed a drink or four too many and was groaning and berating himself in the shower. Mike grinned as he slapped the bacon on the grill and turned the sausages.
Now that his wedding day was upon them he felt surprisingly apprehensive. Not about marrying Jessie, he was really looking forward to that. He just hoped that everything went smoothly, especially with Carol’s family. She’d been cool with him the previous night, and he knew it would take her a long time to forget the ultimatum he had given to her. Carol held grudges, unfortunately, but he still felt it was worth it to have confronted her so that Jessie could have the best day of her life.
It would be difficult for her and Liz, especially walking up the aisle and during the speeches. Ray’s absence would be very keenly felt. There was nothing any one of them could do about it, they had to get on with it the best they could. All he could do was hope the day would go as smoothly as it possibly could.
* * *
‘Oh Mam, the flowers are gorgeous,’ Jessica exclaimed, as she saw the great vases of scarlet and white gladioli, stunning against the backdrop of gypsophila and greenery. She had just arrived at the church, where Tara and Liz were busy tidying up after their flower-arranging marathon.
‘And the roses are gorgeous. Carol should be pleased.’
‘I should think so.’ Tara sniffed. ‘Could she not even be bothered to come and see them?’
‘She’s not feeling the best. She thinks she’s got a bug,’ Jessica said hastily. ‘I was talking to her on the mobile.’
‘Huh! She’d better keep it to herself.’ Tara was still not impressed.
‘Ah, don’t be like that, Tara. Carol’s never sick. She’s amazingly healthy. I feel sorry for her,’ Jessica protested.
‘It’s probably nerves,’ Liz said kindly.
‘I know. I’m so nervous I feel pukey too,’ Jessica confessed.
‘Stop that nonsense right now,’ Tara instructed. ‘We haven’t time for nerv
es. Come on, Liz, we have our hair appointments and we’ve to collect Nancy. Give me those buckets and I’ll take them out to the car.’
She marched down the aisle, buckets and secateurs swinging briskly at her side.
‘She’d have made a great sergeant-major,’ Liz observed, as she stood back to observe her handiwork.
She fussed and tweaked until she was completely satisfied, and smiled at her daughter. ‘Might not be able to sew but I can arrange a vase of flowers.’
‘It’s gorgeous, Mam. I can’t believe we’ll be walking up this aisle in a few hours. I love this church.’ Jessie gazed around at the worn, polished wooden seats, rainbow-dappled as the morning sun shone through the stained-glass windows. The simple altar, dressed with pristine linen and Liz’s flowers, was glorious. The scent of beeswax polish permeated the air and the silence was broken only by birdsong. It was a most peaceful place.
If her father had been walking her up the aisle it would have been perfect, she thought sadly. Liz caught her eye and knew exactly what she was thinking. She saw her mother’s eyes well up with tears and felt a lump rise in her own throat.
‘Don’t cry, Mam,’ she whispered, putting her arms around her.
‘I’m sorry. I can’t help it. He’d be so proud of you, Jessie. I’m so proud of you,’ Liz said brokenly, as the tears overflowed. They held each other tightly, grief pouring out of them. They never even heard Tara come to the door to see what was delaying them. Instant understanding and pity swept over her. Discreetly she stepped into the porch, leaving them alone, and wished with all her heart that things could be so different.
* * *
‘Give it to me, I’ll hold it,’ Nadine ordered, taking the white wand from Carol’s shaking hand. ‘Count to sixty.’
‘I can’t. Quick, let me see it.’ Carol jumped up off the side of the bath. Nadine pushed her down again.
‘Stay calm, Carol. What does it matter anyway? You’re getting married today. How far gone would you be?’
‘Nearly two weeks,’ Carol said miserably.
‘Is that all? Well, that’s no problem if you’re afraid of the gossips. It can always be two weeks early.’
‘It’s not that, Nadine. It’s just we don’t have a house. Gary didn’t really want to get married so soon. He doesn’t want to have children for ages. He’ll go mad.’
Fuck him! Nadine’s lips tightened as a heart-stopping double blue line grew stronger and more unmistakable in the little window.
‘I’m pregnant, aren’t I?’ Carol said weakly when she saw the expression on her sister’s face. Wordlessly Nadine handed over the wand.
‘Oh, my God. Maybe it’s a mistake,’ Carol muttered in dismay.
‘I bought two, just in case,’ Nadine admitted, taking another kit out of her bag. ‘Can you go again?’
‘Yeah, I was drinking water all morning,’ Carol muttered.
The second test was just as positive as the first. ‘Look, don’t think about it. Just get through the day as best you can and worry about it in a couple of weeks’ time,’ Nadine advised, feeling absolutely helpless. The more she was hearing about Gary, the less she liked him. She wanted her sister to be happy. Carol’s getting married had meant there was one less person to worry about, or so she’d hoped. Nadine felt a flutter of apprehension in her tummy. Carol’s marriage wasn’t going to have a fairytale ending – far from it, she thought disconsolately, wondering bitterly why God was always picking on their family. Surely for once He could give them a break?
* * *
She wasn’t ready for a baby. Nothing was going to plan. How could she have been so careless and so stupid? Gary would absolutely freak. She wasn’t going to say a word to him until after the honeymoon. She could always say she got pregnant on their honeymoon, Carol thought miserably, as she changed into her running gear. She needed to go for a jog, badly. It would help clear her mind, which was racing like a train. She pulled on her trainers, laced them up and headed for the door.
‘Where are you going?’ Nadine asked worriedly when she opened the front door.
