The Year I Went Pear-shaped: A fat woman's tale of love and insanity

by Tamara Pitelen

  But now they were all silent.

  The only thing I cared about was Gordon. We were meant to be together.

  ‘Jesus,’ I thought with a shudder, that’s exactly what Psycho Butcher Lady had said. But I was not like her. No way. With me, Gordon would get the choice and I wouldn’t slice open his cat if he rejected me. I might migrate to Cuba, change my name and get a job in a cigar factory but I wouldn’t do anything drastic.

  “Daaaarlaaaa!” Anita shouted from the kitchen, interrupting my internal rant. “Tea’s ready, come on down.”

  “Yep, coming!”

  I jumped up off the bed -- a little too fast judging by the pain that shot through my shoulder -- and headed downstairs. Anita had set up a little tea party on the coffee table in the lounge. Apart from the teapot, there was a jug of cream, a bowl of sugar cubes, and silver tea strainers, which meant she’d used proper tealeaves, along with a plate of tuna, cottage cheese and grated carrot sandwiches, on rye bread, cut into quarters. Anita was obviously going through one of her ‘healthy eating’ phases.

  “Sit down,” she said, “ Margot’s on her way around with a big, fat dessert.”

  Then again, maybe it was like one of her ‘swinging between extremes’ phase, where one day she’d eat nothing that hadn’t fallen from a tree or bush of its own free will, while the next day she’d eat nothing that didn’t come in a Styrofoam container with a free toy.

  “Wow, this looks great! Thanks Anita.”

  “No problem Honey, my pleasure.”

  “And Margot’s coming round? Great, we can get the full story on what the hell made her call you that night.”

  “I know, I can’t wait to hear the full story myself. I deliberately haven’t asked her for all the juicy details before now because I wanted to hear it all with you. I tell you though, it’s turned out to be bloody handy having a psychic landlady eh?”

  “God yes, I’m never gonna make fun of her dreams again...nor will I ever again question the need for spending three evenings a week having the crap beaten out of you at martial arts classes. Your kick butting skills saved my life Neets. You’re my very own Wonder Woman.”

  “Ah shucks, it weren’t nuttin!” she replied in a dodgy accent from some old movie, “tink nuttin’ of it bootiful lady.”

  “It’s true you idiot. You’re my hero! Anyway, I’m going to have to bring that effusive praise to end or I may make myself sick, we can talk more about the amazing rescue when Margot gets here. In the meantime I wanna catch up on your news, what’s been going on with you? How are things with you and Toga Guy?”

  To my shock and amazement, Anita seemed to melt before my very eyes.

  “Oh Darl, I am so in love. If he was any more perfect it would be criminal.”

  “Bloody hell Neets, you’ve fallen for Toga Guy -- what the hell’s his name again by the way, sorry I’ve forgotten?”

  “Terry. Terry Baldwin. And, yes, I am mad about him. He makes every other guy I’d ever been with pale into insignificance. He’s intelligent, funny and sensitive but he’s also got a real manliness about him as well, he builds stuff with hammers and nails, he’s a total man’s man, which totally turns me on. It makes me feel all girly and I just want to sink into his big, strong arms. It’s pathetic really, I’ll be wearing an apron next and singing Stand By Your Man.”

  “Don’t worry I’d have you committed if I saw you going down the Tammy Wynette path. Seriously Neets, that’s so brilliant, I’m thrilled for you. Have you both been shagging like randy rabbits all over our furniture and household appliances while I’ve been bedridden in hospital?”

  She grinned. “You betcha. If this sofa could talk, it could tell you stories to make a whore blush.”

  “Well, just as long as there are no nasty stains.”

  “Ugh gross, as if Darl, that’s your trick.”

  “What? That’s an outrageous suggestion! I don’t know how you have the gall to throw that groundless accusation at me.”

  “Groundless? That rug in the hallway has never been the same since you and that guy from Maroubra Seals Club, you know, the one you met at Bingo, decided to do it in every room of the house that weekend I was in Melbourne for a work thing. I swear that in the right light, I can see a stain of I don’t know what in the shape of your arse.”

