“Let me,” I urge, pushing past Nick and running after Bria. I hear Nick following me.
“Bria!” I scream, running through the sand, and I catch up with her twenty feet away. I fall down into the sand beside her and pull her into a hug. “I’m sorry,” I whisper into her ear. Nick stands about five feet away.
“Why were you kithing my daddy? You’re not my mommy.”
“Bria, it’s hard to explain.”
“Tell me,” she says, whimpering.
“Okay…” I look up at Nick, but he’s just pacing nervously. “Your daddy and I…” I don’t even know what to say. That’s the awful thing. How do you tell a barely five-year-old that you’re going to start dating their father? Especially when you started as their caregiver? “Your daddy and I are dating, Bria. Do you remember when Belle and the Beast did all of those nice things together?”
She nods, and I see tears start to pour down her face.
“But… what about Mommy?” she wails, and my heart breaks. I motion for Nick, but he just stands there, terrified. I’m sure he has no idea what to say in this situation, either. Both of us were clearly in over our heads about telling her. She backs away from me. “Will you thtill be my nanny?” she sobs, and I nod my head yes.
“But in a different way. I’m going to be… less of a nanny, and more a part of your family. Is that okay with you?”
“Are you going to replace mommy?”
I lean forward and look at her in the eyes.
“No. Never. No one can ever replace your mommy.”
“Good. I don’t want you to,” she says, and runs towards Nick. “I don’t want Evi to replace Mommy,” she wails, and Nick scoops her up.
I wipe away the tears that have spilled from my eyes, and I clutch my heart.
Ouch.
“Let’s go inside,” Nick says, hushing Bria as she cries into his shirt. He gives me one last glance, and he shakes his head curtly.
No.
That’s what the gesture says.
This can never happen now.
I follow behind them, feeling like the world’s biggest asshole, even though I know it’s no one’s fault. I go into my bedroom and lock the connecting door.
Bria doesn’t want Nick to be with me, and I know we’re both going to respect her opinion, even if it means walking away from each other.
I proceed to fall down into my bed and cry into my pillow until I fall asleep.
Thirty-eight.
Nick
Mexico makes me stupid.
That’s what I tell myself as we board the plane back to Seattle. Don’t get me wrong. I definitely don’t regret doing anything I did with Evi. If anything, last night solidified my feelings for her, so much so, that I’ve come to realize a few things.
She can’t continue to be Bria’s nanny. I know that fact alone will devastate Bria.
And she can’t be my girlfriend yet. Bria still needs time to get used to the idea.
We’ve gotten ourselves into quite the predicament. My feelings for her overshadowed common sense, and we should’ve just said good night and called it a night. We could’ve introduced Bria to the idea slowly, over the course of a few weeks. That’s what we should’ve done. Instead, I’m left with a daughter who constantly asks questions about Evi and I, and as far as I can tell, she does not want Evi to stop being her nanny, ever.
Obviously, there’s an easy solution, but asking Evi to become a stepmother is overstepping. We’ve only gone on one date so far, and that would be months… years… into the future. As much as I’ve thought about it, she’s still so young. There’s still so much of the world that she needs to see. By dating me, she would essentially be inheriting a child, and that’s heavy for a twenty-five-year-old.
Regardless of how great last night was for me—it was pretty damn great—I have a daughter who doesn’t seem to be okay with how things are progressing.
Children who lose parents have a lot of abandonment issues, and had I met Evi in a normal way, I think Bria would be more accepting of our situation. Bria feels as if we start dating, she will lose Evi. It actually has nothing to do with me.
I think we have to wait it out and stay friends for the time being. Bria is my first priority, and she’s all I have left.
It’s not permanent. Bria will come around. I know she will.
I look over at Evi, and she’s pulled her knees into her chest, withdrawing from me. Her eyes are bloodshot, and the idea that I’ve caused her pain breaks my heart.
She’s so good, so happy. And I broke her. All I had to do was wait, but I didn’t, couldn’t, and we ruined it.
“You okay?” I whisper as Bria dozes on my shoulder. She nods but doesn’t look at me.
I know she’s not okay.
I know she’s insecure about our relationship. She alluded to Isabel a few times on our date, and I think she feels like she has to compete.
But that’s the thing. There’s no competition. I love Evianna.
I love her.
It’s the first time I’ve admitted it to myself.
I want this to work out. I really do.
I just hope I don’t break her. I know she’s fragile.
“I’m going to the bathroom,” I say a few minutes later as the seatbelt signal disappears.
“Okay,” she mumbles, not looking at me.
“Evianna…” I whisper. “I’m going to the bathroom,” I say, nudging my neck to the back of the plane.
I stand up and walk back, hoping she gets the hint.
Thirty-nine.
Evianna
I stare at Nick’s backside as he walks back towards the bathrooms.
Did he really just ask me to meet him in an airplane bathroom?
I nudge Bria and whisper into her ear.
“I have to go to the bathroom, Bria,” I say, but she’s fast asleep. I hear her grunt something incomprehensible, and when I stand up, she slumps over and lays her head in the next seat over. I feel bad leaving her, so I ask the flight attendant to keep an eye on her while I make my way to the back of the plane.
