Cement Heart

by Beth Ehemann

  “Hi!” He waved at me, grinning just as big as his sister had.

  “Hey, buddy!” I walked over and high-fived him. “How’s it shaking?”

  He scrunched his little eyebrows together and looked up at me. “How’s what shaking?”

  “Never mind, bud.” I laughed and he went back to his noodles.

  “Matthew, never take anything Uncle Viper says literally. It’s a very important lesson we all need to learn at one point or another,” Mike teased as he set Maura down in some weird-looking baby contraption.

  “You two aren’t going to corrupt my son, are you?” Michelle breezed into the kitchen.

  “That’s the plan,” I answered.

  Mike tilted his head to the side, smiling slightly as he watched her frantically open drawer after drawer. “What are you looking for?”

  “My credit card. I can’t find— Here it is!” She grinned, holding her gold card up in the air.

  “Where are you going anyway?” I asked.

  She shoved the card into her purse. “Book club.”

  I frowned at her. “Why do you need a credit card for book club?”

  Mike looked at me and rolled his eyes. “Why do they have book club at a pub?”

  “Correction,”—she held her finger up in the air—“it’s at a martini bar. Way classier than a pub.”

  “Mmhmm, if you say so.” She walked over and stood up high on her tippy toes to give Mike a kiss. He smacked her ass as she walked away. Her perfume tickled my nose and I realized I’d never really seen her dress up before. Not like this. She actually looked… hot.

  “Okay, baby…” She threw her purse over her shoulder and walked over to Matthew, then knelt down next to him and kissed his cheek. “I love you. Have fun tonight.”

  “Love you too, Momma.”

  She wiped her lipstick off his cheek with her hand and whispered something in his ear, making him giggle. Then she left. Again with the damn perfume.

  Perfume on a woman is like a secret weapon against men. It flies up our noses and heads straight for our brains, making us completely pussy drunk. We suddenly turn into bees that need to stick our little bee dicks into a woman’s flower for a taste of that sweet, sweet nectar. Intoxicating.

  “What did Mom say to you?” Big Mike asked Matthew.

  “She said you and Uncle Viper are crazy, so I’m in charge tonight.” He giggled again and shoved a huge bite of noodles into his mouth.

  “Oh, really? Then what are we doing tonight, boss?” Mike walked over and picked up Maura, who had started fussing in her swing. She was six months old already but still so tiny in Mike’s huge paw.

  “We’re gonna…” His little face twisted and contorted as he thought about what he wanted to do. “Let’s eat lots of cookies and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!”

  I shrugged. “Sounds good to me.”

  AN HOUR LATER, Maura had eaten, puked weird white shit all over Mike’s shirt, and passed out in another baby apparatus in the corner of the family room while Big Mike, Matthew, and I each lay on a different part of the sectional, watching the Minnesota Twins beat the crap out of the White Sox.

  “So this is what you do with your Friday nights, huh?” I asked Mike as I glanced around the room, fascinated by the simplicity of the evening.

  “Pretty much.” He smiled proudly. “Awesome, huh?”

  “Sure.” I shrugged. “If you don’t like women with tits.”

  “Really?” Mike glared at me before looking over at Matthew, who was too busy watching TV to pay attention to us. “Come on, Finkle, you know one day you’ll be an old married man like me with a wife and house full of little kids.” He picked up the remote and changed the channel from the baseball game to some obnoxious cartoon with a singing yellow sponge.

  I stared in disgust as the porous little bastard danced around the screen and poked his big pink friend in the gut. “Not if it means having to watch this shit.”

  Matthew gasped, his mouth hanging open as his head twisted quickly toward me and then over to his dad.

  Big Mike tried to hold in his laugh. “Try not to swear, okay?”

  Jesus, it would be easier not to eat for a week than it would be not to swear.

  “Sorry. But no, you and Brody live in a different universe than me.”

  He frowned. “What do you mean?”

  “He’s like you now. Busy with the family all the time and preoccupied.”

