After the Sirens had finished a couple of warm-up laps, the Radon Rollers were introduced. Their team was just as mixed as the Sirens. Their jammer was a tall, slender woman named Spinning Jenny. Their pivot, named Anita Coffee, was a Latin woman with intense eyes who reminded Dorothy of Juana.
Had Juana said she would come to derby practice? Dorothy couldn’t remember.
The teams finished their warm-up laps, and several referees rolled onto the floor, taking positions inside and around the edge of the track. Boom-Boom and Anita Coffee, along with three of their teammates, crouched into a ready stance at the starting line. Merdusa and Spinning Jenny rolled into place a few feet behind them. The crowd grew quiet and…
Chapter 16
After the bout, the group returned to Dead Betty to find a small envelope tucked under the windshield wiper.
Dorothy sighed. “It’s a parking ticket, isn’t it, Grandma?”
“Just a love letter,” Grandma said casually, dropping the ticket into her purse. “Your hot granny has a lot of secret admirers, you know.”
Gigi harrumphed and climbed into the front passenger seat. “Do all your love letters have police badges printed on the envelope?”
“Only the ones from cops,” Grandma said, revving the car engine. “I do love a man in uniform.”
As Grandma drove home, Jade fished inside her messenger bag. She pulled out a package of wet wipes and a crumpled ball of paper. She smoothed the paper flat on her lap and yelped.
“Gigi! You loudmouth!”
“What?” Gigi said, turning her head to look at Jade. “I didn’t say anything.”
Jade shook the paper at her. “Remember this schedule? Do you realize you got us signed up to COMPETE?” She scanned the line-up. “We’re supposed to have a bout a week from tonight! Grandma, you have to get us out of this.”
Grandma nodded her head slowly back and forth and clicked her tongue. “Sorry, hon. No can do.”
“Why not?” Dorothy felt like she was going to throw up. “We can’t compete. I can barely even skate.”
Grandma chuckled. “Then I guess you better learn.”
“Seriously, G-ma,” Gigi said. “Can’t you just call someone and get us taken off the bout schedule?”
“Lookie, girls, I may be a little bit of a rule breaker, but I’ve never missed a game. And I’m not about to now. Besides, there’s nothing like an upcoming bout to whip a team into shape.”
Dorothy’s stomach was really churning now. Why wouldn’t Grandma call it off? Competing with so little training was practically suicide.
Grandma caught Dorothy’s gaze in the rearview mirror and winked. But instead of making Dorothy feel better, it just made her angry. Really angry.
Fine, then, Dorothy thought, giving Grandma the nastiest look she could muster. If you’re too stubborn to call this stupid bout off, we’ll compete. I’ll train my butt off this week. And when I end up a pile of ground beef on the track, you’ll be sorry.
Grandma winked again at Dorothy and leaned to her left…releasing a fart that sounded like a kazoo being played underwater. Everyone stared at the old woman until the rumbling squeal diminished to a final peep. Soon, the awkward silence was replaced by Grandma’s giggles.
“Gross!” Dorothy said.
“Ha ha!” Grandma laughed. “I’m sorry, girls. Just trying to lighten things up. You all look so worried. Come on! Roller derby is supposed to be fun.”
Sam started to giggle, and Jade and Gigi joined in soon after.
Dorothy struggled to keep a straight face. Finally, the laughter spluttered through her lips and she gave in. She laughed until her cheeks hurt and she had stitches in her sides. The upcoming bout suddenly didn’t seem nearly as menacing.
“Nice one, Shotgun Smelly,” Gigi laughed. “I hope you can coach as well as you can pass gas.”
“I hope so, too,” Grandma said. “Otherwise, you girls are toast!”
Chapter 17
Dorothy, Gigi, and Jade spent the entire weekend skating and doing chores for Uncle Enzo. There were toilets to scrub, carpets to steam clean, and buckets of sludgy black carpet water to dump out.
They also practiced skating. Dorothy’s balance, speed, and agility had improved, but every new skill she learned brought new opportunities to fall.
