“Calm yourself. She has much against me. She has surmised that I separated Bingley from her sister, who does love him. And...”
“But, we bring him back with us, which should ease her heart and display your honour in correcting your very wrong presumption. A lady appreciates that!”
Bingley seemed to take notice of this more than the other parts of conversation and looked quite thoughtful.
Darcy hesitated. Georgiana looked as though she might shake him until he spoke again. “And she has believed Wickham's usual lies about me.”
Georgiana paled. “He-he-he...she knows him? How?”
“He has joined the Militia regiment that is quartered in Meryton.”
“Has he said anything about me?”
“I do not believe so. He would know better than to risk me calling him out.” Darcy's fists tightened in reflex, and Bingley’s look of interest piqued.
Georgiana was quiet for a moment and Darcy looked at her in concern. “We can turn around, if you wish.”
She vehemently shook her head. “No! I will no longer live in fear of him ruining my life. I once was lively. I will be myself again.” She paused and looked at Mr. Bingley’s confusion then straightened and held her head high. “I am ready to speak about it now. I wish to tell Mr. Bingley and then Miss Elizabeth if it should prove necessary to change her mind. You helped me and I will help you.”
Darcy attempted to argue but again saw his sister would be firm in this. She succinctly told the tale and he was never more proud of her than that moment.
When she was finished Georgiana immediately resumed her questioning. “How long have you known he was there?”
“He arrived the week before I left.”
“Her acquaintance with you is longer, and yet she believed Wickham.”
Bingley interjected here. “Ja...Miss Bennet did ask me about Mr. Wickham at the ball. I did not know much to tell her. I believe Caroline said something as well but it was probably done in her usual, supercilious and insulting fashion. I do not believe Miss Elizabeth believed Mr. Wickham implicitly, but the man seemed very nice when I met him.”
Darcy shook his head. “I did not make myself agreeable. I disliked the Bennets, and others, for their lack of decorum, and my natural reticence in crowds was seen as haughtiness. And I worry whatever feelings she has, that have withstood her disgust at my manners, will not survive the direct insult I gave in my letter.”
“I assume you made it very clear you would not marry her?” Georgiana asked.
“Yes.”
“She must either be very angry or entirely despairing, if she has read the letter.”
“And now you know the cause for my anxiety.”
Bingley was more hopeful. “Perhaps she has not read it, and only her father has.”
“Elizabeth is unlikely to be alone in her criticisms of me. Mr Bennet will likely feel nearly as insulted and may refuse my offer. She is not of age.”
“Most would consider you an illustrious match.”
“Nothing about the Bennets adheres to a normal way of thought. She is his favourite daughter, and he often seems not to care about the components of Society that would rouse most men to take an interest in their family. If the exchange of letters is not widely known, he may not favour the match. I fear Elizabeth would refuse me should I ask her.” The lack of surprise on his companions faces when he uttered his final words was telling. He would deserve it if she refused him, no matter his wealth and rank.
Georgiana broke the silence. “You do not plan to speak to her?”
“I...I have never been in the position of being less certain which path is correct. I alternately wish for the letter to be known to her, and I wish for it not to be.”
“You must settle this with her. Regardless of whether the letter is known or not, nothing but entire transparency will ensure your future felicity. Anything less merely stores troubles and magnifies them.”
“When did you get so wise, little mouse?” He affectionately tapped her nose. She wrinkled it but smiled at the endearment.
Bingley agreed, “Yes, you are quite wise, Georgiana. You have given me much to think on as well.”
The three shared a hopeful smile as the carriage brought them closer to Meryton.
*****
The Darcy carriage ambled into Meryton, and Darcy did not miss the sight of several townsfolk gawking at the crest. It drew even more attention than he anticipated, and he worried anew what may already be circulating. He saw the woman he believed to be Mrs. Bennet’s sister flap her arms wildly about and scurry down the road to Longbourn. Bingley noticed as well and let out a strange longing-like moan.
“We do not go straight to Longbourn?” Georgiana asked.
“No. There is time for me to change at least before arriving for dinner, and you shall remain at Netherfield.”
“Oh, please allow me to come!”
“You do not have an invitation and neither does Bingley, actually.”
“I hardly think they would mind!” Bingley cried.
“I arrive to sort out a terrible mess and may very much be unwanted. Elizabeth wrote in her letter that she has been led to believe, by your sister no doubt, that I desire to match you with Georgiana.” He ignored the looks of alarm from his friend and sister. “The family may not welcome you back so easily either. Allow me to go and do my duty and then we will see on the morrow if we may all call together.”
Georgiana and Bingley let out nearly identical sighs of frustration, and Darcy rolled his eyes. His own frustration was from a different sort entirely.
An hour later he arrived at Longbourn’s door in fresh clothing. The house was strangely quiet. He chose the coward’s way out and requested Mr. Bennet immediately instead of greeting the ladies in the drawing room. Mr. Bennet did not seem very welcoming and chose to stare at him directly.
“Mr. Darcy, would you care to tell me your reason for visiting today?”
“I believe I owe you an apology, sir,” he humbly began. “I have reason to believe a mislaid letter was sent here this morning. In it, among other things, I insulted your family.”
