A Student In Need

by Nicolas Schrammeck

  Alex looked up at him for a second before looking back down at the floor. “I…….I wanted to stay with Jason.”

  Anthony nodded. Again Alex was falling in line with the curve Anthony had expected. “How often do you try to stay with Jason?”

  Alex looked up at him. “All the time. We’re…….we’re brothers.”

  Anthony nodded and scribbled a note on his clipboard to come back to Jason in a later session. He was beginning to understand now; to Alex his need to be around Jason seemed natural, to others it must seem weird; but to Anthony it was obvious. “Alex….I believes you have a form of Co-dependence with Jason.”

  When Alex stared at him confused Anthony explained. “Co-dependence is a condition where two people coexist to survive. They develop a need for each other; and if that need is altered or threatened it can have disastrous result. Alex…….I want you to think carefully now. I want you to tell me if you’ve ever done anything bad, because someone was trying to take Jason away. Can you do that?”

  Alex didn’t even pause; he just looked down at the floor. “I set a fire.”

  Anthony’s eyes widened, that had not been the answer he had expected. “Can you explain that to me?”

  Alex nodded but did not look up from the floor. “When I…….when I was 12, someone wanted to adopt me. Just me and not Jason. I begged them to adopt Jason too, but they said no. The orphanage we stayed at…..it had a program where the family could take me to their home for a day and see if I liked it. I spent the night there and……and I…….I set one of their rose bushes on fire. I……I……I just…..”

  Alex’s voice trailed off as he hugged his legs to his knees, “why did I do that?”

  Alex looked up at Anthony, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. “I wanted so badly to be adopted….to be……wanted and loved. But…….but I couldn't leave Jason there…..not with……not with the man who ran the place. I couldn't leave him alone with Jason. He would have…..he would have…..hurt Jason.”

  Anthony bit his lip as he watched Alex. He could see the obvious signs of a meltdown starting to show. Alex’s eyes jerked from side to side, his nails dug into the skin on his legs and tears were freely falling down his face; and yet Anthony did nothing to stop it. He could tell Alex needed to say these things, needed to confess and tell someone about what had happened to him. He watched as Alex took a breath that made his entire body shudder. “They sent me home the next day. They called me a monster, a psycho……..I just wanted to stay with Jason.”

  Anthony sighed. He’d become very tired all of a sudden an odd occurrence for him. But he pushed through the mysterious fatigue, “Alex…..you said the man who ran the orphanage would have hurt Jason?”

  Alex nodded. Anthony steeled himself knowing the answer Alex was about to give to his next question, “How would he have hurt Jason?”

  He almost wished he hadn’t asked. He watched as across from him silent tears cascaded down Alex’s face as he began to cry again. His heart broke as Alex buried his head against his knees. “He…..he…..he would have……touched Jason……….like how he touched me.”

  Anthony bit his lip until the pain made him gasp. He’d expected this, he’d dreaded this, in his mind as Alex had spoken he’s prayed for this to not be the case; yet here it was the proof of what Anthony had feared since Leo had told him about Alex and his behavior. “Alex…….”

  His voice shook as he spoke. “Alex I’m going to ask you a very hard question, ok? I want you to take as much time as you need to answer…..but I need you to answer, ok?”

  Alex nodded. Taking a deep breath Anthony forced himself to ask the question he was dreading. “How old were you when the man at the orphanage started touching you?”

  It was heartbreaking to watch Alex’s reaction. The younger turtle began to rock back and forth, his knees against his chest silent tears falling down his face. Anthony swallowed the horrible sour taste in his mouth. He hated himself right now, hated that he was forcing Alex to relive these horrors from his past. To keep his hands from shaking he gripped his pen and notepad; he gripped them so tightly he was amazed they didn’t snap. “10.”

  It took all of Anthony’s restraint and self control to keep him in his chair. He wanted to run, to yell. To slam his head repeatedly against the wall until he forget everything about this day. In front of him Alex stopped crying, a kind of psychological calm passing over him. When he looked up at him Anthony felt his eyes widen.

