by Harper Sloan
He smiles sadly for a second, knowing damn well there was only one of our group who would ever willingly say YOLO.
The rest of the drive, we make small talk, but my nerves are too jumpy for me to really engage in any sort of conversation with him. I know I have a long road to go. I’m not instantly going to just be able to forget my past, but from this moment forward, I have to be willing to take a chance. I have to take a chance at what Emmy has been offering me and pray that I’m making the right decision. Because I don’t think I’ll be able to live with myself if my demons make my angel fall.
“There’s the Charger,” he says, breaking the silence we adopted about five minutes ago.
“Yup.”
“Do you need anything else?”
“Nope, I’m good—but I’ll let you know if that changes,” I say, stepping down from the Jeep. I turn back before I shut the door and let my lips tip up. “Thanks for . . . everything.”
His eyes flash at the shock of my words. “Yeah, any time. If you need me, just call.”
I nod my head, shut his door, and stride to the elevators. The garage is silent for the night, the majority of the tenants in the apartment complex home from wherever they’ve been—settled in for a night of relaxing. Not me though. Nope. Tonight, I’m going to claim my woman for good.
It’s time to let my angel in and hope that she can really help me battle all of this shit I carry around with me like dead weight.
CHAPTER 18
Maddox
The first thing I notice when I step into my apartment is the silence. Usually, I can always hear her tinkering around, even when she isn’t doing anything physically. Her soft singing, the pages of her book turning, or even the humming noises she makes when she’s asleep.
Cat greets me at the door with a deep meow, as usual. We’ve developed some weird friendship. Emmy used to laugh and say that Cat could recognize someone who needed a friend. Oh how right she was. I scratch Cat behind the ears and set off to look for her owner.
“Em?”
Nothing. A flash of apprehension over the situation starts to take over, but I push it aside and keep looking for her. The apartment isn’t huge, but it’s large enough that she might not have heard me.
A few minutes later, I realize that she really isn’t here. After walking into my bedroom, I sit on my bed and think about where the hell she could have gone. She doesn’t have her car because we still haven’t gotten it back from the cabin. I had Greg and Asher swing down and bring it back, knowing that, if I got anywhere near that place, I wouldn’t be leaving until there was blood on the ground. Devon said that we could leave it there as long as we needed, and since he wouldn’t be back for a few weeks, I haven’t been in any kind of rush. I liked having her dependent on me to get places.
With a deep sigh, I lean back and let my head hit the pillow—only to shoot back up when my head hits something besides the pillow.
I reach out with a shaking hand and pick up the note with my name written in Emmy’s flowing handwriting. I don’t want to open it, dreading what could be inside, but if I have any hopes of finding her tonight, this would be where to start.
Dear Maddox,
I used to think that my love for you would be strong enough for both of us. Some sort of weird platform that could hold anything you threw at me—and never break. I know now that I was sadly mistaken.
For as long as I’ve known you, I’ve felt a pull towards you like I’ve never known before. It’s no secret now that I haven’t had the best of beginnings in my life. Even with all of that in my past, I still had faith in love. Maybe I just had rose-colored glasses on. I’m not sure. But I wanted to believe that there was some sort of reward to be had for all the bullshit I had to deal with to get here.
I’m only human, Maddox. I’m not sure how many times it will take of you pushing me away before you start kicking me while I’m down—I bleed just like the rest of us when I fall . . . only when I fall at your hands, it hurts just a little more. I fear that I’m no longer strong enough to stand against your continuous rejection—to stand on the sidelines and watch you willing to fight for everyone one else around us to get their slice of happiness.
One thing I know for sure now is that, as much as I wish it were different, I can’t keep begging you to believe in us. I’m sure that my heart will undoubtedly always belong to you—my dark prince. But until you can see just how worthy your love is, I’m afraid I just don’t have a part in your life.
I want you to know that I’m not running. Not from you and not from my life here. But I can’t be around you. When you’re in the room, I instantly want to run into your arms and beg you to let me all the way in. To let me help you carry some of the baggage, slay the demons—to let me help you heal. So, for right now, I’m going to get a hotel room and fix my head . . . and my heart. I know Cat is in good hands until I can get settled. I’m pretty sure she likes you more than me anyway.
I love you.
I wish you knew how much.
-Em
Her words crash over me, leaving me hollow and alone. I rub my chest, feeling some weird burn taking over my lungs. She can’t just give up. Not my Emmy.
Although, I’m not sure why I even doubt that she could. This is, after all, everything I’ve been working towards for years. I pushed her away and refused the love she so desperately wanted to hand me.
I pace my room, wondering when the hell I’m supposed to stop. I refuse to sit here on my ass when she needs me. She needs me to prove to her that I’m going to let her in. I know that, if I don’t make this next move flawlessly, she will never believe that I’m willing to give it a go.
“Fuck!” I bellow, pulling my arm back and slamming it into the wall. The drywall gives way and I watch my fist sink right through. If anything, it just feeds my mood, makes me want to start destroying everything until I find her.
I’ll fucking turn this town on its ass to find her.
