“Nowhere.” He gives her a look that clearly states he doesn’t believe her and she gives in. “I talked to Tommy. He said Tanya was hung up on you and only settled for him. She wasn’t one to settle, Carter, so why did you break it off with her?”
A small sputter of a laugh makes its way out of his mouth and he nods to his car. “Get in. I’ll give you a lift.”
She stands there as he climbs in and wrestles with what West will think. Deciding she’ll just shoot him a message, she climbs into Carter’s vehicle.
“I didn’t break it off with her. She dumped me.”
“She did?”
“Look, Jules. Tanya and I were one-hundred percent total attraction from the moment we met. Neither one of us considered the crap between our schools before we jumped into things. It shouldn’t matter, right? What school you go to, like we’re in some East Coast-West Coast rapper war. It’s pathetic.”
Thinking about the crap she and her friends have had to endure since school started, Jules is in complete agreement.
“You don’t need all the details, you just need to know that we spent every night for two weeks together and most of the days, before she pulled the plug.”
“Why, though? Tommy says she really liked you.”
“She did. I liked her too, and we struggled with it. I was pissed at her for it. Gave her a lot of shit in the first few weeks.”
“I still don’t understand why, though.”
“It was the rivalry. She said your squad would crucify her. She thought you and Katie would be pissed, and that-”
“Wait, wait, wait!” She runs her hands through her hair and presses her palms to either side of her head, trying to wrap her brain around everything.
“You’re saying she blamed us? Me and Katie?”
“She didn’t blame you; she was worried what you’d think. What all of the girls would think. She worried about other’s opinions; you know that.”
Jules broke into maniacal laughter. “Tanya was never worried about other people’s opinions. She always did whatever the hell she wanted.”
“Maybe you just thought she did. She looked up to you and Katie, Jules. She told me how strong you both were, how you were always so nice and sweet and how Katie could always be counted on for great advice. She said she rode your coattails.”
The sentiment brings hot tears to her eyes. She clutches at her stomach as it drops; making her feel sick.
“She loved you two. You were like sisters to her. It pissed me off at the time, but I get it now. I saw you two at her funeral.”
Jules looks up to see that they’re parked in a grocery store parking lot not far from campus, and she wants to throw open the door and puke all over the black asphalt.
“I never would have told her to dump you. If I’d known…I,” she breaks. Her heart can’t handle this new, heavier burden lying upon it. “I never would have…”
Carter’s hand touches her shoulder as she folds in half and cries into her hands.
“What happened the night of the storm? Why were you even fighting with Tommy?”
“I was a prick. I don’t know; I gave her a hard time about picking him. All I knew about Tommy was that we played against each other for years. He’s not a bad guy, I guess, but I was jealous. Mad that she moved on with him instead of staying with me. It was stupid.”
“In the end, she hated me.” His voice is muted and filled with regret she knows all too well. She shakes her head and swipes at her wet cheeks.
“Tommy said he knew she wasn’t over you. I don’t think she hated you at all.” She recalls her conversation with Tanya and Katie that night on the way to the Ice Shack. Tanya had been talking to Katie about actually trying to have a real relationship with someone. She was apparently thinking of having a serious relationship; whether it was with Tommy or Carter, she truly had no idea.
Carter puffs his cheeks out and purses his lips as his fingers press to his forehead and rub over his eyebrow thoughtfully. “I called her a slut,” he admits. Jules closes her eyes slowly. She bites her lip and turns away as Carter makes his confession. “She smart mouthed me when I asked her how she could choose Tommy over me. I think my exact words after that were, ‘I should have known not to expect more from a slut like you’.”
He slams his palm into the steering column and Jules jumps at the explosion of anger. Growling, he mutters and leans against the wheel. “Go…Jes…fff, ugh.” The slew of half-curse words slip from his lips. “I can’t forgive myself for that. I called her a slut, Tommy attacked me immediately and then the damn sirens went off. By the time it registered with us what was happening, everything was chaos. We all ran, and then…” His voice trails off and Jules takes a shaky breath.
