by M. S. Parker
Miles to go.
Miles to go.
My feet dragged as I staggered outside. Forward. Forward. Toward the sounds. Push back the dark. Keep moving.
Miles to go.
Miles to go.
Through the front door. Foot sliding on bloody tile. Down on one knee next to a body. Mrs. Khaled. She had the kids bring me cookies when Dad was hurt last year. Eyes open. Staring at nothing.
Up. Up.
Push through the pain.
Hold the skin together. Keep insides in. Ignore blood oozing between fingers.
Squishing between toes.
Miles to go.
Miles to go.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Knock on wood.
Break wood.
Screaming. Crying. Screaming.
Miles to go.
Miles to go.
Toes bump. Don’t look down. Keep moving. Don’t look down.
Can’t stop myself.
Blonde hair-soaked red. Gaping smile. Wider. Wider. No teeth. Just gushes of scarlet and crimson.
Hot liquid gushing through fingers.
Not hers.
Mine.
Hers cooling. Thickening.
Miles to go.
Miles to go.
Leave her behind. Can’t help her. Must keep going. Help them. Help them.
Miles to go.
Miles to–
“No!” The word caught in my throat, and I choked on it.
“Miss are you, all right?” The elderly man next to me hit the button to call for a flight attendant.
I nodded, grabbing for my bottle of water. I drained it, then focused on slowing my breathing. Hyperventilating was the last thing I needed right now.
“Bad dream,” I gasped out.
That was a bit of an understatement. I’d been having nightmares two, three times a night since Clay told me I needed to come back. The flight from Denver to Indianapolis wasn’t a long one, and I hadn’t planned to sleep, but I hadn’t been able to help myself. I was exhausted.
I rubbed my hand over my face and sighed as I leaned back in my seat. The little screen on the back of the seat in front of me showed our progress. We were about to start our descent.
“Everything okay here?” A smiling flight attendant appeared.
“I had a bad dream,” I said with a tight smile. “It’s okay. I’m good now.”
“Are you sure?” she asked. “You don’t need anything?”
I shook my head. “We’re not too far out, are we?”
“No. Not much longer now.”
“I used to have nightmares,” my seatmate said as the flight attendant walked away. “Every other night for months, I used to have the same nightmare. Jellyfish. I got stung by one when I was five, and when I watched that damn lost fish movie with my granddaughter, it all came back to me, and the nightmares started again. Damn things chasing me. Yelling squishy at me and throwing blobs of jelly.”
I stared at him. What the hell? Was I still sleeping?
He kept going until the seatbelt sign flashed on, and then he started giving me statistics about plane crashes versus car crashes and even threw in the occasional train wreck. Just for the fun of it.
Normally, listening to all of that while in a plane would freak me out, but I had to admit, it kept the butterflies in my stomach to a manageable level. It would’ve been easier if Clay had been with me, but when he’d called in his vacation time, Agent Matthews had asked him to come in for a couple hours. Which meant that Clay was coming in on a later flight, and I was returning home alone.
I hadn’t been back here since Anton and I had boarded the plane two days after my dad was sentenced. I’d never planned on coming back. Hell, I’d planned on giving Indiana, Illinois, and Ohio a wide berth for the rest of my life.
As we headed for the runway, I gripped the arms of my chair, my knuckles turning white. My seatmate assumed the issue was with the landing, but a part of me was actually hoping that we crashed so I didn’t have to walk through those glass doors and into that city.
I’d do it, of course. Go to the courthouse. Testify. I’d relive all of it if it meant keeping my father in prison.
But it didn’t stop me from wishing I didn’t have to do any of it.
“Dammit, Clay,” I whispered.
I immediately felt guilty. He was coming as a favor to me. He was taking time off work to do it. I wasn’t going to be a bitch and whine because he had to take a few hours to straighten some things out before he came out here to hold my hand.
“It’s okay, sweetie.” My seatmate reached over and patted my hand. “We’ve landed safe.”
I gave him a tight smile and concentrated on not screaming. I had a feeling I was going to be doing that a lot over the next few days.
I really hoped Clay had warned my police escort, because if I slipped and started freaking out, it would be fucking embarrassing.
Just one more thing to look forward to.
Thirty-Two
I liked the ADA trying this case. No bullshit. Straight to the point. She’d called me when the trial had broken for lunch and asked me to come to her office at five. We’d eaten takeout, and she’d gone over things with me.
Vijay Castellanos was ambitious, that much was clear, but she didn’t let it get in the way of her humanity. She still believed in the system and her part in all of it.
When she’d been satisfied that I wasn’t going to freeze up or go back on what I’d originally told the police and then the jury, she’d told me to go back to the hotel and get some sleep. I was going to be called first thing in the morning, and she needed me well-rested.
I didn’t bother to tell her that I hadn’t been well-rested in a long time. I was half-tempted to ask the cop outside to run to the store and get me something to help me sleep, but I knew those things left me groggy for at least an hour after I woke up. I needed to be sharp first thing tomorrow. Vijay had confirmed what I’d already been thinking. The protections I’d been given last time wouldn’t be there for me this time. The defense was going to hammer me about accuracy, as well as question my motives, my relationship with my parents, and anything else they could do to put my testimony in doubt.
