by Harper Sloan
I reach out blindly, grab onto his nightstand for leverage, and dig my heels in before lifting almost completely off. He growls, and his fingers dig into my hips, almost to the point of pain. “Dee . . .”
I wink before roughly dropping back down his length, and we both groan with the pleasure.
He doesn’t give me much time to enjoy taking him and being in control. I know he is just humoring me when he lets me have a few minutes of fun. He flips me easily, and I vaguely hear something crash to the floor before he’s pounding into me hard and fast, just the way I love it. His strong hands hold my legs by the knee as he comes up on his knees and thrusts into my body powerfully. Each time he bottoms out, I scream his name.
“Beck . . . Baby, so close!” I close my eyes when the pleasure becomes too much.
“Eyes. I want to see your eyes when you come.”
My eyes snap open, and I look up to see his eyes burning with lust. A bead of sweat rolls down the tip of his nose and drops between my breasts, burning my skin as it slowly rolls towards my neck. He takes a few more deep thrusts before he leans back slightly and brings one of his hands between us, pinching my clit in between his fingers, and delivering the most delicious pain.
“Oh, God . . . Oh, YES!” I try to keep my eyes open to focus on his face, but then the kaleidoscope of bright colors closes in on my vision as the power of the orgasm takes over my body.
“Feels so damn good . . . so, so good.” He pulls out, almost slipping free of my body, before he pushes in quickly. His balls slap against my ass, his hands tighten against me, and he grunts before collapsing against my body.
We lay there for a few minutes before he rolls off of me. I instantly miss the fullness of him inside my body. He helps me off the floor and pulls me close, wrapping his arms around me tightly before kissing me deeply.
“You’re a pain in my ass sometimes, but damn, when my wildcat comes out, it’s worth every second.” I cock my brow at him, not quite understanding at first, and frown slightly when he laughs loudly. “Dee, look around.” I pull my eyes from his and look around his room. The sheets are on the floor, the mattress is slightly hanging off his massive bed, nightstand over-turned, and his lamp is in pieces on the floor.
“Oh my God! How do we end up doing this every time?” I bury my head in his chest, enjoying the feel of his laughter rumbling against my face.
* * *
I should have known better to think that I could be happy. Happiness and love just aren’t something that is meant for me. It was stupid of me to think that I could trust that foreign feeling of pure happiness, trust and love I felt that night and the following days when I was wrapped tight in Beck’s arms.
All that happiness that I had been feeling died a quick death, when a week later, Izzy’s crazy ass ex-husband showed up at my house. Not only did he almost kill Greg, but if Izzy hadn’t taken control of the situation, I have no doubt in my mind that she and I wouldn’t have made it. The hope, the joy, and the belief that I could do this died that day, and it didn’t matter what I told myself, what Beck told me. Nothing was able to shake me from the dark hole my mind seemed to run to.
I was lost. I was afraid. And worst of all, I was alone because I pushed the greatest thing to ever happen to me away when I let my fear take control. The worst part, next to losing Beck, was that I couldn’t even pull myself back in. I didn’t want to pull myself back in. Darkness had become my best friend, and everything bright and happy just seemed to vanish.
Time turned into an endless cycle of gray. I went through the motions, and acted like everything was okay when everyone was around, but the second I was alone, and the webs of my depression weaved their way around me in a cocoon tight enough to suffocate me, the only thing I wanted was for it to all just stop. I wanted the end, and each morning when I woke up and realized I hadn’t gotten it, I slipped a little deeper.
And I had no one to blame but myself.
PART TWO
Healing
&
Acceptance
CHAPTER 6
Beck
Almost Two Years Later
“You’re turning into the old cat lady on the street.” Coop laughs, picking up one of the kittens that appeared on my porch one day a few months ago. “Which one is this? Pussy or Trouble? You know, it’s basically the same damn thing. Pussy is trouble, and trouble always comes from pussy.” He laughs at his own joke, but I stay silent. I’m always fucking silent these days.
“Yup. You want a beer before we head out?” He just looks at me, so I shrug and head over to the fridge, snagging us both bottles. When I hand him his beer, he’s looking at me as if I’ve grown two heads, not exactly a look I’m used to being on the receiving end of.
“You feeling okay? I know it’s been a rough run the last year or so, but drinking before lunch? Not exactly a normal Mr. Perfect move there, Beck.” My skin feels like it’s too tight as he looks at me with his worried eyes. Jesus, when did I become this guy? Hell, I know exactly when. I just don’t know what to do about it.
“I’m fine . . . just have a lot on my mind right now.” He looks at me for a couple more beats before shaking his head and looking out the garage door. I busy myself with cleaning up the tools from my latest woodwork project, cleaning off my worktable, and sweeping up the sawdust. I should’ve known he wouldn’t be able to let this go. I know they all worry about me. I see the way that they watch me, waiting for me to crack, or maybe, waiting for me to explode. At this point, I’m pretty sure both are options.
