I shake my head, denial hitting me. “No. I can’t be.”
She sits down, moving the bin out of our way. I’m still kneeling, so I sit back on my arse next to her, a little dazed.
“When was the last time you had a period?” Jordan asks softly.
I take a deep breath, wondering when, and can’t think. I haven’t had one recently, that’s for sure. My eyes widen when it comes to me.
“I haven’t had one since a few weeks after we returned from our break. I remember because I had a bad one.”
“Babe, I hate to say this, but I think you should do a test. Do you have regular periods?”
“I have one every month like clockwork. They last a few days at the most.”
“Then let’s go get a test.”
I turn to her, my eyes filled with tears. “I can’t be pregnant. Not right now.”
She wraps her arm around my shoulder, pulling me into her. “It will be fine, Allie. You’ll figure this out.”
I pull out of her hold, glancing at her as tears fall. “CJ is barely speaking to me. I’m in school and don’t even have a well paid job. I don’t know the first thing about raising a baby. How am I supposed to be a mother? I’m only twenty, Jordan!”
“Hey, mums have children younger than you and make it. Some might get a helping start, but they make it, Allie.”
She’s right, they do, but still… Am I ready to be a mother? Is CJ ready to be a father? I can’t tell him about this now; he has so much going on. But I don’t know if I can do this on my own.
“What should I do?”
She gets up off the floor and holds her hand out for me. I let her pull me up. “Let’s get you a test first. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. It might be that you’re right and you’re stressed.”
I nod, still dazed by it all.
*** *** ***
We pull up outside my flat, the paper bag clutched tightly in my hand. When someone walks out of the building, I panic, shoving the pharmacy bag inside my school bag.
“Do you want me to come up with you?” Jordan asks.
I shake my head. “No, I need to do this on my own.”
“What about CJ; are you going to tell him?”
I sigh. I haven’t thought about it yet. “I don’t know. I want to get this done first. I don’t want to add more to his plate, only for it to come up negative.”
“Okay. Did you want me to pick you up after classes tomorrow, so you can get your car from the library?”
“I think I’m gonna call in sick tomorrow. I’ll ask Cole and Willow to go get it, if I see them.”
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”
I force a smile and open the car door. “Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
“Call me later if you need me, or tomorrow. Whichever. Just know I’m here.”
I shut the door behind me and lean in through the window. “Thank you. And thank you for tonight—with the files, and this.”
“It’s what friends do,” she says softly.
I tap the top of the car and head up the stairs to our building. Everything seems to be like a cloud of smoke. I have no idea what the results of this tests will say. I have no idea what my future will hold.
When the lift lights up, I wonder if it’s a sign of luck on my side. I’m still in a trance-like state as the lift takes me up to my floor.
I grab my keys, and open the door, but it’s all a fog, like it’s not real.
“Allie? Are you okay?” Becca asks.
I jump, looking up to find her standing in the kitchen doorway with a glass of milk. “I’m fine. Why are you up?”
She holds her glass of milk up. “Rosie had a nightmare. I’m hoping this will calm her down.”
I nod, understanding. “She okay?”
“Yeah,” she tells me, but pauses, looking in two minds about something.
“Are you okay?” I ask her.
She seems startled by my question, before her shoulders relax. “I know it’s none of my business and you can tell me to mind it, but is everything okay with you and CJ?”
My stomach cramps at hearing his name. “What makes you ask that?”
“He hasn’t been around much. In fact, I think I’ve only seen him in passing. And you haven’t been yourself lately, either.”
I force a small smile. “I’m fine. We’re fine. He’s just dealing with some family issues at the moment.”
“Is he okay?”
“He will be.”
She smiles at me. “Good. Seeing him so down has been kind of scary. Anyway, I’d better take this to Rosie before she wonders where I’ve been. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Becca.”
Instead of going inside my room, I move into the bathroom, taking out my purchase from earlier. My hands shake violently as I stare down at the blue box.
I can barely read the instructions through the tears filling my eyes. I contemplate whether or not to do it, but I think not knowing will only make me feel worse.
Feeling numb, I pee on the stick, set the time on my phone, wash up, and put everything back in my bag. I hide the pregnancy stick up my sleeve, not wanting to run into Rosie or Becca, holding it. I can’t handle any more people knowing.
I sit down on my bed, turning the test over and staring blankly at it for three whole minutes. It feels longer, but when the alarm on my phone beeps, I know it’s only been three.
I feel like I’m going to be sick again. My palms are sweaty, my breathing is erratic, and I’m scared shitless.
The moment I turn the test over my whole world explodes.
Positive.
A fury of emotions run through me. I’m scared, lost, alone… and I have no idea how I’m going to do this. I have no idea how CJ will react, or if I should wait to tell him.
All I know is a life is growing inside me, and whether I’m ready or not, it’s still my responsibility. If I hadn’t of been so careless, I wouldn’t be sitting here, alone and afraid. I wouldn’t be worried about my future, or if I can even have the one I planned.
I don’t know if CJ will want to keep the baby, or what will happen to us if he doesn’t.