Basically, a fun time for all.
Those were just a few of the many things I was thinking about while I stretched out on the bed, wearing my favorite flannel pajamas, and flicking through channels. I wasn’t actually looking for anything to watch, but I had a feeling I’d go crazy if I turned it off. I didn’t need silence right now.
Someone knocked on the door. “Miss Quick?”
I sighed and climbed off the bed. A quick look through the peephole revealed the cop who’d been standing outside my door, now looking thoroughly annoyed.
“Yes?”
“You have a visitor,” he said. “I told him to go away, but he’s quite insistent that you’ll want to see him.”
I smiled as I pulled back the security bar at the top of my door. Clay had texted a couple hours ago to say his flight was delayed and he didn’t know what time he’d get in, but he must’ve found another flight. That was good. I didn’t think I could handle being alone tonight.
“I’m glad you could get–” It wasn’t Clay. My entire body stiffened. “Jalen. What are you doing here?”
I didn’t even try to be polite. Not even when I saw how awful he looked.
Dark circles under bloodshot eyes. Face pale and drawn. Clothes rumpled, as if he’d slept in them.
I couldn’t help the satisfaction that came with the realization that he’d been miserable this weekend, and I really didn’t want to. I didn’t consider myself a vindictive person by nature, but the way he’d handled things had been immature and hurtful.
“May I come in?”
I crossed my arms, glaring at him. “I don’t think you’re really in a position to be asking that.”
“You’re right. I deserve that.” He glanced behind him at the annoy
ed police officer. “But I think your bodyguard here would feel better if you weren’t standing in the doorway.”
“And I’m safer with you in my room?” I asked. I slathered on the sarcasm. “Because you’d never hurt me.”
He flinched, more color draining from his face. “I deserved that.”
“Damn right you do.”
I looked over Jalen’s shoulder at the clearly uncomfortable cop. His job was to protect me and make sure I showed up at the courthouse tomorrow. He wasn’t here to listen to whatever bullshit Jalen was selling.
“Come in.” I stepped aside. When the officer took a step forward, I said to him, “It’s okay. He doesn’t have anything to do with the case. Just an ex who feels guilty for being a shit.”
I closed the door and walked back over to my bed. I sat on the edge and pointed at the stuffed armchair against the wall. Jalen sat, elbows on knees as he leaned forward. I could feel the nervous energy rolling off him, and it set my teeth on edge.
“How’d you know where I was?”
He flushed, rubbing the back of his neck. “I went to talk to Rylan, and when Jenna was chewing me out for what I did, she accidentally let it slip that you’d gone back home for something. I made a few calls.”
“Nice to know that anyone can find me if they have enough money.”
“I’m sorry,” he blurted out. “I was an idiot.”
He paused, looking at me like he either expected a reaction or a reassurance. I wasn’t going to give him either. “Go on.”
“I don’t blame you if you never want to see me again. I lost any right to be a part of your life when I let my fear get the best of me.” He took a deep breath and raised his eyes to meet mine. “And that’s what it was. Nothing pure and simple about it. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, not even Elise.”
“You don’t think I was scared too? It’s not an excuse. You don’t hurt people you care about.”
“You’re right,” he agreed. “It’s not okay that I took my insecurities out on you. I should have been upfront about what I was feeling.”
I’d thought that hearing him apologize would give me some sort of closure, but it was too soon. The wounds were too raw.
He cleared his throat and went on, “Aside from Jenna and Rylan, I don’t know anyone with a functional relationship. Look at Elise and me. We crashed and burned. Epically. My parents split when I was eight. When my dad got married a few years later, he shut me out. My mom’s current relationship is the longest one she’s had since my dad, and I doubt it’ll last much longer.”
I opened my mouth to tell him that his cynicism wasn’t my problem, but he raised a hand, and I waited. The faster he got it all said, the faster he’d leave.
“I thought I loved Elise, and maybe I did at some point, but our relationship was so chaotic and emotional that it nearly destroyed me. When I caught her cheating, I promised myself I’d never let myself get in that deep with anyone ever again.” The corner of his mouth tipped up, but there wasn’t any real humor in the half-smile. “People say that if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. He must’ve been laughing his ass off when I met you.”
I gritted my teeth and reminded myself that it didn’t matter what he said. It mattered what he did, and his actions had proven more than once that he had no idea what it meant to care about someone.
Except…he’d taken care of me at the hospital. I hadn’t asked him to do anything. He’d just done it.
“I’m not perfect, Rona, and I’m not going to lie and say that I’ll never fuck up again, but if you give me another chance, I’ll do my damnedest to make sure you don’t regret it.” He took a deep breath, and then added, “I’m falling in love with you.”
His confession hit me like a fist. Why did he have to say that? Why couldn’t he have just apologized, made excuses for his behavior, then left? Why did he have to make things so hard?
“How can I trust you?” The words came out as a whispered question rather than the strong accusation I’d meant it to be.