“How long are you two going to play this game, Beck? You don’t think I know how you spend your nights, sitting at home like a fucking old man? You don’t date; you work, which I’m sure everyone loves since you do all the hard shit before we ever even crack the file open to start a new case. But you aren’t doing yourself any favors. If Dee doesn’t want a relationship, or whatever the hell you’re fighting this one man war for, I think it’s time to move on.” He walks over, puts his beer back in the fridge, and takes a deep breath before continuing. The whole time, I’m statue still. “Whatever her issues are . . . they aren’t yours to worry about.”
What can I say that won’t be betraying her confidence? I wish I could scream the truth in his face, because he doesn’t even know half of it. For almost two years I’ve watched the woman that owns my heart struggle to keep her head above water. Not even her best friend sees the pain she’s carrying on her back, because she hides it so well. But not from me. No one else was there to pick up Dee’s broken soul and fight to keep her whole after Izzy’s ex-husband attacked them. No one else saw how many times her beautiful, dark eyes completely lost their spark. And, while everyone else has moved on after the incident, I was the one by her side for months before she finally pushed me away.
The only thing I’ve thought of is the deep-seated worry that, one day we would show up at her house, and she would be gone. I do what I can from the sidelines, but even I know that isn’t enough. Izzy is too busy with Axel and their son, Nate, to even notice how far Dee is slipping away from us. Greg and his new wife, Melissa, and son, Cohen, are enjoying their new life as a family. Honestly, after everything those two have gone through recently, it isn’t a shock to me that he hasn’t noticed. Having your son kidnapped can do that to someone.
No, the two people closest to her, who that would be able to see through the veil of bullshit she wears around, are too busy. And the one person who wants more than anything to be there for her, has been locked out. So, yeah I’m just a little screwed up at this point.
“I can’t help it, Coop, and I know you don’t understand, so spare me the bullshit. I can’t just turn this shit off.” I finish sweeping the last pile of sawdust, and after dumping it in the bin, I look back over at Coop. “She needs me. I don’t know how to explain it, but when I look at her, even when she’s smiling and laughing with the girls, all I see is the need.”
“Right, well, I won’t pretend to understand where you’re coming
from because I’ve never felt that, but you have to ask yourself if you’re just seeing something you want to be there because you’re still fighting for something that used to be. Did you ever think that maybe, she isn’t the same chick you first met?”
“No, because if I thought like that, I would be just another person to give up on her. Come on, we’re going to be late if we don’t stop talking like a couple of damn chicks and get over to Greg’s house.”
I take a few minutes to change out of my work clothes and throw on some old jeans and a faded black tee before we head over to Greg and Melissa’s for Cohen’s birthday party. The closer we get, the more nervous energy flows through my system. I feel it every time that I know I’m about to come face to face with Dee.
God, please don’t let her have a date.
* * *
The party is in full chaos mode when we walk in. Coop, being Coop, heads straight for the kids and starts acting out some weird impression of a ninja. Kicking his legs and flapping his arms around, he looks more as if he needs medical attention by the second. Cohen’s in the middle of about ten little boys his size, all of them laughing at the weird man in front of them.
It takes Coop about one second too long to notice what he just walked into.
“Coopie!” And in a flash of blond hair, black spandex, and a gold cape, Sway jumps into the fray and hugs Coop tightly. Cohen starts laughing hysterically when Sway starts jumping around, flailing his arms, kicking his legs, and swishing his long, blond ponytail around. Coop, never the one to be out done, joins in, and before long all the kids are acting like cracked out little hyenas.
“Hey, you, glad you could make it.” Melissa’s voice breaks through the insanity, and she wraps her arms around me, giving me a small hug before pulling back. Greg is right behind her, giving me one of his hard stares, which just makes me pull her in for another hug and kiss her lightly on her cheek. When she is pulled out of my hands and into Greg’s arms, we both laugh. Yeah, it’s way too easy to pick on him these days. Ever since she found out that she’s pregnant with twins, he’s become almost unbearable with his possessiveness.
“Calm down, you beast.” Melissa laughs, swatting his arms away.
His eyes are still burning at me when he finally speaks. “Don’t touch her. You want some cake?” I laugh before following them through the craziness and into the kitchen. The tension that has slowly rolled off my shoulders when we first got here comes flinging back with vengeance. There she is, as beautiful as ever, laughing with Izzy and Emmy.
She’s wearing one of my favorite pair of jeans that hug her ass perfectly, and showcase her long, toned legs. Her shirt is one of those blousy things that kind of hang loosely in a sexy way. It’s sheer, so I can still see her tight body and full chest incased in a tight, black tank. I almost swallow my tongue when I see her shoes. That woman could have me licking the floor just to have her in those heels, and those heels alone. Red-hot and sky high.
Temptation on legs.
I clear my throat and will my erection down. Last thing I need is to look like some creepy, old man getting hard on at a four-year-old’s birthday party. Yeah, that wouldn’t go over well at all.
Her eyes snap over to where I’m leaning against the doorjamb that leads into the kitchen. I can tell the exact second that her wall she has up starts securing all their extra locks, and the bulletproof glass starts to rise. You can literally see her protecting herself. And the worst part, the part that guts me right to the fucking heart, is that she is protecting herself from me.