Hanging on every word, she waits. Her arms are wrapped around her chest and her fingers dig into her upper arms as she tries to hold herself together. Fear of falling apart, literally cracking at the seams, takes over as she envisions those last moments.
“She was just gone. One minute we were going the same way, running for refuge…the next I was alone. I threw myself into a ditch with so many other students and watched as the twister passed by us. I don’t know what happened.”
She can’t speak. She doesn’t know what to think anymore, but before she can form words, someone taps on the glass next to her head.
Opening her eyes, she sees West standing there. His face is somber and there’s a soft smile on his lips. She holds a finger up to him and turns back to Carter.
“You…?”
“I shot him a message when you broke down on me the first time.”
School’s out already? She looks around for the time. She didn’t realize how long they’d been sitting there. She reaches for the door but Carter’s voice stops her.
“Hey, I understand if you hate me now.”
“Hate you? For what, being an idiot? You’re not the first person to resort to name calling when you’re hurt. I don’t hate you, Carter.” She pops the lock and West beats her to the door handle; pulling it open without a word. When she’s halfway out of the car, she turns back to Carter.
“She wouldn’t have hated you, either. You didn’t know her like I did. She was great at flinging insults when she was pissed. She was also smart about it, too. She knew better than to think those words ever actually had meaning.”
“It reminds me of you and Aubrey,” he points out.
She takes the pointed comment to heart. “You’re right. For a couple of almost-eighteen-year olds, we’re all just third graders at heart, huh?”
He smiles sadly and she thanks him for sharing his story. Carter flashes a wave to West as he helps Jules from the car. He shuts the door behind her and pulls her into his arms as Carter drives off.
Fifteen
“You okay?” West asks. His hands work over her hair and back; pressing her face to his chest and comforting her the way only he knows how. Jules hums a small ‘Mmmhmmm’ as she stands in the circle of his arms.
“Babe?”
“I’m fine, West. I needed to get some closure.”
“Closure?” His warm lips linger on the top of her head before he peels her away. “C’mon.”
They climb into his Jeep. The sun is a brilliant blue with no clouds in sight. The top of the Jeep is off so they can take full advantage of the beautiful early fall weather. They ride through town in silence. His eyes flick towards her several times; his face thoughtful but not speaking. They pull into South Berry Farm and Jules smiles. They haven’t been by here in a few weeks and she’s missed it. West produces a blanket from the back and they walk into the dying crops silently.
“They’ll be clearing the field soon, won’t they?”
“Yeah.”
His answer is short. He seems distant somehow, not angry but irritated by something. He spreads the blanket out in a small path and sinks down to lie on his back. He bends his arm behind his head and squints up into the sun as he looks at Jules standing over him. Lying there stretched ou
t before her, he’s a teenage girl’s paragon of the perfect male specimen. His casual tee lifts up enough to reveal a peek at his hard torso; his dark jeans hanging low on his hips, the band of his boxers teasing her eyes. With his arm spread out next to him like it’s waiting to hold her, it tells you he’s a romantic. While the reckless black hair, the leather bands he wears on his wrist and his scuffed up biker boots warn you he’s still a bit of a rebel. His gaze makes her weak in the knees, and she kneels down beside him and curls up against his side; releasing a long breath as his arm wraps around her.
Jules rests her hand on his smooth stomach; her pinky and ring finger skimming his warm skin. Her palm itches to move lower, to creep up his shirt and touch him fully. His spicy scent fills her head and makes her body tingle and come to life. Every time they are near, he tempts her. Kissing has become less and less fulfilling to her as her acute need for him ratchets up a notch. Over the past few weeks, she’s realized she and Stuart lacked this passion. Two years with him and he never made her feel this way. Lust is one thing; this is need.
“You’ve been lying to me.”
Jules freezes.
“You said you were fine. You told me the nightmares were gone. You lied.”
She closes her eyes and bites her lip at his accusation.