  Alex’s eyes had changed, they no longer wept or sparkled; they were hollow. As though looking into the eyes of a corps. “The other boys at the orphanage. They told me, told me what the man did to them. How he’d touch them, and hug them, and make them sleep with him. When I saw him looking at Jason, I knew what he was going to do. So…….I stopped him. I made sure he stopped looking at Jason and started looking at me. I made sure he’d never touch Jason, because he was too busy touching me. I…..I……..I kept Jason safe.”

  He spoke those words with conviction; a tone that told Anthony that he truly believed in each syllable; that each word was without debate or doubt. “I made sure to do everything he told me; EVERYTHING. I never wanted him to look at Jason that way. I never…..I never……”

  Alex’s eyes changed again, they became cloudy tears forming in them again as the psychological calm he had experienced wore off. “I never I told Jason…..or anyone. I kept my mouth shut…..and did as I was told……until…….until…….”

  But Alex broke off as he began sobbing again. It was too much. Anthony had, had enough. He could no longer sit here and keep a straight face while in front of him Alex sobbed and cried about what he had been forced to do. Setting down his notebook, Anthony moved to the couch Alex was sitting on. Moving slowly he reached out to touch Alex, to hug him. Only to have the younger turtle lashed out, shoving him away. “Don’t touch me.”

  The statement was so simple…….yet it had such a profound meaning. Anthony watched as Alex pulled himself into a ball hugging his knees against his chest as tears fell from his eyes. Taking a deep breath Anthony spoke, praying his voice didn’t shake. “Alex……..why don't you want me to touch you?”

  He watched as Alex took another shuddering breath, “I don't want……..you to know.”

  Anthony cocked his head. “Know what?”

  Again Alex took another breath. “The things he made me do.”

  Taking his own deep breath Anthony nodded and moved away from Alex; moving back to his seat. As he sat back down he watched as Alex shifted, sitting back up but continuing to shift and fidget. “Alex…..I want you to do something for me, ok?”

  Alex looked up at him, his eyes filled with a mixture of fear and uncertainty. “I want you to tell me about Leo.”

  The change in Alex was instant. His face flushed a faint red color, while his feet began to tap the floor nervously. The feelings of fear seemed to vanish, replaced by a kind of nervous energy that rolled off Alex in waves. “Leo……Leo…….is………kind. He’s…….he cares about me.”

  Something in Alex’s voice made Anthony look at him. “You sound surprised by this.”

  Alex nodded. “I…..I……I tried to sleep with him. The night I showed up on his doorstep. He brought me inside, held me against him until I wasn't cold. He treated by injuries and let me stay the night. He even……..he gave me some of his old clothes to wear.”

  Anthony nodded, all of those things were things Leo would certainly do. “You said you tried to sleep with him. Can you tell me about that?”

  Alex nodded slowly. “Leo walked in on me while I was getting undressed. He…..he freaked out and ran into the wall….”

  Alex let out a kind of nervous laugh. Despite how sick Anthony felt he could not help but smile slightly at the mental image of Leo running into the wall because he walked in on Alex. But he turned his attention back to Alex who was speaking again. “I…..he had been so nice to me. He took me in and gave me a place to stay. I……I wanted to give him something
back. I wanted………”

  Alex was trembling again and it took all of Anthony’s self restraint to remain in his seat and not try to comfort Alex again. “He……he said no. Said……..i wouldn’t have to do that for him. I……I…….”

  Alex looked up at Anthony, his eyes filled with confusion and fear. Anthony could understand Alex’s confusion. “Why……why didn’t he sleep with me?”

  Anthony sighed and shifted in his chair. “Because Leo knows it will only make things worse. He wants to help you Alex. He wants you to get better. Do you understand that?”

  He watched as Alex fidgeted in his seat before nodding slowly. “I know…..I know he wants me to get better……but…………why?”

  Anthony cocked his head as Alex looked up at him. “Why is he doing all this for me? Why didn’t he just…….just fuck me that night and then send me away like everyone else?”

  Anthony sighed. “Because…..Leo understands the pain you’re going through. He knows that if you don't get help you’ll probably self-destruct and end up hurting yourself or others around you.”

  Anthony bit his lip, mostly to prevent himself from saying more. Alex looked down at the floor before speaking. “I dreamt about him……..Leo…….the first night……I….”