  We both burst into a fit of giggling.

  “Ok you got me there. Not that you can talk, I bet you and Toga boy have done it on every flat surface in the place. Anyway, I’m dying to meet the man whose found a new use for our washing machine. You’ve got to bring him round for dinner so I can check him out.”

  “Yeah, I will and why don’t you bring Gordon around? We can make it a foursome,” she said the last bit with a suggestive grin.

  “Well, I’ll ask him but I’m not sure he’ll want much to do with me in future. I might just remind him of all that horribleness.”

  “I dunno Darl, from what I’ve seen of him while you’ve been in hospital, he really likes you. I think he’d want to stick around.”

  “Yeah, I know he likes me but does he LIKE me, Neets? Does he look at me and get consumed with lust? Does he fantasise about ripping my knickers off and fucking me in wild, exotic places?”

  “Jeeze I don’t know Darl, you’ll just have to ask him.”

  “Oh yeah right. As if.”

  “Look, stop obsessing. Just see what happens when you see him again. You’re jumping ahead of yourself yet again, don’t be in such a hurry for godssakes. Look, why don’t you wander round to his place this evening, take along a bottle of wine and a twinkle in your eye and see if he’d like some company.”

  As I nodded and murmured about that being a good idea, someone knocked at the door.

  “That’ll be Margot,” Anita said, leaping to her feet and running to the door. A few seconds later I heard the usual greetings and soon Margot appeared in the doorway. Anita followed her in carrying a banana cake, slathered in a wickedly thick layer of white icing, which Margot had obviously brought with her.

  “No, don’t get up,” she said, as I got to my feet to greet her. “You sit back down and rest up. You’ve had a terrible ordeal.”

  I took no notice and went over to kiss her on the cheek.

  “Hi Margot, it’s great to see you. You saved my life, you guardian angel.”

  The old lady blushed and smiled, and absentmindedly started patting her soft grey hair. She was wearing a hand-knitted, white jumper with pink and yellow flowers on it and a long black, woollen skirt. On her feet she wore Nike trainers and white sports socks. Margot was a creature of comfort.

  “Yes, well, I’m just glad I could help and I’m very glad you’re on the mend.”

  “Here, sit down, let me get you a cup of tea,” I offered.

  “No, no, you sit down, I’ll help myself,” she insisted.

  There was no use arguing, Margot was determined to fix herself up, so I sat back and picked my own cup back up.

  “So Margot,” I asked once she was settled in a chair with her cup of tea and a sandwich, “we’re dying to hear everything, tell us what happened, why did you call Anita in such a state that night?”

  She sighed and took a sip of tea.

  “Well, it wasn’t such a big deal really. I’d been feeling strange all day, like I knew something bad was going to happen, the feeling got stronger and stronger throughout the day but I didn’t have any idea what it was or what to do about it so I went to bed as usual and that’s when I had this awful, awful nightmare. It was so real, it was like I wasn’t actually dreaming. It was like I’d left my body and flown over to this house and I was floating just below the ceiling in your bedroom watching everything that was happening. It was so vivid. I could see that crazy woman, I could hear what she was saying. I saw her tie you up and hit you and cut your cheek open...”

  I reached up and ran my finger down the fresh scar.

  “...I saw all the terrible things she did to you. I saw her put the clock in front of you and tell you
that if Gordon didn’t arrive in 20 minutes she’d kill you, I saw it all and I couldn’t help you. It was a terrible feeling.”

  As Margot talked about what she’d seen, chills ran down my spine and my stomach did flips. Not only did it remind me of the whole ordeal but how could she have seen exactly what happened? I swallowed. Margot was still talking.

  “...but what was even stranger was that I wasn’t the only one floating above the whole scene, there were about five or six other...gosh, I don't know what to call them, spirits, I guess...anyway, they were all dressed in clothes from different centuries but they were all looking at me and kind of talking but not really talking, I could just hear their voices in my head. They were saying, ‘go back, call Anita’, they were saying it over and over again but I didn’t know how to go back, I didn’t know how to wake up again. I tried telling them but then suddenly I was back, I shot upright in bed, got up and ran to the phone. I called you at your Gran’s home Anita, I don’t even know how I knew the number, again it was like someone was whispering it in my head.”

