We take a small golf cart through the forest, making our way through on a small dirt pathway. Nick says we get to keep the golf cart in case we don’t want to walk back to the lobby and restaurant—a whole two miles away. Bria continues to sleep as I take everything in. This may be the prettiest place I’ve ever visited.
The cart stops in front of our private bungalow, which is much larger than I imagined. It’s wooden, with wood louvres as windows, and large glass panels give the lodge a rustic vibe, and neat, white furniture makes up the interior. The pathway from the road to the front door is nestled in the jungle, but when I open the door to my room, I’m greeted with a view of our private beach. I have to keep from jumping up and down with excitement.
As the hotel worker leaves, he sets the golf cart keys on the small table in the entryway and makes his two-mile trek back to the lobby.
Gah. I can’t imagine walking two miles in this heat.
Nick and Bria unload their suitcases in their suite, and I keep the door open to my suite. Suddenly, I’m not very tired anymore, and I wonder if eight a.m. is too early to go lie on the beach.
“Bria’s still asleep,” Nick whispers, as he shuts the door to his room and enters mine.
“This place is amazing.”
“Yeah, we’ve been coming here for years. I know the owner; he used to be a doctor. They host an annual conference in downtown Tulum every year for pediatricians, so I try and book a vacation at the same time.”
I go to sit on my bed carefully, not wanting to disturb the crisp linens.
“When’s the conference?” I know he told me at some point, but I can’t remember.
“Just tomorrow. I’ll be leaving very early in the morning and returning late at night. It’s at one of the hotels in Tulum.”
“Maybe I should be a doctor,” I joke, “if it means I get to go to conferences in paradise once a year.”
“They’re not fun. At all. In fact, I’ll probably be wishing I were with you guys the whole time.”
I shift in my seat, and he walks closer to me.
“Are you hungry?”
“Umm… kind of.”
Nick sits down next to me and opens up one of the information books on my nightstand.
“Just call this number and order whatever you want. They will bring it down to you here, or on the beach.”
“Wow. So essentially, we never have to leave our little slice of heaven?”
“Nope. Not unless you want to go to the restaurant.”
“Not if I can eat here,” I say, gesturing to the white sand and clear water just a few feet away.
*
I’m not ashamed to admit that I take full advantage of the on-demand food delivery service. It’s not even ten a.m., and I’ve eaten a full breakfast and consumed two cocktails, all while lounging on our private beach. Nick and Bria are asleep.
I try to forget everything as I sip on my second mojito. The sun is beating down on me, and I push my sunglasses up the bridge of my nose. I’ve already gotten some color—I’ve propped myself up on the wooden lounger, and my knees are bent in front of me. I was wearing shorts and a tank top, but the sun was too hot. Now I’m in my turquoise bikini. I’m so glad I brought a few different options as far as bathing suits go. This is all I plan on doing this whole trip, so I need some variety. The waves crash a few feet from where I’m lying, and the palm trees are swaying calmly. The sky is bright blue, and the crystal-clear water is looking mighty tempting.
This is hurricane weather? Please.
“Evi!”
I hear Bria squeal from somewhere behind me. I turn around and Bria is running towards me with some sand toys and some floaters for her arms. She’s wearing a bathing suit, too, and I flick my eyes up to Nick.
Holy shit.
He’s shirtless, and… damn.
I avert my eyes.
How is someone like that a dad?
“Hey,” I say, just as Bria runs past me and into the water. “Be careful!” I shout reflexively. But she’s already splashing around. At least I can keep an eye on her from my seat.
“Enjoying yourself?” Nick asks, bringing a lounger next to mine and lying down.
I have to keep my eyes forward to keep from staring. But wow.
“Oh, yes,” I laugh, holding up my drink.
“I should start a drink tab just for you,” he jokes, pulling out a beer from the bag he brought with him. “I can deduct the expenses from your next paycheck.”
“Ha ha,” I say, sipping my cocktail.
Bria giggles hysterically, running into the waves and back towards us when they crash. I smile. She looks so happy. As I glance sideways very slyly, I realize that Nick looks happy, too. He looks peaceful.
“Thank you for inviting me,” I say. “It was really nice of you.”
“No problem. I mean... I needed someone to watch Bria tomorrow. I wasn’t going to fly you in for a day.”
I sit there quietly, watching Bria. I don’t respond. I’m mulling something over in my head, and the streak of courage from the plane has not subsided. I suppose being in paradise with him is making me more daring.
“How did you know that Pride and Prejudice was my favorite book?” I ask, and he looks over at me. He cocks his head, confused. “Your costume,” I add. A look of understanding hits him.
“Oh. Umm… it was Isabel’s favorite book,” he says slowly, and I try not to physically deflate, but I slump a little, frowning.
“Oh.”
He wasn’t dressing as Mr. Darcy for me.
He was dressing as Mr. Darcy for Isabel.
