by Madelon Smid
“If I left him, he’d be miserable. He’d want to die from the pain, the emptiness. I know this because that’s how I’d feel if he left me.” Jake’s voice sounded in the background. Cat heard the sound of a kiss, quickened breathing on Siree’s end of the phone.
“For god’s sake, hang up first,” she hollered into the phone. “I’m off to book my ticket. Goodnight.” Sometimes Siree’s transparency made her laugh, but her reference to lost love left Cat foundering in a swamp of sadness.
****
Though travelling on the holidays was never her favorite thing, Cat booked a ticket, packed, and anticipated her time with Siree. She admitted loneliness spurred her on. Siree soaked up the distractions Cat provided. And Cat felt good, knowing she was helping Siree get through a few more days of her pregnancy. She enjoyed watching Jake’s tender ministration and hair-pulling frustration when Siree wouldn’t cooperate with his dictates.
One day she borrowed the Hummer and drove Siree into Toronto for lunch. Her friend acted like she’d been released from prison. Cat got a freedom buzz of her own. For once, she didn’t have to feel constrained or cautious. They laughed and ate decadent desserts. They laughed more when Siree got stuck sliding out of the booth. Cat called the waiter and asked for olive oil for her friend. The image of greasing Siree down sent them into whoops of hilarity. Cat settled them down before Siree went into labor, but bet herself her friend would have her baby much sooner than a month.
On her return to Seattle, Sam suggested lunch. Cat looked out the window of the restaurant. A rare snow shower laid wet white drifts onto the streets and window sills. It melted almost as fast as it fell.
Sam finished perusing the menu, dropped the leather binder onto the table. “Well, your month is long up, and we haven’t addressed your employment. Do you want to extend your contract?”
“Yes, I would, if you have a full-time position for me. I enjoy the work and like Seattle.”
“So no going home, no trips to D.C.?”
“No travel anywhere for a while. I spent a lot of years moving around. I like staying put.”
Sam played with his silverware, head bent. With a flash of sapphire eyes, he trapped her gaze. “Since we’re between contracts, I’m taking a friend’s privilege and asking you about something that’s bothering me. What about Josh?”
Cat met him look for look. “He chose the high ground, leaving me to choose. In some ways, it’s harder than if he gave me an ultimatum.”
“Josh would consider an ultimatum the same as blackmail. He’d never issue one,” Sam said with conviction. “He’s hurting, and we both know you’re the cause.” He held up his hand when she went to interrupt him. “He puts a good face on it, even dated a woman staying at our hotel over the holidays, but he’s not happy.”
“Someone’s trying to kill him, keeping him a prisoner instead of living the life he wants. He needs the best security.” She stuttered to a halt as Sam stared at her impatiently.
“That’s bullshit and you know it. Sure it’s going on, but Josh’s philosophy minimizes the stress he feels around what may or may not happen. He can’t handle his emotions as easily. You reeled him in, gutted him, and threw him away like he stank.”
Cat tottered upright, feeling like Sam had just taken a swipe at her belly with a machete. “If that’s what you think of me, renewing the contract is a bad idea.”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake, sit down. Find some of your Marine toughness instead of acting like a drama queen,” he charged. He leaned across the table, grabbed her wrist, and forced her back into the chair. “I don’t think you’re a bad person. You’re probably hurting too. I can’t stand seeing him disappear. It’s like he’s emptier inside every time I go there. I love the guy.” His voice broke. “I want to help him, but don’t know how.”
She murmured words meaning nothing, mere attempts at shouldering his pain.
“You left him. He’s hooked on your line, and you’re still holding the rod.” His eyes begged her.
“I’m pretty sure he broke the line and escaped. My cowardice hurt him. He walked out, not me. He can’t trust me, so he won’t want me,” she said with conviction.
“Josh understands you, loves you. How can you doubt him?”
“If he loves me, why didn’t he stop me? Why doesn’t he come after me?”
“Because he loves you.” He thumped his fist on the table in frustration. “He places your wants higher than his needs.”
“That damn integrity of his,” Cat cursed. “Why can’t he be screwed up like the rest of us?”