As I walk back, I think about what I’m going to say to Nick. I’d been so afraid of competing with Isabel, that I never stopped to think that there could only really be one woman in Nick’s life: Bria. He has to focus on her. He has to put her first, and I definitely won’t blame him for that when he inevitably does. She’s gone through enough, losing Isabel and Matthias. Though it hurts to admit, my very own words to her last night were exactly what I needed to hear.
No one can ever replace your mommy.
I was stupid to think that this could all work out so easily. Nothing was easy. Nothing this good was ever easy. Right?
I knock on the only bathroom in the back of the plane, and I look around. No one is watching. I hope. I hear Nick unlock the door, and then he’s pulling me into the bathroom with him.
If I wasn’t so confused, that would’ve been so hot.
“Nicholas Wilder,” I say slowly as he locks the door behind me. I’m pressed up against him. “I’m not some cheap whore you can fuck in an airplane bathroom, you know,” I say as he stares at me intently. I feel my mouth go dry, and my body slackens against the door. Being in such close proximity to him is so distracting.
“Evianna Halle… you have a dirty mind,” he says, smiling. “But don’t worry, I only pulled you in here to talk. Even I am above joining the mile-high club.”
I cross my arms and look at him.
“Go ahead,” I say, feigning exasperation. Really though, my heart is racing, and being pressed up against him is not helping with the dirty thoughts running through my head.
“I think we should take a few days to regroup,” he says, and he looks down. “For the time being, it’s best if we’re friends—employer, employee, that sort of thing. Let’s just let everything blow over, and we’ll figure out how to go from there.”
“Okay,” I say simply. He watches me, confused.
“That’s it?”
He looks at me skeptically.
“I’m sorry. This should be easy. We should be going on dates, kissing, and fucking in airplane bathrooms, and we shouldn’t be afraid to fall in love. But I have a daughter, a daughter who is still very affected and fragile from her mother’s death. I come with baggage—a lot of it. I hope… I hope that’s okay with you.”
I look at him just as he lifts his head, and I see the sadness behind his eyes. He’s right, though. He does come with a lot of baggage. It was all fun and games until I fell for him, and now we have to be responsible adults for the sake of Bria. We can’t just date like normal people. So much more is at stake. It’s so much heavier than a normal relationship. Am I ready for that? Am I ready to possibly be a stepmother? I honestly don’t know. I haven’t thought much past the first date, past the first kiss, the first everything… relationships are hard work, and unfortunately, we don’t have the luxury of dating casually. It’s all or nothing with him.
“Nick, I honestly don’t know. I like you. In fact, I think I’m falling in love with you. But you’re right. I need to think about everything.” He nods his head and looks down. “And Nick?” He looks up and meets my eye. “You are enough. I hope you know that. I’d be lucky to have you. You are so very enough. Do you understand? It’s unbelievable how enough you are.”
“You can still go to South Korea,” he jokes, lifting an arm above his head. “Might be more interesting than playing house with me.”
Ah. I see where he’s going with this.
“Seeing the Eiffel Tower would be exciting,” I say, feigning intrigue. “The Great Wall of China… the Taj Mahal…” He nods along with me solemnly. “But as exciting as those places are, I’d bet they’re not even half as exciting as how I feel around you… how you touch me… how you kiss me… how you look at me. Anyone can experience a monumental thing. Anyone can buy tickets to hike the Inca Trail, or swim in the Great Barrier Reef. And yes, I do want to do all of those things one day. But I want to do them with you. None of those things would mean anything if you weren’t by my side. Nothing matters unless you experience it with another person.”
“You’re wise for twenty-five, Evianna,” he breathes.
“Yeah, well, it’s funny how love seems to make everything else seem inconsequential.”
“I love you too, by the way,” he says tenderly. “I don’t know when it happened, but it did.”
Fuck.
“I know we said we’re waiting a few days to think everything over, but it’s going to be really hard not to kiss you…” I look up at him through my eyelashes. His pupils darken. “Truth or dare,” I whisper.
I can feel my palms sweating and my hands trembling.
“Dare,” he says, his voice tinted with confidence.
“I dare you to take your shirt off,” I say simply. He balks at me.
“Evianna, I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you.”
“Mr. Wilder, with all due respect, you brought me into an airplane bathroom and told me you loved me. I need a moment to lose control. Okay?”
He stops to consider my proposition. I hope he continues to play. I said it as a joke, but now I actually want to see him take his shirt off.
“Okay.” He acquiesces. He grips the hem of his shirt and pulls it over his head. I have to sit down, but there’s nowhere to sit other than the toilet, and there’s no way I’m sitting there. The view is just too good. “My turn,” he growls, pushing me against the door. I let out a small moan. “Truth or dare?”
“Dare,” I say immediately, liking where this game is going.
“I dare you to turn around, facing away from me.”
“What?” I say, slightly amused and definitely turned on. “Nick…”
“I’m not going to fuck you, Evi, if that’s what you’re thinking. I told you, when the time comes, I want to do it properly. Right now, I just want to forget that I have responsibilities and obligations and reasons for not doing what I’m about to do.”