* * *
“One moment I’m lying in his arms, contemplating how much I want him, and the next I’m drowning. Seriously, my breath just stopped at his disgruntled observation.” Her hands rub together; just the memory making her nerves twitchy.
“I thought I’d perfected my acting skills over those few weeks. At school I was a model student. I answered questions, took notes, aced tests. I walked through the halls smiling at everyone, holding my head high when I passed Aubrey and her minions or a few of the girls who seemed to covet my boyfriend.
“However, as I said, I was perfecting my acting skills. Because no matter how hard I tried to pretend things were normal, they weren’t. My dreams weren’t letting up and the guilt festered and tore at my soul.
“West would ask me how I was, and — he’s right — I would lie to him.”
She looks down at her lap and keeps her eyes hooded as she peeks up at the camera. “My parents would try to talk to me about things and I would lie. Katie, Carter and even Jess would say something about Tanya or the twister and I would just nod and smile, give my two cents, but never let them know how much it still hurt.
“Apparently, West wasn’t fooled.”
* * *
Jules falters. ”No. I haven’t-”
“Don’t play me like I’m stupid,” West cautions; dropping his arm from her back. “You left school with Carter ‘to find closure’, without telling me.”
He makes air quotes around ‘to find closure’ and she sits up; resentment flaring to life within her. “So I’m supposed to tell you my every move?”
West scoffs at her misplaced ire. “Knock off the hurt look, babe. I’m not a hunter who killed your mother. I thought we were supposed to be honest with each other.”
She shakes her head at his ‘Bambi’ reference and he sits up and rises to his feet. She follows him, thoroughly confused at his anger.
“Why are you mad at me?”
Again, he scoffs. “I’m not mad at you. I’m hurt, I’m lost, I’m sad and I’m worried about you…but I’m not mad at you.”
“I don’t…I just wanted to talk to him about Tanya.”
“You think I don’t understand that? I know you feel guilty, babe. Have you still been having nightmares?”
She tries to deny it but he’s too perceptive. Somehow he knows her face as well as she does, and he spots her tell before she can cover it.
“Why? Why do you keep it all to yourself? I’m here for you.”
“It’s not your guilt to be bothered with,” she admits her feelings freely now.
West spins on her, his nostrils flare and his chest puffs up in anger. “Not my guilt? I shouldn't be bothered?" he repeats. "What the hell is that? Are you done with me now, cheerleader? Are we over?”
“What! No!” she shouts back, matching his angry tone word for word.
“Don’t you dare tell me not to be bothered with your feelings. You're not pushing me away like that.”
“Oh my God.” She throws her hands in the air, exasperated. “I’m not trying to push you away.”
“No?” he drawls.
“No!”
“Then let me in,” he prods and Jules turns her head. He takes three quick strides towards her; grabbing her arms and jerking her attention back to him. “Let me in on this. I was there with you; I remember the feeling too.”
Her shoulders sink and all of her misplaced anger diffuses as she drowns in his warm brown eyes. Jules lowers her forehead to his chest and mumbles, “I just can’t seem to let go.”
“You blame yourself when I’m the one who pulled you away.”
“No…”
“Yes, Jules. Go back to that night in your memory.”
Jules thinks back to that night. When they realized it was a tornado heading their way, Katie moved into action; yelling at Jules and clasping her hand tightly.
“Come on! Let’s go!”
In a panic, Jules moves to follow her when a hand wraps around her other arm. She whips around to find West’s silhouette; his head shaking vigorously.
“No! We need to find a safe shelter. You can’t outrun a tornado!” he shouts and tugs her the opposite way.
She looks over the scene before them; taking in all of the other patrons at the Shack, the other teens who scatter like ants at a picnic, by foot or car. She vividly recalls the deep rumbling sound beginning to fill the night air. At that moment she makes a decision and tugs at Katie, shouting for her to follow.
“Come on!” West pulls her arm again and Jules follows and drags Katie behind her.