  I looked at Anita, she had gone pale.

  “Jesus Margot, that’s one freaky fucking story,” I said.

  “Yes, I know but I swear it’s true.”

  “I’ve no doubt that it is, that’s what makes it so fucking freaky!”

  Anita nodded and muttered ‘Jesus’ a few times under her breath.

  “Well, thank you Margot. Like I said, you saved my life. I am forever grateful. I don’t know how I can ever repay you.”

  She blushed again. “Oh no, like I said, I’m just very glad that you’re ok. And looking back it was a very special experience for me, I’ve had some strange things happen but that was definitely the most supernatural event of my life.”

  “Yep, well, keep drinking the special tea Margot, it obviously provides a bridge between you and The Other Side. But if you end up hovering in my bedroom again, can you see whether there’s a shoe on the top of the wardrobe? I think I threw it up there a couple of months ago,” I joked to lighten the atmosphere a bit.

  “Is it a pink kitten heel?” she asked. I nodded. “Yes, it was up there, the heel is wedged down the back of the wardrobe.”

  “God!” Anita cried. “She’s right Darl. When Gordon and I switched our rooms around, it fell down. Bloody hell Margot...” she said, turning to stare in disbelief at the old lady.

  “I know dear, it’s very odd,” Margot said, making the understatement of the century. I think I must’ve been, you know, astral travelling. It’s not the first time but it’s never been quite as dramatic as this latest episode. I’m thinking of taking a night class at the college called, Develop Your Psychic Powers, so that I can learn to do it at will. That would be fun don’t you think?”

  She looked at each of us in turn, smiling.

  We both looked back at her, our jaws on the floor.

  “Astral travelling?” I said. “You gotta start selling that bloody tea Margot.”

  Chapter 52: Slap Down

  ‘Come on Darla, you can do it’ I said to myself for the hundredth time. I was parked up in the green Barina at the end of Gordon’s street and had been sitting there for 20 minutes, trying to psych myself up to knock on his door. Driving over had been a slow process thanks to my shoulder but I’d managed, luckily the Barina was an automatic. Sitting on the passenger seat next to me was a bottle of Hunter Valley merlot.

  ‘Come on,’ I urged myself yet again, ‘just drive to his house and see if he’s there. You can do it! What are you so bloody worried about?’ So, with a burst of determination in the spirit of my new approach to life, which was ‘stop waiting, start acting’, I started the engine again, put the gearstick into ‘drive’ and pulled out from the kerb. About 40 seconds later I pulled up outside his house just behind a flashy red sportscar.

  Taking a few deep breaths, I grabbed the wine and got out the car. My heart felt like it was in my mouth when I got to the door and pressed the bell.

  As I stood there waiting, I resisted the urge to turn and sprint back up the path to my car. I heard footsteps getting louder from the other side of the door and seconds later, there he was, standing in front of me. A vision of beauty clad in nothing but pyjama bottoms. God, he was gorgeous. I tried not to stare too hard at his naked torso.

  I could tell he was surprised to see me. He stood speechless for a second then said, “Darla! God, what’re you doing here?” He raised one beautiful, muscular arm up and pushed his long fingers through his blonde fringe. I searched his face for a clue as to whether he was pleased to see me but couldn’t tell. If anything he looked perplexed and, oh god no, was that a hint of annoyance in his eyes?

  “I, um, I wanted to thank you, for the bed, you know, and to see how you were doing. Sorry, I should’ve called first,” I stammered, feeling my cheeks heat up with embarrassment.

  “No, no,” he replied a little too quickly, “it’s, ah, great to see you, it’s just that I’ve got someone with me right now, I didn’t know you were coming round...”

  And then a voice called through from inside the house.

  “Who is it Honey?”

  Jesus. It was Talia. I’d recognise that voice anywhere. My heart tumbled from my throat and hit the bottom of my stomach.

  “It’s Darla Manners,” he shouted at her over his shoulder.

