by Tracy Brown
Jada twisted her neck in the way that only a black girl can, and looked at Born through narrowed eyes. “What the fuck you mean my ‘stankin’ ass,’ nigga? You don’t know me like that.”
“And you don’t know me like that for you to be saying that I’m trying to impress you. I don’t try to impress nobody. Just remember that.”
Jada continued staring at Born like he had totally lost his mind. “Yeah,” she said, nodding. “Drop me off back at my friend’s house.” She folded her arms across her chest, and watched the road ahead. “Now!”
Born chuckled, sarcastically. “I already told you that I’m not dropping you off yet. Just be easy.”
“You can’t kidnap me and make me stay in your car!” Jada was pissed.
Born screeched to a halt in the middle of Richmond Terrace. Cars behind them blasted their horns and grinded to a stop behind him. He turned to Jada. “You can get out now if you want to. I’m not kidnapping you, little girl. Go ‘head. Get out right here.”
Jada looked at the angry drivers as they passed Born’s Benz. He continued to sit there idling, as he awaited her decision. “Fine!” She folded her arms across her chest, and sat back. Born laughed at the little brat beside him, and he drove her back to his place.
They rode in silence all the way, and when they arrived, Jada got out and slammed the passenger door. She headed toward the building and waited as Born unlocked the fortress that was his lobby. Once inside, they boarded the elevator and the tension was thick. As the doors closed, Jada stood with her back to the wall, still scowling, and Born pressed every button calmly. Then he stepped over to her, towering over her. His presence consumed the small space in which they stood. With their faces only inches apart, Born smiled at her. Those damn dimples! she thought. And then he kissed her, their tongues rhythmically dancing and their bodies so close he could feel her heartbeat. Floor by floor, they continued to kiss. At times it was soft, and at other moments passionate. But Jada had never been kissed like that in all her life. Born’s kiss was almost better than sex. By the time they arrived at his apartment door, they had made up. They both knew it would be a good night after all.
When they got inside his place, he turned on his radio, and music filled the room through his Bose speakers. Born led her by the hand toward his bedroom, but Jada pulled back. “No,” she said. “Not yet. It’s too soon for that.”
Born respected her reluctance, and instead he led her to the couch. She sat beside him, her mind reeling with all the things she was feeling. But the most dominant was a sense of guilt. Jada felt that if Born knew her for who she really was, he might not want to be with her at all. He kissed her so perfectly, and she wanted to have him fill her every void. But this wasn’t right. It wasn’t real. She swallowed the lump in her throat, and looked at him. “I think we should get to know each other better, Born.” She said it, and watched his expression. It didn’t change, and so she continued. “I think there’s some things that I should tell you about who I really am before we go any further.”
Now she had his undivided attention. He sat upright as Jada took a deep breath.
“You might want to put me out when I finish telling you the story,” she said, laughing uneasily, because she was feeling really nervous about what his reaction would be to her past addiction. “I like you, Born. I want to see if there could be something between us. But first I have to be honest with you about who I am and who I used to be.”
“Okay,” he said, sitting back and getting comfortable. “I’m listening.”
Jada started at the beginning, and she bared her soul to Born. She started with her home life, and how her mother had chosen a man over her children. She continued, telling him about their move to Staten Island, and then about meeting Mr. Charlie. She went on to how she’d started smoking woolahs, then straight crack, and eventually hit rock bottom. Every sordid detail was laid out. Jada held nothing back. And to her, it felt like stepping off a cliff, hoping that your parachute actually opened. All she knew for sure was that the truth should come from her before Born had the misfortune of hearing it from someone else.
Listening to Jada, Born felt like he was on an emotional roller coaster. The woman beside him was pretty, she was sexy, and she was smart. But she was a former crackhead, and that was something that Born hadn’t expected. It was a turnoff. She told Born everything about her life on the streets, about the way Mr. Charlie had treated her, both good and bad. Born listened to Jada’s story in astonishment. These things had happened before he’d met her, yet he still felt disappointed by the revelations. She had been a true fiend. She had sold her body. She was weak like his father had been, and that was something Born couldn’t easily get past.