  “He’s not preoccupied, he just has different priorities now. Unfortunately, being your wingman at the bar has taken a backseat to his wife and kids.”

  “I know, and trust me, the last thing I need is a wingman. It’s just weird. I hardly see him anymore.”

  “It hasn’t been so bad, though. You and I have been hanging out a lot more.” He smiled a big, goofy grin at me.

  “Easy there, big guy. Reel your vagina back in.” I glanced over at him and shot him a small, playful smile. “It has been nice, though, hanging out I mean. I’ve been over here so often lately your couch is starting to take on the imprint of my a—” I cleared my throat. “—butt.”

  We sat in awkward silence for a minute, trying to figure out how to make our conversation manly again.

  “It’s not so bad, you know? Wife, kids, the whole thing. It’s actually pretty awesome.” He nodded toward Matthew. “That one looks at me like I’m a superhero for something simple like throwing frozen waffles in the toaster, and that sleepy little girl smiles all the time, even in the middle of the night.”

  “Sorry, you lost me at ‘middle of the night.’”

  “Oh, bull. Half the time you don’t crawl home until the middle of the night. Stop acting like you couldn’t handle a 2 a.m. feeding.”

  “I need my beauty sleep.”

  “That I’ll agree with, ugly.”

  I picked a bottle cap up off of the coffee table and launched it across the couch at him, fist-pumping when it bounced off the top of his head. “And why the fu—” I caught myself and looked at Matthew, who was staring right at me, listening to every word we were saying. “—heck are you feeding her at two in the morning anyway? Isn’t that the woman’s job?”

  Big Mike’s eyes grew wide and a heavy laugh escaped him. “Viper, my boy, you have a lot to learn. First, never say anything is her job or you’ll be parking it on the couch for a long time with a serious ‘dry spell,’ if you know what I mean,” he said, making air quotes with his fingers.

  “I wasn’t being a pig. I was being serious,” I defended. “I thought they had the… equipment to take care of that.”

  “They do, but sometimes that equipment gets clogged or doesn’t produce enough milk or she’s just plain tired and you have to step it up.”

  Clogged?

  I held my hand up to stop him from going any further. “Okay, okay. I get it. No more.”

  Mike smirked at me without saying a word.

  “What? Stop it.” I was uncomfortable with him staring at me like he was.

  “I can see it.”

  “See what?”

  “You.” He grinned. “With a kid.”

  “No fu—” I caught myself again—barely. “No way.”

  “I’m not kidding. You’re all rough and tough, but I can totally picture you schlepping some mini-Viper around with you to games and practices, showing him off.”

  “Absolutely not.” I shook my head firmly. “The last thing this world needs is another Viper.”

  “Well, I agree with that too, but I think it would soften that cement heart of yours.”

  “I like my cement heart.” I sighed.

  Before he continued his quest to talk me into becoming a father, we heard the front door close. Mike sat up and peeked over the edge of the couch toward the kitchen.

  “Hi,” Michelle sighed as she tossed her purse onto the island.

  “Hey.” Mike sat up further. “What are you doing back so soon?”

  “A couple of the girls couldn’t make it because their kids were si
ck, so we had a small group tonight. We pretty much just had dinner and called it a night.” She walked over and checked on Maura briefly before kissing Matthew on the forehead and sitting down on the couch next to Mike with another heavy sigh.

  “I’m sorry. You sound bummed.” Big Mike lifted his arm and tucked it behind her head, pulling her in tight.

  “I am a little, but now I get to hang with my favorite people instead.” She lifted her head and smiled at him.

  “Mom?” Matthew asked.

  “Yes, baby?”

  He twisted his little face, thinking hard about whatever it was he was going to say next. “You’re kind of a woman, right?”

  Michelle giggled and tilted her head to the side. “Yes, honey, I am. Why?”

  “I was just wondering…” He paused and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “What are tits?”

  Michelle sat up straight and gasped as Big Mike cringed, shutting his eyes tight.

  “That’s my cue!” I hopped up and slapped Mike on the shoulder on my way out of the room. “See ya tomorrow, buddy. Nice seeing you again, Michelle!”