“Consider he is. His disadvantage is once you choose high ground you’re stuck up there. If you want to change your position, you have only one direction, down, and moving down requires you to look down, making yourself vulnerable to an ambush. You’re at a disadvantage. High ground can become a really lonely place.”
As a soldier, she identified with Sam’s scenario. Thinking of Josh caught in a position he couldn’t change without making himself even more vulnerable rocked her, undermining the pylons she’d rested her arguments for withdrawal upon. “I’ll think about what you’ve said.” She met Sam’s worried gaze.
“Good.” Sam smiled as the waitress stopped beside the table. “Just in time to save a starving man.” Once more playful as a sea otter, he captured the older woman’s interest and charmed the best food and service from her.
They talked about business for the rest of the meal. Sam discussed her next assignment, told her he’d have his financial advisor draft up a new contract, and left her outside the restaurant. She headed back to the office on her own, while he drove to his next meeting.
****
Josh didn’t know if he’d been working for hours or days. Some noise got through to him, he started to surface. Hands descended on his shoulder. Cat, he closed his eyes and prayed. No, these hands were too small; the voice didn’t have the sultry depth of the south.
“Siree?” He swung around. “How did you get in here?”
“Your security guard let us in while you stayed oblivious to our arrival.” She pointed to the large man standing by the security panel. Then she swiveled his chair around and seized his shoulders with determined hands. “You’re one big knot. How long have you been working?”
He lowered his head, groaning when she attacked a large knot under his shoulder blade. “Don’t know. Tricky stuff. Keeps eluding me,” he mumbled. “Where’s Jake?”
“Jake and Thompson are bringing in our stuff.” Siree stepped back, as a racket outside the loft preceded the opening of the heavy wooden door.
“Whoa, look at you. Where’s the baby bulge?” Josh was suddenly fully aware. Siree stood as slender and fit as when they’d last climbed together.
“I gave it to Jake to carry for a while.” She grinned saucily at her husband as he entered carrying a tiny blanket-wrapped bundle in his arms. Thomas, Jake’s long time bodyguard and driver, stood behind with several suitcases. He set them down inside the loft. Jake spoke to him quietly and he departed.
“Looks like you’ve come for a month.” Josh hugged Siree and strode across to his friend.
“Say hi to your godson.” Jake pulled back the blankets so Josh could look at the baby.
His large hands cradled his son so tenderly, Josh’s throat tightened. He couldn’t speak. Josh stared at the tiny baby whose eyes were squeezed shut, lips puckered. He reached out a finger, stroked the silken cheek, and touched a wisp of black down on the baby’s head.
“My godson?” He met Jake’s eyes. The two men communed for long seconds.
“His name is Miles, after Siree’s dad.” Jake’s voice was gruff. “We’d like you and Sam to be his godfathers.”
Siree placed her hand on his arm. “Please, Josh. We can’t think of a better person in the whole world to be part of Miles’s life and raise him if we can’t.”
Josh felt his heart cramp in his chest. Moisture formed in the corner of his bloodshot eyes. He looked at his friend stan
ding with the women he loved, holding a child created from their union. Envy curdled his blood. He drew back from the thought with a shudder.
He loved Jake and Siree. He already loved this tiny bundle they were inviting into his life. He was happy his friends had everything they wanted. He wouldn’t let the knowledge he would never experience this moment with the woman he loved, would never cradle his own child protectively in his arms, as Jake did, take away from their faith in him, and their joy in Miles.
He reached for the baby. “I’m honored. Let me hold my godson.” Jake settled him carefully in Josh’s arms. He felt the slight weight, the warmth of sleeping child. The little lips pursed, and small bubbles appeared.
They all laughed at the precious sight. “He’s trying to give you a kiss,” Siree said. “Even in his sleep, he feels safe with you.”
Josh’s throat ached as if he’d swallowed fire and lost the ability to breathe. He blinked to rid his eyes of the tears. He was just tired. He’d get his balance back as soon as he ate.