Jade taught her how to do crossovers—moving from the outside of the track to the inside of the track and back again. When Dorothy tried the technique, Gigi teased that they should just change the name of the move to crashovers, since that’s all Dorothy seemed to be able to do.
Gigi demonstrated stopping techniques. There was a plow stop (pointing toes together in an upside-down V shape), a hockey stop (turning quickly at a 90-degree angle), and a tomahawk stop (whipping around fast and slamming both stoppers down). But the only stop Dorothy managed to do with any real success was the face stop. After Dorothy blacked out twice from nosebleeds, Gigi and Jade decided they should practice falling without getting hurt. They did one-knee falls, two-knee falls, and Superman falls (falling flat on their forearms). They also practiced returning to their feet as quickly as possible.
By the time Monday’s practice rolled around, Dorothy was feeling better about her skating skills. And more important, she was confident that if she fell, she wouldn’t give herself a major head injury. Progress.
“I’m ready to try the obstacle course now,” she told Grandma as they waited for the rest of the team to show up. Galactic Skate was quiet—all except for the snores coming from the old man sitting behind the rocket-shaped rental desk.
“That’s nice, dear,” Grandma said. “But no obstacle course today.”
“But why?” Dorothy asked, disappointed. “You said…”
The front door swung open. In came Gigi, Jade, and Dinah, all chatting and laughing loudly.
Grandma pinched Dorothy’s cheek. “That was before you all got yourselves signed up to compete. Friday is going to be here sooner than you think. We need to assign positions and teach everyone the rules.”
“Rules?” Gigi said, as the group reached the skate desk. “I thought you didn’t care about rules, G-ma.”
“I care,” Grandma said. “I just like breaking them, too. Anyway, Max is taking over your training tonight. He’s better at the technical stuff.”
Dorothy blushed. She was embarrassed enough when Max watched her skate from a distance. Now he’d be coaching?
Max rolled up and greeted Grandma with their special handshake. After finishing the zombie robot move, he turned and looked at the girls. “Uh,” he said, his eyebrows arched, “you know we can’t do roller derby with just four girls.” The fluorescent light above him rattled and made a soft, metallic buzzing sound. Dorothy looked around nervously at her teammates.
“Don’t worry,” Dinah said cheerily. “They’ll be here.”
Just then, Ruth and Lizzy rolled in through the front door. Ruth was wearing the same oversized T-shirt she had been wearing at school, but Lizzy looked like she was ready for mortal combat. With football pads covered in spikes and scales, the thin girl looked even scrawnier than usual.
She knocked a fist against her armored chest and greeted the team with a salute. “Hail Derbylings! Geekzilla and Rolling Thunder reporting for duty.”
Ruth giggled, saluting, too.
Grandma returned the gesture and smiled. “At ease, cadets.”
“What’s with the costume?” Gigi asked.
“It’s not a costume. It’s DinoStar battle armor,” Lizzy said. “Standard issue.”
“This is our standard issue,” Jade said, lifting the flap on her messenger bag. She pulled out a stack of black T-shirts and handed them to Lizzy. They had been imprinted with a Slugs ’n’ Hisses logo.
“Wow,” Dorothy said when the stack was passed to her. The shirts were amazing. Jade had really outdone herself with the
logo design, and they looked professionally printed.
Dorothy selected her T-shirt before handing the remaining shirts back to Jade. Even with the addition of Lizzy and Ruth, the team was still seriously undermanned.
“Too bad Juana didn’t come,” Dorothy said, pulling the T-shirt on over her clothes. She could do without Dee, but the team could really use Juana. Her intensity and thoughtfulness would be a great addition. If only she could get over being so shy.
Dorothy looked up to see the rest of her team grinning at her. She felt a soft tap on the shoulder.
“Sorry to be lates,” said a soft voice.
Dorothy whirled around and smiled at Juana. “You came!”
Juana nodded. Her long, dark hair was pulled back in a ponytail. “I’m ready to be braves, Dorty!”
Dorothy gave Juana a big hug.