An hour later, I’ve basically torn my place apart looking for some kind of clue and I’m not any closer. Her stuff is gone. Everything except the things Cat needs and the lingering sweetness of her smell is gone. I’m coming unglued, and if I don’t get some kind of sign soon, I’m going to snap.
I throw my body down on the couch and take in the room. Everything is where it was when we left earlier. The remote is on the table. The magazine she had been flipping through before we left is sitting in the chair I’ve started thinking of as hers. The candles she bought to make my place smell like a damn apple pie sit unlit on the counter next to the phone . . .
The phone that isn’t on the cradle, where I know I put it earlier. I jump up from the couch and walk into the kitchen, spying the cordless lying on the counter. With a pleading prayer that maybe this is the clue I need to figure out where she went, I grab it and press redial.
I know that number.
Sway.
Not wasting a second, I quickly press the on button and wait for him to pick up. God, I hate this feeling of being out of control of everything around me.
“Hello?” David’s voice comes through the line and I want to scream.
“Where is he?”
“Hello to you too, Maddox,” he laughs, getting a growl out of me in return.
“Yeah, hello, David . . . Where is Sway?”
“He got back a second ago, and I’m guessing, since you’re calling now, that you’re wondering where Emmy is?”
“You would be correct,” I grind through my clenched jaw.
“Hold on. Let me go get him.”
I hear him moving around and then speaking softly. I wait, trying my hardest not to snap the phone in half with the force of my grip.
“Well hello there, you sexy man. If only I would have known how popular I would become tonight. You’re lucky we decided to leave in the morning to go to Davey’s parent’s house. Did you hear? I’m meeting the parents.” He sighs deeply, and I growl again, hoping he takes a hint and gets to the point.
“Where is she?”
“Right to the point, I see. Well, my hunk of silence, she’s safe.”
He just stops talking, and I’m seconds away from blowing up on him. I know he doesn’t deserve my wrath, so I try to push it down.
And fail.
“Sway! Where in the hell is my woman? I need to fucking find her two hours ago!”
“AH! Now that’s just what I needed to hear, sweet cheeks. You know, I’ve been waiting for the moment when you would let the smoke clear out of your delectable ass. You’ve been so foolish. So Sway is going to help you out now, and please, Maddox, do not make me regret this. That girl deserves her slice of happiness, and you’re lucky that I feel like that is you. You can find her at the Marriott over on Brookfield. I watched her walk through the doors and check in with my own eyes—so, my love, that is where you’re going to go get your woman. You can thank Sway later. Toodles!” He giggles softly as he hangs up.
Two seconds later, I’m out the door and making my way to my Charger.
CHAPTER 19
Emmy
The pounding at the door wakes me after what feels like just two seconds of sleeping. My whole body feels like it weighs a hundred extra pounds. I should have known that Sway wouldn’t keep his mouth shut. I was so focused on getting the hell out before Maddox came home that I didn’t give a second thought to who helped me.
I stand at the door, my forehead planted against the wood, and breathe deeply. I have to remember that, whatever he says to me in anger, he doesn’t mean. He never means it. I can tell when he’s looking right at me that his eyes are begging for me not to believe what comes out of his mouth. I have to stay strong and let him know that he’s off the hook. He won’t have to deal with my stupid love anymore.
“Open the door, Emersyn.”
His voice hits me with a force so powerful that, even through the thick door, it makes me shiver. Stay strong, Emmy. You can do this. Just let him know that you’re done.
Wrapping my fingers around the door handle, feeling the cold steel against my skin, I try to let it center me. One last little push to stand strong and put a cold layer of ice over my heart.
I swing the door open right when he’s about to knock again and his fist stops just inches from my face. I gasp.
“Shit,” he growls.
We stand there just looking into each other’s eyes. I have no idea what’s going through his head right now. Why he’s even here. I said everything I needed to in that letter—unless he didn’t get it. Shit. I don’t think I’m going to be able to get that all out to his face. Writing it all down about killed me.
He’s still wearing the clothes from earlier—a dark-green Henley and jeans that are worn in all the right places. The sleeves are rolled up to his elbows, showing off the weaving lines of his tattoos. Reds and blacks dance together over almost every inch of his forearms. I know the design travels up both arms and ends by wrapping slightly around the back right on the base of his neck. Depending on the shirt, sometimes I can see a few of the lines licking up his tan skin. I’ve studied his forearms for so long that I imagine each and every sweep the tattoo gun must have taken. I know he has more along his ribs, but I’ve never had the pleasure to study them. I just know that it’s more blacks and reds.
When he clears his throat, I move my gaze from his thick, muscled forearms to meet his eyes. His deep-brown, very worried eyes. He isn’t masking his feelings from me right now, and as shocked as I am, I’m more confused than ever.
“What are you doing here?”
I haven’t let go of the door handle, using it to help hold my body from falling to the floor. He stands before me, still in the hallway, and at my question, he looks to his left and then right before meeting my gaze again. This time, the worry is replaced with . . . determination?
In a move so quick that I gasp, he’s pushing his way into the room and helping the door shut with a kick. I back up as he stalks towards me, my eyes wide and my breathing erratic.
“Maddox?” I implore.