“Tanya!” Katie shouts. “Jeff!” Jules doesn’t let up and she doesn’t look back. She makes the choice to follow West.
“I followed you. I followed you and didn’t even call out for Tanya,” she admits; her voice soft, broken.
“Jules, Katie called out for her. But it doesn’t matter; she couldn’t have heard you anyway. I saw it in your eyes, I knew how torn you were, but I didn’t give you a choice. I never would have let you go that night. If you have to blame someone for her death, blame me.” His grip tightens as his voice pleads with her. “Be mad at me — hate me — but stop tearing yourself up over this.”
Tears prick her lids and she shakes her head wildly, refusing to do what he asks of her. “I can’t hate you. You saved me; how could I blame you?”
He tangles his fingers into the back of her hair and grips the back of her neck the way he does whenever he kisses her passionately. “You blame yourself so easily, but you refuse to blame me?” He brushes a tear from her lower lashes with his thumb and dips his head low, holding her gaze. “How can you not?”
The question brings a ghost of a smile to her mouth. Cupping his face in her hands, she focuses on his brown eyes. Ever so slowly, purposefully, she allows herself to tell him what she’s wanted to tell him for weeks. “Because I love you.”
West’s lips part slightly and the sound of his indrawn breath, along with the rush of his long exhale assaults her as he leans his forehead against hers and closes his eyes. She doesn’t know what she expected him to say or do after hearing her revelation, but it isn’t this. His face is a mask of both pain and triumph, worry and exaltation. It’s the epitome of the classic comedy/tragedy masks from theater, and it’s all written on the face of the guy she just admitted her love to.
Easing back as if her hands are suddenly burned by his skin, she lets go of his head and wraps her arms around herself.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…I don’t guess-”
She doesn’t know what to say or if she should apologize. Apologize? For loving him? she thinks incredulously. She rubs her arms and squeezes herself tighter, once again trying to keep he
rself from ripping in two.
West’s eyes snap open and his face pales as he takes in her face, her stance. Her heart stops when he speaks. “Oh…oh God, no Jules,” he babbles. “Babe, no…I can’t believe, I…hell.” His fingers yank at his hair before he takes her hand and pulls her to the ground again.
“You love me?” he asks, disbelieving.
“I…” She hesitates, scared of seeing refusal on his face again.
He smiles and his finger comes up to touch her lips softly. “Oh, no you don’t,” he teases. Her heart jolts into action again at the crooked grin he levels on her. “I heard you — you said you love me.”
Her jaw drops. “Yeah, and you looked like someone murdered your puppy when I did.”
“Did I?”
He shakes his head and Jules draws herself into a ball, putting space between them, and West inches after her to close the space. “Are you joking right now, West? Because I’m pretty sure that’s the worst reaction to the phrase ‘I love you’ I’ve ever seen.”
“Babe, I’m so sorry. It’s not that you said it…I just, I’m so bad at this part.” He leans forward and Jules realizes he is an emotional mess.
She remembers back to the day she first told him she cared for him, and the way he flipped out so suddenly when she admitted she broke up with Stuart for him. He was stubborn, and it took Katie eavesdropping on a conversation he had with Jeff for her to figure out he was scared of screwing things up. He thought she had the perfect guy already. He didn’t trust himself.
Sliding back to his side, Jules dips her head down to see his face in his hands. “West?”
“I’m not good at this relationship-thing. I don’t want to screw this up.”
She lets out a small laugh. “Why do you keep saying that? You’ve been worried about screwing things up with us from day one. Do you not see how perfect you are, West Rutledge? You and me, we’re working just fine.”
“Are we? Do I make you happy?” he asks as he sits back and straddles her legs. Inching close to her face, he cups her cheeks. “Because you are the best thing I’ve known in a long time. I can’t even explain how I feel for you. When my mom passed, it sucked the life out of me. You’ve brought it back. It shouldn’t have happened…we’re teenagers, we’re still in school, we’re young and stupid…but I swear to God, I’ve never wanted anything more than I want this — us — to work.”
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