“Okay, well, you are going to need more people to make an official team,” Max said, “but let’s get practicing. Our first bout is this Friday, and we don’t have a minute to waste.”
Grandma wished everyone luck and took Sam with her to run some errands.
Dorothy and her team strapped on their pads and helmets and rolled to the rink floor. An oval track had been marked off with white tape.
“Time trials, people. Trust me, you’ll need the endurance,” Max announced. “Line up!”
When Max blew his whistle, Jade and Gigi zipped out in front of the others. Jade pulled ahead at the first turn, but Gigi rushed forward and cut Jade off. Jade juked to the inside of the track to pass Gigi again, but Gigi swung her hip and bumped Jade so hard that she tumbled into the center of the rink.
Max blew his whistle.
“No hits during time trials, girls. That means you, Gigi. Keep that vicious booty under control!”
“Aw!” Gigi said. “But Booty Vicious is my middle name.”
“I thought Eleanor was your middle name,” Jade growled, dusting herself off and returning to the track.
Gigi shrugged. “I guess Booty Vicious will just have to be my skate name, then.”
Max called everyone back to the starting line and restarted his stopwatch.
On the second trial, Jade came in first and Gigi was second. Rolling Thunder had been in third, but crashed into a wall just short of the finish line, so Juana came in before her. Geekzilla came in fifth after Rolling Thunder, and Dorothy and Dinah came in dead last.
Dorothy rolled to a stop several feet away from her team and pounded her head against the top of the wall. Even with all her extra training, she wasn’t any faster than the goofiest, least focused member of the team. It was plain embarrassing.
“Hey, Undead!” Dinah shouted. “Look who’s here!”
Dorothy didn’t look up. It would just be Alex, wanting to take over the skate floor as usual.
Suddenly, two meaty hands shot out of nowhere and picked Dorothy up by the shirt, wrenching her up so she was face-to-face with the beast from detention.
Dee.
Chapter 18
“Hey twerp,” Dee grunted.
Dorothy shrieked and tried to wrestle free.
Juana appeared at the wall. “Dee! You puts Dorty down!”
“Why?” Dee said with a chuckle. “You wanna smack her for me?”
Juana scrunched her eyebrows, confused.
After a moment she nodded. “Yes. I am Juana SmackHer. Now you lets her go!”
“Suit yourself,” Dee said, and dropped Dorothy so hard that her teeth rattled.
“You are okay?” Juana checked.
“I am now,” Dorothy said. “Thanks to Juana SmackHer.”
Juana grinned.
“Huh,” Dee said, looking from Dorothy to Juana. “I came down here thinking you all were gonna be a bunch of babies. But if this team is tough enough to make a wimp like Juana stand up to me, then it’s a good enough team for Dee Tension.”
“Dee Tension?” Dorothy said, glaring up at the brute. She was still furious. “That’s your skate name?”
“Why?” Dee growled, reaching over the wall and placing two thick hands on Dorothy’s shoulders. “You got somethin’ better, twerp?”
Sure, Dorothy thought. Dee Lusional, Dee Mented, Dee Sgusting…But something told her that she was better off keeping those ideas to herself.
Dorothy wriggled out of Dee’s hold. “Um, no. On second thought, that’s actually a great name for you. Very clever.”
Dee slicked her hair back and chuckled. “I know, huh? Now let’s roller derby!”
The fluorescent light above Dee sizzled and went dead. Chills ran up Dorothy’s spine.
Max rolled over and proceeded to explain to the massive girl why picking on fellow team members wouldn’t be tolerated.
Dorothy took the opportunity to slink back to the rest of her team. She was feeling seriously shaken. Between Dee and Eva, things were getting out of hand. How could anyone be expected to concentrate in these conditions?
Once Dee was geared up, Max assigned positions. Jade was the obvious choice for jammer, and Gigi claimed the pivot position. Dorothy silently hoped Gigi’s bossiness would make her a good leader, but she had her concerns. The rest of the girls were blockers.
“And we’ll need at least one backup jammer,” Max said.
Jade grabbed Dorothy’s hand and raised it. “Dorothy volunteers.”