“This is you not running?” he questions, solidifying that he did, in fact, read the letter I’d left him. “You think I haven’t felt that pull? Jesus, Emmy, it’s so strong that I feel like I’m being sucked into a vortex. I’ve pushed and pushed, not to reject you—even though I now see my mistake—but to protect you. That love that you’ve been offering, I want nothing more than to take it and run. I have so many demons, Emmy. So many that they are woven into my very being, and I’m goddamn terrified that, if I take what you’re offering, even the platform, that promise of love, that you’ve been building won’t be strong enough, and when I tumble down, I’ll take you with me—straight into the pits of hell.”
He forces out a laugh and bends slightly at his waist, his hands going to his neck and his fingers clenching in frustration.
“Your words play in my head night after night, and fuck me if I didn’t recognize it before now, but you’ve been fighting those damn demons back even without knowing it.” He steps closer, and I have no energy to move back. I stand still, shock rooting me in place, and try to desperately process his words. “Someone told me earlier tonight that I needed to be brave and strong and show you my love. Laid out there in black and white by a damn kid,” he laughs. “He pulled my head out of my ass in two seconds, Em.”
“Mad—” I start.
“No, Em, let me finish. It’s not going to be easy for me, this whole getting words out when I’ve spend so long training myself to keep them in. For you, though . . . For you, I’m going to try, yeah?”
I nod and wait for him to continue. Both of us stand there, so close yet so far.
“The day I met you, my body was screaming to run. I hadn’t felt like that . . . ever. You brought out every single emotion that I had been fighting to keep locked away. I’ve feared every second since that those holds would never be strong enough against you. Jesus, Em, you have to understand this is new to me.”
“I know that, Mad,” I whisper.
“I pushed you. I hurt you—God, I hurt you—because I could never live with myself if the demons, the darkness, the evil inside me harmed you.”
“So you just decided to do it yourself? Save your stupid demons of darkness the trouble and just handle it?” I snip at him.
He at least has the decency to flinch. “Something like that, Em. It’s all I know. It’s the only way I could think to protect you and that was a vast mistake on my end. I want to let you in, Em. Fuck—I’m willing to goddamn beg if that’s what it takes for you to just believe that I’m here and craving just a sliver of your love. I honestly don’t know how to make it any clearer.”
“Just like that, Maddox? You want me to believe that, just like that, with one snap of my fingers, you’re going to be able to miraculously let me the hell in? Because I’m sorry, but I’m not buying it. I can only take so much before I’ve just had enough. I’m not even sure if I have the fight left in me for the both of us.”
His eyes close at my words and his head drops slightly. “No, Em, I don’t expect you to just believe me like that. But let’s get one thing straight—it doesn’t matter if you have any fight left in you because I’m going to fight hard enough for both of us now, angel. It’s time for you to hand over all of that strength and maybe give me a few pointers, but it’s time . . . time to let me fight for us.”
I gasp, tears forming and rolling over my eyes without my permission. He doesn’t even give them a chance to fall before he takes his hands and frames my face, kissing each one as quickly as he can.
“Please don’t give up on me,” he whimpers.
That sound coming out of him is my undoing. A deep sob bubbles past my throat and I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight.
Our grips on each other don’t weaken. My tears soak his shirt and his breathing never slows, his heart beating rapidly against my cheek. I want so desperately to believe him, to take this lifeline that he’s thrown my way, but I’m scared.
The d
oubts and fears of what happens when he stops believing in us are almost too much. I need to think. I need to get my head together without him around, and even though I want to beg him to stay and take the comfort his arms are offering, I have to take this time—even if it is just tonight—and figure out once and for all if this is a road I can continue down.
Pulling back, I meet his eyes and tell him the only thing I can right now. “I need time, Maddox. I’m not asking for a lot, but just give me tonight . . . please.”
“I’m not fucking leaving, Emersyn.” His tone leaves no room for argument, but I know that, if he really means what he just said, he’s going to have to learn to give a little and not take it all.
“You really don’t have a choice right now, do you?”
His eyes darken, but I press on.
“Just a few hours ago, I cried myself to sleep with the knowledge that I had to give you up. I had talked myself into learning how to move on from everything I’ve fought for. That isn’t something I can just turn off with a few words. Even if they’re words I’ve craved. I meant what I said earlier in my letter—I bleed just like the rest of us. And right now, you need to go home and let me patch up those wounds and THINK.”
“It’s going against everything my body is demanding I do to make you believe me to just leave,” he pleads.
“Unfortunately for you, Maddox, right now, you don’t have a say. I need this time.”
He doesn’t speak, his eyes begging me to give in so fiercely that I have to move out of his hold and take a step back. His face drops with my movement and the truth sinks in. I’m not just giving in, and as much as it’s killing me not to, I need to make sure. If he is willing to give me this, then maybe he’s willing to really fight.
“I’ll give you tonight, angel, but I’ll be back. When the sun comes up, I’m going to be right back at your door, and I hope to God you will see then that I’m serious. I’m trying—I just need you to get some of that believe in us back and hold my hand as I go . . . because I’m going in blind, baby.”