We et pretty good for being out on the trail like we was, and we drunk up a good deal a’ coffee and most a’ my bottle a’ whiskey. Course, I had a couple more stashed that I never mentioned, and by and by we loaded up and headed out again. I had Happy and Butcher ride drag and keep a-watching our back end on account a’ I weren’t sure atall just when that Cody would be headed back for Asininity, and I sure as hell didn’t want him to come sneaking up behind us and give us a hell of a surprise like that. I looked over my shoulder ever’ now and than anyhow. But we never seed nothing of them coming. We rid on like that till it come dark, and then we stopped for the night and made us a camp. We built another fire and laid us out some beds for the night.
Butcher hadn’t never slept out from under no roof before, and he was some nervous about maybe a snake would come crawling up on him, so I final had him lay out his bed on the wagon seat and sleep up there. That helped him some, and I reckon he final got some sleep in spite a’ not having a roof over his head. I made Happy stay awake and watch for a few hours, and then ole Sly tuck his place. After Sly had did his spell, I tuck a turn at it. Nothing ever come up on us, though.
When morning come, we had us some breakfast, and then we headed on into Asininity, what we made it in to by mid afternoon. I had the boys drop Miller off at ole Doc’s, and then the rest of us, all except Sly a’ course, what went home to his wife, all the rest of us went to the Hooch House and got at my table and got us some drinks delivered over by ole Aubrey. Bonnie was sure as hell happy to see me. I could tell by the way she damn near squoze me to death right there in front a’ the whole damn world. You know, it sure is a great comfort in this wild and wicked world to have yourself someone what loves you like that. It makes life worth living. It makes it more easier to face the dangers and the devilments what you just naturally has to face from day to day.
“Goddamn it, Bonnie,” I said, “turn a-loose a’ me. You’re a-wrinkling my suit.”
We set down side by side, and she helt on to my arm. “Did you miss me, honey?” she said.
“Why, sure, I missed you, sweet nipples,” I said, giving one a’ her great big boobs a loving squeeze.
“Not here,” she said, gouging a elbow into my side and damn near breaking a couple a’ my ribs.
“Ow,” I yelped, and I scooted my chair a little ways away from her. Then I picked up my whiskey glass and tuck a good gulp out of it.
“Barjack?” said Happy.
“Whut?”
“Do you think that Cody feller will come back to Asininity?”
“Miller knows him better’n I do,” I said. “Now, what the hell did Miller say about that?”
“Well,” Happy said, “I think that Miller said he’d be coming back on account a’ he wanted his revenge on you and on account a’ he still wants that money what Sly got back from them.”
“I ain’t got nothing to add to that,” I said.
“Well,” Happy said, “when do you think he’ll be here?”
“I can’t say nothing about that neither,” I said. “Hell, he might could come walking in here right now for all I know, or it might be next week or next month. How the hell would I know?”
“I guess you wouldn’t,” he kinda mumbled, and picked up his drink and had a sip.
“Barjack,” Butcher said, “when he does get here, what’re we going to do? I mean, do we just sit here and wait till we see him walk through that door?”
“No, Butcher,” I said, getting kindly aggravated at the both of them, “I want you and Happy to get your rifles and go outside and climb up on a roof and watch for them.”
“Yes, sir,” he said. “Uh, right now?”
“Right now,” I said. “One of you on one side a’ the street and t’other’n on t’other side. Drink up and get on outta here.”
They both dranked up their drinks and headed for the door, and I breathed me a huge ass sigh a’ relief when they was gone. And I was giving my thanks that neither one a’ the bastards had ast me which roof to crawl up on.
Bonnie scooched her chair over close to me again and tuck hold a’ my arm right tight. “Barjack,” she said, “that man’s coming back after you now, ain’t he?”
“Well, now, honey butt,” I said, “that there is just speculation is all. I don’t rightly know if he’s a-coming back or not. If he’s a damn fool, he might.”