The baby stirred, whimpered, made little sucking motions with his tiny lips. The three friends grinned at each other over his small body. “Everything he does seems like a miracle. You’ll boot us out long before we’re ready to leave,” Jake admitted, a sheepish grin rimming his mouth.
“Is your condo being painted, has the plumbing stopped up?” Josh poked.
“We’re only here overnight. Though you couldn’t tell it from the pile of luggage we have, but most of that is for Miles. It’s a waste of time driving back and forth. We’d rather spend our time with you than in the limo.”
Siree lifted Miles from Josh’s arms. “He’s hungry and will start screaming for food any second. I’m heading for the bedroom. If you’ll bring in our stuff, Jake, then maybe you guys can do your thing while Miles and I do ours.” She crossed to the guest room, immersed in her son.
Jake and Josh followed her with three overnight bags, a bouncy chair, and stuffed diaper bag. “I feel like we’re moving a house every time we go somewhere,” Jake joked. “The logistics alone keep me busy.”
They deposited the things around the guest room. “I vote for a beer in the hot tub,” he told Josh. “My trunks are in my locker in your gym. Can’t wait for a long soak. Miles has me run ragged.”
“And loving it,” Siree teased. She settled herself in the armchair, threw a small blanket over her shoulder, and made shushing movements with her hand at the two men. “Out, out.”
Ten minutes later, Josh sank into the hot tub in his gym and chug-a-lugged an ice cold beer. “So why are you really here?”
“Just checking in. You’ve been off the radar for six weeks now. You don’t generally stay out of touch that long. Siree was worried about you.”
Josh chuckled. “All this for Siree, huh?”
“I’m not too macho to say I’m concerned. I know you took Cat’s leaving hard. You weren’t yourself on the climb, and you’ve been off the grid since. I figured you’d immerse yourself in work and wanted eyes-on assurance you’re taking care of yourself. You look like shit, by the way.”
“Something like you after you left Siree and hung out on that tropical island for two months, you mean?”
“Touché.” Jake clinked his beer bottle with Josh’s. “Just remember you and Sam showed up and dragged me out of the quagmire I’d sunk into. Just wanted to return the favor if necessary.”
“I’m okay.” Josh looked into Jake’s eyes steadily. “I’m dealing. The good news is whoever mounted the attacks seems to have given up or backed off. I contracted a retired FBI technician to take on the daily security checks, so I can focus on my software. I just worked out a particularly tough piece of it today, yesterday—whatever. What the hell day is it anyway?”
“It’s 7:00 p.m. on Wednesday, January 12. I accepted your refusal for Christmas with us, didn’t get to celebrate New Year’s with you. So give me tonight and we’ll call it quits.
“I went windsurfing for Christmas while you froze your butt off.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry Siree’s friendship with Cat precluded inviting you.” Jake took a thoughtful swig of his beer. “Cat was aware her presence kept you away.”
Josh let out a long gust of air. “Is Sam into her?”
“Never. Sam would never go there, even if he felt something, which I assure you he doesn’t. Cat isn’t at all interested in him either.”
Josh sank lower in the water, letting the jet behind him hammer away on his knotted shoulders.
“Oh come on, I know you want to ask, you know you want to ask.”
“So how is she? How did she look?”
“She looked damn lonely if you ask me. Lovely as ever. But she’s all closed in. You know barriers up, except when she’s with Siree. Sam says she’s an excellent researcher and pours herself into her work. She’s started climbing lessons.”
“Cat? Climbing?” Josh sat up, sloshing water over the side of the huge tub. “Now that’s something I’d like to see. She had more excuses than a pregnant teenager every time I suggested she come up with me.”
“I shouldn’t tell you this, and feel like an idiot for sounding like an old gossip, but Sam thinks she’s doing it to feel closer to you. She wants to understand what you see in it.”
Josh groaned. “No, you shouldn’t tell me. It gives me hope, and that’s as false as a spoofer’s spam.”
“Sorry, chum.” Jake finished his beer. “Guess I should get out of here and go rustle up some food for my woman.” He stood, towering over Josh and spraying water everywhere. “Oh sorry.” He grinned widely as he clamored over the side sending another wave into Josh’s face.