  His voice trailed off as he looked up at Anthony. “I……..we kissed…….and he didn’t push me away. He held me….told me………”

  Alex took a shuddering breath. He was starting to feel exhausted, as though he’d been running for ages. “He told me…….I was beautiful. That he would always be there to protect me, no matter what I did. That……he…….he loved me.”

  Alex sniffed and wiped away several tears that were trickling down his face. Anthony sighed, and rubbed his forehead. Things were certainly becoming…….clearer to him. “Alex…..I want you to understand something.”

  Alex looked up and him and sniffed again. “Those kinds of dreams are perfectly normal to have, ok. For the first time in a very long time you met someone who wants to help you without asking for anything in return. This is a big deal; it signifies a potential turning point in your life. Do you understand?”

  Alex nodded. “Yes…..”

  Anthony smiled. “Ok. If it’s alright with you I have something I would like for you to do before out next session.”

  Alex looked up at him and nodded, Anthony smiled reassuringly. “Before you go to bed at night I want you to close your eyes and imagine Leo is hugging you ok? And I want you to hold onto that feeling when you’re going to sleep. Can you do that?”

  Alex nodded. “I know talking about this was hard Alex. Do you want to stay here for a moment so you can calm down before going back to Leo?”

  Alex nodded. “Would you like me to leave, so you can be alone?”

  Again Alex nodded. Anthony smiled and stood up. “Ok. I’ll be just outside. Come out when you’re ready ok?”

  Again Alex nodded and watched as Anthony left the room, closing the door behind him leaving him alone in the office. Taking several deep breaths Alex pulled his legs against his chest. His body felt drained his mind foggy. His emotions were raw and he knew he was in no condition to even try to attempt the homework from his classes when they got back. Closing his eyes Alex rested his forehead against his knees. He wanted to sleep, to just close his eyes and drift away into nothingness, Anthony’s words echoing in his head.

  “Hold onto that feeling when you go to sleep.”

  Silently he nodded to himself. He could do that, not only could he do it, he wanted to do it. Again he wiped his face, making sure it was free of tears before he stood up. Taking one last deep breath he turned and headed for the door.

  LATER

  Leo looked sideways at Alex as he drove back home. The young turtle had not spoken a word since they had left Anthony’s office. In fact the young turtle hadn’t even looked at him since they had left. “Alex……..are you ok?”

  The young turtle did not respond at first. Instead Leo watched as he opened and closed his mouth several times before managing to speak. “I……I…….I want to go to bed. I’m tired.”

  Leo felt his shoulders slump slightly. Something in Alex’s voice told him he had, had a rough first session. Coming to a stop at the light Leo spoke. “Mind if I stop and get us something to eat first?”

  His shoulders slumped further as Alex didn’t speak; only shrugging in response. As the light turned green Leo changed lanes, and after a moment pulled into the drive through of his favorite restaurant. Placing his order Leo glanced at Alex. The young turtle was resting his forehead against the window, his shoulder slumped forward and his eyes closed. “Alex….did you want anything?”

  Alex didn’t speak, instead only shook his head. He didn’t even turn to look at Leo who sighed again. Paying for his food Leo glanced at Alex again before returning back home, pulling into the garage Leo shut off the car and looked at Alex; in time to watch the younger turtle open his door and step out. Leo didn’t move from his seat as he watched Alex circle the car before going inside. Sighing deeply Leo picked up his food and made his way inside. “Alex…….”

  He got no response. Sighing Leo pulled out his cellphone and dialed Anthony’s number. Listening to the phone ring Leo exhaled as Anthony answered.

  “What?”

  Leo frowned, that was not Anthony’s normal response. “Anthony?”

  A moment of silence before, “Leo? Is that you?”

  Leo nodded, forgetting for a moment that Anthony couldn't see him. “Yeah it’s me. Can we talk?”

  Through the phone Leo thought he heard the sound of liquid being poured. “Ok. What about?”

  Leo sighed and rubbed his forehead, Anthony was acting strange. “About Alex?”

  There was a long moment of silence, broken again by the sound of liquid being poured and a faint ‘ching’. “Yeah….yeah I think that would be for the best. Come over to my place.”