“I don’t want nothing to happen to you,” she said, and I glanced over at her round face, and the look in her eyes damn near made me cry, but I looked away again right quick, and I tuck me another drink real fast too. “Let’s go upstairs,” she said. I turned my glass back and drained it dry and shoved my chair back and stood up.
“Well, come on, sweetness,” I said, and she clung on to my arm as we walked across the room and on up the stairs. I noticed as we made our way over there that Dingle was a-scribbling in his notebook. When we final got to the top a’ the stairs, I paused and looked back over the big room down below me. I guess I was taking one last look for that goddamned Cody, but I never seed no sign of him, nor of no strangers neither. I walked on down the hallway with Bonnie, and we turned into our room.
Pretty damn soon, we was bouncing around so much on that damn bed and making so goddamn much noise that I was almost sure for certain that ever’one downstairs underneath us in that big noisy saloon could hear us all right. Final we both of us wore our ass out and we quit. For a while we just lay there side by side and still nekkid as jaybirds and petted around on each other and giggled like silly kids.
It were still early in the eve ning, and I final got up and went to pulling on my clothes. Bonnie weren’t far behind me in that. Whenever I started in to strap my six-gun around my waist, Bonnie said, “Barjack, get me one a’ them.”
“One a’ what, Bonnie?” I said.
“A gun belt and a six-gun,” she said.
I shoulda knowed better than to say what I said next, but I usual learn the hard way. So I said, “I don’t think I got a belt long enough to go around you, darling.”
She slugged me hard on my shoulder and grabbed a holt a’ my gun belt, jerking it away from me. Then she put it around her own waist, but she couldn’t get the belt to come together in front of her.
“I told you,” I said.
She slung my Merwin and Hulbert in its holster back at me by the end a’ the belt, and it hit me in the gut right hard, damn near knocking the wind outta me. I made a whoofing sound as I grabbed the gun. Then I started again to strapping it on.
“Well, get me one,” she said. “I don’t care how or where. I don’t give a damn if you have to skin ole Peester. Just get me one, and I mean it.”
“I’ll check in the office in the morning,” I said.
“You do it now, goddamn it,” she said.
“I’ll go over there right now,” I said.
“You do that, and you get your ass back over here right fast too.”
“Yes. I will.”
I went out the door, and she yelled after me, “And when you come back, have that goddamned rig for me.”
“I will,” I yelled back over my shoulder. I was already on the stairs.
When I was about halfway down the stairs I called out to Aubrey for a drink. He poured it, and I picked it up from him as I was hurrying on through the place. I went out the batwing doors and onto the sidewalk, and I hurried on down to my marshaling office. First thing I done was I set down behind my desk and tuck myself a good long drink. Then I put the glass down, and I got up and went over to the gun cabinet, and I went through all the rigs what I had stored up in there, but I never found one with a belt long enough. I found a couple that would go around my middle but just barely, so I knowed that none of them would reach around Bonnie.
Then I final got me the idee to pull out two a’ them belts and buckle them together to make one real long one. I done that, but the goddamn thing was so damn long that I knowed Bonnie would knock me on my ass if I tuck it to her thattaway. I had to really rack my stupid
brain then. Final, I slipped the longass belt through the loop on a holster, and I slipped a .38 caliber Merwin and Hulbert pocket pistol into the holster. I knowed that it wouldn’t kick as much as a .45. Then I kinder rolled up the belt and struck my ass back toward the Hooch House.
Soon as I stepped back through the doors I seed ole Bonnie a-setting at my table. Dingle was there too. He was still a-scribbling. There wasn’t no one else at the table. I figgered my two brilliant depitties was setting on rooftops somewheres out there. I walked on over to the table, calling for a drink as I did, and by the time I had set down, Aubrey was setting my drink in front a’ me. I unrolled that there long belt and reached over and hung it over Bonnie’s head, and I draped the belt right betwixt her big titties and fixed it so that there five-shooter was a-hanging at her waist on the left side so that she could grab it with her right hand. One a’ them two belts had bullet holders on it, and it was full up with extry shells. Bonnie looked just thrilled at her new rig, so I figgered I had did all right after all.