  “WHAT’S UP, LADIES?” I exclaimed as I crashed loudly through the wooden doors of the Minnesota Wild locker room.

  Everyone turned in my direction briefly and then went back to whatever they were doing, except for Brody and Big Mike, who rolled their eyes in unison.

  I hung my bag on my hook and turned toward them. Brody’s arms were crossed over his chest as he eyed me suspiciously. “Why are you so chipper?”

  “Because I’m young and alive and drop-dead gorgeous,” I bragged.

  “You’re not that young, and you’re definitely not drop-dead gorgeous, but you are alive, so one out of three ain’t so bad.” Brody laughed.

  Big Mike glared at me. “Barely alive.”

  “Oh, shit.” I stared back at him, suddenly remembering the tit incident from the night before. “How bad was it after I left?”

  Brody scrunched his eyebrows and looked back and forth between the two of us. “What did I miss?”

  “This moron”—Big Mike smacked my chest hard with the back of his hand—“doesn’t know how to watch his mouth around kids. Matthew asked Michelle what a tit was last night.”

  The edges of Brody’s lips turned white from him pushing them together so hard as he tried not to laugh.

  “It’s not funny!” Mike grumbled.

  Brody nodded in agreement but didn’t keep his composure for long. His hand slapped over his mouth as he let out a big laugh. “I’m sorry, but it’s fucking hysterical.”

  Brody laughing made me laugh, and eventually even Mike cracked a smile.

  “Okay, seriously. How bad was it?” I asked, feeling almost guilty, but not really.

  “It was”—Mike let out a heavy sigh—“not great. She explained to him what a tit was and why we don’t use that word. Then she marched around the kitchen mumbling something about you being grounded from the house until the kids go to college.”

  “Grounded?” I busted out laughing again. “I haven’t been grounded since… ever.”

  “Bullshit,” Brody disagreed. “There’s no way you were never grounded as a teenager.”

  “It’s true. I was a fucking angel. Still am,” I teased as I pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it in my bag.

  “Holy shit, everyone back up.” Brody held his arms straight out to his sides and took a giant step back. “Lightning is going to strike the locker room any second.”

  “So wait,”—I ignored him and looked at Mike—“since we’re grounded, does this mean you’re not coming over tonight?”

  Mike’s eyes darted to Brody’s and back to mine. “What’s tonight?”

  “You have the memory of a fucking goldfish,” I said as I picked a towel up off the bench and whipped it at his head. “Poker night, remember?”

  Brody ran his hands through his hair. “Oh, shit. I forgot.”

  “Tough,” I barked at him. “You have to be there, both of you.”

  Brody held his hands up in front of him defensively. “Relax, I’m going. I just forgot.”

  Mike nodded. “I’ll be there too. Who else will be there?”

  “I texted Andy, Viktor, and Louie, but I’ve only heard back from Louie so far.”

  Mike glanced around the room to make sure everyone was out of earshot. “Oh I’m sure Louie responded the second he got your text.” He laughed as he sat down on the bench to lace up his skates. “He’s so far up your ass that when you open your mouth to talk, I see his eyes staring at me from the back of your throat.”

  The sentence was barely out of Big Mike’s mouth when Louie popped his head around the corner. “Viper, are you going on the ice or working out first?”

  Brody let out a loud roar as he dropped to the bench and high-fived Mike, who was laughing just as hard.

  “Uh, not sure. Probably the weight room,” I answered.

  “Okay.” He nodded and disappeared back around the corner.

  I turned around to Brody and Mike, who were still laughing so hard they could hardly breathe. “Fuck you both. Be at my place at eight o’clock.” I grabbed my iPod and headed out toward the weight room.

  “You sure we can’t come earlier?” Big Mike teased in between breaths. “I can think of at least one person who’d like to get there earlier.”

  I flipped him off and kept walking.

  “I’M A LITTLE early. Hope that’s okay.” Louie smiled as he stood on my front porch.

