“You suck!”
“I’m kidding.” Kissing her cheek. “I think I knew that there was something about you the minute I saw you. It made me say all those things and want them to be true.”
“My turn.” Blushing more. “This one.” Handing him the book open to a page.
“Senior year as well.”
I quit the baseball team. I want time to be with friends, play music, do other things with my life. I’m burned out. No more awards to win, things to prove. The joy of playing is gone. The guys are going to kill me. Fuck it. Coach was cool, sort of, not really. He’s one of the reasons I quit so who cares what he thinks? He’s an asshole, plays favorites, picked some junior to be captain after all the time I put into the team. Maybe I am being an asshole myself, not a team player. Whatever. They lost today and I was happy. I am a dick. Besides working on my music, I am acting in a play. A musical. Never done it before because it was always baseball season. I hope I don’t suck. Guys will give me shit for that as well. Can’t win.
“I didn’t know you played.”
“Yep. Shortstop.”
“I was an all-star pitcher myself.”
“Really?”
“Yup. Did everyone give you a hard time?”
“Yeah, especially since I had to wear these tights for one of my costumes. What did one of my friends say? ‘Guys do not let guys wear tights.’” Closing the book.
“I bet you look hot in tights.”
“I’ll show you later. So, more?”
“Sure.”
“I like that book over there with the pink flowers.”
“That was the one I finished right before I met you.”
“Cool, I can see the you before the us.” Opening a page in the middle.
I am in that blissed out state of sleeping too little and feeling too much. I slept at John’s last night for the first time. We only made out, then fell asleep cuddling and it was great. I was nervous at first because when we talk it’s really intense, no flirtiness, nor easiness, it’s interesting and deep and kind of cold. Not emotional in a fuzzy sort of way. It made me think he wasn’t into me in “that” way. But when he kissed me …
“Why am I reading this to you?” Shutting the book and looking up. “It feels weird.”
“It is a little weird. John’s the guy you broke up with when we got together?”
“Yeah. The guy who ceased to exist after we met.”
“But it seems like you liked him a lot.”
“I did, but after a while all that intellectual intensity minus the comfortable easy thing gets to be tiring. I just wanted to be sexy and spontaneous instead of always having to talk everything to death.”
“So you’re saying I’m not as smart as him?” Kind of hurt.
“No!” Grabbing his hand. “Of course not. You’re just easier to be myself around. Like, we can talk about politics and art and then be goofy and watch Blind Date. With him, everything was so explained, so planned out. Our relationship was like a mental chess game and seldom were any moves unexpected or really that physical. I never felt like I could just be free. You let me be me, you feel like home.”
“You too. When I am with you, I feel like you see me completely for who I am. From the minute I met you, Molly, you were this light that I could stare for hours at without blinking. Listen to this.” Pulling out a book.
I met this girl last night. Molly. Freckles and the greatest smile. There is something about her, it’s weird. The moment I looked in her eyes it was like I could see right through her. Not in a she is empty way, more like I could see all of her and then all of me reflected back. It freaked me out. Everything changed in that one minute. The smells, the air, me. It feels like I came home. That I have known her forever. Fuck! This is nuts. I have known her for a handful of hours and I’m tripping out. I close my eyes and her smile is there, just hanging out in my head. I hear her voice everywhere now, like we have been talking everyday for our whole lives. I am not making sense. Is there love at first sight?
“How did I get so lucky?” Molly asked. “Sometimes I wonder why you love me so much. I look at us and I think I’m in someone’s big practical joke and soon it’ll be exposed and you will in fact not exist. You’re just a figment of my imagination.”
“That’s crazy.” Looking at her. “It drives me nuts that you are so untrusting of this, of us! Do you not know how strong you are? How loving? How beautiful inside and out? You move away from your family whom you are so close with. You hustle and work, and you don’t take everything your family wants to give you. You do it for yourself, by yourself, you start a business that is flourishing. You take care of me, feed me, make sure the bills are paid, see every one of my shows that you can, listen to my crappy first-draft songs, help me when I hit a wall. You listen to me, to Jaycee, to all of your friends. You do all this and you still think you aren’t perfect and need to be more. Just being you is perfection.”