“I do?” Dorothy said. Was Jade kidding? She had just tied Dinah for slowest skater on the team. Definitely not jammer material.
“Don’t worry, Dorothy,” Jade whispered. “I’m not going to need any backup. I can handle this on my own.”
Dorothy was confused. Did Jade really want to keep the jammer position all to herself? Before Dorothy could open her mouth to refuse, Max smiled his lopsided grin and put a star cover over her helmet.
Moments later they were deep into the next exercise: arm whips. It felt exhilarating to be rocketed into hyper speed. Everyone was laughing and having a great time whipping and being whipped, right up until Dee and Ruth’s turn.
“Take it easy,” Max warned as Dee held out her massive arm.
Rolling Thunder grabbed Dee’s arm only to be launched with such force that Ruth scraped along the wall like cheese on a grater. When Ruth finally came to a stop, her right thigh was scratched and bleeding.
Max blew his whistle. “Excessive force, Dee. Get it under control.”
Dee shrugged. “Whatever, dude.”
Dorothy had to put her head between her knees and take deep breaths while Max bandaged the wound.
After a short break, they were back on the floor. The next exercise was skating in a pack. The goal was to keep in tight formation and skate at the same speed. Dorothy’s team looked less like a pack and more like a group of confused geriatrics lost at the mall. To fix the problem, Max found some rope and tied the girls together elbow to elbow. In theory, this was an okay idea. In reality, it was a disaster. If one person fell, everyone fell. If one person skated a little faster than the pack, everyone fell. Basically, if anyone did anything, everyone fell. Bruised and battered, the girls begged Max to untie them.
“So what brilliant exercise do you have planned now?” Gigi grumbled once she was finally free. “You could fill the rink with live alligators.”
“Or baby otters!” Dinah suggested.
“Or baby otters and alligators,” Jade said, a wicked glint in her eye.
“How about we just sit down and discuss the rules of roller derby,” Max said. The lights flickered, but no one seemed to notice except Dorothy.
Fifteen minutes later, everyone was more confused about the rules than they had been before the discussion started. Dorothy’s head hurt like she had just finished a snow-cone-eating contest. Even Geekzilla, the smartest girl on the team, looked completely lost.
“How about we just try a practice game?” Dorothy sugge
sted.
“What’s the point?” Gigi grumbled.
“Agreed,” Jade said. “If we don’t understand the rules now…”
“No,” Juana said. “Dorty is right. We will learns better by doing, no?”
Dorothy smiled at Juana. At least one person on the team thought her ideas had value.
“All right, Dorth,” Max said. “Let’s do it your way. Jam time!”
Two jams later, Dorothy still hadn’t passed an opposing blocker, so she hadn’t scored a single point, but she didn’t care. The idea had paid off, and the Slugs ’n’ Hisses were playing real roller derby.
When Alex did finally arrive at Galactic Skate, she commandeered the center of the rink. Alex’s swirling, twirling, and leaping made it hard to concentrate on the game. Why did Alex have to show off like that? Was she intentionally trying to distract them?
To make matters worse, every time Jade broke through the pack and raced around the rink, Alex would roll up alongside her, skating faster backward than Jade could manage forward.
“Stop it, Alex!” Jade yelled. “Back away from the track!”
“I’m just practicing,” Alex said.
“Practice somewhere else!” Jade yelled. “The track is roller derby only!”
Just as Jade said the words “roller derby” there was a thunderous sound of cracking wood, like a tree splitting in two, followed by a heart-freezing shriek. Dorothy’s eyes darted desperately around the track in search of the source of the wails. When she found it, she let out a shriek of her own. The track floor was eating Rolling Thunder! The big girl had already been swallowed up to her waist and the rink was hungrily consuming her top half an inch at a time.
Dorothy rushed to the hole and grabbed one of Ruth’s flailing arms, while Jade grabbed the other and pulled. As hard as they tugged, they couldn’t free the howling girl from the jaws of the hungry floor.
Dorothy’s Derby Chronicles: Rise of the Undead Redhead Page 8