“That there shooter’s loaded, babe,” I said. “It’s a Merwin and Hulbert self-extracting revolver, just like mine, only it’s a mite smaller. For a lady, or for a gentleman’s coat pocket.” She pulled the shooter outta the holster, and she held it out and studied it.
“It only holds five bullets,” I said, “on account a’ it’s a littler gun, but you got plenty a’ extries on that there belt.”
She went to fondling the extry bullets on the belt with her left hand, and then she throwed her right arm around me. The gun was still in her right hand. “Oh, Barjack,” she said, “I love it. It’s just right. Is there anyone in here what needs to get shot?”
“Don’t go crazy with it now,” I said.
“I’m just kidding you,” she said.
Final she set back and slipped that shooter back into the holster where it had ought to be.
“Now, Barjack,” she said, “if that no-good bastard dares to come back to Asininity a-looking to hurt my man, I’ll be waiting for him, and I’ll be ready.”
Now, goddamn it, I knowed that she meant it. I knowed that she would be ready for him too.
Chapter Eight
Well, things got pretty quiet around Asininity for the next several days, and I begin to wonder, should I have tuck out another posse after that goddamned Cody bastard. But then I figgered that I had done let it go for too damn long. If he was going to hit us again, it seemed to me that he woulda done did it, and if he didn’t have no intention a’ hitting us again, he was most likely long gone, to California or some damn place.
Well, ole Miller the Churkee was up and around final, although he was moving some slow and careful. I was glad to have him back hanging around the Hooch House again. We was all in there one day about mid afternoon, me and Miller and Dingle and Butcher and Happy and Bonnie, all just a-setting around my own private table and drinking and talking bullshit, when ole Knothead Simpson yelled out from the front door, “Stage is coming in.” Well, with all the lack of excitement around the place, we all got up and walked outside to see who or what might be a-coming into town. Sly come outta his wife’s place across the street, and he seed me and give me a wave. I hollered a howdy at him.
The stage come to a rolling stop in front a’ the depot, and folks commenced to bailing out. There was a young cowpoke and then a drummer and then a young gal what was dressed in men’s clothes and wearing a six-gun strapped around her waist. She come off and stood in the street and kindly looked around like she was a-hunting something or somebody. I remember that I thunk that she coulda been a real beauty if she had a-dressed herself up proper, but I wasn’t thinking no other kinda thoughts about her. I had let my ass get hooked up to my ex-wife on account a’ her looks, and I didn’t have no intention a’ letting nothing like that happen again. I was plenty happy and content with my sweet Bonnie, and I was tuck plenty good care of too.
Still, I was town marshal, and that little gal looked kinda lost to me, so I walked over to her, and I kinda tipped my hat and smiled at her. “Excuse me, ma’am,” I said, “I’m Barjack. Town marshal here. I wonder if I could be of any assistance to you.”
“Thank you. No,” she said.
“Well,” I said, not giving up so easy, “was you a-looking for someone to meet you here?”
“No. I don’t know anyone here.”
Just then a blanket roll landed right beside her what the lunk-headed driver had throwed down, and she bent over to pick it up.
“Is that your whole entire luggage?” I ast her.
“I travel light,” she said.
“Well, if you need a place to stay, we got some rooms right inside here in the Hooch House. They ain’t fancy, but they’re clean enough and reasonable priced.”
“Thank you,” she said. “Who do I see?”
I looked over my shoulder at Bonnie standing there on the sidewalk, and I called out to her, “Bonnie. This here gal wants a room.”
“Come on, honey,” Bonnie said. “I’ll set you up.”
The gal walked over to the walkway to join Bonnie, and then the two of them went inside together. Me and the boys all went back to my table inside.
“Barjack,” said Happy, “who is she?”
“Who?” I said, even though I knowed perfect well who the hell he was talking about.
“That gal from the stage,” he said. “You was talking to her.”