“Izzy, Em, Dee . . . good to see you.” I turn and walk back into the living room. No sense in sticking around where I’m not wanted.
CHAPTER 7
Dee
What a mess. I should know by now that my body will react to being around him, even if I beg it not to. My therapist keeps telling me that it’s time to trust. Time to stop letting my fears, and the ghosts of the past stand in the way of my happiness. She says I can’t keep condemning everyone around me for the crimes of others. The rational part of me knows that she’s right, but then I remember, for the billionth time, what happens when the good guy turns into the devil. It’s getting easier, though. I feel stronger, and that in itself, is a huge step for me.
I look around at the happy faces of my friends and feel the usual tug at my heart. The love so clearly painted all over them, is almost too much to take. Hell, even shy, little Emmy seems to be smiling and laughing more.
Everyone is happy.
Everyone is loved.
Everyone is blinded by that perfection.
I smile, donning my ‘I’m so happy’ look, and excuse myself from the group. I know I saw Maddox walk in a little while ago, and if I plan on getting the information I need from him without others around, I have to do it soon, or it will be hours before I get a chance to corner him alone.
For the last few months, I’ve been trying to avoid letting one of these overprotective apes in on my issues at the office. The North Carolina branch of my insurance agency has been having issues. Big issues. I only caught wind of it because one of our larger clients called to inform us that they would be moving their account to another agency. One they claimed could give them better rates. Knowing damn well that wasn’t true, I started digging and when I found the number of times their account had been overbilled, I was shocked. When I began to understand that the problem was bigger than I had realized, or ever imagined, I knew it was time to call in help.
Enter Maddox. He’s been helping me, with the promise that he will keep his mouth shut unless he notices something potentially dangerous. How dangerous could this really be?
The only plus to the giant cluster fuck that my company has turned into is that I don’t have time to miss Beck. Well, I don’t have time to miss him with the same bone crushing intensity that I have been. Still, it won’t ever be easy to be in the same room with him. Not when I can feel the invisible line that seems to connect us pulling tight every time we’re around each other.
There have been a handful of times over the last two years when I haven’t been able to hold those walls up anymore, and we’ve come together with the same ferocious lovemaking that we always create. And each morning after, I make sure I’m long gone before he even wakes. Neither one of us mentions those stolen moments, but I know him . . . I know he wishes that just once, I would be there in the morning. I’ve made a promise to myself that last time would be it. No more hurting him because I’m too weak to keep my walls up.
“Looking for me?”
I am so lost in my thoughts that I almost run right into Maddox. He doesn’t give me a chance to fall because his hands shoot out to steady me until I catch my footing.
“Uh, yeah.” I look up into his unreadable eyes. Maddox has always been the master of giving nothing away when you look at him. His face is almost always expressionless, his bottomless eyes hard, and his large frame is never anything but intimidating. To be honest, he would scare the daylights out of me if I ran into him on the streets. Maddox Locke looks like a man that eats babies for breakfast.
“Found me.” His gritty, deep voice rumbles his normal ‘as few words as possible’ way of speaking.
“Yeah, I noticed when your hard ass chest almost knocked me out. Were you just going to let me break my neck?” My patience, for the most part, is in small supply these days, but for some reason, Maddox, and all his asshole tendencies, just works for me. I know that part of it is him knowing something about me that no one else does.
“Probably. Seemed pretty lost in thought there, so I’m not even sure you would’ve heard me say anything anyway. Noticed you and Beck doing your normal bullshit, too. Which do you want to avoid talking about more?”
“Don’t be an asshole, Mad. Did you find anything out from the files I sent you?” I’m pretty sure I sound as desperate as I feel, maybe even borderline manic at this point. I know he told me he wouldn’t say anything to the others, but depending on what he’s found, that could ch
ange everything. And the last person that I need to find out that I’m in trouble is Beck.
“Yeah.”
That’s it? Are we serious right now?
“Please, don’t play games with me. This is serious, Maddox.”
“Yeah, I know it is. I know it’s serious because I’ve dug deep enough to know just how dangerous this can be for your pretty little ass if you keep being so obvious with your detective work. Hell, you might as well just show up and tell the whole office what you’re looking for.” He narrows his eyes and does that stupid manly huff and grunt thing that is supposed to put me in my place. Fat chance of that happening.
“Tell me what you found. Please.” I know, before he even opens his mouth, that I’m not going to like what he tells me.
“Adam Harris. Age thirty-six, single, agent in your company for the last eight months?”
“Yes, I know who you’re talking about. I hired him myself. He had a good resume, and all of his references checked out. He might not have finished top in his class or anything, but he had enough work history in the insurance field for me to give him a go. Hell, his last employer told me he didn’t want to let him go!” Okay, I might be close to losing my calm, because this guy was nowhere near my radar.
“That would be the one. Seems like Mr. Harris has a nasty little habit. The kind of habit that costs a lot to keep up.” The confused look on my face must have clued in the fact that I’m not exactly following him, because almost as an afterthought he added, “Drugs, Dee. He’s so far in debt with his drug dealer that I’m not really sure how he’s still breathing.”