“I’ll do whatever it takes, give you as much time and space as you need. I’ll move heaven and earth if it means never breaking a promise to you. I’ll understand if you don’t think I’m worth the risk, but I’m begging you to give me a chance.”
I didn’t remind him that I’d already given him a second chance. That he’d fucked things up before, and we hadn’t known each other that long. The problem was, I couldn’t write off the bad behavior as being who he was any more than I could excuse the bad because of the good. People weren’t saints or sinners. We were all complex beings, made up of millions of components.
“And there’s something else. My divorce is going through and will be final soon. I gave Elise what she wanted, and she signed the papers. I’ll be free soon. Completely free and finally ready to move forward.”
I stared at him. For me. He did it for me, I knew.
“I’ll go now.” He stood. “Thank you for listening.”
He was at the door before I told him to stop. “You want a chance to prove yourself?”
“More than anything.”
I released a long breath. “Then stay with me tonight.”
“Of course. I—”
I held up a hand. “No kissing or sex,” I clarified, wanting to be completely honest. “This isn’t a romantic getaway. I have to testify tomorrow, and I don’t want to be alone tonight. Clay was supposed to be here, but his flight was delayed. Can you just be my friend?”
Jalen’s eyes blazed with something so intense that it made my chest hurt. “I’ll be your friend as long as you’ll have me. And I’ll prove to you that you can count on me.”
It was a great declaration, but I didn’t know how much I believed it. Or how much I even wanted to. He wasn’t the only one who struggled with being cynical. I wanted to hope for the best, but I didn’t have the energy to do that right now. If he could get me through this, maybe I’d take the risk again, but I pushed those thoughts out of my head.
First, I had to get through tonight.
Thirty-Three
“Say it.”
Clay gave me a quick sideways look, then turned his attention back to the road. “Say what?”
I rolled my eyes. “Come on, Clay, I know you’re dying to tell me what you think. How this is a bad idea, and I’m making bad choices because of this shit with my dad coming back up again.”
“I never said any of that,” he pointed out. “You’re the one saying it.”
“Because you’re thinking it,” I said. “I saw the look on your face when you saw Jalen.”
“In your hotel room,” Clay said. “Let’s not forget that I saw him in your hotel room. A room that has only one bed.”
“He came to apologize, and I asked him to stay.” I refused to regret my decision. He hadn’t tried anything, not even when I’d asked him to sleep on the bed next to me. When I woke from a nightmare-free sleep, I’d been curled up against his side, but he hadn’t tried anything then either.
“Do you think that’s a good idea?” Clay asked carefully. “After what happened with him before?”
“We had a good talk,” I said. “And he asked me to give him a second chance.” I put my hand on Clay’s shoulder. “I’ve got my eyes wide open, and he knows he’s got a lot of work to do to earn my trust back.”
“I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“I know.” I squeezed his shoulder before dropping my hand. “And I appreciate that. If he fucks up again, I promise to let you beat him up.”
“I’m going to hold you to that.”
As we pulled up to the courthouse, my mouth went dry, and the butterflies in my stomach took flight again. I could do this.
Clay reached over and squeezed my hand. “You’ve got this.”
Sure I did.
“One final question, Miss Quick,” Vijay said. “The events you’re testifying to occurred nearly ten years ago. How can you be certain that your memories are accurat
e?”
Some prosecutors might have shied away from the question, hoping that the defense wouldn’t bring it up, but Vijay had told me that she preferred to cut off some of the more basic arguments the defense would make by asking the questions herself. This was the big one.
“My high school history teacher once said that there are certain events that people always remember exactly where they were when those things happened. Pearl Harbor. The moon landing. JFK’s assassination. September eleventh.” I looked over at the jury. “What happened that day wasn’t a small event within a series of things that happened around me. It wasn’t seeing a glimpse of a stranger. What he – what my father did – destroyed my entire world. That’s not the sort of thing that’s easily forgotten.”
“Thank you.” Vijay looked at the judge. “No further questions for this witness, Your Honor.”
The judge glanced at his watch. “It’s nearly noon. Let’s break for lunch and be back here at twelve-thirty. Forty minutes should be enough. Once again, let me instruct the jury that you’re not to discuss the case with anyone, that includes speaking with witnesses or lawyers.”
I let out a shaky breath before I stood. My knees felt like jelly, but I stayed standing, so I counted it a win.
“Great job,” Vijay said as she walked with me back to the witness room. “I’ll order us some food, and we can go over the most likely question the defense will ask.”
I nodded in agreement as I made my way around the room. My muscles were tight from the combination of stress and sitting for the past two and a half hours. Vijay had been brutal, but not cruel, as she’d taken me through everything from my father’s accident to waking up in the hospital the day after the murders. There’d been no glossing over things, no shortening them like I’d done for Jalen. She’d already gone through different parts of the timeline with other witnesses and shown pictures of the crime scene. I was the crux of the case though, tying the facts to emotions.
I reminded myself I was halfway done and sat down next to Vijay as we waited for our food to arrive. I wasn’t really hungry, but the last thing I wanted to do was pass out on the stand, so when my chicken salad arrived, I forced myself to eat it.