“Oh,” I said, “that gal.”
“Yeah,” said Happy. “Well?”
“Well, whut?”
“Who is she?”
“She never said,” I answered him.
“You didn’t ask her?”
“Nope.”
“That ain’t like you, Barjack.”
“It ain’t?”
“No, it ain’t. You most always finds out who a stranger is whenever he comes to town.”
“Oh, well, she ain’t a he.”
“Is that how come you never ast her who she is?”
“No, hell, I just didn’t do it. That’s all.”
Happy, he kindly shuck his head and ducked it a little and muttered, “That ain’t like you.”
I never bothered to answer him that time. I just tuck me another drink a’ my whiskey, and then my glass was emptied, and so I lifted it up high and kindly wiggled it around a bit to get Aubrey’s attention. He come quick to refill it.
Bonnie had tuck the gal upstairs to show her the room, and just then they come back down the stairs. Bonnie was still a-wearing her new Merwin and Hulbert .38 hanging around her neck and shoulder. She brung that gal right over to my table and they both set down. Bonnie waved at ole Aubrey, and he come over to take care a’ them.
Bonnie looked at the gal. “I think you done met Barjack,” she said.
“I did.”
“Well, these others is Mr. Dingle. He’s a book writer, and he’s writ some books about my Barjack. And these two is Barjack’s depitties. Happy Bonapart and Butcher Doyle. Butcher come out here from New York City. And final, this here is Mr. Mose Miller. He’s a real Churkee Indian.”
They all howdied her real politelike, and then Bonnie said, “Fellows, this here is Miss Pistol Polly McGuire.”
“Pistol?” I said.
“Folks what knows me,” she said, “started into calling me that on account a’ I’m pretty handy with this here.” She hauled out a .45-caliber Smith & Wesson revolver and went to spinning it around her finger. Then she put it up again.
“Uh, Barjack,” said Happy, “don’t our law about toting guns in town apply to womenfolks as well as to men?”
“Never mind about that, Happy,” I said. “Well, Miss Pistol Polly, how would you like to ride outta town with us to do a little shooting? Target practice, I should say.”
“I’d like that fine,” she said. “I could use a little shooting practice all right.” Then she drunk down her glass a’ whiskey.
“Can I go too, Barjack?” Bonnie said.
“Sure you can, sweet ass,” I sai
d.
“Right now? Are we going now?”
“Hell, yes,” I said. “Happy, have Aubrey fill up a big sack with empty bottles and bring it along. Dingle, you coming with us?”
“Yes,” he said.
“All right. Go down to the stable then and get us all a horse and bring them down here.”
Happy and Dingle both got up and left to do what I told them to do. Then I said, “Butcher, run down to my marshaling office and get a bunch a’ bullets. Forty-fives and thirty-eights, and fetch them back down here.”
“Yes, sir,” said ole Butcher, and he jumped up and run.
Well, sir, there ain’t much reason for me to go on in no amount a’ detail about our shooting practice. We went to where we had all went before, all except for Polly Pistol, that is, and we all us shot up a bunch a’ shells. We had picked up ole Sly along the way too. Ole Dingle done a little bit better than what he done before, and Butcher and Happy done all right too. I didn’t exact embarrass myself neither. But what damn sure surprised the hell outta me was the damn fine shooting a’ that Polly Pistol. Hell, she outshot all of us excepting ole Sly, and for a while there I thunk she was a-going to beat him. By God, if I was a-fixing to have a big ole shoot-out with a bunch a owl hoots, I’d a sure wanted her standing on my side. She could pull and shoot faster’n a rattlesnake strikes. I sure did admire her style.
Oh yeah, I damn near forgot to say anything about my sweet tits, ole Bonnie Boodle. She done about as well as Butcher and Happy. I had almost forgot that Bonnie could handle a six-gun, or in this case, a five-shooter. I remember thinking whilst we was all out there a-shooting that we made a pretty damn good little army, we did.
Barjack and the Unwelcome Ghost Page 6