“Wow.” Molly was almost rendered speechless by his praise.
“Wow, is right. Where did all that come from?” Smiling at her, blushing. “Little intense?”
“Just a little.”
Liam leaned over and kissed her long and hard.
“This is real,” he said, looking in her eyes.
“I know.” Looking at him.
“Do you?”
“Yeah, I do, and maybe that is what makes me think it’s only a dream.” Holding his face in her hands. “So it seems like we are stuck with each other.”
“Forever.”
The kiss they then shared was different from all others. Molly felt like she was melting into him, merging. Molly felt safe and solid and part of something that would grow and nurture her for the rest of her life. The kiss tattooed itself onto her and no other pair of lips would ever be a match.
Molly laid her head back on her bed and ran her fingers again over her journal. She knew that no other man would fit her like he did and that scared her. She let out a sigh. In a lifetime of forgettable men, Liam would always remain. Together or apart, she would never be free from him because in him she saw herself. They were each other’s mirrors, soul mates. She knew right then that she was going back and she knew she was setting herself up for whatever came. Despite the voice within telling her to cut her losses, be tough, move on, there was a louder, more trained operatic aria telling her that she couldn’t just leave without giving him an opportunity to set things straight. Yes, she had in the past made deal upon deal, promise upon promise, with herself and with him, but somehow knowing he was getting help, admitting the problems he had couldn’t be solved all by himself, working on a solution, cleaned the slate—or at least washed off the old chalk. Maybe she was being naive or stupid, but those were her choices.
She also knew that she had to be strong enough to withstand the next chapter because she had to be with him. She just had to be. Whoever ran things out there, whether it was God or Fate or whatever, wouldn’t have had them connect in such a profound way, only to make it so they could never be truly solid together. Also, “they” wouldn’t make it virtually impossible for Molly to steer clear of Liam, if in going back she was setting herself up for total and complete destruction. She was a good girl from a good family who, even though she had bouts of self-doubt and drove the people close to her nuts with her lack of self-confidence, she deserved a shot at happily ever after. She prayed she could feel safe again inside his arms and trust him with her heart. If they could rebuild that, maybe they could survive. Maybe. Molly fell asleep easier that night than all the others that had come before.
eleven
The next morning when Molly woke up, she had this desperate need to connect with Liam. She needed to hear that he was okay and getting stronger. She had decided that she was going to support him, or at least try to. She still wasn’t ready to talk to him directly, she hadn’t planned the perfect conversation—or really the monologue she was going to deliver. Another call to Elizabeth would do the trick. Elizabeth would tell her enough to g
et her up to speed. Molly picked up the phone and dialed Elizabeth’s cell. It rang three times before being answered.
“Hello.” A male voice answered.
“Um, hi. Is this Elizabeth McGuire’s phone?” Not registering.
“It’s me, Molly.”
“Liam?” Molly choked.
“Hey, baby.”
Molly was tongue-tied.
“Molly? You there?”
“Yeah.” Clearing her throat. “I’m here. Where’s your mom?”
“In the bathroom. She left her bag.”
“I thought you couldn’t have visitors.”
“That was only the first week. No contact until you’ve detoxed and had some heavy doses of therapy.”
“Oh.”
“How are you, Mol? I miss you.” His voice was light and normal.
“How are you? How are you feeling?” Molly bounced back.
“Better, stronger. It’s been good to talk through some stuff and I feel clearer. But it’s kind of crazy in here. You should see some of my compatriots in this getting clean thing. They have some wild stories.” Trying to catch her up.
“Good.” Still unable to come up with more than one-word responses.
“So, again, how are you? How’s home? What’s up? The last time we talked things weren’t too pretty. They kind of sucked and I’m sorry.”