Josh closed his eyes. “Jerk. Just for that, I’ll take another ten and let you get dinner.”
“Plan on eating pizza, then. I’ll let Luke know I’m ordering takeout.” Jake dried off, wrapped a huge towel around his waist, and left the gym.
Josh soaked, feeling his muscles loosen, the tight band around his head give way releasing a little of the pain behind his eyes. He credited the bubbling water, but Jake’s news brought a little relief. Cat seemed lonely, and Cat and Sam weren’t together. She’d started climbing to feel closer to him. Pure conjecture on Sam’s part, he warned himself, but still felt like her slender fingers stroked tenderly over his hurting heart. He rose, showered, dressed, and joined his friends, feeling a little lighter, as their support and unconditional love put warmth, laughter, and distraction back into his life.
Settled in his bed hours later, he listened to the quiet murmurings of Siree and Jake as they fed and changed Miles. They’d come through for him, like they always did, always would. He pledged into the darkness, he would be there full out, one hundred percent for Miles. And he would not sink again into the dark abyss that held him these past weeks.
Jake and Siree’s act of caring would be rewarded. He’d pull his life back together, get out there. He’d move ahead with hiring a director for High Ground and contract another technician. He’d been secretly holding the positions for Cat. Maybe he’d start dating again. Who was he kidding? He’d just be leading someone on, because he’d never want another woman—only his Creole beauty. But he’d wrap all the rest of his life around that empty spot inside him, and maybe if he added enough layers, he’d forget it existed.
****
Cat gave Sam’s advice a lot of thought. In fact, finding the right answers took up the majority of her spare time. Had she left Josh for a legitimate reason? Or was she just a gutless wonder? Josh’s words often came to her. Take action or change your attitude. What can I do?
She asked the question, as she walked out the door of the little café she often frequented for lunch. I can’t take action until I change my attitude. Josh said sometimes it takes a little of both. What I feel for Josh happened months ago, I can’t undo my feelings, can’t pretend I don’t have them. I don’t get a choice. I love him.
With acceptance, came a huge sense of relief, of walking out of dark cave into a world filled
with light. Cat’s steps quickened as she covered the few blocks to the office.
“You become vulnerable.” Sam’s words reverberated in her head. Josh had opened himself completely to her, told her he loved her, and backed off when his love made her panic. She, in contrast, had refused to make herself vulnerable. What good was a medal for bravery, if the action you took later turned you into a coward? Love required courage, a huge amount of courage, for with love, like war, you put your life on the line. If he rejects me, I’ll be devastated. If he doesn’t, I’ll be loved. Either way pain is part of life.
She reached the corner of the block, stopping at the curb. A black van pulled up in front of her, nosing its way into the intersection as if to make a right turn. Two men closed on her, muscling her from behind. A gun pressed into her ribcage. The side door of the van slid open and a man inside pointed a Smith and Wesson at her.
She looked down the bore of the pistol. Her choices were minimal. Her PM40 was strapped to her ankle, but innocent pedestrians moved past on all sides. A gunfight would surely kill some of them. Before she could call out for help, or struggle against them, a push from behind landed her on the floor of the van. The door slammed shut, dimming the light.
Quick and efficient, the work of professionals, she thought. Her hands were forced behind her back and plastic flex cuffs used to restrain them. Someone grabbed her ankles, pressed them together so she couldn’t kick. She heard the rasp of metal sliding out of leather as they disarmed her and bound her ankles together with duct tape. A wide piece of the same roll was plastered roughly across her mouth.
She curled onto her side, out of the range of their feet, and stayed quiet. Anything they said might prove helpful. They might want to recover something she’d found for Sam’s company or work for the guys trying to take Josh down. Elation spurred her heartbeat. They were coming after her, because they couldn’t get to him. Josh warned her that separating from him could put her in danger.
If they thought she could access his spyware, they were crazy. Yes, and that made them all the more dangerous. She would let them think she was nonthreatening and take them by surprise. She remained calm, entrenched training gave her total confidence. Her body relaxed, storing energy. She followed the sounds of the traffic and listened for noises disclosing their route.