Born looked at Jada, who sat back at the end of her story, awaiting his response. He felt a sense of disappointment about Jada’s past, but he was hesitant to let her know that.
“So you don’t smoke no more?” he asked. “You don’t get tempted now:
Jada shook her head vigorously. “No. Not at all. I’m clean now, and I’m never using that shit again!” The look on her face was so sincere. “You don’t understand,” she said. “That drug had me doing all kinds of shit that if I think about it now it makes me sick. I was selling my body, stealing, selling drugs, doing whatever I had to do to get it. Now that I look back at how low I stooped, I don’t ever, ever want to go back there again.”
She looked at Born, trying to read his face. He looked at her, staring into her eyes so hard that she thought he was looking for something specific.
“Yo, I respect your honesty, for real,” he said. “It takes a strong person to be up front and honest about some shit like that. I appreciate you telling me all of this yourself.”
Jada waited for him to say more, but he didn’t. The truth was that Born didn’t know what to say, what to feel, or how to take what she had said. He was somewhat disappointed, knowing that she had been a fiend. But he did admire her for having the strength to kick her habit. Born thought about his father’s battle with addiction. He knew it took strength to fight it, and he admired her for doing what Leo Graham had failed to do.
Jada sat there, the suspense killing her. “So, do you want me to get out now:
Born had a tough time understanding why he was so intrigued by Jada. Part of him thought, perhaps she was best kept at a distance because of her past. But she reminded him of a child that wasn’t fully strong enough. He saw potential in her, and wanted to teach her how to be strong. Jada wasn’t like most of the chicks he’d dealt with. He’d had prettier girlfriends, all types of jump-offs, some more lovely than the next. But there was something different about her that he couldn’t quite put his finger on. So while he doubted that he could ever wife her, he sincerely wanted to be her friend.
Born shook his head. “Nah,” he said. “Not at all.” He reached for her hand, and she gave it to him. “Thanks for telling me the truth. In my business, honesty is hard to come by. You showed me that you got a lot of heart. And I really respect you for that.”
Jada smiled. “Thanks.”
Born stood up and turned off the radio. There would be no sex tonight. He put a movie in the VCR, and turned on the television. When he sat back down, they watched a bootleg copy of The Fugitive and enjoyed each other’s company. By the end of the movie, Jada was asleep, with her head resting on Born’s shoulder. He maneuvered himself into a more comfortable position, and grabbed the throw he kept on the sofa for nights when he fell asleep on it. He covered the two of them, and he held her all night, as she snored softly in his arms. It was the first time she spent the night with him, and Born figured that he just may have found an unexpected Bonnie to his Clyde.
19
THE FIRST TIME
Jada woke up the next morning, realizing that she had spent the whole night sleeping across Born. She looked around the cluttered living room, as light filtered through the windows. Born was still sleeping, with his head laid back across the couch. His arm hung loosely ar
ound Jada, as he slept with his mouth slightly opened, and adorable still. Jada wondered what he must think of her now. And she also wondered what would happen between them now that all the cards had been laid out.
She got up and went to the bathroom, finding it much cleaner than she had expected. He slept while she grabbed a clean washcloth from among a neat stack of blue ones on the side of the tub, and took a quick shower. She had to put the same clothes back on, but she stuck her panties in her pocket for when she got back to Shante’s house. Feeling better afterward, Jada looked at her reflection in the mirror. She felt clean both inside and out. She felt renewed, and had no regrets about being candid with Born. She wondered what would happen next.
Jada emerged from the bathroom to find Born waking up. He smiled, seeing her come out of the bathroom and sit next to him on the sofa.