  Leo nodded. “Ok.”

  Hanging up the phone Leo glanced down at the food he’d bought, for a moment before turning around; all thoughts of food now gone from his mind. Moving down the hallway Leo stopped in front of Alex’s door. Listening for any sounds Leo found that light snoring came from the other side of the door. Meaning Alex had indeed gone to bed. Sighing, Leo continued to look at the door for a moment before leaving the house and making his way to Anthony’s house; which was a few short blocks away. Coming to a stop Leo shut off the car and made his way to the front door, knocking on it Leo heard Anthony respond. “SS OPEN.”

  Opening the door Leo spoke. “Anthony Are you ok? You sound odd.”

  Moving through the house Leo followed the sounds of the TV into the living room where he froze. He’d known Anthony for almost 10 years now; in fact they’d met when they had been roommates in college. In those 10 years Leo had only ever seen him drink any kind of alcohol on 3 occasions. The first time had been at a wedding they had gone to when they had been dating. The second time had been at a funeral. And the third time had been after Anthony’s father had gotten sick and had been rushed to the hospital.

  So the sight of Anthony hunched over the kitchen bar with a glass of what looked to be scotch clutched in his hand, made Leo pause. “Anthony……are you ok? Did something happen? Is your dad alright?”

  Anthony looked up at him, his eyes filled with emptiness and confusion. After a moment the brainy turtle shrugged. “I’m fine. Thought I’d give alcoholism a try. I’m trying to find out if I can forget this day, if I kill a few million brain cells. Wanna join me?”

  Leo moved forward and moved to take the glass from Anthony, who pulled it back out of his reach before touching it to his lips and draining it until it was completely empty. Leo noted Anthony’s hand shook slightly as he set the glass down on the counter. “Do you know the kind of people I deal with on a regular basis Leo?”

  Leo didn’t respond, he could tell Anthony didn’t want him to. “On any normal day I deal with narcissists, compulsive liars, kleptomaniacs, and so
metime; SOMETIMES if I’m really lucky a sex addicts who hits on me the entire session. You know people who would be fine if they stopped feeling sorry for themselves and actually put some GOD DAMNED FUCKING EFFORT INTO GET BETTER!”

  Anthony shouted those last few words his voice echoing around the kitchen. The sound of Anthony’s raised voice made him flinch. Like Anthony drinking; him yelling was not something Anthony did often. He watched as Anthony shaking reached under the counter and produced a bottle of scotch before pouring more into the glass, slopping a bit onto the counter. After a moment he continued. “But today……today I had to sit in my office with a straight face and listen as a 19 year old boy told me about years of sexual, emotional, physical, and psychological abuse. Today for the first time I serious considered asking a patient to stop talking because I was getting upset by what he was saying.”

  Leo remained silent and watched as Anthony raised his glass to take another drink; his hand and arm shaking so badly that he spilt more of the drink, than he swallowed. Taking a chance Leo moved forward and touched Anthony’s shoulder. “Anthony……..you’re…….you’re scaring me.”

  Anthony looked up at him, his eyes filled with sadness and confusion. “You have no idea the things he’s been through. What he's done to make sure he and his brother; who by the way isn’t really even his brother, could survive.”

  Leo watched as again Anthony moved to take a drink; only to have Leo reach out and take the glass from him. “That’s why I’m here Anthony. I want to know; I want to help him.”

  Anthony fixed him with a glare. “Yeah….sure….help HIM get better.”

  Anthony put a lot of emphasis on the word ‘him’; so much so that Leo raised an eyebrow. “What’s that supposed to mean Anthony? Of course I want to help Alex. He’s my student and a friend, and he needs help.”

  Anthony rolled his eyes and reached out for the glass Leo had taken from him. But Leo pulled it away. When Anthony tried to reach for it again Leo put the glass to his mouth, swallowing the sour liquid and gagging as it burned his mouth and throat. Setting the glass down on the counter Leo groaned as his still empty stomach let out an angry rumble as the booze came to a stop. For a moment Anthony continued to glare at him before speaking. “What am I saying? Well Leo you have to admit……the circumstances are………very similar.”