I lay down, resting my head on my pillow, and cry silently into it so I don’t wake the girls up. I’m hoping tomorrow I’ll wake up and this will all be a dream.
Because tomorrow, I don’t know what will happen. I could lose everything in a blink of an eye.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
For two days, I’ve locked myself away from the world and my friends. I’ve not answered my calls or messages, and luckily, no one has knocked on my door. Yet. It won’t be long until Willow barges in, demanding what is wrong.
I can’t bear to face anyone, not yet, not until I’ve figured out what I’m going to do or say. And then there’s CJ. My head is lightly warning me not to tell him; he has enough going on in his life right now and putting this on his shoulders might be too much for him. But my heart is telling me I should just speak to him. He deserves to know.
But at what cost?
I can’t lose him. He helps me grow as a person. He brings a light into my life that I’ve never known before. Losing him would be like losing half of my soul. I’d never survive.
All I’ve done is cry.
I have a life growing inside me. A life I’m scared I’ll ruin. I’m twenty years old and still in school. The money I earn from the library barely covers essentials. I don’t get any other money—apart from money I get from my father. My father, who is going to kill me when he finds out his only daughter is pregnant.
It’s not like I can keep this from him forever. In no time, I’ll have a bump that I can’t cover or hide.
He’s going to be so disappointed in me. I knew he wanted better for me and having a child this young, wasn’t something he had in mind.
When did my life get so complicated?
A door in my flat bangs open. I hear the thud of it hitting the wall and sit up. I clutch the blanket to my heaving chest, my entire body sha
king.
Two seconds later, my door flies open and I gasp, jumping in place as CJ rushes in.
He’s still wearing the clothes I saw him in four days ago. His jaw has days of stubble from where he hasn’t shaved, and his clothes are wrinkled. His looks awful and exhausted.
“CJ?” I call out, panicked something has happened to his mum.
He doesn’t stop until he’s on the bed next to me, pulling my head against his chest. His body is warm, like always, but the feel of his hands in my hair… I can feel that they’re cold.
“Thank fucking Christ, you’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay. Thank you, God,” he rants, rocking me back and forth.
I pull my hands from between us and try to push him away, but his hold tightens. “CJ?” I gasp out, struggling a little to breathe he’s holding me that tight.
He pulls back, and my throat tightens as tears fall down his cheeks.
What on earth has happened for him to react like this?
“I’m so sorry. I should be here and not locked away in my room. I thought I’d lost you.”
I cup his cheeks, trying to get him to calm down so I can get some sense out of him. “CJ, what has gotten into you? Is your mum okay?”
He wipes his eyes, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Mum’s fine. It’s you I’m worried about. Alex called me a few minutes ago. He said your car has been outside the library for two nights and he can’t get in touch with you.”
“I—”
“I thought the killer got you, Allie. I thought you were taken because of me. I’m so fucking sorry for pushing you away. I’m just scared. I’m scared of losing you. For a split second, my life flashed before my eyes. I can’t live without you—I can’t. I need you. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you. You were an unexpected treasure to my life, something I didn’t think I ever wanted but now can’t live without. You can’t leave me. Ever.”
“You need to explain, CJ. You’re scaring me, and you aren’t making sense. Why would you think the killer had taken me?”
He tucks my hair behind my ears, his eyes focusing on mine. “I know you asked Jordan to look into the killer.”
I’m taken aback, startled. Jordan wasn’t meant to tell him I told her. “What? Have you spoken to her?”
Had she told him about the pregnancy test?
“Shh, it’s okay. I’m not mad that you told her. I’m a hacker, remember? I hacked her computer to get the files she had. When I saw what she was looking into, I put two and two together.”
I sag against him, gazing up into his eyes. They look darker, not the chocolate colour they normally are. I hated keeping it from him, but it was the only way I could help at the time whilst still being able to give him space.
“So, you know about the connection we found—between you and the victims?”
He nods, his eyes dropping. “Yeah, I do.” He runs his fingers through his hair. “That’s why when Alex called, I panicked. I came running straight over here. Low and Cole tried saying something to me last night when they came in, but I ignored them. I was fucking stupid. I’ve been working around the clock trying to find this son-of-a-bitch. I’m so fucking sorry for pushing you away.”
I shake my head, kissing him to ease his fears. “I understand. Just don’t do that to me again, please. We’re supposed to be partners. And I’ve missed you so much.”
He starts to relax, sitting back to put some space between us. He looks at me, like, really looks at me, and I start to feel uncomfortable under his gaze. Can he tell?
“Cupcake? What’s wrong? You look like you’ve been crying for days and had no sleep. Has something happened? Is your dad okay? God, I’m an arsehole. I’ve been selfish and not considered what you’ve been going through.”
I flick my eyes over his shoulder, concentrating on my door. “My dad’s fine. I’m fine. Stop fretting.”
He inhales. “You’re lying to me.”
I glance at him, tears in my eyes. “I’m scared to tell you. I don’t want you to leave me.”
He sits back a little, his face turning a deathly shade of green as he swallows. “Did you cheat on me?”
Hurt, I glance at him sharply. “What, no. I’d never cheat on you. Ever. I thought you knew me better than that.”