  You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

  “It’s fine,” I lied. “Come on in.”

  Louie was the young and all too eager backup goalie for our team. He was a cocky little pain in the ass who seemed to always be two steps behind me, but for the most part, he was harmless. His arrogance turned most of the guys on the team off, and they gave him a lot of shit for it. Personally, I liked his attitude, so I kinda took him under my wing.

  “Nice place!” His eyes darted around my kitchen as he set a case of beer on the kitchen table.

  “Thanks. I wanted to buy a condo, but my grandma insisted I needed a yard.” I sighed.

  He shoved his hands into his jeans pockets and walked over to look out the back window. “Nice yard!”

  “Thanks. Again.”

  “Wait…” He turned back around with a puzzled look on his face. “Is that a trampoline out there?”

  “Yep.”

  “You don’t have kids, right?”

  “Nope.”

  “Then why do you have a trampoline?”

  Chuckling to myself, I shook my head as I loaded the beer into the fridge. “What’s a trampoline for, Louie?”

  “Uh… for people to… jump?”

  “Right. And what’s the best part when you’re fucking a girl and she’s on top?”

  I could practically smell the thick black smoke his brain was producing as he thought hard about what I’d just asked.

  Three… two… one…

  “Oooh! I get it!” His excitement turned into confusion almost instantly. “Wait… really? Chicks come over here to jump on your trampoline?”

  “No, they come over to hang out with me, and I sweetly coax them into the backyard where I sit on a recliner and drink a beer while they jump up and down on the trampoline, preferably in a bikini.”

  “You have a recliner out there too?” he exclaimed, turning back to the window.

  I tilted my head to the side and scratched it, completely baffled at his response. “That is what you got out of what I just said?”

  Before he could answer, the doorbell rang.

  Thank God.

  As I was heading toward the front door, it swung open. Brody, Mike, and Andy poured into the house, arguing over the baseball game.

  “Bullshit! That was a bad call at the plate. He was safe at home, and if you couldn’t see that, then I think we need a new goalie,” Mike ranted.

  “He was out,” Brody argued back. “The ball beat him by at least four steps
.”

  Andy nodded as they walked by, leaving my front door wide open.

  “What were you guys raised in a barn?” I called after them as I walked over to shut the door.

  Holy shit. I sound like Gam.

  “Wait for us!” Michelle giggled, pushing the door back open.

  Kacie reached up and kissed my cheek. “Hey, Uncle V.”

  My eyes practically bulged out of my head as they shuffled past me. “Hold up,” I commanded. “What are you guys doing here?”

  “We love poker night!” Michelle cheered, throwing her arms in the air.

  “We called Darla too. She’ll be here once she’s off work,” Kacie added. Noticing my lack of enthusiasm to see them, she added, “Awww, don’t worry. We aren’t here to ruin your boys’ night. I brought guacamole and wine.” They turned and walked toward the kitchen.

  “Wine doesn’t belong at poker night,” I yelled after them as I shut the door—again.

  At least they called Darla and invited her too. The odds of getting laid by something other than my hand just increased about a thousand percent.

  TWO HOURS HAD passed and we hadn’t even touched one card, but I was cool with it. We were still having a good time shooting the shit around the kitchen table. Darla had just gotten to my house and immediately parked herself on my lap. I was zoning out as she told Kacie and Michelle about the new doctor that had just started at the hospital. Apparently he had dreamy eyes and a killer ass.

  “So did you guys exchange numbers?” Kacie leaned in close to Darla, almost whispering.

  If it was for my benefit, I didn’t need her to be quiet. Darla was a beautiful, single girl who was free to date—and fuck—whoever she wanted. So was I. I liked our freedom with each other.

  “No, but we work together two more times this week. I totally checked his schedule.” She giggled.

  Darla never giggled.

  “You should ask him out for coffee or something,” Kacie urged her. “Make a move before another nurse on your floor snags him. A couple of those girls are major whores.”

  “Can I meet the whores?” Louie interrupted.

  Kacie rolled her eyes. “You get enough whores.”