“Good morning, pretty girl,” he said. He sat up and looked around. “You can feel free to make breakfast or whatever.” He said it with a sly smile on his face. “I got eggs and all that kind of shit in the kitchen.”
Jada looked at him. She started to say something slick, but instead she smiled back at him. She was happy that he still wanted her company after hearing the truth about who she was. She stood up and asked, “Well then, how do you like your eggs?”
After she scrambled the eggs and threw together some grits and some sausage, Jada and Born shared another meal together.
He brought her back to Shante’s house, so that she could change her clothes. And when she was done, he was right downstairs waiting for her. They spent the day together, with her watching him wheel and deal, and him feeling her out, trying to see if she was worth his time. Born made Jada laugh, and she made him think. The two of them shared interesting conversations and formed an easy friendship.
Every day they spent time together, and their bond grew stronger. Born liked the fact that Jada wasn’t afraid to disagree with him. They had their share of arguments and debates. And Born liked that she didn’t back down. He knew that he was a good-looking guy, but he was real enough to know that he was no Adonis. Yet once his money had started piling up, chicks in the hood had started tossing so much pussy his way that he turned a lot of it down. Jada didn’t seem overly impressed by his status, his money. She had been hesitant to give him the time of day at first. And, in some strange way, that endeared her to him. It made him feel like—after surviving the trauma of addiction—she was picky about who she spent time with, and he felt somehow privileged that she had chosen to spend time with him.
But he didn’t lie to her and tell her that he was willing to give her more than what she was already getting. He liked Jada. She was, in a lot of ways, his very best friend. But he wasn’t yet able to come to terms with her past as a crackhead and a ho. He didn’t want to lead her on and tell her otherwise. One day, after sharing a heartfelt conversation about Jada missing her father as a little girl, and a bottle of Bacardi, Jada had told Born that she loved him. She insisted that even though she knew she was kinda tipsy, she really did love him. Born refused to say it back to her, because at that point in time it wasn’t the truth. He explained that he cared about her a lot. But he didn’t love her. Not yet. And he didn’t want to lie to her. Born told her that he wanted to be unlike all the men in her past. He didn’t want to disappoint her or manipulate her in any way. He wanted to make her stronger and wiser. He wanted to see her succeed.
Born was brutally honest with her. If her outfit looked cheap or unattractive, he told her that. If she made a stupid decision or failed to think a situation through clearly, he told her so. So when she professed her love for him, Born didn’t do the same. Instead, he told her that he appreciated her love and would never take it for granted. But to him, Jada was like his little homie.
He wanted to teach her to be tougher, smarter, and more successful than she ever thought she could be. He saw the potential in her to be a great woman, and he liked Jada’s style. She was pretty, yet she wasn’t stuck up. He had taken her to project buildings with pissy elevators, mice, and water bugs in the flooded basements, and with all other kinds of undesirable conditions. He took her with him when he went to meet fiends and users. He also took her with him to nice restaurants, to hang with his boys, and to parties. She blended in, regardless of the surroundings. She had the ability to be classy or street, depending on the circumstances, and Born loved that about her. The girl had an edge to her that intoxicated him without question.
Born admired the honest way she had revealed all the parts of her troubled past. Her truthfulness made him want to open up to her about his own past. He began to share with her parts of himself that he hadn’t shared with anyone else. He explained his father’s addiction to crack, his love for his mother, and the history of his life in the streets. He talked all about Leo’s crack use, his fall from grace, and Born’s subsequent entry into the game. But for the first time he talked about how watching his father fall apart had made him feel. He had never told anyone how hurt he was that his father—his hero—had quit being his idol and become a crackhead. He told her that even after all this time, he still missed his father.
He had never shared so much of himself with any chick. Or with anyone at all, for that matter. Born knew a lot of interesting people from all walks of life. But he had never met anyone who stimulated his mind the way that Jada did. Their conversations were some of the best he’d ever had. And it wasn’t until he found her that he realized how profound the absence of stimulating conversation had been in his life. He felt that Jada made him a better man. She gave him good advice, listened to his dreams, and kept his secrets. He felt an unmistakable connection with her. For once in his life, he opened up completely to someone, and he told Jada what was in his heart.