“No, they weren’t, but I’m fine.”
“Fine? You’re fine. Can’t you elaborate a bit on fine? I’ve been waiting to talk to you again.” His voice finally cracking. “It’s been too long, baby.”
“I don’t know, I feel better, calmer, fuck. I don’t know,” Molly stuttered. “Listen, I have to go, my parents are calling me.” Lying.
“Molly, don’t hang up, please. I have so much to say to you. I love …”
“I gotta go. Glad you are feeling better. ’Bye.” Hanging up quickly.
Molly slammed down the phone. Her hands were trembling. What she just did could be the video shown in the dictionary next to the verb “to choke.” What was wrong with her that she couldn’t have an adult conversation with a man she had just spent more than two years with? He sounded like himself, so normal, so strong, so real, so unexpected. She blew it, unable to give in, unable to articulate. Maybe her heart had decided to listen, but her head and ears had yet to catch up. She took a deep breath and headed downstairs. The whole family was gathered around the table. She tried her best to plaster a smile on her face and toss off the previous ten minutes.
Henry had decided to keep the restaurant closed and give everyone a day off. Pancakes and muffins were on the table along with eggs, bacon, bagels, and lox. Every possible breakfast food. The Sterns’ Vegas-style buffet theme was alive and well in the kitchen. Everyone was quietly eating when Molly grabbed some juice and sat down next to her brother.
“A toast.” Raising her glass. “To my family who seriously kicked ass last night.”
“Cheers.” Halfheartedly.
They all weakly clinked glasses and kept eating. Something felt off.
“What was the final verdict, Dad?” Pushing through the thick air.
“Everyone loved it. I booked another party in a few weeks, the restaurant is booked for the rest of the week, and instead of just a two-page piece, Food & Wine is extending it to a feature. We are going to have six or so pages plus recipes in the October issue.”
“That’s so cool!”
“It is, isn’t it? Who would have thought a lawyer could become a gourmet chef?”
“The gamble paid off.” Helen, stating.
“It sure did.” Henry looked at his wife. “Mom tells me you decided to go for it with the store.”
“Yeah, I told Jay yesterday.”
“What store?” Alex asked.
“Jaycee and I are going to open a boutique in LA. Jewelry, obviously, and clothing. She found this great space.”
“So you’re leaving?” Renee asked.
“Yup, in a few days.”
“I kind of thought that you would stick around a little longer.”
“Me too,” Alex added. “I mean, I’m excited about the store, but it just seems like everything was crazy in LA. You ready to go back?”
“I think so. I have to. It’s where I live. I’ll be fine.”
“What about Liam?” Alex asked and everyone glared. “What? It’s not like all of you weren’t thinking it.”
“I don’t know.” Lying because she already knew she was going to give him another chance, she just wasn’t ready to tell. “All I know is that I can’t hide out forever.”
“Are you going back? Are you going to get back together?”
“Alex.” Renee raised her voice. “Chill out with the third degree.”
“Let’s just enjoy our breakfast.” Molly tried to change the subject.
“Look, we are all just looking out for you. You show up here out of the blue, all freaked out and upset because your boyfriend is a drug addict and almost dies, and then you tell us you are going home just like that.” Alex, raising his voice. “You should also know that Mom talked to Elizabeth this morning and we know everything.”
“What does that mean?”
Molly wished she had gotten up earlier and intercepted that call. It seemed she had missed by mere minutes. Elizabeth probably chatted with her parents right before she went to the bathroom and left her phone in Liam’s grasp.
“Stop avoiding. The accident, does that ring a bell?” Yelling at her.
“Alex, come on,” Renee pleaded.
“No, someone has to say something!” Yelling louder. “All of you are walking on eggshells, but I just can’t. You all have been the whole time she has been home. She’s not going to break! Molly, what the fuck are you doing?!”
“Stop screaming at me!” Molly cried. “What the fuck is your problem?”