Mr. Bennet raised an eyebrow, and Darcy had the uneasy feeling that he was the prey being played with, as a cat toys with a mouse. “And is that the extent of your travesties?”
“No, sir.” He gulped. “I also declared my love for your daughter, Miss Elizabeth, and then arrogantly laid out all the reasons I chose not to offer for her. I insulted her, I blamed her for my own lack of composure, and now I worry that I have compromised her reputation.”
Mr. Bennet was silent for a long time. “I believe she has sent you a letter as well. I am inclined to let the issue pass. I understand you have both exchanged admiration and insults and agree a match is nonsensical.”
This was not how Darcy imagined the meeting to go. “Sir! I...you must see that there were others who handled these letters. An attachment, even an engagement, must be presumed.”
“You sound very certain when you have only arrived to the area yourself, and it has been mere hours since the letters were sent.”
Blast the man! He would make Darcy confess all. “I arrogantly sent notices to my solicitor and family in hopes of making it seem as though there was a pre-existing engagement. Before reading Miss Elizabeth’s letter the idea that she would refuse me never occurred to me.”
“Well, it is as you say. She did not think highly of your insults and might refuse you, even with what appears to be weighty proof of an engagement. It is not uncommon for ladies to think better of an attachment.”
Darcy sank back in his chair. “She would harm her reputation? Even that of her sisters? The engagement would be well known, nothing so easily silenced. Does she truly think so little of me?”
He had been humbled thoroughly this day. More than this, many times now he saw that he chose a cowardly way, but now his heart demanded he be brave and fight. Not because he deserved it, but because he would not harm Elizabeth if he could h
elp it and did not want to lose hope of her regard.
“Might I speak with Miss Elizabeth, sir? I wish to know her thoughts on this.”
Mr. Bennet looked surprised, which only humbled Darcy further. The older gentleman undoubtedly did not believe Darcy was capable of following another person’s wishes.
“Very well.”
Mr. Bennet excused himself, and after a few moments, Elizabeth was brought in. Darcy almost knocked over his chair when he stood at her entrance. She looked more beautiful than he recalled, but was subdued, and he would wager he saw caution in her eyes.
“You wished to speak with me, sir?”
Was she trembling? Why did he always lose his ability to speak sensibly around her? She motioned to his seat, and he obeyed her silent request.
“Mr. Darcy, I am a very selfish creature and, while it may wound your feelings for me to mention it, I must apologize for my unjust accusations in my...” she trailed off before quietly finishing, “in my letter.”
“What did you say of me that I did not deserve? Even more so in light of my letter. I hope you have destroyed it. I wrote harshly, and it is full of expressions that should justly make you hate me.”
“Please,” she replied staring at her hands. “Please, do not apologize for your letter. It begins in bitterness, but the ending is so full of hopeless love.”
He reached for her hands, but she pulled them away. She turned from him but said in a shaky voice, “You wrote many sensible things in the letter as well. It would be an imprudent match for you. My family’s behaviour is unpardonable. I would be nothing but a blight on your family name, and I bring nothing but myself.”
He stood at her words. “Elizabeth, you mean everything to me! There is nothing greater I could desire. Do not I owe it to my family to be happy?”
He had never been more ashamed of his selfishness. In his letter he sought only to ease his own feelings. Although he did not mean for her to read his thoughts on her family and connections, it was inexcusable for him to even think them. If, in the last day, he wondered if he truly loved Elizabeth he could have no more doubts. Her pain was his, all the worse for it came by his own hand.
“But would your happiness last? When your family name is diminished, your wife scorned, and your children unaccepted would you still be happy? What of your sister?”
“You are rejecting me?” This morning he felt disbelief at the notion. Now he felt only fear and knew she was every bit justified.
Her voice was low. “The feelings which hindered your earlier regard will soon allow you to overcome your pain, sir.”
Darcy was silent for a long moment, desperately trying to find some kind of composure. His heart pounded and every second he was sure it would be its last beat. He circled around her, willing her to meet his eye. “And what of you, Elizabeth? Do you still find nothing to esteem in me? You wrote you love me. Are you willing to go through life without that love?”
She stared at the floor, but he saw her wipe her eyes before she faced him again to reply. “I am convinced I am the last person in the world you should marry. We both know you would not be here if not for the letters.”
Panicking he declared, “But the letters are known! In an effort to affect a pre-existing engagement for us, I even sent a notice to my solicitor and my relations in London. An engagement is presumed.”
Elizabeth was silent a long moment. “Your letter tells me you think little of my sense—perhaps rightly so—therefore it should come as no surprise to you that I am willing to face the consequences of either the assumption of a broken engagement or corresponding with a gentleman without one. If my family is harmed, according to your depiction, we do not have much respectability to lose. My reputation and my family is not your concern.”
Colour drained from his face and he sank down into his chair. Cradling his head in his hands he knew not when Elizabeth quietly left the room. He had been allowed, encouraged, and nearly taught to be selfish and to think of none beyond his own family circle. Elizabeth could scarcely have chosen better words for her reproof. Here now was the true culmination of the plans of his life. Hope was over, entirely over. Alone with his tortured thoughts, he waited until Mr. Bennet returned.
