I feel awful wishing today away, precious hours during which we should all be relaxing together, because this is our quality time. We spend the morning having a late brunch and then head out for a family walk. It’s a glorious day and being out in the fresh air helps to clear my head. When we get back the girls are tired and want to laze around. After a few board games Hettie disappears up to her bedroom to text Alex and Rosie follows shortly afterwards, enticed by the thought of Minecraft.
I head into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee and by the time I walk back into the sitting room, Josh has a film all ready to go.
‘In the mood for a little romantic comedy?’
He looks up at me and my eyes go straight to his birthmark. That little kiss from an angel was the first thing I noticed about him, quickly followed by that tousled hair that won’t be tamed. Even kept very short, it has a will of its own.
‘Sounds good.’
We cosy up together and for the first time all weekend I finally begin to relax. Maybe I’m getting things out of perspective, and lending too much weight to my involvement with Max’s situation. Every now and again Josh laughs at some silly line, or scene, but I keep switching off as the humour is lost on me. Two guys are sitting at a bar, chatting. And then it happens.
‘She thinks I’ve been unfaithful,’ one of them bemoans to the other. In the context of the film it’s hilarious, as his other passion is a part-share in a thoroughbred horse. He promised he would quit gambling, but his prize investment is winning race after race, so everything has to be done in secret. She knows there’s something up, but thinks it’s another woman.
Josh bursts out laughing. It’s supposed to be a comedic moment, as the horse standing behind the actor begins to nuzzle his ear.
‘If you ever get tempted, you would tell me, wouldn’t you?’ Josh says, half-laughing.
I don’t know if my own laugh is convincing enough. Josh is only joining in the general fun of the situation and doesn’t appear to be monitoring my reaction. I sit there wondering if I told him what had happened he would think I had betrayed what we have. I can’t deny the strong physical and mental attraction I feel towards Max. It’s not in my makeup to be unfaithful and I could never do that to Josh, but in my head—
Can I be held responsible for where my dreams take me, or when my thoughts run away from me in wild daydreams? What have I done? What am I doing?
I hardly sleep a wink all night and when the alarm goes off at five in the morning my hand instantly slides the switch across. Even so, it disturbs Josh, who has slept like a log.
‘Good morning. I can’t believe it’s that time already.’ He stretches, then rolls into me. ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if we could have another hour?’
Lying there cuddling, I don’t want to think about the week ahead. It’s going to be a tough one and I pray that by the time Josh is here again next weekend, it will all be over.
‘Thank you for humouring me about the car. I know you were annoyed because our weekends are precious, so I won’t push for a decision. But if I’m going to get through this separation I need to know my girls are all safe. Your car is holding up at the moment, but I’d feel a lot happier if you had something a bit newer.’
He’s about to face a long drive and I can’t leave him thinking he’s made me feel cross.
‘No, you’re right. I was simply uncomfortable about spending the money, but it’s probably a false economy. They were all reasonable, so I’ll leave it up to you.’
He wraps his arm around me and squeezes.
‘The sporty Suzuki, then?’
‘The Suzuki, it is.’
‘Great, I’ll give them a call as soon as I’m in work. Thanks, Ellie. You have no idea how relieved that makes me feel. Another tick on my “to do” list.’
‘You have a list for us?’
‘I want to make my wife and my girls as happy as I can. I’m not quite there, yet, but I’m working on it.’
It is with great reluctance that I kiss Josh goodbye. Nothing has changed between us. I know that sounds almost unbelievable, given the circumstances. But what I feel for Max is nothing at all to do with my life. It isn’t real, at all, it just feels real at times.
I shut the front door with a quiet click and walk into the kitchen to make coffee. Another hour and the girls will be filling the house with their noise and bustling. It’s another Monday morning.
~
‘Livvie, can I have a word?’
She looks up from her desk, glasses perched on her nose.
‘No problem. I hate reading the small print in a contract.’ She sits back and indicates for me to sit down opposite her. I’m conscious that I’m going to have to handle this delicately and even going over and over it in my head, there is a chance I will mess up.
‘I think I underestimated how demanding this new regime at home was going to be. The weekend was lovely, but I was so tired and I knew I was letting the family down. They all want to do active stuff and I seemed to be lagging behind. I know I said I could do a little work from home, but I’m beginning to see that isn’t as practical as I’d hoped. With dinner to make and homework to supervise, the evening flies by and I don’t think late nights are an option.’
‘At last! You haven’t been yourself for a while there, lady, and something has to give. I want the old you back. I bet you have a solution.’
‘Eve is very capable and seems keen to really establish her role here. I thought I could prepare the orders and she could take over responsibility from there. Placing the orders, progress-checking and making sure deliveries arrive on time. That includes unpacking and checking off the items against the invoices. It would free up a lot of my time for other things.’
Livvie chews on the end of the arm of her glasses, nodding appreciatively.
‘What an excellent idea. That works out rather well, as it’s something she can own from start to finish. I readily admit that I have so much work piling up here and there are things I know you would very quickly knock into shape. At the moment I’m being pulled in all directions. I also need to sit back and look at our manpower situation again, too. With work flooding in I’m not sure we have enough people to deliver on time and that’s an overriding concern at the moment.’