“My problem is that my sister forgot to mention to any of us that she almost died in a fucking car accident!”
Molly’s face paled and all the air got sucked from the room. She felt like she was in one of those infomercials demonstrating vacuum packaging, only she wasn’t holding the gadget but being sucked into the bag choking on latex.
“It wasn’t that bad.” Bursting into tears.
“Molly.” Helen came over and put her arms around her daughter. “Alex, please, you aren’t helping.”
“Mom, and coddling her is? Hello, Earth to Mother. He almost killed her. Don’t just let this go. Molly, how can you forgive all that!? You are such an idiot!”
“It wasn’t like that,” Molly stuttered. “And you should not be lecturing me on forgiveness seeing how you yourself have been the recipient of someone else’s.”
“Molly, please don’t,” Renee pleaded.
“What are you talking about, Molly? This is not about me,” Alex yelled.
“What this is about is loving people who fuck up and hurt others and fuck around on them and are forgiven because no one is perfect and maybe together is better even if it is flawed. You, my dear brother, fit into that little equation rather perfectly.”
Alex’s face blanched and he looked at his wife.
“Yes, I know.” Molly, continuing. “And you should not be so high-and-mighty judging someone else’s relationship.”
“What is all this about?” Helen asked. “Alex?”
“It’s nothing, Mom, she’s just trying to deflect.”
“Fine, play it that way.” Molly shook her head. “I don’t care.”
“Alex, let’s go for a walk.” Renee grabbed her husband by the shoulder.
“No.” Refusing to budge and knocking her hand away.
“Now!” Glaring at him.
Reluctantly, Alex got up and left Molly with her parents in the kitchen. Henry came to the other side of Molly and sat down. Molly was trying to calm down.
“The accident wasn’t really like that.”
“Why don’t you tell us what happened then,” Henry told his daughter.
Molly w
iped her face with her hand and steadied herself. It had been four months since the accident. Long enough to forget, but then again, not long enough to really pretend like it never happened. It had been a Wednesday night like any other. Molly had made them an early dinner because Liam had a special show later and she knew that if he didn’t eat he would be hungry. They had steak and a salad with this new miso dressing Molly had found at Whole Foods. It was a good meal, and Liam left to go set up. He took her car—bigger trunk space—and Molly was getting a ride from Jay. He wasn’t playing until eleven so she took a leisurely bath, had a glass of wine, and got dressed. Jeans, a Harley-Davidson belt Liam had bought her at the flea market, and a green, striped chiffon, off-the-shoulder top. Jay picked her up around ten and they went to Small’s, a tiny, very hip, very cool new bar that Elliot opened near his restaurant. Liam was doing the unannounced gig as a favor to his friend, and it was a good way to test out some new songs for the second album.
It was already crowded when they got there. Word spread fast in LA. Elliot had saved them a table by the small stage. The place could maybe hold a hundred people max and it was full. Familiar faces abounded, including Zander and Elena. Both smiled meekly when they caught her eye and flew quickly to the opposite side of the bar. They all had reached a silent agreement to just ignore each other and back off. Liam barely saw them anymore so Molly felt like she had won. Childish, but it still made her smile inside. Jay grabbed them some drinks and the night wore on. Liam played, it was great, Elliot was happy, and soon it was time to go.
“You want me to give you a ride home?” Jay asked.
“Let me check and see how long Liam is going to be.” She hopped off her seat and walked over to her boyfriend. “Baby, what’s your ETA?”
“Soon, I think—stay. Let’s go home together.”
“Okay.”
Molly walked back to Jay.
“I’m going to wait.”
“Cool. Goodnight, my dear.” Kissing Molly on the cheek and making her way out of the bar.
About a half hour later, Molly and Liam finished packing up the car and were ready to go. Molly was a little tipsy, so maybe she wasn’t paying as close attention as she should have to Liam. He pulled the keys from his pocket and started the car up. He leaned over and kissed Molly hard on the mouth. He banged her teeth with his.
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