Guilt flashes across his face. “Then what’s going on? Why do you look pale and scared?”
“I—I don’t know how to tell you,” I say, tears falling now.
He wipes them away with the pads of his thumbs. “Cupcake, you can tell me anything. You know that, right?”
I close my eyes, praying with my whole heart that I don’t lose him. “I’m pregnant.”
When he starts laughing, I open my eyes, puzzled. He calms, glancing at me. “Cupcake, I thought my life was over a few minutes ago when I thought the love of my life was dead. Now is the not the time to be joking.”
I look down at my lap before staring back up at him. “CJ, I’m not joking,” I whisper, then lean over to open my top drawer, and pass him the pregnancy stick.
He holds it, looking down at it with a mixture of emotions. It’s hard to tell what he’s thinking, so I sit, twiddling my fingers in my lap.
“Please say something,” I plead, my voice hoarse.
“Please tell me I’m not holding piss in my hand right now?”
Before I can stop it, I laugh, and once I start, I can’t stop. It gets worse when he drops it to the floor, his face filled with disgust as he wipes his hand on his leg.
Only CJ could make a serious matter funny.
I wipe my tears as my laughter slows into chuckles.
“You’re really pregnant? With my baby?”
“No, with Jesus’s baby. Of course, it’s yours.”
When he glances down at my stomach, his eyes light up so bright it brings a smile to my face. “We’re having a baby?”
“I was hoping for an alien, but a baby is good,” I tease, wiping his tears away now when he looks up.
He chuckles. “When did you find out?”
“Two days ago.”
He frowns. “And you didn’t tell me because I’ve been so distant?”
I nod, squeezing his hands. “I didn’t want to add more to your plate. You’re going through so much already.”
“But nothing trumps our baby, Allie. I’m so fucking sorry. I should have been here for you. Is that why you were scared to tell me, because you didn’t know how I’d react?”
I inhale, hoping he doesn’t take offence to my reply. “Yes and no. I didn’t know if you wanted a baby. We’ve not been together long and we’re still in school. Then there’s the whole mess we’re going through right now—with the killer on the loose. I just kept thinking about how you reacted to his DNA being a part of you. I didn’t know how you’d react.”
I rub a hand over my stomach, looking down at my lap, feeling ashamed. I didn’t want to throw his words back at him, but I can’t lie to him. The worry was there. If we decide to go through with this, then I want him to accept him or her.
He places his hand over mine. “I don’t care about any of that. You were right in what you said to me at Mum’s. And our baby, it will be a part of us. They won’t only be raised loved, but they were made from love. And I do—I love you, and I love our baby.”
“You’re not scared?” I ask, because I am. I’m so scared of what our future will hold.
“A little, I guess, but I knew we were always going to have kids someday.”
I smile. “You did?”
He grins. “I did. Might not have been picturing it being now, but it just means they were ready to come earlier in our lives. But make no mistakes, Cupcake, we will be damn fucking good parents. I might be immature at times, but I’m far from stupid. This isn’t a new gadget, or temporary. I understand it’s for life, but I really do have faith we can do this. We have our parents—if your dad doesn’t get arrested for trying to kill me—and we have our friends. We can still finish our courses and find the right jobs. We can get a hou
se, whatever we need, because together, I believe we can do anything.”
His words cause a sob to break free and I fall into his arms, wrapping my own around him. “I’ve been so scared. I think I needed you to tell me we could do it.” I pull back, biting my bottom lip. “We’re so young.”
His lips pull into a smirk. “Yeah, but at least we won’t be doing school runs when we’re old and wrinkly.”
I giggle, pushing his shoulder. “Are you sure about this? This is a huge decision to make. There’s no going back once we’ve made it.”
He shuffles forward as he pulls me closer, our knees touching on the bed. “Okay, let’s put it this way: before you found out you were pregnant, where did you see us going as a couple?”
My heart melts and my cheeks heat. “Together, married, children and grandchildren.”
He runs a finger down my cheek. “Exactly. So what if the timeline has been pushed forward. People younger than us do this every day and raise perfectly well-balanced individuals.”
I laugh at his explanation. “You moaned at the young couple down the road from Cole’s mum’s because they didn’t watch their kids properly.”
He groans, ducking his head a little. “Let’s forget about that tiny incident. Plus, those kids needed some manners knocked into them. Would it kill them to watch where they are riding their bikes and to speak politely? I swear, I thought that one little girl was going to kick me in the nuts.”
“She was six,” I remind him, giggling.
He rolls his eyes. “Not a prime example, I know. But we aren’t them. We are going to raise our kids right. We’re going to make them play in the garden, not in the middle of the road. We are going to love and adore them.”
When he cups my cheek, I let my head fall to the side, grateful for his touch. “I love you, CJ. I love you so much.”
“I love you too. Now scoot over, I’m knackered, and I’ve missed my cupcake.”
I move over until there’s room for him to get in and cuddle up to his shoulder. I start running my finger up and down his chest.
“Things have been so crazy around here. This news hasn’t exactly come at a good time.”
Game Over (Whithall University Book 2) Page 20