  “Look, I’ve obviously come at a bad time, I can see you’re busy,” I blurted. “I’ll just go and leave you to it, I’ll see you some other time.”

  Then I saw her, walking up behind him. In his bathrobe. A wave of nauseous went through me.

  “Deela! How lovely to see you. Gordon was just telling me all about your awful ordeal, weren’t you Honey?” She stroked his bare arm with her long nails. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you had to go through that with that insane woman. It’s so sad to see a woman obsessed with a man she can’t have, don’t you think?”

  Why did I get the feeling that was a jibe at me?

  “Um, yeah, look, I think I’ll be going, you two are obviously busy.”

  I remembered the wine bottle and quickly hid it behind my back. A move that no-one missed.

  “Nice to see you again Talia, see you later Gordon.”

  “Bye Deela Darling,” she called out with, I detected, a hint of scorn.

  I could feel my face turn crimson as I turned and headed quickly up the path again.

  “No, wait!” Gordon called out and came running after me in his bare feet. “Look, I’m sorry Darla,” He said, his voice lowered so that Talia couldn’t hear. “Can we talk tomorrow? I’d love to catch up with you soon, ok? I really wanna know how you’re doing. I’ll call you in the morning.”

  “Gorrdon Love,” Talia interrupted, “hurry back in, I need you, ah, for ‘something’.”

  Oh stop it you smug bitch.

  “Sure, whatever,” I said to him, hardly looking in his direction in case I burst into tears then I made a bid for escape to my car as fast as I could. Once safely back in the driver’s seat, I jerked the car into motion and sped away. Humiliation and disappointment burned the back of my throat and the ache in my heart was literally physical. It was hard to even breath.

  ‘You fucking fool,’ I said to myself as I raced home. ‘As if he’d want you when he’s got every woman in town throwing herself at him. As if you could compete with her, you stupid, fucking fool’.

  Chapter 53: Break Another Little Piece of My Heart Now Baby

  “Anita! He was standing there virtually naked! In nothing but some pyjama bottoms and that wannabe Latino sexpot was in his house! What else could they possibly be doing? Of course they were shagging! He was probably fucking her from behind over the back of the sofa as I rang the bell. God, I just wanna die.”

  It was the next morning and I was pouring my pain out to Anita. In the background the top fifty music videos were playing on the telly and at that moment the screen was filled with fat black men, sporting baseball caps and far too much gold jewellery, singing into th
e camera while gorgeous, coffee-coloured women in tiny bikinis jiggled their boobs and butts around.

  “Look, it might not have been what it seemed...” she reasoned.

  “Oh puh-lease...”

  “...shut up, you’re jumping to conclusions. For godsakes pull yourself together. Even if he was having sex with her, it doesn’t mean it meant anything or that he’s back with her. Men have meaningless sex with women they don’t particularly like all the time! And we certainly know that Gordon is no choirboy. It’s not the end of the world.”

  “Yes it is!” I cried and rolled on to my back on the carpet, taking care not to bump my shoulder, which was healing nicely but still tender. “She’s beautiful, famous and she’s totally gotten under his skin. There’s no hope. I’m gonna die a lonely old spinster with just Big Black Ben to keep me company.”

  “Oh for godsake Darla, why don’t you just ask him about her when you talk to him?”

  I sighed loudly while the men on telly continued bleating on and on about how they were the best ever and how no one came close to them, yada yada. Tell it to someone who gives a fuck fellas. Right now what I needed was lots of Janis Joplin.

  I started singing while Anita looked on, bemused.

  “Didn’t I make you feel, like youuuu were the only man?” I crooned, eyes closed. “Didn’t I give you everything that a woman possibly can? But of all the love I gave you, it was never enough! Well I’m gonna show ya baby, that a woman can be tough! So come on, come on, come on, come on! Take a, take another little piece of my heart now Baby, break it! Break another little piece of my heart now Baby, have it, have another little piece of my heart now Baby...”

  I stopped when I realised the phone was ringing.

  “Thank God! Saved by the bell,” said Anita. “You are sinking to new depths of patheticness Darl, don’t make me use Tough Love, I will if I have to...hello?” She said to the person on the other end of the phone.