‘I have a few ideas for working smarter and not harder, Livvie. Throw whatever you want my way and leave it to me. If it gets too much, I’ll shout.’
Busy is good. Once this week is over I’m going to need the distraction.
Chapter 26
It seemed like a normal Tuesday. Josh texted to say he’d arranged for us to pick up my new car on Saturday. The girls were delighted, feeling the old car was an embarrassment. My attitude is that it has four wheels and it gets us where we need to go, but Hettie was always scandalised that there is no USB port for her iPod. And it doesn’t have a satnav, or DAB radio, or a good sound system.
I told them both about Bella, saying she was a friend visiting the UK and that she was going to be staying over on Wednesday night. I wasn’t expecting her to arrive until late afternoon, or early evening, which was perfect. They were mildly curious and I chose not to mention that I was planning to be home on Thursday, so that Bella and I could talk without fear of being overheard.
When I’d mentioned it to Josh he was very relaxed about it, probably thinking it was some company for me. I didn’t labour the point, but threw it into the conversation and then I changed the subject as quickly as I could.
Mornings are always a rush, but today we were already halfway to school when Rosie remembered she’d left a homework book in her bedroom. She suddenly had a little meltdown and I had no choice but to return to the house. Hettie wasn’t impressed and kept muttering under her breath. We parted company under a cloud, neither of the girls in the mood to say a proper goodbye and I arrived at work late, hot and flustered.
Two cups of coffee later and I’m feeling much better. I do wonder how on earth teachers put up with a class full of teenagers. It must be
hell at times. Shaking off the remnants of a bad start, the next couple of hours is very productive.
When the phone rings, I pick it up and say my usual introduction. But it’s not a client on the other end of the line.
‘Mrs Maddison, it’s Sarah Grant, Hettie’s head teacher. There’s been a little incident at school, I’m afraid, and I need you to come in for a chat.’
Alarm bells start ringing.
‘Of course. When?’
‘Now. Ask at reception and someone will escort you to my room.’
The line clicks and it really does feel as if I’ve been summoned. What on earth has happened?
I let Livvie know about the call and say I’ll ring her as soon as I know what’s going on, and then I head off.
There’s no point ringing Josh until I’ve spoken to Sarah Grant. From her tone, whatever Hettie has done hasn’t impressed her.
When I arrive at the school one of the admin staff walks me around to Miss Grant’s office. After knocking on the door, we wait until a voice calls out, ‘Come in.’ She opens the door, but doesn’t venture inside, indicating for me to enter. My heart begins to race a little.
I shake hands with Sarah.
‘Please take a seat.’ Sarah picks up the phone. ‘Hettie’s mother has arrived. Can you bring her down to my office please, Sylvia?’
My heart is now pounding in my chest and I really wish Josh was sitting next to me. We’ve never been summoned to see the head teacher before and, clearly, whatever this is it’s serious.
After a couple of minutes’ awkward silence, there’s a knock on the door and Hettie walks in looking sheepish. Sarah doesn’t tell her to take a seat, although there are two other unoccupied chairs. She then turns her attention to me.
‘I’m afraid you’ve been called in because Hettie was involved in a fight, which took place in the school corridor about an hour ago. Three girls were involved in the incident and I’ve spoken to each of them to establish their side of the story. While it appears Hettie wasn’t the one who started the fight, she was an active participant in it and has admitted as much. I have decided that in this instance all three girls will be suspended from school for two days. If I thought any bullying had taken place, then that would have been an even more serious matter. However, I’m satisfied that wasn’t the case and will leave you to talk it through with Hettie.’
I gulp. Hettie won’t look me in the eye. She just looks very pale, except for a horrible red mark on her cheek.
‘We’ll see you on Friday, Hettie. I trust that will be sufficient time for you to consider your part in the incident and realise that this sort of behaviour is not acceptable. Thank you for coming in, Mrs Maddison.’
Talk about being dismissed. Hettie has already opened the door and I’m only a second or two behind her. In tandem, we both let out a big sigh of relief as we hurry along the corridor in search of freedom.
‘What on earth happened?’ I ask in a semi-hushed tone. She turns her head to look at me and I see that her cheek is beginning to swell.
‘This stupid girl hit me and I hit her back. It really wasn’t my fault, Mum.’
‘Well, that’s a relief. Tell me all about it when we get home. Are you feeling alright? Not dizzy or anything?’
‘No. I’m fine. One of the PE teachers is a first-aider and we were marched off to see her individually.’
Marched off?
~
‘Josh, sorry to ring you at work, but there’s been an incident with Hettie. She’s fine, but by the time you FaceTime tonight she’s going to be sporting a rather large and angry bruise on her cheek. I think it’s best not to mention it, as I’ll let her know I’ve spoken to you about it. But maybe at the weekend you need to sit down with her for a little father/daughter chat.’
‘Are you saying it happened while she was at school?’
‘Yes. She’s been suspended for two days. I’ll tell you all about it later. It’s to do with Alex, but he wasn’t involved in the incident.’
‘She’s not being bullied, is she? I mean, sometimes kids cover things up rather than confronting their issues head on.’