‘Just going for a jog. Don’t panic, I’m not going to do anything silly,’ Carol whispered, touched by her younger sister’s concern. Nadine had really turned up trumps today, she acknowledged, giving her younger sister a faint smile. ‘Just need to have a think.’
‘Don’t forget, Amanda will be here soon and we’ve all to go to the hairdresser’s,’ Nadine fretted.
‘We’ve loads of time. It’s not even half ten yet. I’ll be back in twenty minutes,’ she promised, surprised that Nadine was getting so involved. ‘It’s a pity you’re not my bridesmaid,’ she added impulsively.
Nadine actually blushed with pleasure. ‘I’m not good at that sort of stuff,’ she muttered awkwardly. ‘But thanks anyway.’
‘The baby’s only going to have one aunt. That’s going to be you. Gary only has brothers. I’ll be depending on you, Nadine,’ Carol said fervently. She didn’t see the expression on her sister’s face as she took off down the path and headed towards the beach.
What would she do when she couldn’t run? she thought in a panic. Would jogging harm the baby? When should she stop? Would Gary start seeing other women when her body became swollen and heavy? The thoughts crowded in on her relentlessly. Carol swallowed hard. She felt scared, really, really scared.
* * *
‘I don’t want to be depended on,’ Nadine groaned as she watched Carol running down the road. She’d had enough of people depending on her. She just wanted to have to worry about herself for a change. At least her mother had cut down on the booze; how would Nancy feel about becoming a granny?
Where was her mother, anyway? She hadn’t seen her around since before she’d gone out for the pregnancy test. There was no point in telling her Carol’s news and spoiling her day. Carol could tell Nancy when and where she wanted to, she thought grumpily.
‘Ma, where are you? I’d say Liz will be over in a minute. I’ve just seen them drive into their drive,’ she called.
Nancy appeared at the door of her bedroom, bleary-eyed and unsteady. ‘I’m nearly ready,’ she slurred.
‘Ah, Ma!’ Nadine couldn’t believe her eyes. ‘Ah, Ma, what the fuck did you do that for? You’re a stupid bitch! Just when Carol needed you most!’ she yelled, and burst into tears.
39
‘Liz, Ma’s pissed, and we can’t let Carol see her like this. And I don’t know what to do,’ Nadine blurted in desperation, barrelling through Liz’s back door like a tornado. ‘And her friend Amanda will be here any minute and I don’t want her to know that Ma’s an alco. None of Carol’s friends know.’ She burst into tears of frustration and anger.
‘Ah, no, Nadine!’ Liz couldn’t hide her dismay. ‘And she was doing so well.’
‘What will I do, Liz?’
‘I’ll come over with you. Come on. Don’t be crying now,’ Liz said firmly, trying to hide her consternation.
‘Will I come with you?’ Tara asked.
‘No, boil the kettle and make a pot of strong coffee,’ Liz instructed. ‘Stop worrying, Jessie, it will be OK,’ she comforted her daughter, who was speechless.
‘I knew it, I just bloody well knew it,’ she swore as Liz followed Nadine out of the back door.
‘It’s just a hiccup, dearie,’ Tara said briskly, filling the kettle. ‘Stop panicking – if anyone can sober up Nancy, Liz will. And I’ll tell you one thing, I’m feeling the teeniest bit sorry for poor Nancy already!’
Jessica giggled nervously. ‘I hope you’re right.’
‘Of course I’m right. I’m always right. Trust moi,’ Tara said confidently, wishing she could believe it herself.
* * *
‘Is she very bad?’ Liz asked Nadine as they hurried across the road.
‘Not totally blotto, but pissed enough,’ Nadine said defeatedly.
‘Chin up, Nadine, we’ll sort her. There’s plenty of time yet,’ Liz soothed.
‘That’s not all,’ Nadine bu
rst out, totally fraught. ‘Carol’s just found out that she’s pregnant and she’s gone off jogging and I’m afraid she won’t come back.’
‘Oh Lord,’ murmured Liz. ‘You’re having a tough day, lovey, aren’t you?’ she said sympathetically as they closed the side door behind them. Nadine burst into loud sobs.
‘I’m sick of them all, Liz. I have to do all the worrying and it’s not fair.’ She wept, fraught. ‘Just when I thought things were getting OK. I should have known better.’
‘Ah, you poor old dote.’ Liz put her arms around the teenager and rubbed her back comfortingly as she cried.
Nadine rested her head on Liz’s shoulder as years of pent-up fear, grief, anger and sadness erupted out of her. It had been so long since she had been held and comforted, she couldn’t even remember a time as a child when her mother had put her arms around her the way Liz was doing.
‘You know, when the wedding’s over I think you and I might go and find out about Al Anon. None of this is your responsibility, pet, you need to understand that. You don’t have to mind the family, you just have to mind yourself. Now come on, let’s get your mam straightened out and we’ll get back on track. OK?’
‘OK,’ Nadine gulped, trying to compose herself. ‘Don’t say anything about Carol, sure you won’t?’ she hiccuped.
‘Not a word,’ Liz promised. ‘Don’t worry.’
She led the way into the kitchen and found Nancy trying to light a cigarette from a butt. Her hand was shaking.
‘Hello, Liz,’ Nancy tried hard to focus.
‘Ah, Nancy, look at the state of you. How much did you drink?’ Liz demanded.
‘Just a little drop.’ Nancy gave a little titter.
‘It’s not one bit funny and you were doing so well. Into the shower with you this minute,’ Liz ordered, taking the other woman by the arm and manhandling her to the bathroom.
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