Suddenly, everything comes into focus. I’m sitting here next to Nick, in the place he used to vacation with Isabel. I kissed Nick, because I thought he wore the costume for me, but really, it was for Isabel.
I will always be competing with Isabel.
Is this what I want?
No.
It’s not.
Thirty-three.
Evianna
The next morning, I wake up early. I know Nick is going to be leaving soon. I hop in the shower quickly and change into my bathing suit, jean shorts, and a simple white tank top. I don’t have the energy to do my hair or put on makeup—it’ll just melt anyways—so I just swipe on some sunscreen.
I gather my keys and my phone and throw them into a tote bag with my towel, and after sitting around for a few minutes to kill time, I knock on Nick’s door. No one answers. I try one more time, and then I slowly open the door.
Nick and Bria are still asleep, and Nick has his arms around her in the giant bed. I watch them for a few seconds.
I walk over and nudge Nick. I know he has to leave soon, and he probably overslept.
“Nick,” I murmur, poking him from two feet away. I’m trying to be as platonic as possible. “Psst! Nick!” I whisper.
His eyes flutter open, and when he sees me, they crinkle into a smile.
Well, at least I know how he really feels about me.
It won’t make the next few days any easier, though.
Suddenly, realization hits him, and he turns over frantically, glaring at the alarm clock.
“Fuck!” he whispers, shooting out of bed. “Damn alarm didn’t go off,” he hisses, and he runs into the bathroom. I sit on the bed and turn the TV on. I decide to let Bria sleep.
When he’s finished showering, he runs into the closet and changes, and I try to avert my eyes, but I can’t. His back is to me, and he has pants on but no shirt.
I wonder what it would feel like to run my hands over that back.
I shiver and concentrate on the morning news report.
“I’ll be back really late tonight,” he says to me, tugging on a white button-up shirt. “Charge everything to the room, and call me if you need anything. I’ll be on email, too.”
He grabs his computer bag and walks over to where Bria is sleeping. I realize the cinnamon smell is very prominent now that he’s freshly showered.
It doesn’t help.
“Have a lovely day, Evianna.”
His smile slays me. Once he’s gone, I let out a giant sigh and collapse onto the bed.
*
Bria sleeps until nine. We have breakfast delivered to the beach, and I spend the majority of the morning playing in the sand with her and applying ample amounts of sunscreen to us both. For lunch, I decide that we should go to the restaurant, so I grab the golf cart keys, and we head out. It’s gotten so hot, and I need a reprieve from the blistering sun.
I let Bria order whatever she wants, and we talk about her favorite TV show, and how the protagonist is Mexican, and how Bria wonders if she’s from Tulum.
After we get back to the room after lunch, I’m exhausted, so I turn on a movie for Bria, and I go to my laptop to email Violet and my mother. My heart races as I see an email from Nick. It’s from a few minutes ago. He must be bored at his conference. His subject line makes me smile.
From: “Nicholas Wilder”
To: “Evi Halle”
Date: November 9, 2014 02:04 p.m. PST
Subject: Bored and wondering what you’re up to.
Evi,
I’m sitting here at a (very important) conference and all I can think about is how much I want to be sitting in a lounge chair with you guys, drinking a beer.
How’s the day going? How many drinks have you had while watching my daughter?;)
She’s probably taking a nap right now, so feel free to email me back.
Nick
P.S. Some of the other doctors are taking me out for drinks later. FYI, if I’m later than ten or eleven. Don’t worry about me.
From: “Evi Halle”
To: “Nicholas Wilder”
Date: November 9, 2014 02:11 p.m. PST
Subject: RE: Bored and wondering what you’re up to.
Nick,
Aren’t there important doctorly seminars and conferences that you need to be paying attention to?:)
I’ve only had two… so far. But I might have a few more after Bria goes to sleep.
When in Mexico.
Looking forward to seeing you tonight.
Evi
He writes back almost instantly. He must really be bored.
From: “Nicholas Wilder”
To: “Evi Halle”
Date: November 9, 2014 02:14 p.m. PST
Subject:Hi
Evianna,
The fact that you might be drunk later too somehow makes me really excited.
Looking forward to seeing you and Bria…
Your employer,
Nick
From: “Evi Halle”
To: “Nicholas Wilder”
Date: November 9, 2014 02:16 p.m. PST
Subject: RE:Hi
Get back to your doctorly duties, Mr. Wilder.
Your employee,
Evianna
He doesn’t respond.
That doesn’t stop me from checking my email every hour for the rest of the day.
*
Bria and I take a walk along the beach before dinner, and afterwards, I order in a salad and some fish, all of which Bria gobbles up. She’s the world’s least picky five-year-old. As I’m giving her a bath, she stops playing suddenly and looks up at me seriously.
“Are you going to stop being my nanny ever, Evi?”
I sit back and think about her question.
“One day, maybe. Not anytime soon though.”