I suck in a large mouthful of air at his words, and I do as he says, standing up and turning away from him. I rest my arms against the door of the bathroom, and I feel him press himself against my back.
“You are unraveling me inch by inch, Evianna Halle,” he whispers into my ear. “You consume me, body and soul, and I want you to know that I’m sorry I can’t do this,” he says, kissing my neck softly. I audibly groan. Again. “I’m sorry I can’t do this,” he says, bringing his arms around me and pulling me into him tightly and kissing my jaw. “I want to do these things, but we have to wait. I just wanted you to know how very much I want these things… how much I want everything… with you.”
“Nick…” I whisper, overcome with emotion. “Kiss me here,” I say, touching my lips softly.
“I’m not going to kiss you there,” he says, pulling away. I whimper.
“Why not?”
He throws his shirt back on and unlocks the bathroom door.
“Because I wouldn’t be able to stop,” he says simply, and then he brushes past me. In a second, he’s gone, and I’m left panting in an airplane bathroom.
I close the door again and lock it. I pull the toilet seat top down and sit, because my knees have given out, and I need a few minutes to compose myself before exiting the bathroom. I fan myself with a barf bag.
My life is so glamorous.
I stand and splash my face with cold water. I stare at my reflection. My skin is bronzed and sun kissed, and my eyes are extra green right now. I haven’t brushed my hair in probably two days, but instead of being ratty, it’s wavy and thick because of the ocean water. My lips are red from the sun.
Am I ready for this?
Am I ready to dive head first into a serious relationship?
The real question is… am I ready to possibly live my life without Nick in it?
Absolutely fucking not.
Forty.
Nick
It’s been three days since I’ve seen Evi. I can’t stop thinking about her. When we agreed on a break, some time to mull things over, I never imagined how miserable I’d be. I’m back to work, and Cecelia is watching Bria for a few days while Evi takes some personal time. I never knew how different our lives were without her—how much darker my days seem. I make breakfast for two, but Cecelia doesn’t exactly fill the same spot in my heart that Evi does.
And weirdly, neither does Isabel.
I went to a grief counselor for a couple months immediately following the accident, and he told me that when it came time to move on, I’d surprise myself, because it would never feel like Evi was replacing Isabel. She’d fill a new role, and she’d have her own place in my heart. I never thought he’d be right. At the time, I was in denial that I’d ever find love after Isabel, something he pressed upon me. “Loving someone else is the only way to truly move on, no matter how long it takes you.”
Now I see what he was talking about.
Her mind, her beauty, the sparkle in her eyes have captivated me, the way she can make Bria smile with just a look, the way she touches me…
Evi is so important to me. I can’t visualize my life without her. When I think thoughts like that, I feel incredibly lucky to have loved such wonderful women. Though one of them is gone, I’ll never stop loving her.
And I don’t ever plan on losing Evi like I lost Isabel.
Not if I can help it.
Forty-one.
Evianna
I knew I loved him when “home” went from being a place to a person. Suddenly, I don’t feel comfortable in my own house—the house I grew up in. My home is Nick, and he’s not here, therefore I’m uncomfortable.
I spend my days in complete and utter idleness. I’m overwhelmed by the events in Mexico, and my parents think I’m home because I have time off. But the trut
h is, I just need to shut my mind off for a few days and watch reruns of Sex and the City. I don’t even think I leave my room except to eat and shower.
And the truth is… I know this is something I really need to think about. I’m hoping that between episodes and between my meals consisting of Top Ramen, enlightenment will come, the answer will worm its way into my brain, and all will be better.
But it doesn’t work like that. Not when it comes to matters of the heart.
I make a pros and cons list. It’s unfairly obvious what the answer is, but still. I know in my heart what my decision is, and it’s not because I always choose the happily ever afters—though I do wonder for a day or two if that’s the only reason. No, I know I’ll choose to go all-in with Nick because of the way he makes me feel.
His gentle touch, his loving glances, his tender words, his caring nature… I know I’m in love with him for all the right reasons. My heart speeds up when I see him, sure, but my heart also fills wish so much joy, so much love when he’s happy. I like to look at him, but I love talking to him. I like it when he comes home in suits and talks about work, but I love it when his guard falls down, and he talks to me like any normal thirty-two-year-old would talk to me.
Violet comes over on my third day off, and though I try not to weigh her down with my issues, I can’t help but feel so confused.
There’s no guidebook for this kind of thing.
“I think you should waltz over there right now and tell him everything you just told me,” she says, pouring the white wine into plastic cups. We’re seated on my bed at my parents’ house. “Easy peasy.”
“Except it’s not easy peasy, Vi. If we agree to do this, I can’t be Bria’s nanny. It’ll be too confusing for her. And it’ll put so much pressure on me—think about it. If he’s dating the nanny, there is no professionalism. It’ll confuse Bria. And if it doesn’t work out, she’ll lose me both as a nanny and as her father’s girlfriend.”
And Then You Page 20