*****
Longbourn
5:30 pm
Mr. Bennet left his daughter and her determined suitor in the library and approached his wife’s chambers again.
“Fanny,” he called while knocking. “He has come.”
She opened the door and her sad, red-rimmed eyes met his.
Hurrying inside and closing the door, he led her to her sofa once more. “Why do you cry?”
“What have I cost our girls? What if Lizzy does not want him, but now she must marry him because of the gossip?”
“I would not force her but I do not think you need to worry about that. Lizzy is more concerned that he will not want her.”
“That man! Who is he to think he can say such things about our daughter? And from the very beginning!”
“Do you not see it means from the very beginning she had a profound effect on him?”
“He still thinks he is better than us. What if he resents having to marry her?”
“I do not think we need to worry about that either. When I left him I suggested he need not worry about marrying Elizabeth, and he insisted on talking to her. I believe he desperately wants to marry her. Additionally, he was quite humbled, and he worried for Lizzy’s reputation. His first thoughts are for her, not himself. He has perhaps acted foolishly, but so do we all at times. I do believe he truly loves her.”
“How can you be so certain, Thomas?”
“Do I not know what it is to love a woman Society said was beneath me? Did I not have to argue for our right to be together?”
“That may be, but your love faded, and my silliness did kill it. Lizzy’s sharp tongue may be too much for a man with such conceit.”
“You did not kill my love! I was simply selfish, thinking I saved you from bearing my presence. I pushed for our marriage, I accepted the terms of the entail." Mrs. Bennet tried to argue, but he hushed her. "We will speak more on this later. Lizzy's letter did not seem to deter him. He needs a strong wife who can set him to rights and is quick-witted enough to be his equal and to help manage his estate.”
“Her letter! Mr. Bennet, what do you mean?”
“Elizabeth tells me that in a moment of acute distress while attempting to make out Mr. Darcy’s character, she wrote him a letter and accidentally sent it. In it she admits to loving him beyond all prudent reason."
Surprisingly, Mrs. Bennet erupted in laughter. “Oh! What a good joke it is! You know I dearly love a laugh.”
Mr. Bennet smiled at his wife. “Yes, and they are different from us. They do not keep things to themselves, and they begin by knowing each other’s deficiencies and choosing to overcome them. But let us go downstairs. I believe we should have an announcement to make.”
As Mr. and Mrs. Bennet walked hand in hand down the stairs, the letter Mrs. Bennet had been holding fluttered to the ground. They separated in the hall; Mrs. Bennet to the drawing room, and Mr. Bennet to the library, where he found Darcy alone.
“Well, son, is it all settled then?”
Darcy looked upon him with horror and misery in his eyes. “It is as you say, sir. She will not have me.”
Mr. Bennet hardly knew what to think or say. In his silence, Darcy stood. “Thank you for seeing me this afternoon. I apologize, I find I cannot stay for dinner. My sister accompanied Mr. Bingley and I to Netherfield. I should see to her.”
“Darcy, did Elizabeth offer you no hope?”
Darcy squeezed his eyes shut and visibly swallowed. The informal address and fatherly tone was not lost on him. Too late he realized he might have enjoyed being part of a family again. He answered the question. “She said she was completely convinced she was the last woman in the world I should marry.”
“You have debated with Elizabeth enough times to know she tak
es advantage of degrees and professes opinions that are not her own. She did not say you were the last man in the world she would marry.”
“Not this time, but she did in her letter. You did not see the turn of her countenance. There is no hope." He picked up his hat and bowed before departing.
Dinner was a very subdued affair with everyone retiring so early that supper nearly went to waste. As Mr. Bennet walked by Jane and Elizabeth’s room before continuing down the hall, he heard the sound of muffled sobs and could scarcely wonder who was grieving more. He would need to have an honest discussion with his daughters on the morrow. Passing by Lydia and Kitty’s room he heard more crying, which did nothing but confuse him further.
Chapter Seven
Wednesday, December 7, 1811
Longbourn
8:00 am
Elizabeth awoke early the next morning with puffy eyes. She had cried most of the night. Jane was the perfect companion. She alone could understand the feelings of rejection and lost love. It was a misery halved, but in some ways felt more acutely for Elizabeth would rather have twice the pain and Jane experience none.
She expected to be the first in the breakfast room, but found Lydia reading a letter. “I did not know the post had come already.”
Lydia startled and nearly knocked over her tea. Colouring she admitted, “It is an old letter. I found it on the stairs yesterday. It is...” She did not continue and instead handed the yellowing letter with faded ink to Elizabeth who read it with wide eyes.
September 29, 1786
My Darling Fanny,
Father had me go around with the steward today to collect rents. This last week he has made me sit with the housekeeper as well. He says I will learn the thankless tasks of estate management in hopes of persuading me to find another wife. He will not succeed. I will not change my mind.
Dearest, I know Mother and Father intimidated you and made you believe you are unworthy. Who are they to know what I desire in a wife? I am their own son and they understand me little more than a stranger does.
One Autumn with Darcy: A Pride and Prejudice Anthology Page 14