“Evi?”
“Yeah?”
“I’d be really thad if you weren’t my nanny anymore.”
“I know, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere.”
*
Once Bria is asleep, I check my email, but still nothing from Nick. It’s eight, and I have two hours until he’s home. I watch some movies, I take a relaxing bath, and then I drink a glass of wine on the porch and think about how I’m going to get through eight more days with Nick.
Just past eleven, I hear a thud on the other side of the door. Confused, I look in the peephole, and Nick is slumped against the door, looking at his phone.
What the hell?
I pull it open, and he falls into the room, laughing.
Oh my god.
Nick Wilder is drunk. So drunk.
“Nick!” I hiss, picking him up and helping him into a standing position. “Shh! Bria is asleep.”
He holds onto me as he sways into the room, closing the door quietly behind him and holding up a finger dramatically, mimicking me.
“I only planned on having one,” he explains, slurring his words. “But the drinks here are really delicious, so I had five more.”
“Go into my room. I don’t want Bria to see you like this.”
He nods and goes to the door, pausing and turning around.
“How is she?” he asks, and he looks briefly at the bed.
“Fine. We had a fun day. I took us to lunch at the restaurant with the golf cart, we watched a movie, played on the beach, took a walk, and then I gave her a bath and she fell asleep when I was reading her a book.”
His eyes glaze over a bit, and he looks at me with wonderment.
“You are amazing, Evi.”
I shoo him into my room and close the door quietly.
“You can sleep in here. I’ll sleep with Bria tonight. I’ll just tell her that you came home late and didn’t want to wake her.”
“Okay,” he acquiesces, and he goes to pour himself a glass of wine. I raise my eyebrows. “Don’t judge me,” he adds, sipping the ruby-colored liquid. “It was a looooong day. I deserved a drink. Plus I knew I’d be coming home to…” He trails off, but his eyes scan my body candidly.
I balk at him, watching him as he stares down at his feet. He kicks off his shoes unsteadily, clutching the dresser for support.
“So you decided to get drunk?” I accuse, but I’m really just entertained.
“Yes. Easy solution.”
“Okay, then.”
I cross my arms and stare at him. He’s still looking down at his feet.
“I miss her, Evi.”
I feel my heart start to ache, and I go over to him and hug him.
“I know. I know you do. It’s okay to miss her.”
He looks up at me tenderly, and a thin sheen of sweat is accumulating on his forehead.
“But I don’t miss her like I used to. It used to hurt so much, Evi... you have no idea. Every single second ached without her. Now it’s a distant ache, and it comes and goes, but mostly, it’s gone. All of my best memories used to involve her. Now they’re fading, and new memories are being made with…” He slurs, stopping mid-speech, and I catch him before he falls over. “My memories of her are being replaced with memories of you.”
I don’t know what to say to that, so I just take his glass of wine and start to sip. He looks at me, amused.
“I’ll never replace her, Nick. But I hope I can bring something positive to the table. I hope I can make you guys happy again…”
“You already have,” he says, brushing my cheek with his fingers.
“As Bria’s nanny,” I add. I don’t want to have this conversation with him right now. He’s drunk.
“It’s a good thing you’re sober, Evianna. I have no inhibitions right now. Wait,” he stops and points an accusatory finger at me. “You were supposed to be drunk.”
I laugh and shrug. “Maybe I’ve been drinking so much during the day that my tolerance is getting better.”
“Maybe,” he says through his hands. Then he looks up at me through his fingers. “Jesus, Evi. What are you doing to me?”
“Whatever it is, you’re doing it to me, too,” I say, looking away. It’s not like he’ll remember this tomorrow anyways.
He slowly walks to my bed and crawls in, even though he’s wearing
all of his clothes. I walk over and get him to drink a glass of water, and then I refill it and set out some Advil for the morning.
“Good night, Nick,” I whisper, brushing his hair away from his forehead. It’s slightly wet from perspiring.
“Night, Evi,” he murmurs.
Before I know it, he’s asleep.
Thirty-four.
Nick
I don’t think I’ve ever felt like such shit. Luckily, Evianna took Bria to breakfast and then the beach this morning, so I was able to sleep in. Evianna left me a bottle of Advil and a large bottle of water on the nightstand. I take two Advil and drink down half the bottle, and then I stand to shower.
Yesterday is fuzzy. I vaguely remember the conference, coming home… I might’ve said something inappropriate. It’s getting harder to hide my feelings. I try not to think about it too much, and I turn the shower temperature down to bring my excited body back to reality.
I go to my computer to check my email—it’s dead—so I go over to Evianna’s room and open her laptop quickly. I’ve used it before. I’m sure she won’t mind.
Her email pops up automatically, and new messages filter through. I try not to look—I want to give her some privacy—but one of them catches my eye.
RE: Your application to our Seoul, South Korea program
And Then You Page 17