‘Hettie wasn’t just on the receiving end, Josh, she was actually fighting.’
‘What on earth? That’s the last thing I ever expected. I mean, Hettie. She’s a moody teenager but she will grow out of that. But our Hettie, fighting. I can hardly believe it.’
‘She’s not denying it, Josh. But you need to let her tell you the story in her own words. I’m not saying I condone what happened, but when girls wind each other up over a boy it can get pretty heated. She realises now that she should have walked away and it’s taught her a valuable lesson.’
‘And she’s okay, you say? Would it be better if I came home now?’
‘She’s fine. FaceTime later and unless she starts talking about it, wait until the weekend. She knows I’m doubly annoyed, because I’m losing an extra day’s holiday. I’m off on Thursday, of course, because Bella is here, but it’s such a waste of a whole day tomorrow, which could have been a family day. So I’m making her clean her bedroom and sort out her wardrobe as a punishment.’
Josh laughs and I picture his face, those little lines around his eyes all crinkled up.
‘If you’re sure there’s nothing at all I can do to help, I’ll leave you to it, then. I imagine it’s not going to be the easiest couple of days. And I’m sorry you won’t have some peace and quiet when Bella is there. Some lessons have to be learnt the hard way, I’m afraid, and hopefully Hettie will realise she isn’t the only one affected by her behaviour. Good luck, Ellie, and stay strong. See you later, alligator.’
‘In a while, crocodile.’
When the line disconnects I whisper, I love you into the phone, as if it’s a portal between us and the echo of my words will still reach him. Like a comforting hug. It’s guilt, Ellie, and Josh is right. Some lessons have to be learnt the hard way and I’m not thinking about Hettie, but the lessons I need to learn. I go to check on her progress, feeling dejected.
‘How is it going? Do you need more black sacks?’
The reply is muted, ‘No, Mum, I’m good for now.’
I have about an hour before Dawn drops Rosie back home. I didn’t want to upset the usual routine and I also don’t intend having the detail of this sorry incident discussed in front of Rosie. I pop up to the study, disconnecting from today’s unsettling episode and open up my inbox. This is the hardest email I’ve ever had to write. I would rather talk to Max over the phone, but I know if I do I will weaken.
Good afternoon, Max
I wanted to let you know that there’s been a reorganisation in the office. I’m not sure if you’ve spoken to Eve before, but she’s taking over part of my workload. I’ve been drafted in to help out Livvie, as things are really hectic at the moment.
Eve will be your point of contact from now on and she’ll be in touch on a regular basis to place orders and check on progress of deliveries etc.
If we can’t work harder, we have to work smarter and I suppose that’s the nature of the business we are in. I’ve always found it difficult to delegate, but I know you will be in safe hands.
I also wanted to share the news that we have another large, one-off project just about to go into design. I’ll be helping out on that, so there will be a big order coming your way in the next couple of weeks.
Anyway, take care of yourself and send everyone my best regards,
Ellie
Max will understand what I have chosen not to say. Things that simply cannot be said in an email and I couldn’t bear to see staring back at me in stark black and white. I always sign off with ‘until we speak again’, but this time I’m really saying goodbye. I wish my heart didn’t feel so heavy, or that I’m abandoning him. Bella will be shocked, I know that, and I’m going to have to be strong. I have to do the right thing for Josh and the girls, even if it’s the wrong thing for Max.
As soon as the girls retire for the night I jump online. Liv
vie rang earlier to say there was no way she would count this as holiday leave, as it’s a domestic emergency. She was very supportive about the whole thing and rather surprised when I told her what had happened. I fully intend to make up for as much of the lost time as I can. How I’m going to manage with Hettie here on Thursday, when I’d planned to have the whole day alone with Bella, I don’t know.
Opening my work inbox I clear as many things as I can and make a few notes. I’ll ring Eve tomorrow to check the schedules and then I’ll be able to respond to a few outstanding queries.
I begin sifting through some of the cuttings in my ideas file in preparation for the mood boards, for what Livvie is calling the twenty-first-century Manor House. Celebrity chef, Richard Dale, has a vibrant personality and he isn’t going to be easy to impress. Livvie will want to throw a lot of very different ideas at him during the first meeting. It should help us to quickly identify what he does, and doesn’t, want so we can plough forward.
Suddenly, the iPad sitting next to my PC lights up and the tinkle of broken glass confirms that someone is FaceTiming me. I glance across and see it’s Max. I ignore it. Sitting there I squeeze my eyes shut as my heart thuds in my chest. Please don’t do this to me, Max. Please. It’s hard enough to stop dead like this, but it will be impossible if you won’t let go.
He tries three times. Then the message box opens.
I’m sorry and I want you to know I understand.
I stare at the words with sorrow in my heart, then cradle my head in my hands. When I look up there’s another message.
I know you’re there, Ellie. I can feel it. I’m sorry that I dragged you into my problems. You were kind enough to listen and I took advantage of that because I have no one else to turn to; suddenly you were there, like an answer to a prayer. But I did listen. And I will try, because I never want to hurt you in any way.
The Secrets of Villa Rosso Page 16