Their conversations always flowed well. They began to grow closer, and to trust one another. Then, on a blustery night in February 1996, their relationship changed. The physical tension between them had become so intense that it couldn’t be ignored. Jada was looking scrumptious in a tight black sweater and tight black pants. They were in his car driving to his place on their way from a card game at his boy Smitty’s new place. He looked at the shape of her body, and he wanted to know what she looked like underneath those clothes. He couldn’t help but want to take things a step further.
At a red light, Born leaned closer to Jada. She looked happily surprised by this gesture, and she smiled as Born moved closer and kissed her. Jada kissed him back, and she didn’t protest as his hands wandered slowly over her body. The car behind them honked to let them know that the light was now green, and Born drove on, hungry for her like he couldn’t explain.
When they reached his apartment, they went at each other in the dark like neither had anticipated. He walked in after her, tall and stocky, with heavy footsteps in his Timberland boots. She loved the sight of him walking through the door like that. It made her pulse race, and she got a rush watching him move. They clung together, kissing and touching, all the while whispering, “Damn!” and “Come here.”
Soon they were in the stillness of his bedroom. Born led her to the comfort of his king-size Sealy, covered in crisp white bedding. She began to take off her sweater, when to her surprise, Born stood and flipped on the lamp at his bedside. Jada frowned, and immediately stopped undressing. “Turn off the lights,” she asked, softly.
Born shook his head. “Nah. I wanna see you, baby girl.”
Born sat, waiting for her to take off her clothes. Jack’s eyes pleaded. “Born, I don’t feel comfortable—”
“You should,” he said. “You’re a beautiful girl. You have a beautiful body. Why you so scared to let it be seen? Let me see you.”
Jada didn’t budge. Born stood and took off his T-shirt. He stripped out of his jeans and took off his boxers. And there he stood, naked except for a do-rag and a pair of sweat socks. He stood, fully exposed, with his chubby eight-inch penis standing at half mast. Jada was understandably distracted as Born walked toward her. He walked over to her calm
ly, wearing a grin that seemed simultaneously sexy and arrogant, and began to undress her. He took off her top. A large scar was visible in the middle of her breasts, where her bra was unable to camouflage it. Born traced his finger across the upraised two-inch scar.
The reality of the situation came raining down around him. This woman for whom he cared so much was a former crackhead. This scar, this damage, had been done to her as a result of selling her body. Born looked into her eyes and saw her fear of rejection. He continued to undress her. Jada stood there nervously, feeling more vulnerable than ever before.
Born unhooked her bra. He stared at her and he saw all of her—all the damage that living as a crack whore had done to her physically. Jada felt like the last of her secrets had been exposed, and she stepped out of her pants and pulled off her panties. Now she stood completely naked in the presence of the one person whose opinion mattered more than anything else. Born was seeing her naked for the first time, and he recoiled somewhat, as she had known he would. The scars from her knife fight with Kelly were visible, and the damage clearly evident. Jada was mortified, but at the same time somehow relieved. At least now Born would see her for who she really was. The moment was silently awkward. Then Born reached for her, and suddenly stopped. To Jada, it seemed almost as if she could read his mind. She figured he was thinking that he had made a mistake, that he didn’t want her after all. But to her surprise, he pulled her toward him and cradled her in his arms.
He held her close to him in silence, and she tried not to cry. She shook her head again, more for the purpose of fighting back tears now. She felt so vulnerable. Born could feel her discomfort, and he held her to him. He hugged her close, and kissed her lips, his arms wrapped tightly around her small frame. His silent embrace spoke so clearly to her, and Jada clung to him. She felt so safe in that moment, so protected. He led her to the bed and laid her down. When she closed her eyes, he told her, “Look at me.”